August 28, 2006

Kindergarten Meltdown Countdown

For the past few days, I have been reduced to tears at the most ridiculous of things. I was watching Big I play with Lil C yesterday and just started crying. "What’s wrong Mommy?" Big I asked me. I was a blubbering fool, and it took me several minutes to even get out the words, "You’re just growing up and getting so big. That’s all." She just sort of chuckled at me. Somehow I’m thinking the first day of Kindergarten is going to be no laughing matter for me.

For the past few days, I’ve been feeling like one feels in the days leading up to something unpleasant, like a surgical procedure or something. The dread is thick and has been weighing heavily on me. I remember when Big I was born, thinking that now it was going to get tough. While pregnant with her, all her needs were taken care of as long as I ate smart and stayed healthy. On the outside, all bets were off. It was up to me to protect her and provide for her. Now, it’s going one step further. While many leave their children at day care or preschool long before it’s time for Kindergarten, I was not one of those Mom’s. Big I and I have been at home together all the time. This is going to be a big adjustment for all of us.

This week, an envelope came from Big I’s school. We finally found out who her teacher will be. There was a letter telling about all the basics of Kindergarten: what she needs, when she needs to be there (entirely too early in my opinion), when she needs to be picked up (not early enough if you ask me). There was also a name tag for Big I. Just looking at it got me all teary. But the first thing I pulled out of the envelope while still en route back to my front door was an envelope containing a tissue, a cotton ball, and a tea bag. It was addressed "Dear Parent" and this is what had me sobbing. It says:

"Thank you for entrusting your child to me. I promise to do my best everyday to be your child’s companion in learning. After, you have wiped your tears, make yourself a nice warm cup of tea. Put your feet up and relax. Then hold the cotton ball in your hand. The softness will help you to recall the gentle spirit of your child. I will work alongside you this year to help your child grow. Sincerely, Mrs. M"

With Lil C in one arm and Big I walking beside me, I was a certifiable blubbering mess. Complete with the hiccups that hard crying gives you, I struggled to hold it together enough to see my way into the house and straight to the tissue box. I’m getting the feeling that this week is going to be really hard.

I’m also thinking that Mrs. M should have sent home some tranquilizers and a box of tissues.

Despite my uncontrollable tears the past few days (mostly in private), Big I has been filled with excitement for the past few days. I never knew which teacher she really preferred, but when I told her she got Mrs. M, she was elated.

That was until today. I greeted Big I this morning by saying, "THREE MORE DAYS!" and there were instant tears. "NO!" she yelled. "I need more days than that. I need 17 or 50 days," she said. I hugged her and embarked on my usual happy tirade about how great Kindergarten is and how much she’s going to love going each day.

"What if I get hurt? I’ll be all alone," she said. I assured her that the school nurse would take care of her until I got there.

"But you’re going to LEAVE me there and go home without me." I assured her that we only live about five minutes from the school and that I could be there in a flash. I considered letting her know that it’s a distinct possibility that I’ll be camped out in the car outside the school for the entire time she’s inside.

"What if I get in trouble?" she cried. And then I laughed. "You’re not going to get in trouble. Do you know how many times Mommy was in trouble in all of the years I was in school?" I asked her. "How many?" she said. I held up a big goose egg. "None, zero, zilch," I said.

After some big hugs and stories of my own first day of Kindergarten, Big I calmed down. I decided that we should go out and get the last minute things Big I needed for school. What gal doesn’t love to go shopping? Our shopping excursion worked its magic, and Big I was feeling better about school again tonight at bedtime.

I’m just wondering how I’m going to be able to leave my child in the care of someone else for an entire morning. I am thankful that my husband will be accompanying me on Big I’s first day because I have a feeling it’s going to be a little rough for me to see the road on the way home. If he wasn’t going along, I have a feeling I’d probably sit there in my car and just sob for a while. It’s going to be a rough day for me. I hope that it’s nothing short of fabulous for Big I.