May 5, 2010

There is No New Normal

Since my grandmother died, I've been having trouble falling asleep and staying asleep. Our family made so many decisions during her last week and it's nearly impossible to not question things, feel guilty, and want things to be different.

The other day, Big I told me that she was having dreams about Grammom. I can't even tell you how jealous I felt of the fact that she can still see her at night. Each night, I pray that I'll have a dream about her, just so I can see her alive, hear her laugh and see her smile. I want to see her the way I knew her before her stroke and I guess I'm having a hard time because my most recent days with her are not the way I'd like to remember her.

On Monday, Lil C and I stopped over at my pop-pop's house for a visit. It felt so strange and awful without her there, knowing she wouldn't be coming back home. My Grammom was always so welcoming but my pop-pop is much more of a loner. We stood awkwardly in the kitchen while every thought in my head was that I would do just about anything to have more time with her. When I couldn't take the awkward conversation in the kitchen anymore, Lil C and I decided we would clean my Grammom's bird baths out back.

In the one bird bath, we found a robin's egg, perfect except for the fact that it was under water with no nest or parent anywhere in site.

Abandoned.

That's how it felt being there without her there too, laughing at Lil C trying to get the right pressure on the hose without blowing all the water right back out of the clean bird baths.

Everyone is expecting me to just get back to normal, but there is no normal anymore. A world without her presence is so different, so quiet, so hollow. I know she wouldn't want me feeling like this, that she would want me to move on and just remember the good times we had, but it is so hard going anywhere without her. 

This weekend is going to be particularly difficult for my Mom and I've been trying desperately to come up with a way to make it even a tiny bit easier. I just don't think a way exists.

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Posted by on May 5, 2010 in Mental Strain for Mama | 9 Comments

Comments

9 Comments on There is No New Normal

  1. Charlie On the Pennsylvania Turnpike on Wed, 5th May 2010 11:19 am

    2. Hoping you find your peace soon.

  2. Papa Bradstein on Wed, 5th May 2010 11:25 am

    3. Those most recent days with her will fade away and you will once again remember her for the majority of her life, before the stroke. And the new normal will arrive, although it takes time–I wish I could say that it didn’t take much time, or that the time passes easily, but from my own experience, I’d be lying. By the time it arrives, you won’t be looking for it, but you’ll be grateful for it. In the meantime, you’re doing the exact right thing…taking one step at a time. Hang in there and hang onto the love that you have.

  3. Finn on Wed, 5th May 2010 6:34 pm

    4. I think you just have to move through whatever you’re feeling: sadness, anger, grief… You have to grieve or you’ll never find a new normal.
    It will come in its own time.
    ((hugs))

  4. Nicole on Wed, 5th May 2010 10:13 pm

    5. I found your blog through a friends blog and thought wow, we have A LOT in common. I hope you all find peace in this tough time. It sounds like you have lots of people pulling for you. Hang in there.

  5. FoxyCitrus on Thu, 6th May 2010 7:16 am

    6. Something my aunt did after my grandmother died was make some of my grandmother’s favorite recipes. My grandmother used to love to cook, and made a lot of our favorite meals from scratch.
    My grandmother died in 2006, and we still get her famous “tassies” from my aunt every year around her birthday. I know it helps my aunt remember her, and my mom loves it too. That might be a way you can remember her…just an idea.

  6. Deryck on Thu, 6th May 2010 1:46 pm

    7. Whilst you continue to remember them they live on with us always. And I don’t think you’re one of those that is going to let all the good times be taken away with her.

  7. Tabitha on Fri, 7th May 2010 11:22 pm

    8. I stumbled on your blog through goggle and could not believe that this was the entry it took me to. I lost my gram last year and definitely understand everything that you are going through. It is tough and you have to take it one day (hour / minute / second) at a time. I wish there was a magic wand that we could wave and have our special loved ones back but unfortunately not. You are doing the best you can and that is all that you can ask for.

  8. Black Belt Mama on Sat, 8th May 2010 11:02 am

    9. I wish there was a magic wand too. Thanks for your comment. Glad you came for a visit, and hope to see you back.

  9. defendUSA on Sat, 8th May 2010 12:15 pm

    10. Okay…*this* post has me sobbing at the computer. My gram was the glue. She was the one who was the motivation for me to stay in touch with my Dad’s side of the family. And I did my best. Sadly, my Dad’s sister is a b and is angry at my siblings and I for not doing more!! Her brother, my dad was never a father to us but he was a great ‘Unck” to my cousins. I don’t know what she expected from us but, now my Gramp is leading a happy old timers life in a lutheran home. He is thankful for every day and misses his “dolly” but even he knows it will not be the same for me. I miss her like crazy and although they are in another state, I cannot bring myself to visit more often. I want to remember him on my terms…pretty selfish, I know. But I can’t do anymore and it breaks my heart, but at least Grampa gets it and we talk about it.
    It’s been 10 years, and I have only dreamt of her once. Sorry you are sad, but it will get better.

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