In Need of Some Good
I used to hate reading depressing blogs. It seemed to me that some writers were just followed around by a big giant dark cloud and I didn't want to be one of them. And here I am. You might as well just start calling me "Debbie" as in "Downer."
On Christmas night of this past year, when we had to put our 13 year old cat to sleep, I kept one positive thought in my head. Clearly, if this is the way I was going to end 2009, then 2010 would surely have to be better.
Yet here I sit, on Mother's Day, the most difficult one ever, because my Grammom isn't here anymore. I never saw that coming at Christmas, despite the fact that she told us it would be her last Christmas. As a present, she gave my Mom a bunch of her favorite photographs of her parents and grand-parents. I should have seen it coming. I just refused.
And then on this past Tuesday night, Mr. BBM felt a small lump on the back of my cat "Bear." Bear has always been MY cat. He adores me. Despite the fact that I'm allergic to him, he follows me around the house much like a dog. The other night I wanted to see how far he would go and I kept moving where I was sitting to see what he would do. He followed me three separate times. There is no doubt about who his favorite person is in this house. He was truly my first baby.
Saturday, Mr. BBM took him to the vet and they aspirated the lump. The vet is fairly certain it's a sarcoma. She said words to my husband like "tenacious" and "radical surgery" and "frequently comes back." She also said that he has a level three heart murmur, an enlarged kidney and thyroid and that based on these things and that he's 14, she doesn't even know if surgery would be an option for him because she doesn't know that he would make it. He has spent his whole life with medical issues: something called mega-colon and cataracts that restrict his vision. Yet he is the most gentle and loving cat I have ever known. He calls me "Mom," literally. He is this super talkative cat with incredible personality and Mr. BBM swears he actually speaks.
I got the call while I was standing in an animal shelter with the girls, helping my sister's boyfriend pick a new cat. Big I instantly knew something was wrong and I couldn't lie to her. I told her he's getting older and that he now has even more problems than he had before. She started to cry and told me she needed to go sit down outside and that she wanted to come home right away.
Because the shelter was an hour away from home, we stopped for a quick bite to eat at a roadside ice cream place/deli. She took one bite of her sandwich, looked at me with tears in her eyes, and asked, "Why is this happening to us? First Colby, then Grammom, and now Bear."
I told her I felt the exact same way and that I just didn't know. I know this isn't happening to us. It's just happening. It's called life, but it seems like we're getting a particularly cruel slice of it during these past few months. It has been one thing after another after another.
We all spent the weekend with good friends and family and tried to distract ourselves in any way possible. With all the knee issues still lingering over me in addition to all of this, I am just completely spent. I feel like someone has tied us up like heavy bags and is just beating us over and over again. I can barely get myself through this; getting the girls through yet another death so close to the last two is going to be no small feat.
I reached out to social workers and hospice people for help with my Grammom. I've talked to my Pastor about how to get the girls through all this death and heartache. But there just doesn't seem to be anything to make the horrible hurt go away for them or for me.
For now, Bear is happy and running around like a kitten; but I know how quickly Colby went downhill and how hard it was to see him like that. I won't let Bear suffer. He's been too good of a cat, but I can't tell you how much I wish, that when it's his time, he just curls up and falls asleep for one final time. I am tired of being the person who makes decisions about whether people and pets stay or go. I can't do it one more time, not now.
I need a nice big dose of good and I need it now. We so need it now.
There is No New Normal
Since my grandmother died, I've been having trouble falling asleep and staying asleep. Our family made so many decisions during her last week and it's nearly impossible to not question things, feel guilty, and want things to be different.
The other day, Big I told me that she was having dreams about Grammom. I can't even tell you how jealous I felt of the fact that she can still see her at night. Each night, I pray that I'll have a dream about her, just so I can see her alive, hear her laugh and see her smile. I want to see her the way I knew her before her stroke and I guess I'm having a hard time because my most recent days with her are not the way I'd like to remember her.
On Monday, Lil C and I stopped over at my pop-pop's house for a visit. It felt so strange and awful without her there, knowing she wouldn't be coming back home. My Grammom was always so welcoming but my pop-pop is much more of a loner. We stood awkwardly in the kitchen while every thought in my head was that I would do just about anything to have more time with her. When I couldn't take the awkward conversation in the kitchen anymore, Lil C and I decided we would clean my Grammom's bird baths out back.
In the one bird bath, we found a robin's egg, perfect except for the fact that it was under water with no nest or parent anywhere in site.
Abandoned.
That's how it felt being there without her there too, laughing at Lil C trying to get the right pressure on the hose without blowing all the water right back out of the clean bird baths.
Everyone is expecting me to just get back to normal, but there is no normal anymore. A world without her presence is so different, so quiet, so hollow. I know she wouldn't want me feeling like this, that she would want me to move on and just remember the good times we had, but it is so hard going anywhere without her.
This weekend is going to be particularly difficult for my Mom and I've been trying desperately to come up with a way to make it even a tiny bit easier. I just don't think a way exists.
Goodbye
Today was my grammom's funeral. It felt surreal. . .
I was so touched that so many of my friends came to the viewing this morning and a few even stayed for the service. I can't thank them enough. It meant a lot to me. I've also had so many friends drop off trays of food for me and my family. I have felt truly supported and surrounded by love. I have a wonderful group of friends and family.
At my Grammom's services today, I had a little something to say. Since I don't have many other words today as I am completely exhausted from the last two weeks events, I'm posting it here for all of you. I know she heard me. . .
“The
most healing thing one can do for another is listen to their
stories.”-Anonymous
This
is the quote that was posted on the bulletin board in Grammom’s hospital room
last week. It was no coincidence that she ended up in that very room at the
about almost everything. She told the same stories countless times, but I never
tired of hearing them. It’s because of this that I’m able to remember them so
well. Sometimes, after a long conversation with her, she would apologize to me
for taking up so much of my time, and I would tell her that I always had time
to listen to her stories and talk with her. I liked hearing them and because I
heard them so many times, I’m able to share some of them with you today.
Grammom could tell you stories about visiting
out windows on the boardwalk at night. She could tell you stories about having
her children, Becky and my Mom, in just two hours time because in her time, you slept through it. She
could also go on long tirades about dogs that lick themselves too much,
politics, and even how important it is to have pulp in your juice.
A couple years ago, my
grandmother was telling us how you just never know what's going to happen these
days, and because of that she told us she stored jugs of water in her
basement. She used old milk containers, wine bottles, whatever she can
come up with. My pop-pop patiently waited for her to finish her story and
then said, "Yeah, she's got so many jugs of water in the basement that if
I trip and fall down there, I'm liable to drown."
She was the storyteller;
he, her accompanying one-liner. The funny conversations between Pop-Pop and
Grammom are something I know I will really miss.
Another story I’ll never
forget is about how my grandparents met.
While
other women her age were settled down long before, my Grammom waited until the
age of 27, and my pop-pop didn’t pick her
up. She picked him up at a bar by
telling the bartender “get the sailor a drink.” Three months later they were
married, and they spent 65 years of their lives together.
……
When
all of this happened, I knew I wanted to say something about my Grammom and I
figured I would be able to find some interesting or funny things on my blog,
where I write frequently and have done so for the past four years. When I did a
search to see all the different times I mentioned her, I was surprised to find
that I had over four pages worth of things I had written about her. I knew I
wrote about her a couple times, but I didn’t realize how very much she impacted
my everyday life, even when I wasn’t with her.
My
Grammom was my biggest cheerleader. She was always telling me how much she
loved my hair, clothes or jewelry and that she thought I was a good mom. She
would brag about me right in front of me to her friends and lately, to the
nurses in the hospital. She could instantly lift my mood and make me feel good
like no other person has ever been able to do.
She taught me many things throughout the 35 years that I had with her.
Some of my favorite more light-hearted things are that classy girls drink their
beer from a glass, not a bottle, and that you can never have too many bird
baths, dish towels or body lotions.
Even
though she’s no longer here with me, to tell me her stories or listen to mine,
I know she’ll always be with me because I see her in each of my daughters.
Grammom
never came to a family get-together without gifts in hand for me, my sister, my
Mom and my girls. Even though she didn’t have much, she truly took great joy in
giving and always had bags full of dish towels for us and coloring books for my
girls. She was so generous and thoughtful and was always thinking about others.
During a week-long hospital stay last month after she had fallen and broken a
rib, I went to visit her often and on one night, talked to her about some
things in my life that were bothering me. She gave me some great advice (as
usual), a huge hug and kiss, and told me that she liked it when I really talked to her. The day she went
home from the hospital, a dozen red roses were delivered to my house with a
card that read, “For our grand-daughter who needed a hug.” She must have called
as soon as she walked in the door to order them for me.
When
we were going through some of her things and looking for pictures to use today,
my sister and I found bags of Hallmark cards. In them, we found a father’s day
card for pop-pop, a birthday card for my dad, and Halloween cards for my girls
for next year, among others. She was always
thinking about others and I see her thoughtfulness in my "I," who was very
special to Grammom.
In addition to being
exceptionally thoughtful, she was always the type of gal who just put it all
out there. When I was younger, we were walking into the mall and there was a girl
in front of us whose butt was completely visible through large intentional
holes in her jeans. My grandmother clicked her tongue, pointed at the girl and
exclaimed, "Well, look at that! Her entire a$$ is hanging out of her
jeans! Will you look at that! What is WRONG with her?"
I remember my Mom being
horrified, but I actually thought it was pretty funny, because I thought there
was something seriously wrong with the girl too. My Grammom was always a very
classy dresser and she simply could not allow a barren butt to go unaddressed.
. . I see my Grammom’s outspokenness in
my "C" which is probably why she could always crack her Great-Grammom up so
easily.
……
On
Sunday, April 19th, when my Grammom had her stroke, my life was
turned completely upside down. During those difficult eight days that she spent
in the hospital, I did a lot of thinking and a lot of praying. I also asked a
lot of questions to God, my main one being “why?” “Why did this have to happen
to her?" and "Why, if it was her time to go, did God make her wait all those
days?" Over the last couple days, I think I came up with an answer that makes
sense and I’d like to share it with you. . .
Grammom
spent a lifetime telling her family and friends her stories, but a funny thing
happened last week at the hospital. Instead of her telling us stories, we sat around her bedside and told her stories. We told her about our favorite foods she made for us
(macaroni & cheese and those amazing chicken fingers), and the fun things
we remember doing with her (like going through lipstick samples from the Avon
lady and cleaning bird baths with a crazy hose nozzle that kept spraying us in
the face). We told her how much we loved spending time with her and talking to
her, and most importantly, we told
her how very much we all loved her and the wonderful ways that she had impacted
our lives. It was our turn to heal
her with the stories and it took all
those days for us to tell her how much she meant to us and all the ways she
impacted our lives and shaped who we are.
……
“The most healing thing one can do for another
is listen to their stories.” But today, the most healing thing we can do for
ourselves and each other is to continue to tell hers. Let’s keep telling hers,
because in those stories she still lives.
Tell the Universe to Back Off
If someone could please intervene on my behalf and tell the universe to stop taking a giant crap on me, I would really appreciate it.
After spending about eight hours a day or more in the hospital for eight days in a row, my grandmother passed away yesterday morning at around 5:41 a.m. I got the call at 5:40 a.m. that we should get to the hospital because it was time. I arrived at the hospital at 5:56 a.m. after pulling on a pair of sweats, sweatshirt and sneakers in record time. Mr. BBM says I did brush my teeth but I don't recall. I'm quite certain I didn't brush my hair. The green lights were working in my favor and I thought I was going to make it in time.
I ran at full speed into the hospital, my only pause to allow the automatic glass doors at the entrance to her unit to open because I was moving entirely too fast for them. I sprinted down the hallway and threw her room door open to see the curtain pulled. A nurse sat beside her, holding her hand and I was too late.
"Is she. . . " and the nurse told me that she had passed almost immediately after they had called my Mom. The people from Hospice had told us that people choose when they die and I truly believe she left before we could get there because she didn't want to make it even harder on us. I also believe that she waited until the morning so that we would all go home and sleep. Sunday was spent counting her breaths per minute decrease throughout the day, the pauses in between them longer and longer.We were all exhausted and weary.
My knees, so steady as I ran the halls, felt weak and I grabbed at the nearest chair. I knew this was coming. Hospice had been involved for days. She was on a morphine drip. It was her time, but it didn't make it any easier. I hugged her goodbye, knowing full well she was already gone. She was still warm.
As the other members of my family arrived, I moved to a chair on the other side of the room. I felt nauseated, the emotional turbulence and exhaustion of the week reaching a peak. And then I had to help my grandfather get to her room with the use of a wheelchair because he simply could not walk. Watching 65 years of marriage end was brutal.
After some time, we made arrangements with the funeral home, took her personal things and left the room. The nurses from the stroke unit lined the halls, busy with their morning routines. They had grown invested in my Grammom's care and ours this week. I wanted to hug and thank them all but I just didn't have the energy.
We went to her house and started searching for necessary documents and pictures to use at her memorial service later this week. We found things that broke our hearts: money that she had saved up for this very occasion so as not to be a burden, bags full of cards (one for father's day for my pop-pop, a birthday card for my dad, and Halloween cards for the girls next year), and drawings and photos and mementos that she had kept all these years. Virtually everything we ever drew for her, every card we ever sent her, she kept.
And then we went to the funeral home to arrange her services. It took us hours to do so and it was a nightmare. At one point, I was pretty sure I was going to throw up in one of the caskets in the "showroom." Later, my Mom told me she felt the same way. One thing continued to echo in my head as he showed us these intricate caskets and gently broke the insane prices to us. During her last hospital stay, my Grammom told me "I don't need a Cadillac of a casket. You just throw dirt on it anyway." We ended up choosing something simple, yet pretty. My Grammom would still think it's overkill.
Then we had to drive to the cemetery to mark her pre-paid grave. Thank God she had done that because it saved us several hours and it was already after 4 p.m., all of us running on only half a muffin and some coffee. We stood in the rainy cemetery under huge umbrellas and the tears started again.
Last night, I came home and wrote her obituary because I didn't want just the standard stuff. She was so much more than that to all of us. After an 18 hour day, I finally went to sleep.
This morning, I used more under-eye concealer than usual and tried to head off to campus, but my car battery was dead. After a jump, I was on my way, but thanks to a detour I didn't make it on time.
Then I had my appointment with the plastic surgeon for my knee who gave me three options, none of which he thinks will be covered by my insurance because they will deem it "cosmetic," when in fact it's more "reconstructive" than anything else. He told me he would try his best to get it covered and I told him I'd be happy to kneel in front of the insurance people so that they could see that the looks of my knee are really secondary to the pain I feel each and every day that I live with a protruding screw and nothing but skin and bone in that area.
Later in the day, I went to my parent's house to meet with the Pastor and prepare materials for her services later this week. It was an emotionally trying day. Tonight, I wrote her eulogy that I'm going to try my best to get through without having to hand it over to Mr. BBM to finish reading.
I am just completely worn out, and the worst part of all of this is that I can't even go to my go-to gal who would always make me feel better. She is gone and I miss her so much already.
A Cruel Six Days
My family and I honestly thought we'd be planning a funeral by today. Despite my grandmother hating MRI's and our initial refusal of one because of her hate for them and because there was no one giving us any hope for survival, we allowed her to have one on Wednesday. The neurologist basically begged us so that he could try to figure out what was going on. Clinically, she has all signs of a stroke but the CT scan showed nothing.
Right before the neurologist came in, she had been given pain medication because she was rubbing her head and answering a muffled "yes" when I asked her if she was in pain. The medicine zonked her out to the point that she was snoring. I told him we would be ok with an MRI if they gave her some of the same stuff right before so she would sleep through it. He agreed and she did.
When the hospitalist got the report, he sat my Mom and me in the doctor's area to review the results. He read the report and explained what it meant. The damage in the right hemisphere of her brain is catastrophic. The stroke affected two major arteries feeding the brain, the ACA and the MCA. She also has slow flow in her carotid artery. In addition, the frontal, parietal and temporal lobes are all affected. Only a small portion of her occipital lobe remains undamaged. She also had major swelling in her brain that was actually displacing her brain a bit to the side and probably the reason for her decline after she seemed on the mend on Monday night. He said it simply. . . "it was a massive stroke and her changes of surviving it are 0."
We met with social workers and a palliative care doctor and within a few hours, we moved her onto "comfort care." All tests would stop. They even removed the heart monitor she so hated each time she was admitted. The only thing that remained was the bubbling oxygen and an IV port for meds. They assured us that a feeding tube would make things worse, that giving her fluids could be detrimental as well. They said her body is shutting down and we cried and made arrangements with hospice for in-hospital care or a possible move to my Mom's house for however long she has left. They told us we could swab her mouth with coffee or orange juice (her two favorite things) or whatever we liked and that we could even put a dab of ice cream on her tongue to let her slowly melt and give her the taste.
And then the neurologist stopped by to see her. He said that the most merciful thing would be if she did what he expected her to do. By 96 hours post-stroke, the swelling in the brain reaches its peak and he fully expected that to happen. She would have herniated, gone into a coma and slept until she died. He showed us the actual MRI pictures instead of the report and it was devastating to see. Massive isn't the word for it; catastrophic fits better. He didn't expect her to be there when he came in yesterday; but she was.
Before the neurologist stopped in, she opened her eyes really wide and looked right at my Mom. She said her name. Then she said mine. She didn't even have her glasses on but she knew us. She also knew the name of her teddy bear we brought to the hospital from her home. I asked her if she was hungry, thirsty or in pain and she said "no." I asked her "If you were in pain, would you tell us?" She said "yes."
The neurologist stopped in and she was sleeping after communicating with us for a while. At one point, she pulled me out of my chair with her right hand and into her chest. She rubbed my hand on her face and made an attempt to kiss my hand. Then she stroked my hair for a while, sometimes a bit roughly. He examined her, pulled her eyelids up and looked at me in disbelief. "Quite honestly, I expected her to be in a coma or dead. The fact that she's not baffles me." He then asked me some questions about when she last had fluids or anything to eat beyond the swabs and I told him it has been days. After the first day, she lost her ability to swallow. Yesterday, I asked her if she could swallow and she said "yes." He rushed out of the room and said he was making some calls about getting her on fluids. He said, "she is surviving this stroke." He also said that he doesn't understand it and that she is "amazing."
I followed him into the hallway and told him we had moved her to comfort care. I asked him what we should do and he said he honestly never expected her to still be here. He had to hurry and make calls.
A couple hours later, he called my Mom at home and told her that he had ordered IV fluids for my grandmother. He said that he couldn't, in good conscience, not give her fluids. He said, "she is too alive to not give her fluids."
I stopped in later last night again and asked to speak with a doctor. The palliative care doctor had said that giving her fluids might cause more discomfort and I had questions about giving her medications to help with the fluid in her lungs. I spoke with a doctor and her nurses for a while and this morning, the whole stroke team is meeting to come up with a plan for her care. I don't know what is happening right now. None of us know what to think. Is it a miracle or a cruel and evil twist? I know one thing is certain. . . watching my grandmother be like this is akin to torture.
Big I told me that she prayed for a miracle and that her prayers have been answered. Mr. BBM told her that each day that her Great-Grammom is here with us is a miracle and that she shouldn't expect this to last forever. She has to keep her expectations realistic. Everyone dies eventually and Big I needs to be prepared for that. The girls both saw her this week (after I had a conversation with the social worker and did some reading) so they know the state that she is in right now. We also know that she wouldn't want to live if she couldn't walk or do the things she enjoys anymore, and considering the left side paralysis (complete in her arm and about 90% in her leg), expectations need to remain realistic.
Right now, my family is so beat-up and confused. We don't understand why things are happening this way and why this horrible thing had to happen to such an incredible and GOOD woman. And the most upsetting thing right now is that we simply don't know what to do.
Copyright
© Copyright 2006-2019 blackbeltmama dot com ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
Follow Me
Blog Designed By
My Creations
Things You Could Care Less About
