November 19, 2007

Patience

Last week, I watched Big I’s karate classes from the sidelines. The desire to get back out on the floor again is so strong that I began daydreaming about whether or not I’d be able to balance by putting most of my weight on one foot in order to do drills where you don’t have to move your legs much. I thought about putting a chair out on the floor so that I could sit there and do the arm movements. I thought about what good exercise it would be to just balance on my right leg during class for all the drills. I could do cat stance, I reasoned with myself.

My daydreams were then interrupted by Big I’s one instructor. He asked me if I could work with one of the little girls on her punch from the sidelines. Her punches were not going to the solar plexus. Instead they were being thrust out there at about shoulder height in a very haphazard fashion. While the instructor continued with the other kids, this little girl sat beside me and we worked on punches.

I told her to watch herself in the mirror and aim for her belly. The punches were still going up to her shoulders and beyond. So, I showed her how her gi comes to an "x" almost right at the perfect punch spot. I told her that was her target, and to look at herself in the mirror and punch that "x" every time. It seemed to click; and I sent her back out on the floor to practice the next skill.

It was a nice little distraction from my daydreams, and it felt good to help someone else instead of having everybody help me all the time. I’m not playing the role of the injured girl very well. I’ve been trying to walk around without my crutches entirely too much, because it’s so frustrating to not be able to do things for myself. It’s impossible to carry a drink up to the living room when both hands are holding onto the crutches. Although being waited on was initially nice, it’s now very annoying to have to rely on other people all the time. For my independent thinking in the form of walking without crutches around the house sometimes, I paid for it yesterday.

My knee hurt terribly. At the end of the day, I sprawled out on the floor on my stomach to have Mr. BBM inspect the back of my knee. The back of my knee is SO sore. It’s sore to the touch and some of the exercises were really hurting it too. Mr. BBM said I was a little swollen. I asked him to get me some ice and attempted to get off the floor without asking for help. My knee shifted and that horrible pain shot through my knee. It hurt so bad that my eyes teared up. It’s moments like this that I’m very skeptical about being about to rehabilitate my knee without surgery. It just feels so wrong in there.

I have three more weeks of physical therapy, and then I see the surgeon again. He said that if we decide to do surgery he will get me in within a week or two. Let’s do the math: appointment on the 7th, surgery by the 14th or 21st. Christmas is the 25th. If that’s the case, I am going to have one incredibly miserable Christmas. Not knowing what’s going to happen is also driving me insane.

I told Mr. BBM that I feel like my life is on hold. My plans to test for Shodan, that had been so meticulously mapped out in my head, are now completely up in the air. With the way I’m feeling now, I can’t even imagine going up for testing in February; and if I do have surgery, summer is probably out of the question too.

Lil C is two years old and when Big I was this age, I used to wear holes in the knees of my jeans all the time. I spent so much time crawling around with her and playing with her; and I absolutely hate that even sitting on the floor to play with her is uncomfortable right now. I hate it even worse that carrying her around isn’t an option. She’s only little for so long; these years fly, and I don’t want her early memories to be of her Mommy on crutches.

I was feeling all sorry for myself last night after I twisted my knee, and I asked Mr. BBM why he thought this was happening. Is there a reason for this? If everything has a purpose, then what is the purpose of this? Mr. BBM said, when I first did this to my knee, that this is the perfect piece of "drama" for my eventual book. You know, the part in the book where people’s jaws drop and everyone wonders, "Will BBM get her shodan? Will she be able to do the martial arts again?" and so they keep turning the pages faster and faster to find out. I wish that I could skip to the end chapter and know how it’s all going to work out. For now, it’s just a work in progress and the ending is very uncertain.

As I was getting ready to leave the dojo the other night, one of my instructors said to me, "Injuries teach us patience." I’ve always believed that there is more to the martial arts than just the physical aspects. If the martial arts isn’t just about kicking, punching and technique, then maybe that is why this is happening. Apparently, I’m getting a very well-rounded martial arts education. Lesson #58: Patience.

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***In case you’re looking for the comments, I closed them on this entry. Just because I’m feeling sorry for myself doesn’t mean I expect you to.