April 27, 2007

The View: Hire ME!

New and improved edited version. . .

While watching The View this week, I almost broke out in a spontaneous rendition of "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead" from The Wizard of Oz. Have you heard? Rosie O’Donnell is leaving the show! I used to like Rosie back in her early stand-up days when she had a big spiral perm and a personality that didn’t grate on my nerves like fingernails on a chalkboard. These days, she’s just obnoxious, mostly because she gets all her political garble from the websites where all the crazies go.

But I digress. The real reason I’m writing is because I should replace her as the new co-host. Here’s why:

1. Blog a Day: Instead of daily reviews of musicals, I could present a blog a day worth visiting. Let’s face it, bloggers are popping up everywhere these days. Can you imagine what an impact a mention on The View would have on your site meter? Wait, don’t go email Barbara yet about why they should hire me. There’s more. . .

2. Public Safety: I could present a weekly self-defense lesson to the audience. I could have Joy Behar or a guest celebrity attack me and I could take them down, complete with comedic timing. Why not give the viewers something that’s actually useful in daily life? Entertainment can also serve to keep you safe. I think it would be an awesome segment to add. AND, instead of hashing out issues over the coffee table, we could set up a View sparring ring for when two people just can’t agree. "Take it to the mats ladies!"

3. Politics: Politically, I probably tend to side more with Elisabeth Hasselbeck and it would be refreshing for her to not be so ridiculously outnumbered when it comes to her political views. Plus, let’s face it, Elisabeth could use some help from someone who goes by the pseudonym of "Black Belt Mama." She’s been getting verbally beat up on that show for months now and it’s time to call in for some reinforcements. The reinforcement is me.

4. Likeability: Let’s face it. I’m likeable. I possess a witty sense of humor, have a glowing personality, and I’m an easy person to get along with (for the most part). Shouldn’t The View have someone that can get along with other people? Wouldn’t it be refreshing to see a new face instead of another recycled TV personality? Wouldn’t it be great if that face was mine? Look how I fit in! (O.k. I know, you’ll have to ignore Star. Just imagine Oprah’s friend Gayle there instead, since the rumor is that she’ll be getting a call soon.)

5. Dream: Growing up, I always thought I would be famous someday. I wanted to be a celebrity in the worst way, and I always thought that I’d do a great job as a talk show host. It’s more likely now that my claim to fame will be as a sidekick to Jackie Chan or something, but couldn’t I do both? I mean, why not?

6. Wardrobe: They won’t need to spend time or money outfitting me. I can just wear my gi.

See how they’re all laughing. They LOVE me!

If you’d like to help my cause, then I encourage you to go here and email Barbara or email her directly at barbara.walters@abc.com. Let her know that Black Belt Mama is ready for the job!

Now I just need someone to make a "Black Belt Mama for next View Co-host" button that every one of my awesome readers can post on their sidebars. We can start a phenomenon I tell you! I’d ask Mr. BBM, but considering he spent about five hours working on these two pictures, I think I’m out of luck.

What are you waiting for? Go email Barbara!!!

P.S. Do I have the best readers or what? I asked and my friend at the Martial Arts Pagoda delivered! Thank you so much for the fabulous button! If you’d like to add it to your blog and start the phenomenon, the html is as follows:

Thanks to John at Martial Views for being the first taker on adding the button! You’re awesome John! Thanks to Scott at Forging Ironman too! Thanks to my parents, Ron, Kim, Mr. BBM, Moira, and all the other readers who have emailed Barbara so far. Your emails have been so thoughtful and have also cracked me up.

P.P.S. I wasn’t even going to bring it up, but if the mood moves you go here and vote for me for best hobby blog. I’m currently getting my derriere roundhouse kicked by someone named crazy aunt purl, and well, my ego just can’t take it.

P.P.P.S. You might want to type in your url and see if you’re nominated, because I nominated a whole bunch of you, right up until Lil C started wiping her nose on me and I had to take a break.

P.P.P.P.S. If you’d like to email Barbara, but don’t know what to say, you can copy and paste this letter. . . short, sweet, and right to the point.

Dear Ms. Walters,

I’d like to bring to your attention someone ideal for the co-host position on The View. Please consider interviewing Black Belt Mama (http://www.blackbeltmama.com). She would do a kick butt job!

Sincerely,

Insert Name Here