December 14, 2006

A Very Non-Martha Christmas

Every year I do this to myself.  I start stressing about the holidays around Thanksgiving time and don’t stop until they’re over.  Then, of course, comes my birthday, shortly after the holidays and in the dead of winter, so it makes for a lovely few months for me.  Every year I imagine being finished with shopping EARLY, and that all my presents will be perfectly wrapped. . .

But then reality hits.  And karate testing also comes this time of year which brings added stress.

I was having a conversation with one of my best friends last week and she said "Martha has help," and she is so right.  Women put pressure on themselves to have the perfect holiday season, but we don’t have a staff of 200 who do it for us.  So here are the Marthaism’s for the holiday season, followed by the grim reality of it all:

Marthaism 1:  All presents will be wrapped neatly and adorned with accents such as holly, cinnamon sticks, and of course ornate ribbons.

Reality:  If you get a gift from me that is completely covered, consider yourself lucky.  There are two children in this home who think Scotch tape is all the rage, which means that there are lots of unnecessary pieces of sticking-to-itself-and-everything-else tape on the gift at inappropriate places (Oh, and it may have a piece of cat hair stuck in it as well).  There is a lack of tape where it’s needed which explains the whole "be glad if it’s even covered completely" thing.  Oh, and bows?  Yeah, cats eat them and barf them.  There are no ribbons or bows in my house.

Marthaism 2:  The Christmas buffet will have approximately seven courses.  Beautiful appetizers, lovingly prepared meats and other dishes will also be displayed.  There will be at least six desserts made from scratch including several that took three days a piece to make.

Reality:  Hot sandwiches from a crock pot anyone?  Who’s got time to cook?  Dessert?  Yeah, I made some cookies two weeks ago.  Enjoy.

Marthaism 3:  Christmas cards will be addressed using beautiful handwriting and/or calligraphy.  Each card will contain a personal signature and note. 

Reality:  If you get my Christmas card by Valentine’s Day, consider it an act of God.  Sending out Christmas cards is the equivalent of self-torture for me.  Every year, I swear I WILL NOT SEND A CARD TO ANYONE WHO HAS NOT SENT ME ONE the previous year.  But each year, I lose my list from the previous years senders and decide to start everyone from scratch.  Everyone gets to start with a fresh slate. So, I address and mail each card, and then watch the mailbox and see who really gives a crap about me, and when people don’t. . . I get secretly annoyed.  BIG TIME!

Marthaism 4:  All the Christmas shopping should be done early to avoid the crowds.

Reality:  I am still searching for a damn Wii that I’m never going to find.  That alone could explain my headache that has lasted (I kid you not) six days straight now.  I am also missing gifts for at least five other family members.  And NO, I am not willing to camp at Best Buy this weekend people.  I have a life.

Marthaism 5:  Everyone will enjoy the holidays and be happy and healthy to start the New Year.

Reality:  You know all the pictures of families sitting around the table?  Imagine that with a big vat of tissues.  Every year, someone is sick.  When I was little, I had the chicken pox for Christmas. Last year, Lil C was suffering through her first cold and had big black circles under her eyes (as did Mommy).  This year, Big I has an ear infection and Lil C has followed in her footsteps.  Both girls have colds that turned into even more fun for Mom.  It’s a very pink Christmas around here, what with all the Amoxicillin and everything.  I’m hoping they’re over it by Christmas and that I will not be used as a human tissue by Lil C while wearing my Christmas finery.  But we all know the reality of this one. . . they’ll be better, just in time for me to get sick.  It never fails.

Marthaism 6:  Homes should be decorated inside and out for Christmas.  Christmas trees should be decorated just so, with all the proper adornment including bows, balls, ornaments, etc. 

Reality:  If you can find my extension cords, I will gladly put my candles in the windows.  They’re gone, I tell you, gone.  And Mr. BBM refuses to buy more because "They have to be here somewhere."  And as far as the tree goes, the bottom half of my tree is very. . . vacant at the moment.  Last night, Lil C slept with one of the Christmas ornaments.  They’re also in her toy box, in sofa cushions, etc.  Did I mention that both of my trees are leaning?  Yeah.

I’m sure I’ll think of more as the big day draws closer.  Tonight is pre-testing for karate, which will be great fun with the headache that won’t go away.  But the way I see it?  It gets me away from the pile of Christmas cards that are just staring at me, waiting for stamps. 

Where are the stamps anyway?

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Posted by on December 14, 2006 in Mental Strain for Mama | 6 Comments

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