May 1, 2007

Flat Abs Guaranteed

I don’t know why I’ve wasted my time with Pilates or sit-ups, crunches or ab machines. I’ve found the perfect way to tone and tighten abs without doing any exercising at all. . .

Bronchitis.

I’m telling you, my stomach muscles have never been tighter than they are right now. This wicked cough I have is totally paying off. Sure, I have to deal with the hacking discomfort every time I cough; and yes, it certainly is unpleasant when those coughs become productive. But my abs I tell you, they are stellar right now. They are so stellar in fact, that I have decided to go out on a limb and order this. . .

. . . without trying it on first. (Yeah, I know. If the abs are that great then why am I not going out on a limb and getting a bikini? I’ll tell you why. Bronchitis may tighten and tone, but bronchitis wants nothing to do with helping on the stretch mark front.) See that little one inch span of stomach there? I can handle that, and if I’m having a bad day I’ll wrap my obi (karate belt) around my waist and say I’m wearing my summer gi.

I don’t know what it is about the Victoria Secret swimsuit catalog, but it brings out the gambler in me. I know that I can walk in any department store and try on 40 swim suits without finding one that I like. Yet, I am completely confident that even without appropriate sizing information, I am going to order this one and be happy. Maybe it’s the lack of dressing room lighting and the comfort of home; but tonight’s the night. I am ordering that swimsuit.

Plus, I figure once I hack up these lungs I’ll have a bunch more room in there and maybe things will flatten out even further. See, there’s a silver lining to even the darkest of clouds.

Bronchitis = flat abs. Who knew? Now if I could just figure out a way to get that nasty cough to work on my thighs. . . hmm. . .

And for all my karate readers, I’ll have something to say about karate again, just as soon as I can get my sick butt back to class. Since I’m sick and you’re all feeling appropriately bad for me, scroll down the previous post, vote for me, and email Barbara. Pretty please???

Posted by Black Belt Mama on May 1, 2007 in Lessons I've Learned | 9 Comments

April 27, 2007

The View: Hire ME!

New and improved edited version. . .

While watching The View this week, I almost broke out in a spontaneous rendition of "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead" from The Wizard of Oz. Have you heard? Rosie O’Donnell is leaving the show! I used to like Rosie back in her early stand-up days when she had a big spiral perm and a personality that didn’t grate on my nerves like fingernails on a chalkboard. These days, she’s just obnoxious, mostly because she gets all her political garble from the websites where all the crazies go.

But I digress. The real reason I’m writing is because I should replace her as the new co-host. Here’s why:

1. Blog a Day: Instead of daily reviews of musicals, I could present a blog a day worth visiting. Let’s face it, bloggers are popping up everywhere these days. Can you imagine what an impact a mention on The View would have on your site meter? Wait, don’t go email Barbara yet about why they should hire me. There’s more. . .

2. Public Safety: I could present a weekly self-defense lesson to the audience. I could have Joy Behar or a guest celebrity attack me and I could take them down, complete with comedic timing. Why not give the viewers something that’s actually useful in daily life? Entertainment can also serve to keep you safe. I think it would be an awesome segment to add. AND, instead of hashing out issues over the coffee table, we could set up a View sparring ring for when two people just can’t agree. "Take it to the mats ladies!"

3. Politics: Politically, I probably tend to side more with Elisabeth Hasselbeck and it would be refreshing for her to not be so ridiculously outnumbered when it comes to her political views. Plus, let’s face it, Elisabeth could use some help from someone who goes by the pseudonym of "Black Belt Mama." She’s been getting verbally beat up on that show for months now and it’s time to call in for some reinforcements. The reinforcement is me.

4. Likeability: Let’s face it. I’m likeable. I possess a witty sense of humor, have a glowing personality, and I’m an easy person to get along with (for the most part). Shouldn’t The View have someone that can get along with other people? Wouldn’t it be refreshing to see a new face instead of another recycled TV personality? Wouldn’t it be great if that face was mine? Look how I fit in! (O.k. I know, you’ll have to ignore Star. Just imagine Oprah’s friend Gayle there instead, since the rumor is that she’ll be getting a call soon.)

5. Dream: Growing up, I always thought I would be famous someday. I wanted to be a celebrity in the worst way, and I always thought that I’d do a great job as a talk show host. It’s more likely now that my claim to fame will be as a sidekick to Jackie Chan or something, but couldn’t I do both? I mean, why not?

6. Wardrobe: They won’t need to spend time or money outfitting me. I can just wear my gi.

See how they’re all laughing. They LOVE me!

If you’d like to help my cause, then I encourage you to go here and email Barbara or email her directly at barbara.walters@abc.com. Let her know that Black Belt Mama is ready for the job!

Now I just need someone to make a "Black Belt Mama for next View Co-host" button that every one of my awesome readers can post on their sidebars. We can start a phenomenon I tell you! I’d ask Mr. BBM, but considering he spent about five hours working on these two pictures, I think I’m out of luck.

What are you waiting for? Go email Barbara!!!

P.S. Do I have the best readers or what? I asked and my friend at the Martial Arts Pagoda delivered! Thank you so much for the fabulous button! If you’d like to add it to your blog and start the phenomenon, the html is as follows:

Thanks to John at Martial Views for being the first taker on adding the button! You’re awesome John! Thanks to Scott at Forging Ironman too! Thanks to my parents, Ron, Kim, Mr. BBM, Moira, and all the other readers who have emailed Barbara so far. Your emails have been so thoughtful and have also cracked me up.

P.P.S. I wasn’t even going to bring it up, but if the mood moves you go here and vote for me for best hobby blog. I’m currently getting my derriere roundhouse kicked by someone named crazy aunt purl, and well, my ego just can’t take it.

P.P.P.S. You might want to type in your url and see if you’re nominated, because I nominated a whole bunch of you, right up until Lil C started wiping her nose on me and I had to take a break.

P.P.P.P.S. If you’d like to email Barbara, but don’t know what to say, you can copy and paste this letter. . . short, sweet, and right to the point.

Dear Ms. Walters,

I’d like to bring to your attention someone ideal for the co-host position on The View. Please consider interviewing Black Belt Mama (http://www.blackbeltmama.com). She would do a kick butt job!

Sincerely,

Insert Name Here

Posted by Black Belt Mama on April 27, 2007 in Just for Fun | 21 Comments

April 24, 2007

A Certainty of Parenthood

If there is one thing you can count on as a parent, it’s this: When you plan to get your child/ren’s pictures taken, they will inevitably take a header on the sidewalk and end up with a brush burn on the forehead and a bruise on the nose.

I had Lil C outside for hours yesterday. She flicked dirt into her eyes a couple times while "helping" me plant "flowfers". She fell down on her knees a couple times and did some minor damage to the backs of her little legs as she was doing the sit, scoot, boom down concrete stairs because she was in too much of a hurry to wait for me to take off my dirty gardening gloves. Over all, the damage was relatively minor.

But Mr. BBM takes the child outside for all of five minutes tonight and the screaming erupts. I don’t know. I think Mom’s must have this built-in ability to sense when their child is about to fall. She fell many times yesterday, but beside a few bumps on the knee, it was nothing that was going to deter me from having her pictures taken. Tonight’s injury is a whole different ball game, so her 18 month pictures are quickly becoming her 19 month pictures. Either that or I just accept that I have a bruiser for a child and just go through with it anyway with a pink bow in her hair and a welt on the head to match.

Edited to add: Two days later, this is where we’re at with these boo-boo’s. . .

I think my only hope of getting her pictures taken before summer is to put her in a hockey jersey. Now if Big I could just lose a tooth. . . that would be a picture.

Posted by Black Belt Mama on April 24, 2007 in Mental Strain for Mama | 10 Comments

April 24, 2007

No Karate=Momzilla

I can not ever miss an entire week of karate again. I become a Momzilla when I don’t get my fill of punches, kicks and kata. I went to karate tonight after a week hiatus; and I feel like a new woman.

My instructor looked at most of my open hand kata’s tonight. After she found so many things to fix in Nai Hanchi Shodan, I was worried. My worry was unnecessary, because some kata’s got a nod of approval without needing to change a thing. I have my problem kata’s and I have some things to work on, but I feel like I’m in pretty good shape at this point. I haven’t felt like that in a long time.

I need to learn my last two kata’s (Seisan and Nakamura No Sai), and then I will know most of what I need to for black belt testing.

Of course, don’t ask me about bunkai (application). That’s an entirely different story.

And since I mentioned it, an entirely different story. . .

I took Big I to a birthday party this weekend. I ended up hanging out with some of the other Mom’s while the kids were off doing what kids do at birthday parties. One Mom was telling me that her daughter is unable to have play dates during the week because she doesn’t get home until 3:30 in the afternoon. Most of Big I’s classmates are in full day Kindergarten. Big I is half day, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. So, I casually agreed with this Mom that full day is a long day and that it would be next to impossible to have any play dates during the week. I said that it hadn’t even occurred to me that full day kids couldn’t really have play dates, because Big I is half day. It was a friendly, casual conversation.

This is when another Mom, who wasn’t part of the original conversation started blurting out things like, "My daughter was ready for full day" and "She likes being in school all day long" and "When she’s at home she tells me how bored she is" and "She likes to be able to spend all day with her friends because they get more time to play" and "Even when it’s the weekend my daughter tells me that she wishes she was in school."

What she really meant was, "I chose full day Kindergarten and full day Kindergarten is THE BEST!"

What I want to known is why these Mom’s feel it’s necessary to do that. I think half day Kindergarten is the way to go, but do I tell the full day Mom’s that my decision is the best and only decision to make and that they’re wrong? No. It’s an individual choice. Some mothers have to work all day long or choose to do so. I am fortunate enough to be able to stay at home with my kids. I have not once ever made a comment to any of the other Mom’s about half day being better. Yet every time I am around many of the full day Mom’s, they do this to me. It’s almost like they feel that it’s their duty to let me know that by not sending my child to full day Kindergarten, I’m basically neglecting her.

As this Mom was on her manic tirade of "full day is the BEST" crap, I felt like interrupting her and saying "I’m so glad you don’t have any guilt about sending your kid off for the entire day, because Man, I totally would." I should have said it and walked away to let her put that in her pipe and smoke it. I just don’t understand why they feel they have to justify their decision constantly if they truly think that full day is the best way. They’re not going to convince me I chose the wrong option for my child.

Last week, Big I had a play date with another half day kid and she had a blast. While she was playing games, making cupcakes and playing dress-up, the full day kids were in school doing what they always do.

I know I made the right decision for our family. Why can’t the other Mom’s feel confident enough in their decisions to just leave me alone with mine?

Maybe if I had my normal dose of karate last week, those comments wouldn’t have irritated me so much. Then again, comments like that tend to turn me into an instant Momzilla anyway. I doubt it would have had any impact.

Posted by Black Belt Mama on April 24, 2007 in Mental Strain for Mama, Tales from the dojo | 11 Comments

April 20, 2007

A Terrific Night for T-ball

Big I had her first t-ball game tonight. Due to the recent weather, her team had about four practices total before their first game. I’m guessing that the last practice was heavy on the base running because tonight, only one kid decided second base was completely unnecessary and skipped on to third. Yes, literally skipped as in "We’re off to see the Wizard".

Despite all my worries about Big I’s sometimes complete and utter lack of paying attention, she managed to get through the three innings completely unscathed. In fact, despite playing in a soggy mess of a field, she didn’t even really get dirty except for the cleat print one kid put on the top of her shoe when all the kids were swarming for the ball. And yes, I mean swarming like a bunch of pre-menstrual women to a vat of chocolate. Have you ever seen a bunch of 5 and 6-year olds play t-ball? I’m not exaggerating in the slightest.

There were some close calls, like when one of our players threw the ball and nailed a little girl from the other team on her batting helmet while innocently hanging out on second base. Another player pelted another little girl in the calf with the ball trying to "tag" her out.

There were other really funny moments like when our third basemen decided it was imperative that he ask his dad if he could use the computer when he got home, as the other team’s batter was swinging. Another one of the kids from the other team tried to hit the ball in the direction of the catcher, much to the surprise of the batting coach who narrowly missed having the family jewels permanently rearranged. And almost every single time a ground ball was hit to the infield, a swarm of kids would go after that ball. Inevitably there would be a pile-up in the mud of at least three little boys, as the girls decided it just wasn’t worth it and promptly went back to their positions without a drop of mud anywhere on them.

Big I was the very first batter tonight, and she hit a ground ball out past the pitcher and made it onto first base without a problem. She was also the first run to score, because all the kids stay on base and run the bases one at a time until every kid has batted once each inning. After all, t-ball is all rainbows, bubbles, and fairies people. The last batter gets to pretend they hit a home run, and all the kids run home. Sometimes they pass each other. We haven’t gotten that far on the base running yet.

While I understand that the ego’s of children are fragile and all that good stuff, I was not prepared for the complete lack of competition. Everyone bats, everyone plays every position. When you’re "out" you’re not really out. We don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings do we? Of course we do! I don’t know; I guess I’m of the opinion that it should be fun, but they should still learn how to play the game. Baseball or softball will be a rude awakening for these kids if they’re never thrown out at first base.

My opinion aside, it was obvious that Big I was a hit. The coach put her in at the pitcher’s position in the second inning and she chased down almost every ground ball and promptly threw the ball to the appropriate base, without taking a mud bath in the process and without hesitation.