March 16, 2009
Why a Kid Needs to Learn to Fail Successfully
By: Ann-Marie K. Heilman, Kyoshi
Okinawa Kenpo Karate Kobudo
Heilman Karate Academy, Inc.
In talking to a parent recently about his daughter’s review for belt ranking, I was surprised that he accepted my explanation that she could not test because she did not have all the material necessary to do so. Why was I surprised? Because no matter how many times I say “review," an adult will argue that a child’s “self esteem” will be diminished if they don’t succeed at every task placed in front of them including minor ones.
In the ensuing conversation we both agreed that she had heard me say that it was only a review to check her progress. Being a coach himself, he understood the importance of high standards. However, we both agreed that somewhere things had gone wrong in coaching and that everyone was expected to “play." Not only that, but everyone was expected to “win."
I am looking at a far greater picture here and it involves both my profession as a Board Certified Behavior Analyst (you know, behavior charts, stickers for good behavior, blah, blah, blah), and my belief that a dojo cannot award mediocrity because your life may depend on what I teach you.
I am in favor of positive reinforcement. I am also in favor of failure. Why? Because I don’t think people know how to fail correctly. Failure used to mean that you worked harder to succeed at the task so that you never had that feeling again. Parents supported you through the failure and coached you to “try again” and again and again until you either succeeded or switched gears and did something else. Once again, you accepted “failure” (maybe you switched from basketball to baseball) and moved on but no one worried that your “self esteem” was damaged forever. I won’t get into that “self esteem” stuff right now. I just want to point out that I see a dangerous road here and many dojo owners are following that road without questioning why they are doing it.
For years we have been positively reinforcing good behavior, good deeds, good something and somehow, some way, we have bought into the “lets reward them for breathing because, if we don’t, their 'self esteem' will be fractured and their lives will come crashing down around them and all is lost" (and it’s the teacher’s or the parent’s fault because they didn’t teach well enough). Let me say that I don’t buy into this baloney although I once did. I have experienced enough of life to now say unequivocally that it isn’t success from which I have learned the most – it was failing and sometimes miserable (the misery was all mine until I fixed “it”, whatever needed to be redone or relearned).
What does this have to do with a dojo? As I stated, your life may, literally, depend on what I teach you. And a child who may have to resist a possible abductor may need every GOOD technique taught them, not a sticker for “trying hard."
I am deeply concerned about “our” kids today. Where are the high standards of yore when you worked and worked at a goal until you succeeded? Parents encouraged you but did not fight with the teacher (or sensei) that “but my child tried so hard!” Again, I repeat myself, what is wrong with working towards a goal until you actually succeed?
I am now seeing young adults who are literally crushed by defeat. They can’t get off their duffs and start looking for work after losing a job because they have never experienced “losing.” They don’t know how to pick themselves up, go to Plan B, or C, and go forward because all their lives they have been allowed to NOT fail; someone has pleaded their case and argued that their “self esteem” will be diminished and their lives on hold until they succeed at the task (usually instant promotion or instant “A” as in grading a paper).
Again, what has this to do with a dojo? Because the father I was speaking to regarding his daughter’s review knew that she wasn’t going to get her belt that day – there were some things that she needed to work on – and despite her complaints that she “did the best she could,” it was still not good enough. And that is why I like to call such activities “reviews.” Even the word “test” seems to have lost its meaning. Every time you are put “to the test,” are you really expecting to pass? Only if you have done the work that qualifies you to pass, I hope. You won’t get a “sticker” if your self-defense works for you on the street. You get to keep your life. If I have allowed you or your child to get belt after belt because you showed up for class and paid your dues and not because you learned the material and excelled at it, then shame on me. And if you failed a test, did you find out what you did wrong and pass with flying colors the next time you tested? Or did you quit saying the test, or the teacher/sensei was “unfair? Life is unfair. We need to teach how to go past failure and succeed.
And there ends my rant for today after opening the can of worms known as positive reinforcement for breathing or “how do I keep them in the dojo so that I can pay my bills?" If I have to keep a kid’s (or adult’s) self-esteem at a high level and not allow them to fail and promote them at every turn for techniques that are sloppy, inadequate, and downright poor – then the doors to the dojo will have to close.
For more about Kyoshi Heilman, please go here.
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March 15, 2009
Not One of Those Posts
People hate posts where you write about how you have nothing to write about. This is not one of those posts.
However, after a week of hitting the gym a couple times and attending karate two nights a week, I am completely exhausted and lacking in the inspiration department. Plus, I spent the day outside yesterday, trying to remove a few of the bazillion rocks that are in my mud pit of a yard; and now I truly do feel like scratching my own eyes out is my only option. Nine days until my allergy doctor appointment. It can't come soon enough, despite the torture I know I'm in for while there (My Mom is a nurse there-she's warned me).
We wanted to seed our yard yesterday but it's going to be too cold this week, so instead we're considering returning the seed and just installing some stadium seating. Truly, I think it would be easier to set up a real live mud pit, than it will be to have a decent yard this year. I may be wrong, but right now it's not looking good.
Tomorrow, another exciting guest post will be published here on BBM. This one is from Kyoshi Heilman and she's discussing a topic near and dear to my heart. I can't wait to put it up. Martial artist or not, you won't want to miss it.
Friday, Renovation Girl started "Find Your Happiness Friday" and if you're looking to make positive changes in your life, you'll want to check out her post and participate.
On Thursday evening, I'll be a guest on Secondhand Radio. If you're interested in attending the show, I suggest you register at Talk Shoe this week. There's a chat room and there's also a number where you can call in to ask me questions, or just chat with me and Karl. The show starts at 10 p.m. EST, and I'm sure we'll be talking about something fabulous.
Enjoy the rest of your weekend, and don't forget to leave a comment at The BBM Review. There's only one day left to enter for your chance to win one of three Spa Break gift baskets. Also, leave a post on any Admired Martial Artist post this month, and you'll be entered to win one of several great MA prizes.
March 13, 2009
Rihanna as Role Model
When the whole Chris Brown/Rihanna thing happened a couple weeks ago, there's no denying that it bothered me. I happen to like the music of both artists. There were different viewpoints all over the place. On MTV.com, there were a ton of people blaming Rihanna for what happened. It was mostly young girls and it was deplorable. There were calls for Rihanna to leave Chris Brown. She even got a scolding from the almighty Oprah. Even martial arts bloggers picked up the issue and asked whether or not it was related to some MA training Chris Brown had as a kid. It was everywhere and I felt that everything had been said about it, but I don't feel that way anymore.
Yesterday, I read an interesting post on BlogHer about Nickolodeon refusing to remove Chris Brown from the Kids Choice awards ballot despite the fact that he had been charged with a felony and pretty much admitted everything. The post mentioned a petition that was circulating asking Nickolodeon to remove him and Rihanna from the ballot. In a little over a couple hours, the petition signatures had swelled to over 12,000. Nickolodeon refused to remove Brown from the ballot, but Chris Brown eventually (after asking all his MySpace followers to vote for him) withdrew his name from consideration. I was one of the people who signed the petition.
Do I think Rihanna did anything wrong? Do I think she should be punished for getting her face rearranged by her boyfriend?
Absolutely not, but Rihanna is no role model.
According to the American Institute on Domestic Violence, 5.3 million women are abused each year. 1,232 women are killed by an intimate partner. 85-95% of all domestic abuse victims are women. Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women. According to asafeplaceforhelp.org, Every 9 seconds, a woman is battered by her husband. 42% of murdered women are murdered by their intimate partner.
I learned this in a class in college, but nearly 90% of all women in prison for murder are there because they murdered an abusive intimate partner.
We all pay for domestic violence because health-related costs of rape, physical assault, stalking, and homicide by intimate partners exceed $5.8 billion each year.
I am not naive about the impact that abuse has on the psyche of a woman. I know that this is a pattern and that many women have no way of leaving this pattern of abuse. Many women are trapped out of fear, but a lot more of them are trapped because of finances. They have nowhere to go and no money to get out.
This is not the case with Rihanna. She has the financial means to get away from him. She has body guards to protect and keep her safe. She has a family that supports her. She has a huge fan base that does too.
Yet she has chosen to stay.
I'm not blaming her for what has happened to her. I don't feel it is in any way, shape, or form her fault. Not if she threw Brown's keys out of the car, not if (like many rumor mills are saying) she gave him an STD. But that doesn't mean I have to allow her to be looked upon as a role model by my children. Is she what we aspire for our young daughters to be someday? Successful enough to support herself and then some, but choosing to stay with a man who beats her?
Not a role model.
We've probably all had a relationship at one time or another that was unhealthy. I stayed with a total jerk for a year and even went back to him years later because I thought what we had, despite all the problems we had, was love. I was very wrong.
I think it's important for girls to know the components of a healthy relationship. It's also important for them to know that what the heart may feel isn't necessarily the right thing.
Rihanna had a rare opportunity, being as famous as she is, to stand up and walk away from Brown. She had a story that could have saved girls for generations to come, from being trapped inside a bad relationship. Yet for now, she's choosing to stay in a national media spotlight as the complete opposite, and that earned both Brown and Rihanna another name on the petition.
Rihanna could have been a national spokesperson against domestic violence and she would have reached millions of young girls and boys with her powerful message. Instead, she's made herself the poster child for domestic violence and abuse, and I fear that the poster pictures of her in the future will only get worse.
I can't help but think that her song Rehab may have been reflecting her daily reality. At least her song lyrics send a different message than her choice to stay with Brown.
March 11, 2009
Our Family Is Becoming MMA
On Monday night, Big I and the rest of our family went to watch a Danzan Ryu Jujitsu class to see if she might be interested in taking some classes. I have taken a seminar or two during annual trainings in the past and it was always really cool stuff. There are plenty of moves to learn, but no kata. Interested doesn't even begin to describe how into it Big I was while watching, and even after we came home.
As she watched the two students and instructor demonstrating the things that she would learn, she sat quietly. I heard an occasional "wow, that was cool." The instructor is starting a children's program in a couple of weeks and it looks like Big I is going to be one of his first child students. Because I stayed for karate class later in the night, I didn't get to really ask her about her interest level, but I had a feeling she was hooked.
My suspicion was confirmed yesterday as she asked Mr. BBM if she could try out a couple of the moves she learned on Monday night. He grabbed her arm and she made him take a seat on the ground in mere seconds. She's definitely excited about starting jujitsu, and I am thrilled she's staying with the martial arts in one form or another.
On Monday night, after watching jujitsu for a while, I went upstairs to karate class. There were only four of us and we worked on bo kata and bunkai. There's nothing quite like bunkai to realize how many cobwebs have grown in the karate portion of your brain. Lacking practice and polish, I hit Ikigai on the ankle with my bo twice. I said "sorry" too. Here's hoping that push-ups for sorry's isn't instituted anytime soon.
When class was finished, I asked the very forgiving Ikigai to help me get Chounokun back in my head. It took a good 20-30 minutes, but I left the dojo reaquainted with the kata enough to be able to come home and get through it on my own.
I've decided that I'm going to run through all the kata I know well every day. I'm avoiding the ones where parts have gone missing. I don't want to practice and repractice it the wrong way. If I keep doing that, then hopefully the cobwebs will clear a little faster.
Through it all, my knee has been holding up great. I'm wearing my brace and that has provided a little extra support of the mental and physical variety. The most uncomfortable thing so far has been the rei at the beginning of each kata, class, etc. I just don't have the same extension I have with the other leg. Without even realizing it, I tend to try to make the legs match and my left knee always protests with a big enough shot of pain to remind me to knock it off.
I can't tell you though, how nice it is to replace knee bruising with some bo bruising on the arms. I didn't think it was possible to be happy about the bo bruising, but this is one girl happy to have some bo bruising back in her life. It's about time.
Don't forget to leave a comment over at The BBM Review for your chance to win one of three Spa Break baskets.
Also, leave a comment on any of the Admired Martial Artists' posts and you'll be entered to win one of several great MA prizes.
March 10, 2009
Beverages, Bathrobes, and Party Crashers
Eleven women. No kids. No husbands. Add a spa and you have a weekend to remember.
This past weekend was the annual trek to the Hershey Hotel and spa. A bunch of my girlfriends from Pitt planned it last year and I was unable to attend. This year, I committed to the weekend months in advance because I knew I couldn't miss it.
We arrived on Friday evening and spent the night sitting in the middle of our three hotel rooms and having beverages, lots and lots of "beverages." One of my friends brought the board game "I've Never." If you haven't ever played the game "I've Never" then just imagine being about 12, at a party, and it's your turn to go into the closet with some random boy for "7 minutes in Heaven," not that I've ever done that or anything (Ok, so I did it once, but we both sat there under the coats and talked about ice hockey. I kid you not). The uneasiness and discomfort of that junior high scenario. . .can you remember that. . . well "I've Never" is the adult version when it comes to uncomfortable situations.
Clearly I didn't have enough of those beverages on Friday; and clearly, women are way worse than men when it comes to talking about sex. Clearly.
Also, there was much discussion about important things like how to solve the economic crisis in our country. Don't worry. These girls are on the job.
Actually, I believe they're debating lime or no lime. Or not.
Saturday morning, I was up before eight, dressed and out the door. The Hotel Hershey had a really nice fitness center and I was going to get my money's worth. On Friday evening, one of my friends said she would come along with me, but that was a beverage-induced affirmative. Saturday morning found most of my fellow girls either still sleeping or having a desperate need to stay horizontal.
They got some amusement out of me showing up in my "Lazy Sucks-Just Do It" t-shirt before heading off to the gym. At 8:15 a.m. I started my workout. I spent some time walking and running on the treadmills that overlooked the Hershey gardens. I made my way around the fitness center trying to figure out their equipment (Note to future hotel guests-the slant board sucks). At 9:30 a.m., I returned to the room with an apple to find my room still completely dark. They were awake, but no one was moving very fast.
Many of the girls thought I was insane to go to the gym so early on a day when I could have slept in, but the truth of the matter is that being able to get up and go to the gym without having to get other little people dressed and to sitters or Kidzone was like a little slice of heaven.
Soon after I returned, it was time to hit the spa.
We were shown to a locker room where we changed into bath robes and slipper/sandal things. Then we were given a tour of the spa and told where to wait until we were called for our spa appointments. It was 11 a.m. and after a hard workout and only an apple I was starving, but as soon as I picked up a muffin my massage guy came to get me.
Yes, I said guy.
In the past, I've always had a woman whenever I've gone to get a massage. The guy was super nice and he did a good job, but I just couldn't relax the way I was able to when it was a woman. After the massage, I met up with my friends and we had lunch outside, in our bathrobes. To say that dining in such attire, or lack thereof, felt weird, would be the understatement of the century. At one point, I told my friend it kind of felt like we were in a mental institution, let out for some fresh air or something.
After lunch, I spent some time in the steam room, dry sauna, hot tub and pool. It was a relaxing afternoon and I was sorry to see it end. That's all of us, minus the one working the camera.
For dinner, we went to the Forbay restaurant at the Hershey Lodge. My dinner was spectacular, but the highlight of my weekend came after we arrived back at the hotel.
The lounge was featuring a jazz band as the live entertainment and upon entering, we brought the median age down to around 70. I ventured off to find a restroom with two of my friends when we happened to walk by a banquet room where there was an awesome band playing.
"We should totally crash that party," I said to my friends. We laughed about it between the bathroom stalls, but as we were about to walk by it again, we couldn't help but linger a bit longer. We started dancing out in the hallway and before you know it, and much to my surprise, my friend Kim strutted right into the banquet room and onto the dance floor. I was happy to follow her.
At first we thought it was a wedding we were crashing but a quick glance of the room revealed there was no bride. Another one of my friends ventured off to find out exactly what kind of party we had crashed and found out that we had crashed an "Auto Traders Association's" annual banquet.
It was obvious that the three of us were the best thing to happen to that party. One of the guys from the band came out on the floor, took our purses and put them up on stage (to keep us there), and practically begged us to stay. They kept playing songs "for the crashers," and we spent the night dancing to jazzed up Santana, Amy Winehouse, and Christina Aguilera tunes. At one point, the main band guy wanted to "slow it down" and when I protested he found me a dance partner.
I found out more about my friend Kim at that crashed banquet than ever before. First, she can dance like Tina Turner, better actually. In fact, I spent the rest of the weekend calling her "Tina." Second, she's up for anything once you get her out of her shell. Third, that girl can play a mean tambourine.
Needless to say, it was quite fun.
I came home yesterday afternoon to an empty house and was able to snag a decent nap before Mr. BBM got home with the girls. I woke up thinking that the spa weekend was really nice, but that party crashing might just be my new calling.
To be entered to win your very own Spa Break Basket, head on over to The BBM Review for all the details and leave a comment telling me why you deserve a spa break.
To be entered to win one of several great martial arts prizes, please leave a comment on any of the Admired Martial Artists posts.
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