December 9, 2009

ACL Knee: Always On My Mind

Last week I finally made it into karate class for the first time in a couple weeks. Because my knee has been so incredibly cranky, I told my teacher right up front that I couldn't do the kneeling for the rei in or out. He said it wasn't a problem and that we would do it from a standing position.

I made it through class, but my knee complained much of the time. Turning and pivoting absolutely sucked. Standing in nai hanchi wasn't fun either. After class officially ended, I stayed a little longer and worked out with several other black belts. We worked on a couple black belt kata. My teacher asked what I wanted to do and I said I would do whatever he wanted to do. I was clearly out of practice and welcomed reviewing anything. But we didn't review.

He mentioned something about me needing Chinto for 2nd degree and we got right into it. To be perfectly honest, I haven't once thought about going beyond Shodan. So happy and content to wrap that black obi around my waist each time I go, I just haven't even allowed myself to consider the possibilities of moving up in rank. Simply getting into the dojo has been sufficient for me.

I miss karate immensely. Although I was stressed and tired, training four-five days a week during those months leading up to testing was fun. The testing group has a tight bond and we all get along so well. Although I'd be drenched at the end of the two-three hour night (sometimes more), I was enjoying myself and the hard work.

I absolutely hate that I have become the type of black belt I never wanted to be. I arrive and people are happy to see me because it's been a while since I've been there. We have catching up to do because I haven't been there regularly. I absolutely hate that I'm not there regularly.

I've been putting it off for months because I wanted things to magically get better, but I'm realizing that the new year is probably going to contain another visit to a surgeon. My knee is not right. Currently, half of it is blue and purple. The bruising extends out from the tibia incision area all the way up into my knee cap. I realized the other day that I'm limping a bit and that I have to really work to be able to completely straighten it sometimes. Putting any type of pressure on the knee by kneeling is through the roof painful.

Last night I sat on the sofa and did some scar tissue massage in the area where I'm so sore. It was almost unbearable. I had every intention of going to karate again last night, but I felt that it was probably best that I didn't risk making it even more sore than it already is right now. We're going to Disney World soon and I need to be able to walk and keep up with my girls.

I can honestly say that tearing my ACL is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. It has robbed me of so many things. I think about how Lil C would sit at the top of the stairs when it first happened and cry because I had to scoot down the stairs like she did; I couldn't hold her. I think about how I feel every night that I want to be training, but am instead elevating my knee on the sofa. I think about it every time I want to put on a pair of my heels and know I can't because I'm going to pay for it for a week after. I think about it every time I have a twinge of soreness or stiffness (which is pretty much every day). I think about it every second that I'm at karate and it makes me mad that it is constantly an issue. I long for the days when all I worried about was whether or not my self defense move worked or my kata looked the way it's supposed to, And I'm angry that I'm not one of the people who can just bounce right back from it and not have another problem. Next week will be two years since my original surgery and I am not where I want to be, not anywhere close.

If a visit to a surgeon in the new year brings yet another surgery, it will be three years in a row. That is three years too many.