Published: Duke Lacrosse Follow-up
Last week I mailed back my permissions contract to a publisher. A few months ago, I was asked by an editor if she could use the post I wrote, inspired by the Duke lacrosse rape case in a book to be published in the fall of 2007 called "At Issue: Date Rape". The book is a collection of contemporary articles and opinions written on the issue of date rape and I was flattered to have been included in the book that is distributed to high schools and colleges throughout the country. It’s one of the few things I have written for publication that I will actually be paid a decent amount for, which is exciting all on its own.
At about the same time, the news story broke that the Duke Lacrosse players are innocent.
And quickly to follow was a comment on my syndicated blog (from a criminal defense attorney) asking me this:
"The lives of these young men have been hurt by those who chose to rush to judgment. The question I pose to you is: will you have a follow-up blog, acknowledging your mistake? While sexual crimes against women are a serious problem, would you agree that failure to recognize the presumption of innocence is an equal affront to justice."
Did I state in my post that the Duke players were guilty? No. Did I assume that they were? Absolutely. As a woman, as a former PEER Educator, as someone who listened to friends sobbing on the phone about their own rape, and as someone who fought off a guy on a date gone wrong many years ago, that was the only possible assumption for me.
Do I owe the Duke lacrosse players an apology? Absolutely not. In my post last year I clearly stated that "the only thing worse than a group of guys sticking together and not saying a word about what they’ve done, is a "victim" who makes up the crime." I left open the possibility that it was made up. And I was right about the fact that a victim making up the crime is despicable. It’s beyond reproach, and it undermines every valid claim of rape that will be made in the future.
I want that woman to know that she has made it markedly more difficult for future rape victims. I want her to know that her lie has enabled many more rapists to get away with their crime because the victims will be afraid to come forward for fear of not being believed. I want her to know that, along with other women and men who made up the crime, she now shares in being a huge part of the problem with rapists, victims, and a culture that chooses to berate and beat up the victim all over again in court. I want her to know that I think she is pathetic; and that I hope the magnitude of what she did is very clear to her, and that she will have to live with that knowledge for the rest of her life.
In this case, the woman isn’t rich and therefore can not compensate the lacrosse players for what they went through. I am thankful that the players have been declared "innocent" instead of just having the charges dropped due to lack of evidence. They will be able to get their lives back and have future success.
I’d like to remind anyone irritated with me voicing my opinion a year ago that many rape victims never get their lives back and that they continue to be haunted by the crime.
But, as I quoted last year in my post, I’ll do so again regarding victims making up crimes:
"As Jim Hines states in his article:
‘It happens. It’s a legitimate fear. But it’s not one I’ve got a lot of sympathy for. Not compared to the people who lived every night in fear that their father, mother, or some other relative would come in and molest them. Not compared to the women who struggled through fear, violation, and helplessness after a boy they trusted turned out to be a rapist. Not compared to the vast number of men and women who did speak out about their victimization, only to be labeled liars and sluts.’"
We’re supposed to have a presumption of innocence in this country and while it’s a novel idea, it just doesn’t happen. The media often tries a case before a potential jury can even get their hands on it. It may not be right, but the assumption that I made about the lacrosse case is the same one a lot of other people made and was based on the information provided by the media, and by my own personal experiences.
Will I be more skeptical in the future if another incident like this happens? Potentially, but much of what we believe is based on who we are and what we’ve experienced; and there is absolutely no way I would doubt an alleged rape victim’s word until I have very good reason to do so.
Sparring Fool
I don’t know why I bothered to wash my hair today, or shower for that matter. Big I’s t-ball practice was canceled tonight so we went to both karate classes. We got there a little late, so while we were changing in the locker room, I heard my instructor mention sparring and my name. I can’t lie. I looked up to see if there was a vent I could crawl through Jack Bauer style. I looked to the back to see if maybe behind that shelf there had an emergency exit hiding behind it, because this certainly qualified as an emergency. I hate to spar and did he say my name and "good she’s here" and "lead a ring"? God, I really hope not. But I think he did. Panic!!!!
When I emerged from the locker room I told the waiting white belts and my instructor that if I had known what he was up to for this class, I never would have showed up. They all laughed; I was serious.
When I heard "lead a ring" I was assuming that my role would be supervisory. It wasn’t. White belts aren’t really supposed to spar other white belts. They’re supposed to spar higher belts. One of those would be me.
We warmed up with stretches and some kata and then everyone geared up and hung out on the side of the dojo. There were a ton of white belts in class tonight, 11 I think. My instructor made sure he went over the ground rules and stressed that he and I were not there to beat on them, but to help them learn (I thought "Good, because then they won’t be expecting much from me.")
My instructor and I split the dojo and took one at a time for a minute and 30 seconds each. I joked that I would only take opponents who were obi (belt) high. That worked out for a while. I sparred the little girls who are friends with Big I and a little boy who had a killer good stance. I also sparred Big I.
Wow! Let me tell you, the days of her being all "I don’t want to hit anyone because I don’t want to hurt anyone" are over. It wasn’t just me either. She went at our instructor with these wild punches and shin kicks too. Thank goodness for shin guards. I have to tell you that I was very impressed with her. The family sparring in the basement has obviously been beneficial for her.
If only it had been beneficial for me. I did fine against the 5 and 6-year olds. Really, I was just putting out slow punches and lingering kicks to see what they’d do with them and try to help them out a bit.
It’s always the pre-teens who give me the most trouble. I don’t know what it is about boys that age and the female chest area, but they are not kind. One boy was very aggressive, but just continued to wallop me in the derriere at full force. When he connected in the gut, I spoke up. When I got nailed in the chest by the black belt kid last year, I was too shy to speak up; but this time I felt it was my duty. Once that kick goes a little higher it’s going to be trouble for any lady-parts that are in the dojo.
I told him to use control, and showed him how every time he walloped me in the butt, I was able to back fist him in the head. He had a strong kick but left himself wide open when those arms swung back instead of staying out front.
When I sparred the adults, one of them was a guy about 6’5". I expected him to pound on me. But he was tentative and careful in his movements (much to my relief). I told him that with his height there was no reason he couldn’t hit me in the head every time (I know because that’s what Mr. BBM does to me every time). By the end of our brief session he was connecting.
Another teenage girl has these ridiculously long and flexible legs. She just throws these high kicks out there but she needs to get her distancing down. She’s also quick to bring that leg back and down, when she has the ability to throw it up there again right away. I told her to go for the stomach and then throw a kick up to the head. By the end of our session, I was kind of wishing I hadn’t told her about that.
After each white belt had sparred twice, it was time for class to end. My instructor had other ideas. "I guess there’s only one match left" he said smiling. At this point I was ready for a cold shower and a gallon of water.
I trudged over, bowed, hit gloves and prepared to be beaten. With the entire white belt crew and parents as the audience, I did the best I could.
But it was not good enough. I threw up kicks to block his. . .and they didn’t really work. I threw punches out. . . and missed my moving target. I got distracted by this freaky hand thing he was doing. . . and took a bunch of shots to the head and stomach. It wasn’t about beating me down; I connected from time to time, but I have so much more to learn. I like sparring with my instructor though, because it motivates me to work harder at it.
I also have to keep in mind that he’s been doing karate for 11 years to my three. Yep, that sort of makes me feel better. Sort of.
What I need is a private lesson with some freeze action where someone stops me in the middle and tells me, "No, not like that. Do THIS!". Maybe I’ll have to talk to my instructor about doing that sometime.
The most mind-blowing thing about the whole night is that I found it fairly easy to watch what the white belts were doing and give them some tips to improve. It was fun, and I enjoyed it greatly. I just really wish I would be able to apply that same magnifying glass to myself so I could see what I’m doing and improve.
Regardless of my performance, I’ve found that a dose of humor does a lot to make sparring easier. Thanking my instructor for the concussion(s), and joking that I need a CT scan is much easier than looking at your sweaty self in the mirror and saying, "Boy, I really sucked tonight."
Back to work.
An Inspiration to All (Or Not)
Apparently I’m inspiring. Readers used to tell me this back when I first started this blog, based on my trying Mat’s killer workout. But now it seems it’s for my words. When I wrote about how I started my journey in the martial arts, readers responded by emailing me and commenting away. It’s funny because whatever inspiration I’ve been to others, I’ve always sort of felt its the other way around. When I’m in one of my karate depressions, it’s my readers who lift me up and push me to keep going and improve. It’s been very enjoyable and rejuvenating when I’ve needed it most.
Now the inspiration has gone to a whole new level in the form of this:
If you can’t read the writing, you can click on the shirt and go to the site for more details. A very nice person emailed me and told me that my post about why I started karate inspired her to make this t-shirt. It says, "Karate: it comes from within." It doesn’t just come in blue. My words have got an entire line y’all. Oh yeah. Today, my complimentary t-shirt came in the mail, along with a cool pin for my karate bag that Big I has got her eye on.
The woman who designed the shirt and thanked me for my inspiration has two sons who are involved in the martial arts and she started her own martial arts t-shirt and other products store.
Now if I can just get her to make me a "Black Belt Mama" shirt so that I can outfit you, all of my inspirational "fans". I’m sure that will quickly be followed by Dooce-like fame, followed by a sitcom (or a drama depending upon my mood), which will be followed by a book and then a taken-from-the-book blockbuster movie.
It starts with a t-shirt; I’m going to be a star. . .
Of course, counter this with the fact that I now know why every black belt says that once you become Shodan you can only then finally start learning karate. You become a beginner at Shodan because all the stuff that comes after is a nightmare. The 11 open hand kata’s and eight weapons kata’s I have to learn to test for Shodan are mere warm-ups. I have seen the great beyond and it is not pretty, or easy.
I consider myself to be a fairly fast learner. I can usually follow along with a kata without much of a problem. But tonight, as we ran through open hand kata’s that I can’t even pronounce I actually stopped mid-stream and declared that I was giving up and would just watch.
In order for me to complete the kata, I would have needed a black belt in front of me, behind me, to the left and to the right, preferably with mirrors on all four sides as well. There was just so much turning and so many angles and all these crazy punches and hand movements and blech. I was just horrible. I couldn’t even follow along.
Sometimes you leave the dojo feeling fabulous about how you’ve done; and other times, like tonight, you come home and take a look at that t-shirt you just got in the mail, and wonder why the karate didn’t come from within tonight.
Easter with a Legend
I met Dave "The Hammer" Shultz on Sunday. He was a big star for the Philadelphia Flyers before I was born. According to my dad, he was the guy you didn’t want to mess with. He beat up EVERYBODY. He happened to be at the Flyers game on Sunday.
Last week, when a friend offered us his club box tickets for the final Flyer’s game of the season, we didn’t think we’d be able to go. It was on Easter Sunday after all. But with four free tickets in a prime location, how could we not? My Dad is a HUGE Flyers fan and has been for many years. So, the family decided we’d have our Easter get-together on Saturday.
Sunday, my Mom, Dad, Mr. BBM and I went to the game while the girls hung out with my sister and her boyfriend.
Me and Mr. BBM from our awesome seats (Thank you MIKE!).
My parents, Mr. BBM and I used to have a blast together before the kids came along. When I was in my final year of college, I got a 4.0 and my parents were ecstatic. So, on a visit home, we popped a couple bottles of champagne, played Scrabble, and got "stoned." That’s what my Mom said she was after having some champagne. She obviously had her adjectives a bit messed up because getting "stoned" was not at all a part of that equation. Every time she has a drink to this day, we always ask her if she’s getting "stoned."
Today was like old times. In the front row of the club box seats at center ice, we felt like royalty. My Mom and I drank Yuengling’s and chanted for the Flyers like we were teenagers (that’s my Mom with the big ole beer). We I even heckled the Sabres fans sitting in front of us a bit.
As we entered the arena today, my Dad grabbed my arm and yelled, "Look! It’s Dave Shultz!". I know Dave Brown, another brute in his time. Shultz I do not know other than having a familiarity with his name. After my Dad filled me in on who he was and what he did, I remembered all the old stories my Dad told me about him. Let’s face it; hockey fans like hockey for more than just the stick work and goals. Every die hard hockey fan likes to see a good fight, and "The Hammer" did not disappoint back in his day.
During the first intermission, my family and I took a walk to see if we could find Dave Shultz and get a picture. We found him, got a picture taken with him, and he signed my Flyers jersey too. My Dad joked that he was going to tell Dave that he could kick his butt as we were walking up to him. After the picture, I told Dave Shultz what my Dad said. I have never heard my Dad object so quickly and so loudly. "No! No!" he yelled. Dave laughed and said, "He probably could. You know I’m a senior citizen now!" We all laughed.
That’s Dave Shultz in the middle, and my Dad (who just got a clean bill of health after his final CT scan). You can’t even tell the man had a craniotomy only months ago!
Today was probably one of the best Easter Sunday’s ever. And did I mention that the Flyers won? Even better.
Upon returning home, we saw this scene:
That’s Lil C with Mr. Better-Propose-Already-What-Are-You-Waiting-For-Oh-My-God!
Lil C was completely sacked out, which is probably what those Sabres fans in front of me were if they didn’t take my advice and stuff their Sabres sign in their jacket on the way out as I strongly advised them to do.
Musical Therapy
I saw this over at Karl’s place and thought it looked like fun. I realize you’re probably all sick of my "I suck at karate" posts so I thought I’d change it up. Plus, it’s about music, and music is therapy so why not?
Of all the bands and artists in your collection, of which one do you own the most albums?
Dave Matthews Band or Prince, followed closely by Beyonce/Destiny’s Child (I know, I’m a freak.)
What was the last song you listened to?
Something on the Chris Daughtry CD (or maybe Nelly Furtado)
What are your favorite instruments?
Love the sax (played it for many, many years), love the drums, and the guitar is pretty cool too although I could never figure out to play the way my Dad did, without any training at all.
Who’s your favorite local artist/band?
Does Rusted Root count? They were my favorite local band in the ‘burgh, as was Brownie Mary.
What was the last show you attended?
Prince.
What was the greatest show you’ve ever been to?
Prince, both of his last two tours. They were incredible shows. Oh, and I have to mention Pink Floyd. That was an amazing show as well.
What’s the worst band you’ve ever seen in concert?
Gin Blossoms, because I took my sister to be nice despite the fact that I was not a fan, and there were no hot guys there at ALL to distract me from the music.
What band do you love musically but hate the members of?
I’ve got nothing here. If I don’t like the members, I usually don’t listen to the music.
What is the most musically involved you have ever been?
I started playing the saxophone in 4th grade. In junior high I played in marching, concert, and jazz band (winning a solo award at a prestigious jazz competition). In high school, I played in concert and jazz band. But sadly, I haven’t played since. I also had a very short stint in chorus; now I mostly contain my singing to the shower and the car.
What show are you looking forward to?
I would LOVE to see The Police and really hope I can get tickets.
What is your favorite band shirt?
Does my Vanilla Ice shirt that I used as a nightshirt count?
What musician would you like to hang out with for a day?
Gwen Stefani, so I could find out all her beauty secrets.
What musician would you like to be in love with you for a day?
Ooh, easy. Chris Daughtry. I love his voice and he’s a hottie. Or maybe Justin Timberlake. I’d love to dance with him just once.
What was your last musical "phase" before you wised up?
I was all about the rap crap for a while.
Sabbath or solo Ozzy?
Huh?
Did you know that filling out this meme makes you a music geek?
Whatevah.
What was the greatest decade for music?
80’s without a doubt. Bring on the Madonna, Cyndi Lauper, Curious George. . . Oops, I mean Boy George (almost went into Mommy mode there).
What is your favorite movie soundtrack?
Top Gun, but only because I think it’s the only one I’ve ever owned.
Who is your favorite artist who is much better live than on a recording?
I have no answer for this. Over the years I have seen in concert: Vanilla Ice, Gin Blossoms, Counting Crows, Justin Timberlake (with Christina Aguilera and Black Eyed Peas), Pink Floyd, Prince (multiple times), Rusted Root, Dave Matthews Band (multiple times). . .I guess I’ll say Prince because he makes the show so much fun, but not because he doesn’t sound good on recordings. He’s awesome any way you slice it.
Do you have a hidden desire to be a popular musician?
All I will say is that when in 5th grade, my friends and I had a "group" called the "Dudettes." We used our Shanghai Surprise Happy Meal chopsticks as drumsticks on plastic pretzel bins and my sister’s toy microphone. We were gonna be stars. . .
Have you ever used drugs to enhance the music experience?
Does ibuprofen count?
What was the last song you heard that gave you a chill?
Don’t laugh, but when Blake of American Idol did that Keane song back in the beginning of the season? Chills. Loved that. Before that, when Prince performed an acoustic "Little Red Corvette" at his last concert.
Where would you be without music?
Without my dance moves, which means without many of life’s greatest moments.
I won’t tag. Play if you like.
And Happy Easter!
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