December 31, 2007

A Difficult Resolution to Make

It is easy to forget why I put myself through ACL reconstruction surgery when I’m not in the dojo and around the people I train with on a regular basis. Although I miss karate greatly, after enduring these past two weeks, it would be easy to convince myself that going back is a bad idea. It’s a very scary prospect, the thought of reinjuring my knee or hurting the other one.

Yesterday, a karate friend came for a visit and it was just the mental boost I needed. Seeing him and discussing karate and training brought it all back to me, the reason I put myself through this. He brought me a book on training for speed, and the visit lit a fire under me. My fear of going back was trumped by a new determination to get back in there. I need to get back in there. Just being there makes me feel better, and that is what I’ve been missing these past couple weeks. My goal is to get back into the dojo within the next two weeks.

This may seem like a minor thing to someone who doesn’t know my dojo. However, my dojo is not exactly easy to get into. There is a big step to get up into the dojo with double doors, which is challenging enough on its own for someone who has to walk with a completely straight leg. The big step is followed by a full staircase of very narrow steps. The railings do not extend to the very top of the stairs. Since injuring my knee in October, I’ve been sitting and scooting up and down those stairs Lil C style. Just being able to get in there would feel like such a huge accomplishment right now; and I know it would feel good to see everyone and watch them train. This will be a big step back to independence, and one that I need to do soon. It has nothing to do with my knee, but everything to do with my mental well-being.

I worked a bit on that independence this morning. I showered, got dressed (minus putting my shoe and sock on my left foot because I just can’t do that yet), and drove myself to physical therapy. Everything took twice as long to do as it usually does. It felt good to be in the car by myself, but I need to remind Mr. BBM to not use the emergency brake. I had to contort myself into a pretzel to apply enough pressure with my right foot to release it, since my left foot is just not ready for the job yet.

The drive was going fine until my new navigation system started talking to me from its concealed location on the floor. I about jumped out of my skin, thinking someone was in the back seat. Flustered from that little scare, getting out of the car almost induced a panic attack. I’m semi-claustrophobic. I don’t like being stuck. I can barely stand being in my knee brace sometimes because of feeling confined. In order to get into the car, I had to slide the seat all the way back so as to pull my bent and sore leg into the car without twisting it. Once in the car, I moved the seat back up a bit to be able to drive comfortably. Forgetting I had done this, I tried to get out of the car without first moving the seat back and started having an internal freak out session when I couldn’t get my leg out of the car.

I tried to quiet the anxiety by telling myself that if I was able to get in the car just five minutes ago, then there’s no reason I shouldn’t be able to get back out. It was then that I remembered to move the seat back and life got a little easier.

We started my PT session with ice and stims as usual. I was able to complete my quad sets with only a small rolled up towel under my knee for the first 15 and then nothing under my knee for the last 15. My knee cap feels a little funny when I do them that way, but I need to make sure I can keep full extension. My PT gave me a 2.5 lb. weight for my leg lifts today and that went fine. I’ve been doing leg lifts like crazy at home so I think I’m getting a little stronger.

Then it was time for the bending. The first few bends are always so difficult. My knee feels so stiff and uncomfortable, but after five or six, I can move a lot better. My PT helped by gently bending my knee for me after I had done a bunch on my own. It felt so much better when he was doing it for me. I don’t know what it is about him, but he’s very soothing and he helps me relax. He brought out the measuring device and I dreaded hearing the number since I wasn’t feeling like I was bending that much.

109 degrees.

That’s a six degree improvement from just three days ago. Today is the two week mark post surgery and my PT said that at this point he likes people to be at 90 degrees. He said I’ve "shattered" that. Despite his encouragement and a number that can’t be denied, I have to say that I don’t feel like I’m shattering anything these days.

The progress may seem rapid to my PT and to others, but to me it seems to be at the pace of a snail. I want to feel normal in the worst way. I want to be rid of the crutches. My PT asked me why I feel I still have to use them. I showed him how I walk without them. It’s not pretty. It’s a stutter step on that left leg to quickly get me back on my right. Putting full weight on my left leg feels like teetering on the edge of a cliff. My quad is still rebelling.

He said we’re going to try to get me off the crutches within the next week or two. He told me to try to use just one at home, and keep putting more and more weight on that leg, since it will also help my quad muscle come back to life. Once home again, I was able to get around with one crutch in my kitchen. My goal for the next few days is to put more and more weight on that leg for longer periods of time.

When I first injured my knee, one of my instructors told me that "injuries teach us patience." I’m not a very patient person, but I think that my resolution for 2008 will have to be becoming more patient. Otherwise, this rehabilitation is going to be too frustrating and annoying. Becoming more patient is the only way my mind and body are going to be able to get along.

What’s your resolution for 2008?