September 2, 2007

If this Post Doesn’t Bring in the Crazy Googlers, I Don’t Know What Will

When I was in 5th grade, giving short drops to girls during recess was a favorite past time of the boys in my grade. For those who are not aware (and oh how lucky you are), a short drop is when someone comes up behind you and pulls your pants down to your ankles. It’s so not cool.

For weeks I had watched this terrible deed happen to my friends, and spent much of recess watching my back. And then one day, out of nowhere came a little punk, who grabbed my pants and ripped them down around my ankles. Thankfully, my underwear didn’t go along for the ride; but that didn’t mean I wasn’t completely humiliated. I spent weeks feeling horrified and embarrassed. My classmates had seen my underwear and it was awful.

Unlike many of the girls who didn’t report it, I made it my business to make sure that my short-dropper got the business, and he did.

Fast forward 22 years. . .

Mr. BBM got free Hershey Park passes for the entire weekend, so we took the girls and brought along our swimsuits since there’s a new water park called "The Boardwalk." Big I and I took a whirl down the "Whirlwind" which was the most amazingly awesome water slide I have ever been on (It’s the big yellow and blue one if you click the link and take a look). Mr. BBM then took his turn with Big I while Lil C and I explored.

It was during our exploring that we saw "The Waverider." If you’d like to see The Waverider in action, go here and click on Podcast 2. Go explore-I’ll wait. Come back because you won’t want to miss this.

(Tapping foot patiently.) Ready now? Good.

Lil C and I spent a ton of time just watching the surfers. It was awesome! There were tons of wipe-outs, an occasional seemingly pro surfer, and lots of in-betweens. I told Big I we just had to try it.

We waited in line for an hour. My original plan was to hang out in line with Big I and then skip it myself, but Big I kept insisting that I give it a try. Big I went first.

I have to be honest; I was super worried. I had watched kids her size get slammed back into the wall at the top of the ride. I had watched kids lose the board and literally eat the wave. Instead of wiping out, Big I rode that wave like a champion.

During her ride, the lifeguards decided to have a conversation about something, and she continued to ride that wave like an absolute pro for far longer than anyone previously had done.

At one point, she even turned around to smile at me as I stood watching her at the top of the wave. She was absolutely stunning and didn’t wipe out once. I was super proud of her, but she was a tough act to follow!

A couple VIP’s cut in line, so by the time it was my turn, I was super hot and wanted to take a dip anyway. I decided I’d try surfing for the very first time. The guy who went in front of me lost his swimming trunks completely and ended up standing at the bottom of the wave in only boxer shorts, so I figured there was no way I could do worse than that.

Here, the lifeguard is giving me instructions.

It went something like this:
Lifeguard: Have you ever done this before?
Me: No.
Lifeguard: (handing me the board) Well, you hold on up here, tight. You stand on the star at the top of the wave and aim for the star at the opposite side of the bottom of the wave. If you want to go left, you lean left. If you want to go right, you lean right.
Me: O.k. but let’s get to the most important thing here. What happens if I have a wardrobe malfunction?
Lifeguard: Ma’am, that’s what the blankets are for. (He gestures towards the two blankets beside him-visible in the above photo.) I’ll cover you up.
Me: Promise?
Lifeguard: (With a completely straight face) Yes.

So, with much trepidation I took that board and walked to the star at the top of the wave. I watched all these kids go diving onto that wave with ease. I wasn’t sure I could be so graceful, but there was a line, so no time like the present.

I took the leap and surfed to the bottom of the wave.

The jets pushed me back up, and it was AMAZING! I was doing it! It was working! I lifted up the front of the board a bit and rode the waves with ease. I leaned left and slid across the wave. I leaned right and slid back to the other side. I wasn’t wiping out like the other people. I contemplated trying to spin or even get up on my knees. I wanted that "Look Ma, no HANDS" moment!

Then, the unthinkable happened. A jet of water hit the exact angle it needed to in order to dislodge my swimsuit, and within seconds I felt my bottoms. . . going south. There were TONS of people standing around the waverider area. There were men, women and children in line to my left. There was a crowd of on-lookers in front of me, another crowd to the right of me. . . and OH MY GOD. . . those people have a viewing angle from ABOVE me, which means. . .

ahhhhhHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! (Don’t you just know it that Mr. BBM would be all Johnny-on-the-spot with an opportune photo too! GRR!)

(Just so we’re clear, everyone who visits this site has an IP address. If you visit often, and/or have ever left a comment here, I know your IP address, which means I know when you’re here, how often you’re here, and exactly what you’re looking at while you’re here. Don’t believe me? Go visit Statcounter and see for yourself. Yes, you may think you’re stalking me unbeknownst to me; but actually I’m hip to your stalkerishness. You know how that creepy little kid in the movie sees "dead people"? Well, I see you. If you should attempt to click on the above picture, remove the strategically placed symbol in any way, or somehow blow up said picture, I will totally know about it. So do me a favor and just continue reading. . . Thank you.)

And now, back to our regularly scheduled program. . .

I reached back with my hand to keep my bottoms from ending up around my ankles. I caught them, but the reach did nothing for my balance of the board. The next thing I knew, the board went flying out from underneath my partially naked butt, back up to the top of the waverider. And then, my body did the only thing it could do. The powerful jets flipped me onto my back and I rode, Teletubby style right up the wave to where I had started. The water at the top of the wave was intense and started pulling my top down as well. I held on to my bottoms for dear life with my left hand, secured my top with my right hand and stayed there, flat on my back in the rapids, until I was sure I was covered back up again.

People were laughing (totally not at me people, with me, with me I tell you). I stood up, and there was the emotionally unavailable, non-blanket wielding lifeguard telling me I had another turn.

"DUDE! Where was the blanket??? Huh? You’re totally not doing your job!" I hissed at him while I continued to fix my disheveled swimsuit. "If I go again, are you going to do your job this time and cover me up???"

His face was completely unchanged as he said, "Yes Ma’am" and handed me the board that had been so violently removed from underneath me. People who call me "Ma’am" bother me greatly; but people who promise to cover up my butt and don’t follow through with said promise totally take the cake in the category of bothersome.

What’s a girl to do? Had this been 22 years ago, a devastated 5th grade BBM probably would have gone to cry in the bathroom. "Hershey Park just saw my butt! Waahhh!!!" But I couldn’t go out on that note, so I dove onto the wave again, and this time surfed flawlessly until my turn was over. Instead of ending my ride with a nudity-inducing wipe-out, this time I leaned to the left and surfed over to the safety of the padded wall and non-jetted water where I was able to get out with my dignity in tact.

Mr. BBM said that the consensus of the crowd was that I had been "good." There was no shortage of kids, especially boys, giving the waverider a try. I definitely think I got some cool Mom points today.

As I made my way out of the ride, there was some cheering. A couple little boys told me I was "awesome." (Geez, it’s practically becoming a trend.) Of course, we’ll never know if they were talking about my surfing skills or my butt; but either way, it was a compliment and I’m taking it.