A Very Non-Martha Christmas
Every year I do this to myself. I start stressing about the holidays around Thanksgiving time and don’t stop until they’re over. Then, of course, comes my birthday, shortly after the holidays and in the dead of winter, so it makes for a lovely few months for me. Every year I imagine being finished with shopping EARLY, and that all my presents will be perfectly wrapped. . .
But then reality hits. And karate testing also comes this time of year which brings added stress.
I was having a conversation with one of my best friends last week and she said "Martha has help," and she is so right. Women put pressure on themselves to have the perfect holiday season, but we don’t have a staff of 200 who do it for us. So here are the Marthaism’s for the holiday season, followed by the grim reality of it all:
Marthaism 1: All presents will be wrapped neatly and adorned with accents such as holly, cinnamon sticks, and of course ornate ribbons.
Reality: If you get a gift from me that is completely covered, consider yourself lucky. There are two children in this home who think Scotch tape is all the rage, which means that there are lots of unnecessary pieces of sticking-to-itself-and-everything-else tape on the gift at inappropriate places (Oh, and it may have a piece of cat hair stuck in it as well). There is a lack of tape where it’s needed which explains the whole "be glad if it’s even covered completely" thing. Oh, and bows? Yeah, cats eat them and barf them. There are no ribbons or bows in my house.
Marthaism 2: The Christmas buffet will have approximately seven courses. Beautiful appetizers, lovingly prepared meats and other dishes will also be displayed. There will be at least six desserts made from scratch including several that took three days a piece to make.
Reality: Hot sandwiches from a crock pot anyone? Who’s got time to cook? Dessert? Yeah, I made some cookies two weeks ago. Enjoy.
Marthaism 3: Christmas cards will be addressed using beautiful handwriting and/or calligraphy. Each card will contain a personal signature and note.
Reality: If you get my Christmas card by Valentine’s Day, consider it an act of God. Sending out Christmas cards is the equivalent of self-torture for me. Every year, I swear I WILL NOT SEND A CARD TO ANYONE WHO HAS NOT SENT ME ONE the previous year. But each year, I lose my list from the previous years senders and decide to start everyone from scratch. Everyone gets to start with a fresh slate. So, I address and mail each card, and then watch the mailbox and see who really gives a crap about me, and when people don’t. . . I get secretly annoyed. BIG TIME!
Marthaism 4: All the Christmas shopping should be done early to avoid the crowds.
Reality: I am still searching for a damn Wii that I’m never going to find. That alone could explain my headache that has lasted (I kid you not) six days straight now. I am also missing gifts for at least five other family members. And NO, I am not willing to camp at Best Buy this weekend people. I have a life.
Marthaism 5: Everyone will enjoy the holidays and be happy and healthy to start the New Year.
Reality: You know all the pictures of families sitting around the table? Imagine that with a big vat of tissues. Every year, someone is sick. When I was little, I had the chicken pox for Christmas. Last year, Lil C was suffering through her first cold and had big black circles under her eyes (as did Mommy). This year, Big I has an ear infection and Lil C has followed in her footsteps. Both girls have colds that turned into even more fun for Mom. It’s a very pink Christmas around here, what with all the Amoxicillin and everything. I’m hoping they’re over it by Christmas and that I will not be used as a human tissue by Lil C while wearing my Christmas finery. But we all know the reality of this one. . . they’ll be better, just in time for me to get sick. It never fails.
Marthaism 6: Homes should be decorated inside and out for Christmas. Christmas trees should be decorated just so, with all the proper adornment including bows, balls, ornaments, etc.
Reality: If you can find my extension cords, I will gladly put my candles in the windows. They’re gone, I tell you, gone. And Mr. BBM refuses to buy more because "They have to be here somewhere." And as far as the tree goes, the bottom half of my tree is very. . . vacant at the moment. Last night, Lil C slept with one of the Christmas ornaments. They’re also in her toy box, in sofa cushions, etc. Did I mention that both of my trees are leaning? Yeah.
I’m sure I’ll think of more as the big day draws closer. Tonight is pre-testing for karate, which will be great fun with the headache that won’t go away. But the way I see it? It gets me away from the pile of Christmas cards that are just staring at me, waiting for stamps.
Where are the stamps anyway?
Black Belt Class
Last week, the head instructor at our dojo suggested than I start attending black belt class along with another brown belt student. The idea of a half hour of just brown belt material, followed by an hour of black belt class sounded divine. I have always enjoyed being in class with people who are higher ranks than I am, and lately I’m one of the high ranks and therefore spend a lot of time reviewing, not looking ahead.
So, the brown/black belt class ended up being an hour and a half of weapons katas. It was a work out. We started out with a tunfa kata needed for 1st kyu brown belt. Neither of us knew any of the kata, but by the end of the night, we were both very familiar with it. It’s a good thing too, because an hour into the class, our instructor had to leave and another instructor took over.
She was my teacher in the beginning, back in my white belt days, and she knows how to work your butt. There is no such thing as a class with her that doesn’t involve lots of sweat. She hopped onto the training floor and asked what we were doing and started doing that tunfa kata as if we’d been doing it for weeks. At first it was intimidating, but at the end of the night, when you walk out of the dojo having a decent grasp on a kata that you had no clue even existed when you first walked in, well, it feels pretty good.
What doesn’t feel good is your arms and legs the day after black belt class. I came home and was completely exhausted. I ended up falling asleep on the sofa and woke up the next morning feeling like a truck hit me.
Of course, you also need to keep in mind that I was a helper Mom at my daughter’s Kindergarten class on the same day. Twenty-five screaming 5-year-olds also have the ability to make one feel as if a truck has hit them. . .
Or several trucks for that matter.
Everything you need to know about self defense, you can learn from my 14-month old
If you missed the first installment of Baby Self Defense moves, you can check it out here. Oh, how her repertoire has grown. While Big I gradually gets more and more interested in the martial arts, I’ve been getting the feeling that Lil C is not going to need any prodding to put on a gi and kick some butt. In fact, she’s been kicking some serious derriere around our household for quite some time now and her moves only seem to improve with time.
And now, without further delay, I present to you Lil C’s latest self-defense moves:
Bite ‘Til They Cry
One only needs to take a brief glance at my shoulder right now to see the type of damage that little teeth can do. We’re now up to nine teeth, with at least three more in the immediate future, and my arms are proof that Lil C has mastered the pinch bite. This technique is not the type of bite where one aims to take out a chunk of something. This bite clenches down and grabs only a teeny tiny bit of skin between the top and bottom teeth before biting down with everything she’s got. INSTANT AGONY is what results. (I am seriously considering wearing shoulder pads.)
Lead with your Head Butt
There is nothing more disorienting than a surprise direct hit from a toddler noggin. From across the room, she’ll look unsteady and unsure of her direction, but once she knows her target, it’s an all out sprint as she leads with her head and makes contact at key areas on the head and face. The cheek bones are particularly vulnerable, as is the tip of the nose and the mouth. Of course, a direct hit to the forehead can be equally punishing and Lil C knows this and knows it well.
Bladder Stomp Kick
In karate training there is a stomp kick. It’s usually used as a distraction before getting out of choke holds, wrist grabs, etc. The stomp kick is exactly what it sounds like and is used on key spots on an attacker’s foot. But Lil C has discovered something far more disturbing than a traditional stomp kick. She has perfected her technique so much that she can even do this while sleeping. (I know, I know, take a moment to catch your breath.) There are two scenarios where this move works particularly well for her:
- Lil C usually makes her way into our bed sometime between 4 and 6 am each night. But sleeping in the traditional way is not her thing. She prefers to put her feet at the head of the bed, which puts her in perfect positioning for the Bladder Stomp Kick. Then something from the depths of her sleep tells her it’s time to attack and she pulls both of her legs straight up into the air, pulling them back towards her head to get even more leverage, before she lets them drop with full force onto the nearest fullest bladder. This move also works on floating ribs, and a stomp kick to the nose or eyeball is a sure way to elicit fear as well.
- The second scenario where this stomp kick is particularly useful is when getting her diaper changed. Lil C waits until the old diaper has been removed and then she pulls her legs and feed up as in scenario 1. But instead of just one drop of those little lead legs, multiple kicks are dealt out in a rapid fire fashion. Blows can be felt on the legs, knees, and arms of the person changing the diaper. If proximity allows, Lil C can also deliver the classic Bladder Stomp Kick. If Mr. BBM happens to be changing her diaper at the time, a cup is advisable.
Yes, the Bladder Stomp Kick can be quite painful, but nothing compares to Lil C’s next move.
Nose Destroyer
Have you laughed while drinking soda lately? Do you know what it feels like to laugh so hard that the soda goes up your nose and causes severe burning and discomfort? What if I told you there was a way to do that without a need for soda? Have I got your attention? Because Lil C certainly got mine with this signature move.
This move comes across as an ordinary slap to the face, but the key to the destruction is in the little fingers that are delivering the slap. Lil C has perfected the art of slapping at just the right angle that she can simultaneously slap you while scratching your brain via your nose. I have never had a nose bleed in my life until Lil C pulled this move on me one day. The blood, the pain. . . you get the idea.
So for all of you searching for self defense techniques that work in real life, if a toddler can pull these off, so can you. Good Luck.
Note for the Neurosurgeon
Dear Dr. Neurosurgeon:
Here’s something you don’t just casually mention after your patient (my Dad) has had a craniotomy when it’s over the phone, not in person and via another person:
"We might have to drill some more holes in your head."
Seriously, what the hell?
Sincerely,
The Patient’s Very Annoyed and Upset Daughter
Pre-Testing
I used to teach high school English. I had well over 130 students each year and stood up in front of them daily. With the exception of the first day, I was never nervous. In college, I used to speak in front of large groups, like the entire Pitt football team for one, about sexual assault of all things. Nervous? Never.
One would think that after having worked as a teacher and as a PEER Educator, standing up in front of people wouldn’t be a problem. But there is something about Pre-Testing at the dojo that is just nerve-wracking for me. I get so nervous and then I spend the entire time mentally beating myself up for every mistake, and verbally assaulting myself with each wrong move.
At one point tonight, after I had enlisted the help of a black belt with my Choun bo kata, my instructor told me to stop beating myself up from across the dojo as he helped another brown belt with her kata.
I want to be perfect. I don’t want to show up at testing and screw up. I hate that. I remember when I was a white belt, I would sometimes watch the brown belts and wonder why they didn’t remember Kata 2 or Waza 3. I thought I would surely remember everything when I was a brown belt.
But the mind is a funny thing. It holds on to things you need and then tucks them away into the depths once it’s not an immediate need anymore. . .
Or my brain is just completely fried from the whole Lil C non-napping thing. My brain needs that nap almost as much as she does. O.k. more.
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