August 8, 2007
Top Secret Draft Strategy
It’s that time of year again, when ordinary people start watching the pre-season football games with a notepad, hoping for divine intervention and direction during the two minutes the starters are playing. This year, I’m playing in two fantasy football leagues. I’m the league manager for a blogger league, featuring some of the most talented bloggers in the biz like Papa Bradstein, Jenn Maniacal, Goon Squad Sarah, Da Mack Daddy, Tenitems August, Marcus Aurelius (who is actually more of my sidekick helping to make the comments section rock-where is your blog anyway?), a myspacer (who I’m going to convert I tell you-convert, convert, convert!) and yours truly. It should be a lot of fun.
I’m also playing in another league with some friends and family and I’m looking forward to that as well. Because it’s that time of year, it’s also time to release my top secret fantasy football draft strategy, which has a few updates from last year. Anyone playing in a league with me this year should definitely exit now.
Are they gone yet?
Good. Here goes. . .
BBM’s Top Secret Fantasy Football Draft Strategy
Round 1- Draft a kicker on a bad team. If they can’t score touch downs, they’ll be scoring field goals instead.
Round 2- Draft a back-up kicker. Your first pick is going to have a bye at some point right?
Round 3- Draft a defense. You know those top five ranked defenses? Yeah, I read some stuff. They’re all SO overrated. We want to choose someone at the bottom of that list. Then we can brag about it when our underrated defense comes through. Sleepers are key.
Round 4- Draft a back-up defense. Choose a team that has a beat-up D. The teams are just lying about the injuries anyway to throw good people like us off.
Round 5- Now is the time to take a tight end. We don’t want one of the top ranked ones though. They get the ball all the time, which means they’re likely to be hit more and therefore injured.
Round 6- Just in case, get a back-up TE.
Round 7- We’re totally waiting to draft a wide receiver until now. If there’s a decent D left though, we might pick up a third. Ditto on kickers and tight ends too.
Round 8- Now it’s time to look at running backs. You certainly don’t want to do this before Round 8. They’ll be plenty of good ones left at this point. Jerome Bettis is still playing, right?
Round 9- I’m thinking it’s QB time. Michael Vick is looking good people. Really good. Indicted, likely to be convicted? Eh, he’s still a very worthy fantasy pick.
Round 10- Back-up QB. Who needs one? Vick will be playing every game for sure. All that hype about him not being able to attend training camp is just to throw fantasy footballers off. It’s better to get another kicker now, just to be safe.
Round 11- Maybe another kicker now? I mean, you can never have too many kickers.
Round 12- WR, because all the good ones will still be left.
Round 13- RB, there are a lot of good ones hanging out at the end of the rankings. I can’t wait to get my hands on "No-Name Two-Left-Feet". He’s going to be all the rage this year.
Round 14- WR time again. Who says 2 yards isn’t a good reception? Pshaw, not me!
Round 15- RB, because you have to have two starters. RB’s are a dime a dozen. No worries with this draft choice. . .
So, what do you think? Will it work?
Any teams playing with me this year can leave now. I know you’re reading this! This post is finished. See you at the draft. Don’t mess me up or try to steal my strategy, or you’re going DOWN!
Psst, hey you. . . yeah you, the one reading this. . . the person NOT playing in my fantasy leagues this year. . . do you think this will work on the newbies in the league? (Rubbing hands together with evil laugh).
August 4, 2007
Escrima Training Required
I’m not dead. I didn’t forget how to write. It’s just been an absolutely crazy week. It’s good I watched the Human Weapon episode about escrima (stick fighting), because I needed those skills in order to fight off an aggressive picture sales person this week.
My church puts together a picture directory every ten years or so, maybe longer, because the last one I was featured in shows a BBM with one serious spiral perm. Anyway, we got our pictures taken and then suffered through the gradual wearing down of the blockade protecting our funds.
You go, get your pictures taken, and then you choose your family picture for the directory. You get a free 8 x 10 of your chosen family portrait, and then they use their picture software to show you how you can have a billboard of pictures put into one of their beautiful truck-sized frames in case you have that kind of space on your wall. There was no talk of costs. I hate when people aren’t up front about things like that.
We politely sat and watched her maneuver the pictures around into various displays that became smaller and smaller as we eliminated unnatural looking picture after unnatural looking picture. Despite the fact that my neck is getting better, I looked wooden in several of the shots after being told to look to the left, tilt to the right, rotate the chin. I started feeling like I should have brought my chiropractor along with me. We ended up with about three that we liked, all of the girls. Big surprise there.
Despite the fact that I told them my Mom has her own framing business, they continued to try to sell us on the frames. I tried to stay nice about it. We were in my church after all, but eventually it came down a very frustrated this:
"How much do individual prints cost?"
She looked disappointed, picked up a binder, and started secretly looking through it. That kind of behavior bothers me deeply.
Mr. BBM and I both grew impatient as she showed us package after ridiculously priced package that included hideous frames, after I explicitly told her we were not interested in buying any frames.
"Yeah, that’s not going to work," I told her. We finally got her to open up the secret book of prices when she realized she was getting NO WHERE with us. We ended up with three pictures and a couple wallets of the kids.
We said no to the shot of Mr. BBM and I alone. The photographer had us so tangled up with our legs and arms that we began to feel like pretzels gone wrong. I also had a mad hatter’s grin on my face as the photographer had just told us to say "more KIDS" in place of the standard "cheese." I cracked up laughing at that insane thought because right now, I’m in kids up to my eyebrows. We’re holding off on adding any more to the mix for at least the foreseeable future and maybe eternity.
Once we had the kids loaded into the car, Mr. BBM said to me outside the car, "You know, I usually like to have dinner and wine before I get. . ."
I’ll let you fill in the blank.
July 31, 2007
The Ultimate Snub from “The View”
I don’t even know where to begin. I woke up this morning with a positive outlook on life, and then I saw it. Have you seen it? Can you believe the news this morning? Is it really possible?
The headline reads, "Goldberg, Shepherd to Join ‘The View’"
Huh?
What?
Are you kidding me?
I don’t know what I’m more upset about: the fact that I haven’t been chosen, or the fact that I wasn’t even considered along with Mario Cantone, Kathy Griffith, and Roseanne Barr. I mean they’re great and all, but we’re talking about BLACK BELT MAMA here. To not even get a nod of consideration is just plain insulting.
I’m thinking that maybe the other major networks scared them off, and that I’ll be approached soon about having my own show. Or maybe the idea of facing off against a brown belt karate-ka was just too scary for the remaining co-hosts. Joy Behar may have been just plain scared. I don’t doubt that.
Regardless, the outcome is certainly not a good one. Although I’m sure Goldberg and Shepherd will do well enough, both of them were expected. Black Belt Mama would be unexpected and would probably boost their ratings ten-fold. But apparently I’m not part of the recycled celebrities list so there was never any hope, not even with all of your help.
Readers wrote Barbara Walters emails and posted my button on their site in support, and I can’t thank you enough. It was a fun ride while it lasted.
Of course, maybe they just want to save me for when Elisabeth goes on maternity leave in the fall. I won’t totally snub their calls if they decide to give me a shot. But wearing the gi on screen in non-negotiable, I tell you!!! NON-NEGOTIABLE!
And I’m going to need a personal masseuse in my dressing room. . .
And a heavy bag for when Joy gets on my nerves. . .
July 28, 2007
Distractions, Differences and PINK
I’ve been keeping myself very busy this week. Busy means I don’t have time to feel sorry for myself and think about the pain.
I took Big I school shopping. I bought the girls extremely pink shoes. Correction. I bought one pair of sensible school shoes for Big I and one pair of very pink sneakers for Lil C. (My Mom bought the second pair of very pink shoes for Big I. I can not claim responsibility for any blinding that at least the one pair of shoes may cause.)
When Big I was this age (approaching two), it was an all out struggle to take her shoe shopping. She screamed bloody murder when the shoe lady tried to measure her feet. She refused to allow anyone to touch her ankle to facilitate putting a shoe on her foot. She kicked her feet rapid fire if she didn’t like the shoe that was put on her foot (and even rebelled strongly against some she did like). It was a complete and total nightmare. I always left the shoe store in a sweat with a headache.
When I asked Lil C if she wanted to get new shoes, she stood up, smiled, reached up for me and said "Hold her. Yes." I took her sandals off in the store and the lady measured her foot while she stood there like an angel grinning ear to ear. Then it was time to decide on the shoes.
While I gravitated towards the sensible white sneakers and the little black mary jane’s, Lil C had something else on her mind: "PANK!" (Pink for those of you who don’t know toddlerease.) And when I ignored the first request for the practically fluorescent pink shoes, "PANK ON NOW!" she told me.
The lady brought out the black mary jane’s and put them on her first. I oohed and aahed about the pretty bow on the shoes and how cute she looked.
"Shoe Off" she said. "Pank on."
So the pink went on. She sat there smiling as the lady tied her shoelaces. She wiggled her little feet and giggled before she said, "Pitty (Pretty). Cool. Pank." She got down off the seat and ran around the store in absolute heaven.
"Well, she does have a lot of pink clothing," I said to my Mom. "And she can wear white, denim. . . and oh well. If she likes them." I asked Lil C if she wanted to get them.
"Get them," she said with a huge grin "O.K." she exclaimed as she nodded her head "yes." I made her day and she made me spend the rest of mine moving all her pink clothing to the top of the dresser drawers. Since we brought those very bright sneakers home a few days ago, Lil C has insisted on wearing them from the moment she wakes up until she goes to bed. She has even napped in them. I can relate to liking my shoes too, but she’s got a love affair with those pink shoes that’s going to be nothing short of heartbreaking when she can’t fit in them anymore. I’m dreading that day already.
One day I’m not dreading is the day I can get back in my gi. I watched karate class this week. Watched. Take a moment here to feel the emphasis of that word: watched.
Big I went out on the floor and did her thing and I sat there. It almost drove me insane as the class went through all of the waza’s as I sat there just taking it all in. Watching is great if you’re a spectator or a cheerleader. I am neither of those things. When it comes to learning, I learn best by doing. Since doing is not an option right now, it was definitely a sad challenge to sit there and not participate. I spent most of the class observing Big I since during class I’m usually concentrating on myself. That part was nice, but it’s just not the same as being out on the floor. Enough on that topic unless you want Depressed BBM back. I’m guessing not, so moving right along. . .
I spent the afternoon today taking Lil C to her first movie. The girls, my Mom and I saw Ratatouille and it was really cute. Lil C was in absolute awe of the big screen and the "mouse." It didn’t matter how many times I whispered to her that it was a "rat." In the shots where the rats looked small they were "mice" and in the shots where the rats took up most of the screen, they were then "cats."
I didn’t know how she would behave. When I took Big I to see Finding Nemo around this age, she spent the last 20 minutes of the movie pretending she was an airplane landing on the narrow strip that was the side aisle. It was a bit distracting.
Lil C sat on my lap the entire time, occasionally eating a piece of popcorn or candy, but mostly just taking it all in and enjoying it immensely. It was a nice afternoon out with the girls.
And now, what you’re all waiting for. . . Neck Watch July 2007. I had my appointment with the massage therapist late this afternoon. When it hurt, I told her it did. She said that she had to really go at the messed up shoulder area because there are adhesions there that need to pretty much be attacked so they go away. Those are not her exact words. I was too busy flinching and trying not to scream to get the exact words. She told me I’ll hate her tomorrow but love her next week. We’ll have to just see about that.
Most of the massage time was great. She really worked on my neck and shoulders and upper back and my range of motion right now is so much better than it was prior. I know I’ll probably wake up tomorrow all locked up again, but for right now, I am pleased with the result. I have another appointment with her and the chiropractor next week.
Today marks one week from the initial injury. I’m hoping I only have to watch class for another two weeks. Only time will tell. In the meantime, I picked up a copy of "Karate-Do My Way of Life" by Gichin Funakoshi and am enjoying it so far. If you have any other suggestions for reading materials while I convalesce, I’m open to suggestions.
Just please don’t recommend a book that has a pink cover. My eyes (and the rest of my body for that matter) have suffered enough strain this week.
July 23, 2007
Prognosis
I got up this morning and called the physical therapy place recommended by the doctor I saw Saturday. They were super unorganized and couldn’t offer me an appointment until next Monday at the earliest. No thank you.
So, I called a chiropractor that I heard good things about and saw him tonight. He did some gentle adjustments to my neck and upper back. Then I had ultrasound therapy and stims. I’m going back tomorrow for more of the same and then at the end of the week I’m seeing the massage therapist.
I’m hoping that this massage therapist will be nice and gentle. A few years ago I hurt my back doing a combination of elliptical training and beach volleyball. I saw a chiropractor in New Jersey who had a massage therapist on staff. She was a Russian woman and after the first massage with her, I always got worried when the chiropractor would tell me to go in and see her again. She used to dig her elbows into my back saying "You’re so tight" over and over again. It was agony and literally brought tears to my eyes. I’m hoping this massage therapist won’t be so painful.
I asked the chiropractor how long I’m going to be out of commission regarding karate. He told me it will be a minimum of three weeks if I do everything he tells me to do. A more realistic estimate is about six to eight weeks. He said my muscles and ligaments are all ripped up and that any little jolt can rip things up worse. So I’m relegated to the sidelines for a while.
I figure at the latest, I’ll be back to karate by the end of September. That will still give me about five months to continue training for black belt testing. I’m just really ticked off that I’m losing any time at all. I really felt like I was getting somewhere with kata and bunkai.
I’m also upset that I missed two days of being around such great martial arts minds at the training camp. It’s not everyday that you get to converse with Kyoshi Bill Hayes. If you ever get a chance to meet and/or train with him, don’t miss that opportunity. He’s simply amazing.
I guess I’ll take this time to read some good books, and do some mental kata since that’s the only kind of kata I’m allowed to do for now. You can start feeling sorry for me any time now, because I’m definitely feeling pretty sorry for myself.
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