The post where I make a fool of myself
When Karl emailed me a few weeks ago and asked me to guest blog over at his place, I was flattered to be among those he asked. He's calling it his Super Summer of Lovin' as he's asked only what he deems to be hot women bloggers to be guest posters.
Since I asked to be able to take my turn towards the end of the three weeks of guest posters, I've had lots of time to check out what the other women have been writing. There's lots of drooling over Karl and flattery galore. While all the saliva is completely justified because Karl is indeed a catch, I thought I'd take a bit of a different approach. . .
I've been saying for months now that maybe, just maybe I'll put up a video of myself doing a kata or something karate related. Who would have ever thought that my first video to hit the web would be one like this? Certainly not me, but desperate times call for desperate measures. I struggled with what to write over there and then realized that I shouldn't really write. I should just "perform."
To entice you to visit and see for yourself, here are some answers to common questions you might have after watching the video:
Yes, that is my daughter's echo microphone.
No, that is not actually my voice.
Yes, that is me doing something karate related; and yes, I am highly disturbed about how I look when I am doing something karate related (I have so much work to do).
No, none of the girls' toys were harmed during the filming of this video (I can't say the same for the pictures on my heavy bag.)
Yes, I was completely 100% sober.
No, I don't take myself too seriously so you probably shouldn't either.
Yes, I used my sai for the "carving."
I think that about covers it. Go watch, leave a comment over there for Karl, and then come back here and tell me what you think when the laughing or head shaking has subsided enough for you to type. Go on, go!
Meme Times Three
I’ve been tagged for about 400 meme’s over the past week or so. They are all below. Feel free to play along if you like. The first two are courtesy of Becky. I thought I’d add the details of my second munchkin behind the details of the first. The last one is from my fellow brown belt, the Blue Chair Karate-Ka.
Mommy Meme
1. WAS YOUR PREGNANCY PLANNED?
Big I: Yes and no. I remember crying in the car and talking to my husband about how badly I wanted to start our family because I wanted my kids to know my grandparents, etc. Turns out I was pregnant. At least it explains the tears. I’m not typically one to cry.
Lil C: Yes and no. After 14 months of no luck, I had given up. That’s when I got pregnant.
2. WERE YOU MARRIED AT THE TIME?
Big I: Yes, for a little less than two years.
Lil C: Yes.
3. WHAT WERE YOUR REACTIONS?
Big I: I was so excited, but I was sort of in shock too. There were just so many unknowns and not enough formulated action plans yet. Mr. BBM immediately put the date on the calendar and started calling family. I hit the books and freaked out about the possibility of hemorrhoids.
Lil C: I was so relieved that it had finally happened. I couldn’t wait to tell Big I!
4. WAS ABORTION AN OPTION FOR YOU? Never.
5. HOW OLD WERE YOU?
Big I: 25 when I got pregnant; 26 when I had her.
Lil C: 29 when I got pregnant; 30 when I had her.
6. HOW DID YOU FIND OUT YOU WERE PREGNANT?
Big I: E-P-T and there was no doubt. I remember looking at the two lines only seconds after I started the test and thought, "well, I have to wait until the three minutes are up." I was just so shocked that it was positive.
Lil C: I took a First Response-Early Results test and got a faint pink line. The next day, I took another test and there was no doubt.
7. WHO DID YOU TELL FIRST?
Big I and Lil C: Mr. BBM
8. DID YOU WANT TO FIND OUT THE SEX?
Big I: No, I figured not knowing would be my incentive to push and get through the pain. Little did I know that because of the pain, the only thing I would care about is getting “it out” (Yes, that’s a direct quote.)
Lil C: I wasn’t going to, but then when I had to have an ultrasound I figured why not?
9. DUE DATE?
Big I: My first due date was March 10 (my Dad’s deceased Mom’s birthday). They later moved my due date to March 24th (Mr. BBM’s birthday); but like everyone else from my family, she was late and arrived on March 28th (but only after hours of double-strength pitocin and lots of Exorcist like action).
Lil C: October 3, 2005
10. DID YOU HAVE MORNING SICKNESS?
Big I: Hell yeah. I couldn’t even brush my teeth without gagging. Everything made me sick. I was teaching at the time and students would come up to me with brochures to buy different foods for fundraisers. I’d start gagging and heaving and would have to send them away until after lunch. Sometimes the sickness lasted all day long.
Lil C: Not really. I had two weeks where I felt sort of off and had to watch what I ate. Then I was fine.
11. WHAT DID YOU CRAVE?
Big I: Auntie Ann’s Jalapeno Soft Pretzels with cheese sauce, Cherry ICEE’s, red meat and cheese (I ate my first Prime Rib dinner while a few months pregnant), and later in the pregnancy, anything with apples (applesauce, cider, juice, cereal).
Lil C: Salad (because it was one of the only things I could eat without having to count carbs and watch sugar), hamburgers (no roll) and an occasional piece of dark chocolate when I had a low blood sugar.
12. WHO/WHAT IRRITATED YOU THE MOST?
Big I: I had three 10th grade students in one of my classes who were all pregnant. What annoyed me was that they thought we were pregnancy buddies or something. I made it very clear that we were not. I also couldn’t stand what I like to call “belly rubbers”: people who tried to rub mine and people who couldn’t quit rubbing their own.
Lil C: All the appointments. . . having gestational diabetes got to be a real pain in the butt. I couldn’t wait until she was finally born.
13. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CHILD’S SEX?
Both: Girls
14. DID YOU WISH YOU HAD THE OPPOSITE SEX OF WHAT YOU WERE GETTING?
Both: No, I just wanted a healthy baby.
15. HOW MANY POUNDS DID YOU GAIN THROUGHOUT THE PREGNANCY?
Big I: 30+ but I lost it all within four weeks of giving birth.
Lil C: 18, and it was gone after two weeks
16. DID YOU HAVE A BABY SHOWER?
Big I: Yes, four to be exact.
Lil C: No.
17. WAS IT A SURPRISE OR DID YOU KNOW? I didn’t see the one coming from the science department (Mr. BBM taught science).
18. DID YOU HAVE ANY COMPLICATIONS DURING YOUR PREGNANCY?
Big I: No.
Lil C: Yes, gestational diabetes.
19. WHERE DID YOU GIVE BIRTH?
Big I: Christiana Hospital in Delaware
Lil C: A hospital instead of the birth center. Big bummer.
20. HOW MANY HOURS WERE YOU IN LABOR?
Big I: 14.5
Lil C: 15
21. WHO DROVE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL?
Both: Mr. BBM
22. WHO WATCHED YOU GIVE BIRTH?
Big I: The doctor, an annoying nurse, Mr. BBM, my Mom, and although he didn’t actually watch, my Dad was also in the room staring intently out the window at the parking lot.
Lil C: My midwife, a nurse, and Mr. BBM.
23. WAS IT NATURAL OR C-SECTION?
Both: Natural
24. DID YOU TAKE MEDICINE TO EASE THE PAIN?
Big I: No epidural, but I did have a shot of stadol to help my muscles relax so she would move down already. That was about the only thing it helped because it didn’t do a damn thing for the pain except make me care less that I was in agony. It also made me swear. . . a lot.
Lil C: No, nothing.
25. HOW MUCH DID YOUR CHILD WEIGH?
Big I: 8 lbs 0 oz. with a head circumference in the 95th percentile. This came as a surprise to everyone but me. Man that hurt.
Lil C: 7 lbs. 10 oz. with a head circumference in the 95th percentile. Um, hum. Yeah.
26. WHEN WAS YOUR CHILD ACTUALLY BORN ?
Big I: March 28, 2001 at 1:29 a.m.
Lil C: October 4, 2005 at 1:05 a.m.
27. WHAT DID YOU NAME HIM/HER?
Big I: Big I (Sorry folks that’s all you’re getting.) She has a fabulous first name and shares her middle name with both me and my Mom.
Lil C: Lil C has a great first name and beautiful middle name too.
28. HOW OLD IS YOUR FIRST BORN TODAY? Six and Lil C is 19 months.
7 Random Facts About Me
1. I’m one of those people who get involved. When I was in college, some poor kid was getting beat to a pulp by a group of gang-banger types in a large dorm lobby. While a crowd of about 40 people stood around doing nothing, I cut through the crowd, grabbed the bloody kid off the ground, and walked him out of the circle of on-lookers to an office where the cleaning people locked the door behind us and called for help. The group of guys beating him stood there just looking at me with these stupid looks on their faces. I think they were just so shocked that some skinny blonde chick would just waltz into their fight fest and stop it. For me, there was no choice. I had to help.
2. The blonder I am, the more positive an outlook I have on life.
3. I took French classes for five years, but I mostly just remember the swear words.
4. I have terrible road rage.
5. I have even worse parental rage. When someone does something to one of my kids or says something about one of them, or hurts their feelings. . . I could just kill.
6. I consider myself to be very interested in politics; but as of right now I have absolutely no idea which candidate I like better. I do know the ones I don’t like.
7. Even though I can’t really sing, I still fantasize about being a big star, selling out stadiums, and making tons of money.
Five Favorite Places to Eat
Max & Erma’s: I have been writing this restaurant chain for years and begging them to open up a restaurant near my house. Right now, I have to drive at least 45 minutes to get to the closest one, but it is well worth it for the Tortilla soup and Santa Fe salad.
Stokesay Castle: I had my wedding reception at this amazing location on top of a mountain in the woods. The castle is a replica of an actual European castle and is amazing. The food was always decent (although not amazing), but you can’t beat the ambience. Sadly, the restaurant is closed and the castle is now for sale.
Panda Heaven: This is our local hibachi restaurant and although I haven’t been there for a long time, I absolutely love the food. The last time I was there, I was pregnant and had green tea ice cream. I was totally stuffed and haven’t gotten rid of that way-too-full feeling yet, so I haven’t been back in a long time.
Bruno’s Pizza: This pizzeria has been around forever. When I was a teenager, it used to be the place where all the hot guys hung out on weekend nights in the summer. Now, it’s just the place I grab a pizza and wings from when I can’t bear to think about cooking.
Emily’s: The last time I was there, I had crab cakes with a green olive tartar sauce that was out of this world. Their crab stuffed mushrooms appetizer was amazing too. I can always count on having a good glass of wine there too.
I am now totally meme’d out. I’m sure you are too! If you need me, I’ll be unpacking from a long weekend at the beach, and cleaning sand out of my ears courtesy of Lil C.
Mamasource: The Non-Abbreviation Zone
I’m not really a message board kind of girl. When I was pregnant for the first time I was teaching high school English. Unfortunately, I can’t count on one hand how many students handed in research papers or essays that included instant message lingo. Many of my students used "2" for "to" and I’m pretty sure that I had several "LOL"’s in essays when they obviously shouldn’t have been there. Laughing out loud, I certainly was NOT.
So, when I went looking for pregnant friends online, I found none. I had enough "lingo" to deal with in the classroom. Parenting and Pregnancy message boards left much to be desired. I assumed "DH" meant, well, nickname for Richard plus add "head". I never saw "Dear Husband" coming. "TTC" which I’ve since learned is "trying to conceive" had me scratching my head and thinking that the person maybe had some spelling issues? Trying to use the word tickle and took a very wrong turn? Tank top and capri’s? I had no clue. So I left them well enough alone.
When I was asked to do a review of Mamasource by Mother Talk, I fully expected to need a decoder key on the message boards. I was pleasantly surprised to find that most of the Mom’s online had no such code lingo, but instead use actual words and English.
The other pleasant thing about Mamasource is that when you sign up, you are immediately put into a "community" with other Mom’s from your area. Since I don’t live in San Francisco, NYC, or Philadelphia, I expected to be disappointed. Instead, I found a great many reviews of local attractions, restaurants, and things to do from real live Mom’s in my area. Apparently I have one less excuse for having no local friends.
I spent time reading reviews of parks, doctors, restaurants, etc. I also spent some time on the sight reading questions and posting answers on things I felt comfortable throwing my two cents in about. To test it, I posted a question myself but I haven’t received any responses as of yet. (I asked about a certain neighborhood and it’s reputation.)
Although many of the Mom’s in my area seem to be in their early to mid twenties, there were several I saw in their 40’s and beyond. Although I haven’t made any real connections from the site as of yet, I think that it’s entirely possible that I might. Of course, the demographics of Mom’s who actually take karate to those who just drive their kids to karate is probably a bit lacking, so I realize I probably just need to start being a bit less picky in choosing my friends. Of course, the single 23-year old with four kids and mascara issues and I are probably not going to become fast friends; but I’m sure there are other Mom’s out there like me who haven’t had a shower since Sunday and could care less about which brand of mascara makes lashes longer, y’all (totally her words, not mine).
Unlike many of the other parenting hot-spots online, Mamasource sends out a daily email that includes the latest requests and online reviews from Mom’s in my area. Although at first I was a bit annoyed at another intrusion on my inbox, I’ve found that the daily email has forced me to try to make connections. With all the blogs I read each day, it would be entirely possible to just skip visiting Mamasource. Instead, I have a daily reminder and can go visit the site if something piques my interest in the daily email.
Despite the daily email, your identity and email is completely protected since the site has a strong anti-spam stance. So, you can rest assured that no one will be asking you if you’d like to purchase some cialis. Mary Kay products? Entirely possible on the boards, but when it comes to enhancement drugs, it’s a safe zone.
There’s one last thing I’d like to add about Mamasource that I thought was pretty nice. A Mom posted a question about how she could get her kids to sleep later since they wake at the crack of dawn. One Mom responded with some snarky comment about her being selfish for wanting to sleep later. (My area is known for being pretty rude, and we like to live up to that label.) My response was that the sleep-deprived Mom should pull her daughter into bed with her and say "It’s too early" and then pretend to be asleep. It always worked for me, and was important because I likes me some sleep. The next day, I saw that I was given a "flower" for my response. Another random Mom out there liked my answer enough to award me a flower and I thought that was super sweet. A message board with flowers for rewards and no abbreviations is pretty cool as far as my standards go.
If you’re a Mom and looking for a community of other Mom’s in your area, Mamasource is the place to be. TTYL, DR. TTCM ("Talk to you Later, Dear Readers. Time to Check Mamasource" for those of you who are completely clueless.)
Interview Meme
This has been going around the internet, even more rampant than the sicknesses around my household. Since I’m practically a shut-in from the allergies turned bronchitis, and Lil C’s virus I thought I’d participate. J from Thinking About posed these five questions of me:
Is there any food you could eat everyday without getting sick of it?
The only thing that comes to mind is dark chocolate. I absolutely love dark chocolate, the darker the better.
Do you consider yourself to be practical, a free spirit, or lazy?
This one is kind of tough since I think all those descriptions are so different. I think I’m a pretty practical person. I think I’m probably too high strung to be considered a free spirit although my birth sign strongly disagrees with that assessment. Lazy? Sometimes I can be, but when you consider that I’m a stay at home Mom, part time work from home recruiter, working on writing a book, Team Mom for Big I’s t-ball team, and very much committed to my karate, I don’t think lazy describes me at all.
What do you consider to be the most important quality in a person?
Honesty. I hate liars. Just ask some of my ex-boyfriends. Nothing makes my blood pressure go through the roof as much as when someone lies to me. Along with honesty is just being a really good person, someone who is honest with others and also honest with themselves. I can’t stand when people are passive-aggressive and not direct about things either. I think all of that falls under the category of honesty and I think that is the most important and admirable quality a person can have.
If you could change one thing about your personality, what would it be?
I wish I wasn’t so sensitive about things. It upsets me when people say things about me or my kids. Things tend to just sit in my head and simmer for a while. I can’t seem to let rude comments go and I really wish I could.
Smoking or Non? If non-smoking, have you ever been a regular smoker?
NON! I am the person reporting people who throw cigarette butts out their windows. I also tell smokers to move away from entrances to stores so that my kids don’t have to inhale that crap; and I have no problem telling teenagers they’re being stupid when I see them smoking or asking them to move away from me and my kids if they continue to be stupid.
That being said (and PLEASE let this be the entry my parents do not read), I was stupid in college and when I was out and around my friends I occassionally smoked. I can’t even begin to say how much I regret having done that. It was so stupid. One day, I made up my mind that I was done and that was it. I never did it again. I wouldn’t say I was a regular smoker at any point in my life though.
Here are the rules if you’d like to play:
1. Leave me a comment saying "Interview Me."
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the questions and answers.
4. You will include this explanation and offer to interview readers in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.
Depending on how many more diapers I have to change today, it may take me a couple days to get these out if you choose to be interviewed.
The View: Hire ME!
New and improved edited version. . .
While watching The View this week, I almost broke out in a spontaneous rendition of "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead" from The Wizard of Oz. Have you heard? Rosie O’Donnell is leaving the show! I used to like Rosie back in her early stand-up days when she had a big spiral perm and a personality that didn’t grate on my nerves like fingernails on a chalkboard. These days, she’s just obnoxious, mostly because she gets all her political garble from the websites where all the crazies go.
But I digress. The real reason I’m writing is because I should replace her as the new co-host. Here’s why:
1. Blog a Day: Instead of daily reviews of musicals, I could present a blog a day worth visiting. Let’s face it, bloggers are popping up everywhere these days. Can you imagine what an impact a mention on The View would have on your site meter? Wait, don’t go email Barbara yet about why they should hire me. There’s more. . .
2. Public Safety: I could present a weekly self-defense lesson to the audience. I could have Joy Behar or a guest celebrity attack me and I could take them down, complete with comedic timing. Why not give the viewers something that’s actually useful in daily life? Entertainment can also serve to keep you safe. I think it would be an awesome segment to add. AND, instead of hashing out issues over the coffee table, we could set up a View sparring ring for when two people just can’t agree. "Take it to the mats ladies!"
3. Politics: Politically, I probably tend to side more with Elisabeth Hasselbeck and it would be refreshing for her to not be so ridiculously outnumbered when it comes to her political views. Plus, let’s face it, Elisabeth could use some help from someone who goes by the pseudonym of "Black Belt Mama." She’s been getting verbally beat up on that show for months now and it’s time to call in for some reinforcements. The reinforcement is me.
4. Likeability: Let’s face it. I’m likeable. I possess a witty sense of humor, have a glowing personality, and I’m an easy person to get along with (for the most part). Shouldn’t The View have someone that can get along with other people? Wouldn’t it be refreshing to see a new face instead of another recycled TV personality? Wouldn’t it be great if that face was mine? Look how I fit in! (O.k. I know, you’ll have to ignore Star. Just imagine Oprah’s friend Gayle there instead, since the rumor is that she’ll be getting a call soon.)
5. Dream: Growing up, I always thought I would be famous someday. I wanted to be a celebrity in the worst way, and I always thought that I’d do a great job as a talk show host. It’s more likely now that my claim to fame will be as a sidekick to Jackie Chan or something, but couldn’t I do both? I mean, why not?
6. Wardrobe: They won’t need to spend time or money outfitting me. I can just wear my gi.
See how they’re all laughing. They LOVE me!
If you’d like to help my cause, then I encourage you to go here and email Barbara or email her directly at barbara.walters@abc.com. Let her know that Black Belt Mama is ready for the job!
Now I just need someone to make a "Black Belt Mama for next View Co-host" button that every one of my awesome readers can post on their sidebars. We can start a phenomenon I tell you! I’d ask Mr. BBM, but considering he spent about five hours working on these two pictures, I think I’m out of luck.
What are you waiting for? Go email Barbara!!!
P.S. Do I have the best readers or what? I asked and my friend at the Martial Arts Pagoda delivered! Thank you so much for the fabulous button! If you’d like to add it to your blog and start the phenomenon, the html is as follows:
alt="Help Black Belt Mama get an interview with Barbara,Button compliments of Martial Arts Pagoda"
src="http://www.martialartspagoda.com/BBMviewButton2.gif"></a>
P.P.S. I wasn’t even going to bring it up, but if the mood moves you go here and vote for me for best hobby blog. I’m currently getting my derriere roundhouse kicked by someone named crazy aunt purl, and well, my ego just can’t take it.
P.P.P.S. You might want to type in your url and see if you’re nominated, because I nominated a whole bunch of you, right up until Lil C started wiping her nose on me and I had to take a break.
P.P.P.P.S. If you’d like to email Barbara, but don’t know what to say, you can copy and paste this letter. . . short, sweet, and right to the point.
Dear Ms. Walters,
I’d like to bring to your attention someone ideal for the co-host position on The View. Please consider interviewing Black Belt Mama (http://www.blackbeltmama.com). She would do a kick butt job!
Sincerely,
Insert Name Here
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