All I Did was Blink
Filed under: Growing Pains, Mental Strain for Mama, Uncategorized
It feels like just yesterday that I was writing about my oldest’s first day at Kindergarten. It was an absolutely gut-wrenching day for me. In fact, I couldn’t imagine going through anything as terrible again. I figured I would be plenty distracted with Sassy, but she took an epic nap that day and I was alone with my misery. But I got through it and went on to survive a series of other gut-wrenching parental moments, like the first time Swim Girl drove to early morning practice on her own, and getting through one seriously awful official visit weekend where I just wanted to go pick her up and rescue her but instead spent the entire time on “Find my iPhone,” just in case I seriously needed to jump in an Uber and go bust her out of there like a Navy Seal.
And then I blinked, and now it’s just two days until she will be moving into her dorm. . . all I did was blink.
I imagine that move-in day will feel much like Kindergarten did, and that the drive home will feel only about 1000 times worse. Instead of 3.5 hours after drop-off, I’ll be able to see her again in about six weeks. It seems almost unfathomable. Six weeks. I don’t think we’ve ever been apart for more than five days. How will I get through a solid month?
Last weekend, while Swim Girl was saying goodbye to some friends, the rest of us went school supply shopping. While Swim Girl and Little Man ran around the store gleefully throwing various supplies into the cart, I kept getting choked up. It feels weird with just the four of us. At one point in the car, I just started crying. Spontaneous crying has been a regular thing around here lately, and I’m not usually one to just burst into tears. When I’m having these moments, I try to talk myself out of them by reminding myself that I had a solid and constant 18 years with her and that she’s ready to go. I have reassured myself multiple times that I have raised a girl with such a good head on her shoulders, a girl who will make smart choices and take off at school, both in the classroom and in the pool. I remind myself that she will be swimming with a coaching staff that literally feels like she’ll be getting a 2nd and 3rd dad (and a really cool big brother). They already care about her. I have no doubt that her coaches and team will be looking out for her. Being an athlete in school gives her a safety net others don’t have and I am so grateful for that. And then I start thinking about all the hurdles and challenges she has overcome, how she dreamed of swimming in college and look at her. . . here she is, a Division 1 scholarship athlete, and I just start bursting with pride. . . and then I get all teared up all over again.
I know I’m not alone in this as I have talked to multiple moms who have dropped off their sons and daughters in the last week. We’re all emotionally fragile right now. We’re all giant storm clouds ready to burst at any moment. One friend said she faked an asthma attack when she realized she was breaking down as she said “goodbye.” I imagine that, just like with Kindergarten and driving and all of the other things, it will get easier with time. In fact, in my brain I know it will. But realizing I won’t be able to make it to all of her swim meets due to conflicts with Sassy and Little Man’s schedules…gut-wrenching. And I know I’m probably going to need to be talked down from using “Find my iPhone 24/7” for at least a little while. No one tells you these things when you become a mother. No one prepares you for how very fast it all goes. You can know they will be ok and that it will get easier in your head, but it’s your heart that feels lost and broken. There is no doubt about it; this weekend is going to be so very hard.
Nintai…It Runs in the Family
The kanji design that is the heart and soul of this site has been my mantra for a long time. . . nintai. Persevere. It was the kanji hand painted onto the crutches that got me through three knee surgeries . It was the thought always in my head as I worked on flexion at PT and celebrated each accumulating degree. It was the motto of the move that took me away from my family, friends, swim team, and dojo. You just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You can get through anything if you just keep going.
So it seems only fitting that my 1000th post would be about perseverance as well. But today, I don’t want to write about all I have persevered through. Instead, I’d like to write about Swim Girl, my senior in high school, my beautiful, smart and talented 17-year old who first made her “blog character” appearance 12 years ago, in 2006, as “Big I.” Although I took a writing hiatus, her early years were documented here. And during that hiatus, she has really grown up.
Swim Girl has always loved swimming, even when she was not so great at it. After moving to VA, she began trying some longer distance events and discovered that she was pretty good at swimming them. For a while, she continued to drop time in those events. I looked forward to her swimming the 1650 free, because it was fun to see how much time she could drop. And then the drops came to a halt. Swim Girl described the same thing after every race. She felt like she couldn’t breathe, that her throat was closing up, that there was a lump in her throat preventing her from breathing. It was during allergy season when she first described these symptoms, so I didn’t think much of it. She was diagnosed with exercise-induced asthma when she was younger. I figured the allergies were just exacerbating the asthma.
Then, just weeks before Senior Champs of her sophomore year, there was a chlorine chemical spill at her practice facility. Six of our swimmers had to go to the ER, including Swim Girl. She felt like her lungs had been fried. After ER breathing treatments and two rounds of steroids, she started to feel a little better. But her events at Senior Champs were nowhere near where they should have been time-wise. She entered her Junior year, hoping for better days ahead.
As her Junior year started, Swim Girl couldn’t help but wonder why she always seemed the most out of breath at practice. She had barely taken a break between seasons and was attending all practices. She started to feel frustrated, but thought that maybe the hot pool and air temp were contributing to her asthma difficulties. She never seemed to get the lanes with the “good air,” so she figured it was a combination of things and kept on going.
During an October meet, where she was put in multiple distance events, I watched her fade back in the 1650, her splits completely off of where she should have been, even for an early season meet. When she finished the race, she was purple. She described the same feeling again, and we decided we needed a doctor’s appointment to reevaluate her asthma inhalers and make sure that her lungs had healed from the chlorine spill. It was during this appointment that our pediatrician suspected Swim Girl was suffering from Vocal Cord Dysfunction. The tight feeling in her throat was her vocal cords getting a message from her brain to close instead of open when she needed to breathe most. We were referred to a pulmonologist to confirm the diagnosis.
After a pulmonary function test, we met with the pulmonologist and he confirmed that Swim Girl had a classic example of VCD. He showed us a pulmonary function test graph that indicates a diagnosis of VCD. He then showed us Swim Girls’. They were identical. At first, we were relieved to have some answers. I figured there was a medication they could give her and it would stop. But unfortunately, with VCD, that is not the case. There is no medicinal cure. To double-check that there was nothing else going on, the pulmonologist referred us to an ENT doctor and her team which included a speech therapist. They put a small scope with a camera into Swim Girl’s throat to see her vocal cords. The diagnosis was confirmed once again. In the absence of any visible problem, VCD was the culprit.
We were referred to a speech therapist so that Swim Girl could learn how to breathe in a different way to combat the VCD attacks she would get while swimming. We spent two months going to appointments, where she focused on “belly breathing,” and on learning ways to stop (or at least minimize) an attack when it happened in the water. The challenging part is that quick inhales (imagine trying to take a fast sip) while swimming can be counterproductive. Swim Girl’s speech therapist told her that she needed to slow down during practice until she had mastered the new way she had to breathe. “No,” she told him, “I’ll just figure out how to swim fast and do it.”
Instead of doing her “double” practices with her team, she began doing some of them on her own at the local YMCA so she could slow down and work on her breathing. Sometimes the breathing techniques worked and sometimes they didn’t. Sets with little rest were torture for her. Without having time to reset her breathing, she would end up spending an entire practice just trying to calm her breathing back down. Sometimes, she began seeing spots and feeling like she would pass out. Swim Girl’s speech therapist told her that stress can make VCD worse, so he worked with her on relaxation techniques as well.
Physically, she was struggling with trying to figure out how to implement her breathing techniques during certain strokes (breast and fly for example); and mentally, she was struggling too. Her speech therapist continued to encourage and pump her up, and she was attending at least 7 practices a week at this point AND was doing extra practices on her own at the YMCA plus working out with her trainer. At practice, she focused on backstroke since she had figured out the breathing for that stroke. She didn’t feel it was possible to try to figure it out with the other strokes, not at a team practice.
Swim Girl started doing her own research into her condition. There had to be something she could do that would help. She found research studies that cited a different inhaler having an impact due to its anti-inflammatory properties. We made an appointment with the doctor and Swim Girl presented the study and got her inhaler switched. She also read many articles about how many swimmers with VCD found that it was too challenging of a condition to continue swimming. She wasn’t going to let VCD make her quit. She found a blog of a swimmer who had VCD and started reading her posts. This swimmer put herself on a gluten free diet and it seemed to help. That week, we were at the grocery store, restocking our pantry and changing the way our entire family eats. Swim Girl was working so hard and we wanted to support her efforts in any way we could.
At Senior Champs during her Junior year, Swim Girl dropped from a 2:12.92 in 200 back to a 2:07.19. She went from 63rd place to 9th, and then scratched into the “A” final. She needed a 2:05.99 to make her NCSA Junior National cut. Swim Girl spent the afternoon doing all of the things she needed to do to get ready for finals. . . ice bath, heating pads, water, healthy foods, a nap. She told me she could go faster than she had in the morning and I believed her. She talked out the race and told me where she could cut time on her start, turns, etc. I went to the lobby to give her some peace and quiet. I returned back to our hotel room to pack up and get back to the pool. Swim Girl was pumped up and positive. I told her I believed she could do it, and I did.
That night, Swim Girl dropped more time, to a 2:06.99, exactly 1 second off of the Jr. National time she was chasing. She took 3rd place overall, after being entered in 200 back with a bonus time. From 63rd to 3rd is pretty remarkable. We had a celebratory dinner that was preceded by some tears. She had been through so much. It would have been amazing if that one extra second could have been gone. She had started the year with a 2:15 in 200 back. To get to a 2:06.99 was a big accomplishment. While the Jr. National team competed in FL the following week, Swim Girl went to practice and continued to work on her backstroke and breathing techniques. After all of this, we were surprised when her name was announced as the 15-16 Female Swimmer of the Year at our team banquet.
At a long course meet in May, Swim Girl dropped a considerable amount of time in her backstroke events. She finished 1/4 of the pool ahead of her competition. On the last day of the meet, Swim Girl had to swim the 400 IM, an event that made her VCD flare up almost worse than the 1650. As I timed her and cheered her on, she was fading back and fast. She didn’t look good and I kept trying to watch her breathing. I knew she was having issues. She finished with a huge time add. Her lips were blue. She struggled to get out of the water and staggered to a wall. I left her alone so she could concentrate on her breathing. The stridor from her VCD was so loud, you could hear it four lanes away. It took her a solid 15 minutes to get her breathing under control again. When she could finally talk, she told me she started seeing spots, and then almost all black. The distance events had to go. In the locker room, she heard girls from another team discussing how she had “died” in the race. She was embarrassed and frustrated. It was time for a change in her training.
Heading into Senior Champs, she felt positive again after training in a new location. For the first time at a championship meet, Swim Girl had fun, swam relaxed and fast, and had an enjoyable meet. She knocked some serious time off of her 50 free and finally had a breakthrough in 100 breast.
This past August, Swim Girl began training full time with a new coach. She made him aware of her condition, and he asked how he could help. The first few weeks, Swim Girl swam a little slower so she could really concentrate on her breathing techniques and get her year started off right. Her coach built her confidence back up and supported her efforts. As the weeks have gone on, her breathing has become easier and her VCD flare-ups are rare. The environment that has allowed her to take care of herself has been so good for her. Her new coach told me that while some kids find ways to get out of doing things, she is continually looking for ways to keep doing things. He said she never stops at practice. He recognizes what a hard worker she is, and how much effort she puts into practice.
Over 90 colleges and universities have reached out to her so far, to recruit her for swimming. More emails come every week. She has narrowed down her choices and has spoken to all of the coaches about her condition, and all of the coaches have been supportive of her. After meets, they call or text and ask her how she did and how she felt. No one has crossed her off of their recruiting list because of her condition. Instead it has almost been the opposite. They see her drive and desire to stay in the water, even with circumstances that don’t make it easy for her. They see how she has continued to drop time in her events, and how she turned herself into a sprint and mid-distance contender when distance had to be taken off the table.
I see a girl who has always had to fight for it, a girl who gets her little brother off the bus and takes him to KidWatch at the Y so she can get another workout in. I see a girl who has made a gluten free diet a permanent choice, a strong girl who takes such delight in upping her weights at the gym. I see a girl who has maintained a 4.5 GPA throughout high school while getting up at 3:50 a.m. for practice every weekday. I see a girl that has been chosen as the Visual Arts Student of the Year and/or the Photography Student of the Year every year she has been in high school. I see a girl who was chosen to be President of the National Art Honor Society at her school. She is a triple threat: academics, athletics, art. I see a girl that loves swimming, a girl that is unstoppable. Perseverance is in her blood.
Transition Hiccups
Filed under: Growing Pains, Mental Strain for Mama, Sports
In a month and a half, our family will have been in our new location, five hours from what we all knew as home, for a year. After an initial adjustment period, for the most part, life has just continued on. The girls have adjusted to their new schools. We’ve made the house our own. We’ve started to venture out in our new surroundings to find our new favorite places and things to do. We’ve all made some new friends. I was warned by several swimming friends that the swimming transition might be the worst one, that a new club and new coaches would take a year to settle into for the girls. I expected that and prepared the girls for it the best that I could.
I didn’t worry about Sassy as much; her outgoing personality always seems to break the ice. After practicing so hard all year long, Sassy began to get her “BB” times and get hungry for more. When she realized how close she was getting to “A” times, she got even more motivated. This past weekend, she swam her very first “A” time in the 50 back, something she didn’t expect that she would do until she turned 10. Despite being the one in our family most vocal about not wanting to move, she has made the swimming transition look easy. A transition at 8 is easier than a transition at 13.
Because I know this, I worried more about Swim Girl, whose quiet and more introspective personality can be more easily misinterpreted by others. I also worried because her relationship with our previous club’s coach was such a strong one. He understood how she was feeling during a practice or after a race, without her having to say a word. He knew her well enough to know that she is a rule-follower and would never skip part of a set to appear faster than someone else. He knew that yelling at her was not the way to motivate her, and that it sometimes took a while for certain things to really sink in. She didn’t believe in shortcuts, and she proved that with her work ethic over the 4.5 years he coached her. He also knew how far she had come and how hard she had worked to get where she is today. Swimming didn’t come naturally to her when she started; but she had the love for the sport that others didn’t always possess. Despite coming in last and getting disqualified, she wanted to work harder and get better. She didn’t give up. She pushed herself and she achieved. It’s this history that her current coaches don’t know, and that she’s too shy and intimidated to share with them.
At the beginning of the short course season this year, Swim Girl was stagnant with her times. But over time, she began to drop her times across all her strokes. She went from a 2:28 in 200 back to a 2:15; from a 1:02 in 100 free to a 56; from a 5:53 in 500 free to a 5:32; from a 1:17 in 100 breast to a 1:12; from a 2:43 in 200 breast to a 2:35; from a 2:28 in 200 IM to a 2:19. Long course season started off with her swimming an Age Group Champs cut in the 1500 the very first time she swam it. The hiccup with her times didn’t last very long at all. She set a goal for herself, that she wanted to qualify for SCY Age Group Champs and make a Senior Champs cut (despite the times being more challenging to get in this state). She did both. One would think her confidence would be soaring, but it’s not.
It’s been good for her to be at a club with so many great swimmers her age. It has taken some of the pressure off, so that she’s been able to just concentrate on her technique and her times. She’s made some very good friends at our new club. But she has some lofty swimming goals she’s shared with me that she’s too afraid to share with her coach. She has questions she wants to ask about how to fix things that stay inside her head instead. She shuts down and stays quiet when she gets yelled at for going too slow, rather than ratting out those who skipped out on part of a set. So many of these kids have been with these coaches for years. They have the kind of relationships with them that she had back home with hers. She’s starting from scratch; and I can tell that it’s bothering her. They don’t know her history and she’s not quite sure how to establish a good relationship without that. As her parent, I feel like I need to help her; but I’m also wary of becoming “that parent,” and feel that at 14, she needs to take the initiative to speak up and communicate with her coach without my interference. I just hope that I can get her to start speaking up.
These are the things that make me miss the easiness that used to be home. In some ways, I’m glad we have an upcoming trip to go back and visit; but I’m also worried that the trip will just make us miss home that much more.
All the Missing Girls
When news first broke of the missing UVA student, Hannah Graham, I felt physically ill. There are entirely too many children and young women who go missing in this country and beyond. It brought back Natalie Holloway memories from years ago, another missing girl, never found. When you have your own children, it hits so close to home, especially when you see the Graham’s, the mental and physical exhaustion and the overwhelming sadness and despair displayed like a billboard on their faces. As a Mom of a daughter who will be in High School next year, I know how fast they grow up. Middle school has flown by; High School will too. And then my girl will be off to college, and I will worry endlessly because of the world we live in right now.
The Hannah Graham case bothers me, in particular, for so many reasons. I can identify with her as I was once a college student as well. Those four years are when you taste your first bit of freedom and independence. The sudden independence can sometimes result in making poor decisions. I remember walking home by myself from work in the city of Pittsburgh, late at night sometimes. I remember getting tired of being at a party and walking down the hill to my dorm, by myself. Those decisions were not in my best interest. I should have had a friend with me, or called for a shuttle. But I didn’t have a cell phone back then, and I didn’t really think about it being unsafe. I shouldn’t have had to worry. A woman should be able to take a walk without expecting to be kidnapped, assaulted or killed.
The most disturbing thing about Hannah Graham’s disappearance is that there are so many people who are blaming her for whatever has happened to her. There are tweets about her being dressed inappropriately; posts about her being drunk and stupid, and all kinds of other blaming language that makes me absolutely sick. Blaming her for the situation she’s in because of her outfit is insulting to men too. Should men really have NO control over their desires when they see an attractive woman wearing a crop top? Making these kinds of statements is insulting to men and women alike. Young women AND men should also be able to make a mistake with their alcohol intake without paying with their lives. It is a sad state of affairs when one night of overindulgence turns into a missing persons case. When I taught Sexual Assault Awareness seminars at the University of Pittsburgh and surrounding schools, I used to tell the attendees that a woman wearing nothing but cellophane is certainly asking for attention, but NO ONE is asking to be raped.
There are also those trying to turn this into a race issue. Two of the missing girls from this area are black. This is a missing girl problem, not a race issue. I don’t care if the perpetrator is white, black or purple. I just want him/them caught and the girls to come home. And if the last person who was seen with her is now on the run, it doesn’t look very good for him. Why didn’t he just tell police what he knew? His behavior alone makes him look guilty. If he has nothing to hide, then why lawyer up, refuse to talk, and leave town? Innocent people don’t act like this. And if he truly is innocent and just scared of being blamed for something he didn’t do, then he should want to help police with whatever information he may have that may lead to the right person. I don’t understand that behavior; and I really don’t understand a lawyer that could advise him otherwise, unless of course, he’s hiding something.
Hannah is not the only girl to go missing from the Charlottesville, VA and surrounding areas either. Over the years, many women have gone missing from this area, their bodies never found (with the exception of Morgan Harrington, who should have been able to attend a Metallica concert without paying with her life). A quick Google search for “Route 29 stalker” turns up some truly scary stuff. Why are women going missing from this area, and why can’t they find the person/s who’s doing it?
The video surveillance they have of Hannah Graham on the night she went missing is disturbing too. In one, she’s walking right to left along the mall. A man standing in a doorway seems to spot her and he slowly moves out into the crowd and starts following her. This is the man who has supposedly come forward to identify the person of interest. Perhaps someone should be taking another look at him. In addition, you have the person of interest, Jesse Matthew, who you see walking left to right, crossing the mall and then falling in step behind her as well. In other videos he’s seen with her. What if they guy in the doorway is acting as a spotter? Why have the person of interest AND his two roommates vanished into thin air? What if this is part of a human trafficking ring, now on the move because the police began sniffing around? Human trafficking is this country’s dirty little secret. Where I moved from, in recent years, multiple rings were broken up. My hometown was forming a task force to combat Human Trafficking. Human Trafficking’s presence would certainly help to explain all of the people who go missing, their bodies never found.
I think the most disturbing thing of all though, is that on a personal level, there’s yet another instance I need to talk about with my girls. There’s another case out there that lets them know that this world is not the innocent and safe place I’d like it to be for them. In today’s society, you have to be mistake-proof; because a single wrong turn on a street could mean you’re gone. One too many drinks can mean you’re vulnerable; and accepting a drink from someone can make you even more so. I hope and pray they find Hannah, and all of the other missing girls alive somewhere. The Cleveland case gives me some hope, although the torture those poor women endured is just beyond comprehension. Keep your eyes open for things that don’t seem right. Report things that give you that funny feeling; and maybe, just maybe, we can make this world a safer place for ourselves and our children, and bring girls like Hannah Graham home.
If you haven’t already, check out “Help Save the Next Girl.”
Recognize the signs: HumanTrafficking.org
Missing Persons List: do you recognize anyone?
Have you seen this guy or the car he’s traveling in?
On the Verge of Cyber School
Filed under: Mental Strain for Mama, Things that get my gi all in a bunch
I taught for five years, so I never wanted to be THAT parent. . . the complaining one. But lately, my concerns feel like they’re bubbling over, under pressure, to the point of explosion. In fact, it’s getting so bad that I, the person who swore I would NEVER consider it, am actually starting to research home-schooling and cyber schooling. Former public school teachers don’t usually go there. This one is about ready to go directly there.
Let’s start with the gym teacher. He’s the typical male middle school gym teacher, also the head football coach. I’m told by many parents that my kid just needs to get through his units. I had hoped for better than that. We pay a lot of school taxes. He’s the type of coach from the Grease movie, the one who drives the golf cart around sitting on his unfit butt, while he yells at the kids to do things their growing bodies shouldn’t be doing. Swim Girl has had to suffer through her second year of him this year. Last year, she ended up with a knee injury and months of physical therapy. Mind you, her injury didn’t result from her year-round swimming, but rather from gym class. Take a second to chew on that.
This year, this “teacher” (I use the term lightly) has had them doing a muscle “endurance” unit involving resistance bands. That’s all fine and good if the bands are the proper resistance and if he’s insuring that the kids are using proper form. However, neither of those two things are happening. This week, just days before her LSC Elite Meet, she has a giant knot in her shoulder muscle, resulting from his carelessness and lack of proper instruction and supervision. Both her coach and her PT were shocked at the obvious trauma to the muscle.
I don’t EVER do this, but today I wrote an email to him. I was extremely polite, and told him I would like her to avoid doing any exercises that could further injure her shoulder until . I told him that both her swim coaches and her trainer/PT told her she has a knot in her muscle and that she should avoid aggravating it any further. I offered to send in a lighter resistance band for her if he doesn’t have a light enough one. I avoided chastising him about the fact that when my daughter asked him for a study guide today, he barked at her “get it later” despite the fact that she was in gym class right THEN; and asking for a study guide would imply that she actually cares about learning and would like to study. The reply I got from him makes my freaking blood boil. There is absolutely ZERO concern for her health and well-being from her so-called “wellness” teacher. There was nothing other than a terse response, a statement to tell me that “the unit is now over” (because I guess that’s supposed to make me feel better), and then incorrect usage of the word “suffice.”I don’t know which part annoys me more. I was an English teacher; it’s probably the “suffice” part.
In the past month, my daughter has waited almost a month each time she takes a math test to get her grade back. It’s difficult to learn from your mistakes when they’re not even fresh in your head anymore. This, mind you, is AFTER Mr. BBM and I have had a conference with him. Another teacher has spent class time talking about murderers and rapists and how if they get a good lawyer, they’ll likely get off and get away with it. Nice. And yet another teacher has told her about how her father held a gun to her baby sister’s head when she was a kid. Because that is totally school appropriate. I’d LOVE to call them all out on all of this stuff, but I also know what that could mean for how my kid is treated the rest of the year. I have no expectation of professionalism when these are the daily occurrences.
I live in the district that has the highest test scores in the county, that does quite well when compared to other schools in the state and country; and here I am, seriously considering pulling my kid out of school. I was (and am with Sassy) so happy with the elementary school. I was even happy with the first year of Middle School. Is this year just a fluke? Do we just have “to get through it”? Will it get better? I thought being in the Gifted program would change things a bit. I thought she would be academically challenged. Instead she has read over 1400 pages this quarter (none of it at home) because she finishes everything early in school and has nothing to do.
The only thing holding me back from pulling her now is her art teacher, who happens to be amazing. But it’s becoming more and more difficult to ignore the inappropriate things that are happening in her school. I send my 12-year-old into their care every day; and I do not appreciate them discussing things in class that I would never consider discussing in front of her at home. If you’ve decided to home school or cyber school, I want to hear from you, and I want to hear all about it.
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