May 9, 2010

In Need of Some Good

I used to hate reading depressing blogs. It seemed to me that some writers were just followed around by a big giant dark cloud and I didn't want to be one of them. And here I am. You might as well just start calling me "Debbie" as in "Downer."

On Christmas night of this past year, when we had to put our 13 year old cat to sleep, I kept one positive thought in my head. Clearly, if this is the way I was going to end 2009, then 2010 would surely have to be better.

Yet here I sit, on Mother's Day, the most difficult one ever, because my Grammom isn't here anymore. I never saw that coming at Christmas, despite the fact that she told us it would be her last Christmas. As a present, she gave my Mom a bunch of her favorite photographs of her parents and grand-parents. I should have seen it coming. I just refused.

And then on this past Tuesday night, Mr. BBM felt a small lump on the back of my cat "Bear." Bear has always been MY cat. He adores me. Despite the fact that I'm allergic to him, he follows me around the house much like a dog. The other night I wanted to see how far he would go and I kept moving where I was sitting to see what he would do. He followed me three separate times. There is no doubt about who his favorite person is in this house. He was truly my first baby.

Saturday, Mr. BBM took him to the vet and they aspirated the lump. The vet is fairly certain it's a sarcoma. She said words to my husband like "tenacious" and "radical surgery" and "frequently comes back." She also said that he has a level three heart murmur, an enlarged kidney and thyroid and that based on these things and that he's 14, she doesn't even know if surgery would be an option for him because she doesn't know that he would make it. He has spent his whole life with medical issues: something called mega-colon and cataracts that restrict his vision. Yet he is the most gentle and loving cat I have ever known. He calls me "Mom," literally. He is this super talkative cat with incredible personality and Mr. BBM swears he actually speaks.

I got the call while I was standing in an animal shelter with the girls, helping my sister's boyfriend pick a new cat. Big I instantly knew something was wrong and I couldn't lie to her. I told her he's getting older and that he now has even more problems than he had before. She started to cry and told me she needed to go sit down outside and that she wanted to come home right away.

Because the shelter was an hour away from home, we stopped for a quick bite to eat at a roadside ice cream place/deli. She took one bite of her sandwich, looked at me with tears in her eyes, and asked, "Why is this happening to us? First Colby, then Grammom, and now Bear."

I told her I felt the exact same way and that I just didn't know. I know this isn't happening to us. It's just happening. It's called life, but it seems like we're getting a particularly cruel slice of it during these past few months. It has been one thing after another after another.

We all spent the weekend with good friends and family and tried to distract ourselves in any way possible. With all the knee issues still lingering over me in addition to all of this, I am just completely spent. I feel like someone has tied us up like heavy bags and is just beating us over and over again. I can barely get myself through this; getting the girls through yet another death so close to the last two is going to be no small feat.

I reached out to social workers and hospice people for help with my Grammom. I've talked to my Pastor about how to get the girls through all this death and heartache. But there just doesn't seem to be anything to make the horrible hurt go away for them or for me.

For now, Bear is happy and running around like a kitten; but I know how quickly Colby went downhill and how hard it was to see him like that. I won't let Bear suffer. He's been too good of a cat, but I can't tell you how much I wish, that when it's his time, he just curls up and falls asleep for one final time. I am tired of being the person who makes decisions about whether people and pets stay or go. I can't do it one more time, not now.

I need a nice big dose of good and I need it now. We so need it now.