September 17, 2008
Will I ever be the same?
Last week I was standing in the kitchen talking to my Mom when Lil C came out of nowhere and charged right into my left leg which was straight at the time. I screamed in pain. That knee is just not like the other one. If someone tries to force it beyond a certain point, it is agony-inducing. I fought back the tears and walked it off.
My knee hasn’t felt the same since. I’m back to having that squishy feeling in there and I’m sore, so very sore.
Whenever I take Big I to the dojo, everyone is always asking me when I’m planning on coming back. I was planning on coming back within the next week or two. I was going to try it, very slowly and not even commit to completing an entire class. Now I’m not so sure about when I’ll be returning.
I’m worried about kneeling. I absolutely can not kneel on my left knee and there is no way I can sit back on my heels the way I used to. My knee just doesn’t work like that anymore. I’m worried about not keeping up with everyone else. I’m stressed about kicking, pivoting and turning. If Lil C running into my knee can set me back this far, what if one pivot sets me back further?
As much as I would like to return, I just don’t know that I’m entirely ready yet. I’d like to be, but right now I hurt and I’m scared. The combination of the two does not make for a very triumphant return.
Lately I’ve been feeling so overwhelmed with this knee business. I’m angry that it’s taken away so many things I like to do. I can’t dance with confidence anymore. I can’t really run that well at all. Walking up and down hills is annoying and uncomfortable; and when it’s wet outside, I am terrified of falling as I walk down inclines. Walking on the beach is difficult. I won’t even consider going in the surf for fear I’ll step on uneven sand and screw up my knee even worse. I can’t kneel or squat down to play with the girls or tie their shoes. I have to do this adjusted squat which is just plain weird.
I can’t tell you how much I wish I had my old knee back. If I could go back in time and sit that last round of sparring out, I would do it in a heartbeat. I feel like I am never going to be the same again. I hear about other people returning to their activities and wonder why I can’t. I worked hard at PT. I was extremely dedicated, yet the only thing more exercising gave me was more pain.
Before I hurt my knee, getting that black belt seemed very difficult. Now it seems almost impossible. I know it’s not about the color belt. For me, it’s about the accomplishment. It’s about getting that black belt to prove that even a torn ACL couldn’t hold me back. It’s symbolic of the fighting I’ve done to get back to normal.
Right now, my knee is holding me back. Getting back to karate seems to be near impossible when you consider that walking down a hill is still a challenge.
I wonder if I’ll ever feel normal again. It’s a horrible feeling. Like the knee pain, I wish it would just go away.
September 16, 2008
Full Speed Ahead
I would like to be able to show you pictures of the inside of my newly drywalled house. I can’t do that though, because when we arrived tonight at about 7:30 to check it out, there were still eight very busy men walking around my house on stilts installing drywall at the speed of light. From what I could tell from the street, the entire entryway, family room and most of the rooms that are visible from the front were completely done.
Now I know why the electrician told us that sometimes the guys go directly over the electrical outlets. They are moving. As much as I would have liked to walk in there and check it out, there were saws and screw guns operating almost non-stop and I really didn’t want to interrupt.
Plus, I was kind of scared that they’d drywall me if I didn’t move fast enough through the house. I am wondering if they finished the entire job tonight. If not, they’ll be back at 6 a.m. tomorrow. My neighbor told me this is the time they wake her up each day.
For the longest time, things were moving so slowly. I guess hitting the one month until settlement date kind of lights a fire under them. Monday, our entire house was insulated and today, most of it drywalled. At this rate, I’ll have my floors in by Saturday.
Lil C said yesterday, "Wow Mommy, it’s really starting to look like a house now." The girls are brimming with excitement; and I can’t wait to get in there in just one more month.
One more month people!!!
September 14, 2008
Back from the Beach and Feeling the Love
We had a fantastic weekend in Ventnor with some great friends. We spent the weekend eating lots of barbequed goodies, splashing in the waves, and playing some really fun games. The girls created "habitats" in beach buckets today. They both picked up tiny clams and enjoyed watching them burrow back into the sand. I even found a hermit crab for them that didn’t do a whole lot, but they loved it anyway. When all was said and done, we put the little creatures back on the beach, packed up, and drove home.
We made a brief stop on the way home and were very pleased to see that our siding is going up on the house. My parents stopped by over the weekend and said the guy was working all day Saturday. He got a lot done. By the end of this week, we may actually have a house that’s not green with rain guard wrap.
Usually when I go away on a little vacation, something bad happens. People write mean things about me on their websites or my cat starts barfing a lot. Tonight I came home to this award from one of my favorite bloggers, Karl.
So a special "thank you" goes out to Karl (who would obviously be on my list if he hadn’t already won the award). Here are the rules of the award:
- The winner can put the logo on his/her blog.
- Link the person who awarded you.
- Nominate at least seven other blogs.
- Put links to those blogs on your own blog.
- Leave a message on the blogs you’ve nominated.
Here goes, in no particular order, and this is in no way a complete list of blogs I love:
I hope this award helps all of you start your week off with a smile.
September 12, 2008
Last in Line
You may recall from a few weeks ago our meeting with the site supervisor regarding our Bilco door entrance to the basement. As a refresher, the plans for our home said that the Bilco door entrance would stick out 5 ft. from the house. Because we got an extra foot depth in the basement, our doors stick out 8.5 feet. Using the Bilco doors was going to be difficult. I worried that if we ever went to sell our house down the road, the Bilco door entrance sticking out so far on the side of the house would be a buyer objection.
At the time, they told us that relocating the Bilco entrance was not a possibility so we came up with a different solution. It was workable but still not great.
Two days ago, we got a call from the builder representative telling us he needed to talk to us about our Bilco door. We figured they just wanted to discuss the retaining wall. We were wrong.
As it stands now, the building inspector will not approve the bilco in its current location. It needs to be moved. The representative threw some ideas at us like cement blocking the area that currently houses the bilco steps. Mr. BBM and I were irritated. Not only would it look different, but we were worried about water and structural issues since they’d be ripping another hole into our basement and trying to seal up the old hole.
We met with the Supervisor yet again yesterday and picked our new location for the bilco entrance. I pity the dude who gets the job of cutting through 10 inches of ribar-enforced concrete to create the new entrance.
We were prepared for a fight, but apparently the concrete guys think they can pour the wall in so it won’t look all that different from the rest of the basement. When all is said and done, we’ll be happier with the new location in the back of the house. We just wish they would have moved it as we asked weeks ago instead of waiting until our entire house was sitting on top of it, complete with plumbing, electric, and duct work for the heating and AC units.
As we were wrapping up our meeting I asked the Supervisor if he was going to now continue my rock wall. He laughed and said, "Or I could just rip the whole thing out." I looked at him disapprovingly and said, "You are going to finish my rock wall right?" He hung his head and said, "Yeah, we’re going to finish your rock wall."
I then questioned him on why the houses with later settlement dates are so far ahead of our house. I told him we need to settle on time. Our awesome mortgage rate that we relocked in this week expires two days after our proposed settlement date. "Don’t worry about it," he said casually. Apparently this builder does not miss settlement dates.
After we got back in the car Mr. BBM had to laugh. I don’t know what it is about these construction guys but I have absolutely no problem speaking up and telling them exactly what I want them to do. Mr. BBM has decided it’s best to just stay out of my way and let me handle it. Maybe if I had been more insistent a few weeks ago, this wouldn’t have been an issue. Lesson learned.
If you are a martial artist and you haven’t yet visited Bags of Character, please do so. My friend from the dojo has set up shop on my site and she sells awesome bags to house kobudo weapons and swords. I own a beautiful blue nunchaku bag and you should too. Check it out!
September 11, 2008
7 Years Later
It’s hard to believe that the tragedy of 9/11 happened seven years ago. I knew of people who lost their lives, but I didn’t know anyone directly. I’m sure that those who lost someone have felt every single day of the past seven years tick by slowly without their loved one.
I’d like to draw your attention to a post I wrote to remember one of those victims. May we never forget. . .
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