December 25, 2009

Not the Christmas I had Imagined

I can't remember a Christmas morning as nice and fun as ours was this year. When the family arrived, we took turns opening gifts instead of having it be a free for all. It was so much more relaxed. It was really nice.

It was overshadowed a bit by my cat Colby, being sick. When we came home from vacation, he seemed ok, but skinny, unusually skinny. We thought he had not been eating as much because he missed us. My neighbor talked to me one day while on vacation and said he wasn't eating. When I talked to her the next time, she said he seemed better. I was worried about him having a urinary tract infection but he was drinking and going to the bathroom. I thought things would be ok.

Last night, Mr. BBM told me something was definitely very wrong. I ventured downstairs, despite my allergies to cats and pet him for a while. He was lethargic, not eating at all and I knew it wasn't good. I watched him walk to the litter box and he looked like he was in pain, walking gingerly, taking his time with each step.

We sent my sister a text and asked if she could bring anything to help today. She works at a vet so she showed up with all kinds of things so that we could try to get him to eat. Mr. BBM fed him baby food and liquids with a syringe. We stood him up to show my sister how he was walking and when he climbed back into his blanket, he fell forward. He was barely moving and he felt cold to me.

We found a vet ER that was open and I loaded up the carrier with warm towels and Colby, hoping for the best but fearing the worst. I told Mr. BBM we had better have the girls give him a hug and pet him, tell him they love him and so they did.

When we arrived, they took one look at him with his drastic weight loss in just the past few days and immediately took him back to see the vet. Her news wasn't good. There was a mass under his rib cage, definitely cancer, probably a very aggressive and fast growing one since this came on so very quickly. She gave us our options and told us she strongly recommended we put him to sleep. She said his temperature was low, and that his body was shutting down. She said he was obviously in pain. She wasn't telling us anything we didn't already know. We just didn't want to believe it. They could try surgery, but she honestly didn't think that he'd even live up until the time they had him prepped for it. He was already dying.

I sobbed and asked a ton of questions, some to her, some to God, about how this could possibly happen on Christmas Day and how I was supposed to break it to my little girls at home who had said prayers and told him he'd be ok and that they would see him later.

We took some alone time with him and for the first time all day, he actually purred as I put my arm down his back and gently pet him, his head in my other hand. I felt like he was saying he knew what was going to happen and that he was ok with it. The vet gave him two injections into the port and within seconds he was gone. I kept my arm around his blanketed body and held his head the whole time, not wanting it on the cold table. Mr. BBM and I pet him and talked to him while he left. It was so hard.

It is SO hard.

We were there the day he was born because he was born on my in-laws' deck when Mr. BBM and I were in college. He has been ours for 13 years and 8 months and he has always been with his brother and litter mate, Bear.

When it was all over, Mr. BBM and I each took turns holding him and crying. I wrapped him up snugly in the blanket, finally, and we said our final goodbyes.

I couldn't believe I had to bring an empty carrier home to the girls and to our Bear. Big I took it particularly hard. She doesn't understand why God didn't listen to her and answer her prayer. Trying to explain this to children is the most difficult thing I have ever had to do.

We read a poem called the Rainbow Bridge and that seemed to help her a bit. Just now though, I heard a huge sob come from her room. I'm going to go climb into bed with her until she goes to sleep.

Lil C is sleeping with her Colby webkin that looks just like him. She kicked all her other stuffed animals out tonight.

We already miss you so much Colby.