September 17, 2008
Will I ever be the same?
Last week I was standing in the kitchen talking to my Mom when Lil C came out of nowhere and charged right into my left leg which was straight at the time. I screamed in pain. That knee is just not like the other one. If someone tries to force it beyond a certain point, it is agony-inducing. I fought back the tears and walked it off.
My knee hasn’t felt the same since. I’m back to having that squishy feeling in there and I’m sore, so very sore.
Whenever I take Big I to the dojo, everyone is always asking me when I’m planning on coming back. I was planning on coming back within the next week or two. I was going to try it, very slowly and not even commit to completing an entire class. Now I’m not so sure about when I’ll be returning.
I’m worried about kneeling. I absolutely can not kneel on my left knee and there is no way I can sit back on my heels the way I used to. My knee just doesn’t work like that anymore. I’m worried about not keeping up with everyone else. I’m stressed about kicking, pivoting and turning. If Lil C running into my knee can set me back this far, what if one pivot sets me back further?
As much as I would like to return, I just don’t know that I’m entirely ready yet. I’d like to be, but right now I hurt and I’m scared. The combination of the two does not make for a very triumphant return.
Lately I’ve been feeling so overwhelmed with this knee business. I’m angry that it’s taken away so many things I like to do. I can’t dance with confidence anymore. I can’t really run that well at all. Walking up and down hills is annoying and uncomfortable; and when it’s wet outside, I am terrified of falling as I walk down inclines. Walking on the beach is difficult. I won’t even consider going in the surf for fear I’ll step on uneven sand and screw up my knee even worse. I can’t kneel or squat down to play with the girls or tie their shoes. I have to do this adjusted squat which is just plain weird.
I can’t tell you how much I wish I had my old knee back. If I could go back in time and sit that last round of sparring out, I would do it in a heartbeat. I feel like I am never going to be the same again. I hear about other people returning to their activities and wonder why I can’t. I worked hard at PT. I was extremely dedicated, yet the only thing more exercising gave me was more pain.
Before I hurt my knee, getting that black belt seemed very difficult. Now it seems almost impossible. I know it’s not about the color belt. For me, it’s about the accomplishment. It’s about getting that black belt to prove that even a torn ACL couldn’t hold me back. It’s symbolic of the fighting I’ve done to get back to normal.
Right now, my knee is holding me back. Getting back to karate seems to be near impossible when you consider that walking down a hill is still a challenge.
I wonder if I’ll ever feel normal again. It’s a horrible feeling. Like the knee pain, I wish it would just go away.
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Boy do I know how you feel. Everything you write in this post is bringing back memories for me of my karate-induced broken wrist that will never be the same as it was. Saying that I know how you feel doesn’t help, I’m sure, but just know that there are others that can relate and know what you’re going through. It sucks.
I think some light training in the dojo will be therapeutic. Your ACL injury is both physical and mental and a return to karate would re-invigorate your spirit. Your instructors are wise people, nobody is going to expect you to perform squat kicks or sit in seiza your first time back.
I’m not at all making light of your knee injury – it would’ve happened sooner or later. Your biggest challenge now is just getting back. You’ll be fine, just take it easy. Nothing’s impossible.
Aww, I’m sorry to hear you feel so down about this.
Aw, honey. I’m so sorry. What does the doctor say?
I had emailed you a while back b/c I had the same surgery almost the same time you did. The only thing I can think of as to why you are having pain is that your doctor didn’t place the tunnels correctly or the new Acl is not perfectly in place. From a knee board I read often this is what I have learned. Check it out, google Bob’s ACL Board. You can post a comment and people will respond. . .there are doctors and specialists on there too. It helped me a lot when I was frustrated. You can do all of your PT correctly but it there was a slight mishap in surgery . . . 🙁 Good luck and keep your chin up. Know that there are many out there with this same problem and it does get better.
Everything about this sucks. I’m sorry. 🙁
I’d like to second John’s sentiment, I think he hit it right on.
I’m not in any way comparing, because there is no comparison, but just the severe arthritis in my ankles and knees has me worried that I may not be able to do karate forever. I found it so late in life and I’m worried I will not be able to fully participate at some point in the not-so-distant future and it both scares me and also motivates me to keep doing everything I can to make the situation better and avoid it as long as possible – maybe even forever…
Maybe putting on your gi, stepping on the floor, doing warmups, and doing basically a walk through of class or two, would do you some good? Easy for me to say, I know. But it seems to me that some SUCCESS would do much to build up your confidence.
I think the idea of putting your Gi on again and taking part in a class, but at your own pace is a fantastic idea.
I agree with everyone else – just put the gi on and do the things you feel comfortable with and those you don’t quite feel comfortable with – skip for now or modify to where you do feel okay with it. The mental part of it all might be the main thing limiting you right now.
Getting back on the floor might be a good idea. From my experience, the stances and the movements felt strange at first. The movements during kata were different from my PT routine. It was only after I was back on the training floor that these movements started to feel normal again.
As far as kneeling goes…I am still working on it after 16 months!
Good luck!
hey girl, i am having the EXACT same symptoms as you are. I will be seven months post op next week, and the idea of going back to mixed martial arts like this seems futile. I talked to my doctor about it, but he says it sounds normal and that I still need to give it more time. Also, I requested his notes which you can do to actually see his true thoughts, LOL. I found out that he pretty much meant what he said in the visit. I pray that your knee will heal.