July 19, 2010

Out of My Hands

I am walking this very fine line today and feel like an absolute crazy person. I can be reduced to tears and a temper tantrum in mere seconds. I'm supposed to have surgery tomorrow. However, my surgeon's office is recommending I cancel the surgery. My options are to either cancel or pay $3,475.00 up front tomorrow. I don't know how many of you have $3,475.00 stuffed in your mattresses, but I don't. I'm lucky if I have $3.00 in my wallet at any given time.

My surgery has been scheduled for weeks. My insurance decided they wouldn't pay for the one part I desperately need, the alloderm to give me back tissue that is long gone, because they deem it "experimental" and "not medically necessary." They decided this last week, which gives me little time to get anything changed, especially since my surgeon was on vacation last week and will only arrive in the office within the next hour or so.

Today, my insurance company told my husband that my surgeon can request a peer to peer review and appeal the decision directly to the medical director. Today, they tell me this. Today. According to them, this wasn't even an option last week.

If they wouldn't have had their non-caring heads stuck up their lazy butts for the past several weeks, then perhaps I would be mentally getting into the surgery zone instead of figuring out how I can refrain from killing someone today.

To me, it's simple. Almost three years of problems need to be fixed now. I waited weeks to get in with this surgeon and weeks to get on his surgery schedule. It's been months since I begrudgingly went back to a surgeon for help. Months. If I cancel now, I won't be able to get back on the schedule for many more weeks. Then I'm back teaching. You can't take time off for surgery when you're an adjunct and teach two days a week. Which means, I have to wait. . . again. . .

I have to wait until I inevitably bump my leg again and the screw cuts me from the inside out, again. I have to wait and walk around with a painful knee for who knows how many more months. I have to wait again.

I could seriously throw my lap top across the room. I am more angry than I have ever been. I am an emotional wreck. Why can't anyone else understand how tired I am of dealing with this? Why can't anyone else understand that waiting is not an option. I am beyond frustrated. I am beyond tired. And I can't help but feeling like there isn't a soul in this world that gives a crap or can help me right now. It is out of my hands, and that is perhaps the worst possible feeling of all.

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