March 2, 2009
From Complete Crap to Above and Beyond
Last week was one of those weeks that you don't ever want to repeat. My students were all out of sorts last week, sick and late with their speeches. On Wednesday, I said my final goodbye to Lisa and that was hard, really hard. I spent the rest of the week feeling miserable about it. On Thursday, Big I walked in the door from school, told me some kid had hit her in the face, and then quit karate that night. Friday night, Lisa passed away. I spent much of Saturday breaking into tears and feeling miserable. Sunday I woke up with eyes that were obviously having serious allergy problems. The crying from Saturday didn't help much either. Big I also woke up and promptly puked. . . again.
I decided to clean and organize. Cleaning and organizing always makes me feel better when it's done.
While I was in the middle of cleaning and organizing Big I's room, the doorbell rang. On the way down the hall and stairs, I was psyching myself up for what I thought was going to be an encounter with the hitter from Thursday. Instead, I opened the door to find Big I's teacher standing on my porch.
I was shocked to see her, but invited her in.
Last week, she was out sick on Thursday and Friday, when everything was going down between Big I and 'J.' She had gone into school to take care of their classroom hamster and decided to check her email. When she saw my email about the incident at school, she was livid, so livid that she ripped 'J's' desk away from the other kids and put her back in a corner by herself.
Big I's teacher adores her and she is the type of teacher every parent hopes for when it comes to their child. She is super knowledgeable about many different content areas, and she runs a tight ship in the classroom. She's also developed a great relationship with Big I, one where I know she goes off to school to spend time with someone who truly cares about her.
She sat in our family room for a good 30 minutes. She wanted to get Big I's side of the story without other little ears hearing her. Apparently this kid has been a real problem all year long and this is not the first time she's been physically aggressive toward another student.
Big I's teacher said that for the foreseeable future, 'J' now has her own isolated location in the classroom. She also has a personal escort from Big I's teacher down to the bus line each day, where she'll be separated from the other kids and prevented from getting on the bus until last.
She also said she's going to talk to some of the other kids in class about sticking up for others when something bad happens to a classmate. She'd like to employ some positive peer pressure to get 'J' to straighten up. It shouldn't be a problem since the other kids in Big I's class fight over playing with her on a regular basis.
She decided, also, that if Big I has a non-serious problem, she wants her to wait until she gets home and tell me, so I can email Miss W. That way Big I doesn't appear to be tattling. Miss W. assured me that she will not allow a student to create a bullying atmosphere in her classroom and in the school. She said she's going to take care of it and will keep me informed of how it's going.
Frankly, I was shocked. Miss W. had no idea where we lived, but she knew our address and set out to find it. Seeking us out and assuring us that she's on the job went completely above and beyond the call of duty.
I'm going to take this as a sign that things will start looking up this week.
For those who have commented or emailed and asked about ways to help Lisa's family, there is now a donate button on her site where people can contribute. I know her family has serious medical bills from a 5-year cancer battle in addition to other future needs like the schooling of her daughters. If you're interested, you can go here to donate.
Also, stay tuned because Admired Martial Artists Month kicks off soon!
February 28, 2009
Heaven Just Got a New Angel
It's a sad day in the blogging world.
Lisa is gone.
I got the chance to say goodbye to her on Wednesday afternoon, and even though I knew this was coming, it doesn't make it any less upsetting. If there is one positive thing, it's that Lisa is no longer suffering.
If you're the praying kind, please say a prayer for her husband and two little girls. Something tells me they're really going to need them.
Something also tells me, they all have a very special angel looking over them from here on out.
Rest in peace, Lisa. The blogging world won't be the same without you.
February 27, 2009
Another Incredible Hulk Moment
Yesterday Big I walked in the door from school and I could tell she was upset. Immediately the tears started.
"What happened?" I asked her.
"'J' hit me hard in the face and my ear when we were in the bus line."
"What?" I asked incredulously. "How? Show me? Hit me on the stomach the way she hit you in the face."
So she did, and it was hard. She hit her with a closed fist, a hook punch to the face and ear, her newly pierced ear. Thankfully the kid doesn't really know the proper way to punch. Still though, it was hard enough. Her cheek and ear were still red, even after the bus ride home.
"Why did she do that?" I asked her.
"I don't know. I was just talking to her about what we were doing in computer class that day and she hit me and ran away."
No teachers saw this because it was the end of the day. The bus kids were all in the gym waiting to be called outside. Right after it happened, her bus was called, so she never got the chance to tell anyone. This isn't the first time something like this has happened to Big I.
This isn't out of character for this kid. All year she's been a big behavior problem in and out of class. This particular child lives only a few doors away from us. Her family is super nice, but I'm not thrilled when she frequently comes here to play. She's loud, obnoxious, treats Lil C like crap and isn't even particularly nice to Big I. The past few times she's shown up, I've sent her home.
I felt like I was going to turn into the incredible hulk. I wanted to storm out of the house and down the street and go completely ballistic. Instead, I composed a very to the point email to the principal and to Big I's teacher. As of this morning, they're already on the job and taking appropriate actions. Because it happened at school, I think it's probably best that the school people deal with it, but it doesn't make me feel any less like going all green hulk and beastlike on that kid.
After the tears stopped, I asked Big I why she didn't defend herself. "You've had four years of karate classes! Why didn't you block the punch or at the very least get out of the way?"
"It happened so fast Mommy," she said.
"Punches don't happen slow Big I! They never do."
I understand that she was just talking to someone who hauled off and hit her, but still! We spent the next 20 minutes trading punches and working on simple things like getting out of the way all the way up to blocking that punching arm and restraining the person.
I really don't understand kids these days, especially girls. My kids would never dream of hitting someone, especially not Big I. Girls are incredibly catty at this age. Big I is always coming home and telling me how certain girls are trying to "steal her" away from other friends and how someone is always telling secrets and hurting feelings. Sometimes I feel like I am the only parent out there teaching my kids not to be like this. Why are some kids such jerks at such young ages?
I know what the casual reader is thinking too, that as a parent I probably see my child through rose-colored glasses, but this is simply not the case. Big I really is that sweet. She practically has a halo on her head. I would never claim the same thing for Lil C, so that's how you know I'm telling it like it is.
I gave Big I specific instructions for the day as she was getting on the bus.
"Play with the boys today. Stay away from the drama. If the girls start telling secrets and acting stupid, walk away."
She nodded in agreement; but I know she is extremely outnumbered when it comes to catty vs. non-catty kids.
The ironic part of this whole thing happening yesterday. . . last night was Big I's last night at karate. She's taking a break for a while. It made last night that much harder for me.
February 25, 2009
The Trouble with Getting Involved
In my Composition class last semester, we spent a couple weeks debating and writing position papers about issues. Some of them were touchy. Students were asked to read two essays each featuring an opposing viewpoint. Then, they were divided up into groups. Depending on how students felt about the issue, some students were forced to take a look at and create arguments to support something they felt the opposite about. It was a great exercise in critical thinking skills and students learned that the best way to make their argument stronger was to study the opposition.
One of the issues that the students wanted to tackle was altruism. Do people help other people out of the goodness of their hearts or do they do it for selfish reasons, to feel good about themselves for helping someone else?
This was the hottest debate of all the issues in class. I had several EMTs in the class and they were extremely vocal about their own personal experiences. They didn't do what they do, sometimes putting themselves in sticky situations, for themselves. They did it to help others. A selfless act. Period.
To introduce this issue, I told the students a personal story that I'd like to share with you too.
When I was a freshman in college, a scary thing happened on campus one day. I was returning to my dorm at the University of Pittsburgh and I noticed a large crowd of people standing around the lobby and the entrance to the cafeteria. In order to get to my dorm, I had to walk through the crowd of people. I figured it was just an exciting menu that day (as if that was possible), but I was very wrong.
When I got closer to the crowd, I realized that the people were gathered around a fight. There were at least 50 people standing in a circle around the fight, maybe more. I got a good look at what was going on inside the circle and it wasn't pretty. A group of guys, who clearly didn't belong on campus, and who definitely were not students at Pitt were beating the living daylights out of a freshman student. There were three guys beating up this one kid and he was not looking good.
He staggered around barely able to stand. Blood was coming out of his nose and mouth. His eyes were already swollen. His face had been beaten to a pulp. I don't know what happened before I got there, but the three guys doing the damage were taking their time with it, enjoying this kids inability to do anything but stagger around, and enjoying every drop of blood that was landing on the floor. The kid clearly needed help.
I quickly scanned the circle. I noticed some of my friends, big guys, who were standing there watching. No one was enjoying what was happening, with the exception of the three guys delivering the beating, but no one was doing anything to help.
I didn't make a conscious decision to do what I did. I just did what my body made me do. Before I knew it, I was charging into the middle of the circle, grabbing the kids arm, pulling it around my shoulder as he could barely walk, and quickly removing him from the circle. I walked him out of the circle as the group of people parted. I remember the three guys saying something, but I shot them a look and kept moving. I just had to keep moving. . . quickly. I remember screaming for people to get out of my way and looking at them incredulously. How could someone stand there and watch someone be beaten like that?
I made my way to the office where they kept the vacuum cleaners. I knew that door locked. I yelled at the woman who was working there at the window that day to "Open the door NOW!". She buzzed me in and I got the kid in the office and behind a locked door.
Moments later, the campus police and the Pittsburgh City Police arrived and began chasing the guys who were beating the kid up. A few moments after that, the ambulance arrived. They strapped that kid onto a stretcher. He didn't even know where he was as they wheeled him out to the waiting ambulance.
When it was all over, my heart was pounding and my hands were shaking. It had been terrifying, but none of that hit me until after it was over. I told the campus police what I had witnessed and then found my friends.
None of them could believe I had just walked into that circle and grabbed the kid. Personally, I couldn't believe I was the only person who did walk into that circle! When someone is in trouble, I was raised to help them. I heard it through the campus gossip that the kid spent days in the hospital and had suffered a major concussion among other injuries. He had been targeted by a bunch of thugs for no apparent reason. A bunch of jerks decided to walk onto campus and find an easy target.
I used this example to bring up the issue of altruism. I let the students ask me questions about it. I had absolutely nothing to gain by walking into that circle, but what if I hadn't? I would be haunted by the fact that I didn't help. What if one more hit to the head would have done him in completely? What if I would have allowed that to happen instead of stepping in? Did they think I had done it out of the goodness of my heart or had I done it to feel good about myself?
I told them the answer was really neither. To decide to do something for someone whether out of the goodness of your heart or for selfish reasons takes thought. There was no thought in my actions. There was just action. I never thought about the possible consequences until much later. It was just the right thing to do, and it was a complete gut reaction. From the moment I realized what was happening until the moment I entered that circle, it was only seconds.
Why do I bring this up? The Nigel Haskell McDonald's thing has me really worked up.
When I stepped into that circle, bad things could have happened. Those thugs could have targeted me. I could have been hit. I took a major risk by walking into that circle, but here's the thing, I didn't consciously make that decision. I didn't decide to move into that circle and help the kid. I just did. I know that I did the right thing.
What if one of those guys had a gun or a knife? What then? What if I had been stabbed or shot? Would people be saying I'm stupid? That I escalated the situation? That I should have waited for the cops? I'm sure they would. But when it was happening there was no choice. There was someone who needed my help and I gave it.
I'm quite certain that Nigel Haskell reacted the same way, not logically and not thinking about the possible consequences, but rather, "this is wrong" and "I need to do something." Or maybe, like me entering that circle, there wasn't even a thought until it was all over. Maybe it was his gut that moved him to come to the woman's aid like my gut moved me to help that poor guy.
In instances like this, it's very easy for those who observe to pass judgement about how a person reacted. Hindsight though, is almost always 20/20. The heat of the moment isn't quite so simple and lucid.
Given that, what would you have done if you had witnessed what Nigel Haskell did? Would you have intervened? Called the police from your cell without intervening? Ignored it altogether? What would you have done if the man continued to hit the woman? Could you have stood by doing nothing? Would you have intervened then? What's the right thing to do in a situation like this for an ordinary citizen? What's the right thing to do from a martial arts perspective?
What would you have done given the situation as it was? What would you have done if the man had continued his beating on the woman? What then? I'm all ears. I think this is an important discussion for society and especially for martial artists.
February 24, 2009
Ripping Open a Raw Wound
Two years ago this June, our friend Sheree passed away at the age of 29 after a year long battle with a terrible cancer. After getting a devastating phone call from her husband telling us she had only days left, we packed our car and kids and headed out on a 3.5 hour drive to do whatever we could to help. The day we arrived, I spent the entire day in the kitchen. I made whatever I could think of to make and had stacks of disposable food containers full of meals by the end of the day. My plan was to finish cooking and then go see her at the hospital one last time to say goodbye.
I never got my chance.
During the afternoon, we got the call from her husband that Sheree was gone. We extended our trip and stayed through three days of viewings and the funeral. We watched her two young children while her husband spent night after night at the funeral home. It was a gut-wrenching week and I won't soon forget it.
Lisa and her battle with cancer is ripping open all of these wounds once again. I met Lisa online for the first time. We were both bloggers for our local newspaper's online website. She left me a comment or two and I returned the favor. The hometown crowd could be brutal to the newspaper's bloggers so I found a supporter in her and she found one in me. When I read what her blog was about, her on-going battle with cancer, it made me heartsick. Like me, she had two young daughters too.
Last year, I met Lisa at Tequila Con 2008 in Philly. She was actually one of the very first bloggers I met in person and she lit up the room. Everyone there knew that she was battling cancer (for the 3rd time), yet you never would have known it. Lisa and her husband were an absolute joy to talk to, and I wish I would have had more time to talk to her as the night went on. As you can imagine though, Lisa was a popular girl that night. That's Lisa with the glasses.
After TC '08 we exchanged some emails. I offered my husband's services since he works in clinical research. I sent her an email full of medical studies that I thought might be of interest. I couldn't bear to watch another young mother die. I tried to think of anything I could that might help.
When she wrote about pain, I emailed her about some natural things I had heard about. I prayed nightly for a miracle-still do.
I have cautiously popped over to her blog during the past few months. A few months ago, Lisa decided it was time to accept what was happening and she entered at home hospice care. It was amazing how she expressed herself and accepted something that made me so upset and angry. It's simply not fair and it makes me mad at the world, what's happening to her and to her family.
Today, I read an update from Karl on her blog, and like I usually do when I read her blog, I cried, because it is happening again. My heart is breaking for Lisa and her family right now. I absolutely hate when my prayers aren't answered. I have tried to make myself feel better about Lisa and about Sheree by thinking that heaven must need some great moms up there. That this is why it's now her time.
Like with Sheree, I have done a heck of a lot of cooking today and am driving out to her house tomorrow. I don't expect to be able to say goodbye to her tomorrow. I imagine that she's not really feeling up to having visitors. I just hope that I can make things a bit easier on her and her family in some small way. If any of you are local and would like to make a freezer friendly meal, please shoot me an email. I'd be happy to take yours as well.
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