June 28, 2010

Saying Goodbye to a Long Lost Friend

When I went to Pitt, I volunteered and worked for Sexual Assault Services. I started out presenting programs to freshman, fraternities, sororities, and athletic teams on campus. Whenever we did these presentations, we did them with a partner. Although the coordinator really liked having male peer educators, it was tough to find good ones. One day, I was paired up with a guy named Jay. I was nervous. I had never met him before and I wasn't sure what to expect.

I never should have given it a second thought.

Jay was an amazingly warm and friendly guy. And he could turn it on in front of a group of people like no one else I knew. We instantly clicked. We stayed paired with each other for almost all the programs we were asked to do; and each time we did a program together, we nailed it. It wasn't long at all before we were hanging out after presentations and becoming really good friends.

Jay was not your typical guy. We would spend hours talking on the phone about all kinds of things. If I close my eyes and think about him, I can hear his laugh. He had the BEST laugh and the biggest smile you've ever seen. Almost as soon as I met him, I began thinking "Who can I fix him up with???" He was one of those guys.

After a couple weeks of getting to know each other, we were having a great conversation on the phone the one night. We would always fall into this funny conversation pattern of talking about the relationships that didn't work out. As I was telling him about a classic jerk in my past life, he responded, "Oh my GOSH! Did we date the same guy? I swear we must have!"

After spending weeks trying to figure out which one of my girl friends I could fix him up with, the truth was out. That wasn't going to be happening.

"Honey, in case you haven't figured it out yet, I'm gay. Jay is gay," he said as he erupted in laughter. It was one of the funniest moments of my life. I'll never forget that phone call.

We did a lot of hanging out in the months and years to come. He and his friends were the subject of one of my projects for a communications class about "coming out" to the world and what that means interpersonally in relationships. Jay was always so completely open with me about everything. He soon became good friends with Mr. BBM as well. I actually spent my 21st birthday with Mr. BBM, Jay and some of his friends. I had an absolute blast.

Jay lived in Brooklyn and over the years we kept in touch via email and sometimes through a phone call. He used to call me "Oshkosh" because he said he just knew I was going to marry Mr. BBM and have a bunch of babies. I called him after I had Big I and he laughed and told me he was going to buy the kid some overalls. We talked about getting together, but then life got in the way and we lost touch again for a while. It seemed that every time we would email back and forth or talk though, our friendship was always right back on track from where we left off in college.

Because I'm going to BlogHer in NYC this summer, Mr. BBM suggested I get in touch with Jay again. The mere thought of this had me so psyched. On the way home from the beach, I tried to look him up on Facebook but I couldn't find him there. I did a general google search and my stomach dropped. There was a blog name that included his name and "in memoriam."

I literally shook my head, trying to shake the existance of this site and what it meant away, and thought that there are lots of people with the same names in this world. This can't possibly be my Jay. And then the pictures loaded. . . and the tears came pouring down. I felt like I couldn't breathe at first. I had to catch my breath and then I said to Mr. BBM, "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. He's gone."

I did some more research and found out on one of his friend's blogs that he had committed suicide in November of 2007. It happened so long ago, but for me, it's like it just happened yesterday. I left a comment on the blog and his sister emailed me this morning. She'd like to talk and hear some stories about Jay from college. I gave her my phone number and I hope she calls.

I also hope that somewhere out there, Jay knows what a wonderful person I thought he was and how horrible it is to know he's no longer just an email or phone call away.

Rest in peace, Jay. I'll never forget you.

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