March 13, 2009
Rihanna as Role Model
When the whole Chris Brown/Rihanna thing happened a couple weeks ago, there's no denying that it bothered me. I happen to like the music of both artists. There were different viewpoints all over the place. On MTV.com, there were a ton of people blaming Rihanna for what happened. It was mostly young girls and it was deplorable. There were calls for Rihanna to leave Chris Brown. She even got a scolding from the almighty Oprah. Even martial arts bloggers picked up the issue and asked whether or not it was related to some MA training Chris Brown had as a kid. It was everywhere and I felt that everything had been said about it, but I don't feel that way anymore.
Yesterday, I read an interesting post on BlogHer about Nickolodeon refusing to remove Chris Brown from the Kids Choice awards ballot despite the fact that he had been charged with a felony and pretty much admitted everything. The post mentioned a petition that was circulating asking Nickolodeon to remove him and Rihanna from the ballot. In a little over a couple hours, the petition signatures had swelled to over 12,000. Nickolodeon refused to remove Brown from the ballot, but Chris Brown eventually (after asking all his MySpace followers to vote for him) withdrew his name from consideration. I was one of the people who signed the petition.
Do I think Rihanna did anything wrong? Do I think she should be punished for getting her face rearranged by her boyfriend?
Absolutely not, but Rihanna is no role model.
According to the American Institute on Domestic Violence, 5.3 million women are abused each year. 1,232 women are killed by an intimate partner. 85-95% of all domestic abuse victims are women. Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women. According to asafeplaceforhelp.org, Every 9 seconds, a woman is battered by her husband. 42% of murdered women are murdered by their intimate partner.
I learned this in a class in college, but nearly 90% of all women in prison for murder are there because they murdered an abusive intimate partner.
We all pay for domestic violence because health-related costs of rape, physical assault, stalking, and homicide by intimate partners exceed $5.8 billion each year.
I am not naive about the impact that abuse has on the psyche of a woman. I know that this is a pattern and that many women have no way of leaving this pattern of abuse. Many women are trapped out of fear, but a lot more of them are trapped because of finances. They have nowhere to go and no money to get out.
This is not the case with Rihanna. She has the financial means to get away from him. She has body guards to protect and keep her safe. She has a family that supports her. She has a huge fan base that does too.
Yet she has chosen to stay.
I'm not blaming her for what has happened to her. I don't feel it is in any way, shape, or form her fault. Not if she threw Brown's keys out of the car, not if (like many rumor mills are saying) she gave him an STD. But that doesn't mean I have to allow her to be looked upon as a role model by my children. Is she what we aspire for our young daughters to be someday? Successful enough to support herself and then some, but choosing to stay with a man who beats her?
Not a role model.
We've probably all had a relationship at one time or another that was unhealthy. I stayed with a total jerk for a year and even went back to him years later because I thought what we had, despite all the problems we had, was love. I was very wrong.
I think it's important for girls to know the components of a healthy relationship. It's also important for them to know that what the heart may feel isn't necessarily the right thing.
Rihanna had a rare opportunity, being as famous as she is, to stand up and walk away from Brown. She had a story that could have saved girls for generations to come, from being trapped inside a bad relationship. Yet for now, she's choosing to stay in a national media spotlight as the complete opposite, and that earned both Brown and Rihanna another name on the petition.
Rihanna could have been a national spokesperson against domestic violence and she would have reached millions of young girls and boys with her powerful message. Instead, she's made herself the poster child for domestic violence and abuse, and I fear that the poster pictures of her in the future will only get worse.
I can't help but think that her song Rehab may have been reflecting her daily reality. At least her song lyrics send a different message than her choice to stay with Brown.
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Abuse goes so much deeper than physical…she may not be able to mentally get away from him. I’ve known women who were in abusive relationships- mental and physical- for up to 8 years before finally leaving, and I know those are the lucky ones. It has nothing to do with money or physical ability. They’re manipulative; they are those kinds of men who can hone in on the biggest insecurity a woman has and uses it to their advantage. They are liars and they are actors. And it can happen to the most intelligent women; all it takes is a little bit of insecurity to get caught in that web.
I know it’s difficult to understand; I know that I personally wouldn’t stay in a relationship like that. I ditched many a boyfriend at the very first signs of control and abuse. But not all women are like us. It’s difficult not to judge. Getting to know the women who have been in those relationships really changes your perspective. I can pretty much guarantee you that there is much more going on than the physical abuse, and she is just a human being, after all; she may have a lot of money, but that doesn’t mean that she’s stronger than the rest of us.
I cannot tell you how glad I am to see your post on this. I agree with you, 100%. What I do want to add, is that leaving is a lot harder than it appears to someone who’s outside the relationship. That, and this is something which could happen to *anyone*.
I know why Rihanna went back. It breaks my heart, but I understand. Because for thirteen years, I was in an abusive relationship myself. Before my marriage, I’d been an extremely strong, independent woman. I’d worked with self-defense classes in college. I was a blue belt in taekwondo. I could’ve defended myself; I could’ve walked away. But I did neither. I loved him, you see, I loved him so much that each time he apologized, each time he said it’d never happen again, I believed him. I *wanted* to believe him. It took him starting to hit our son before I had the strength to walk away. Even then, I didn’t want to go, but I knew I had to.
It breaks my heart to see a young woman caught in that emotional trap. I agree that we don’t want her to be a role-model for our daughters. But she doesn’t deserve the blame she’s gotten.
We need to teach our children, our daughters *and* sons that domestic violence is never okay. We teach our kids about contraception and STD’s; no we need to teach them what a good relationship is supposed to be like and how to determine whether your current relationship is a good one or not.
Cheri Arbuckle
http://www.martialartess.com/blog
I cannot tell you how glad I am to see your post on this. I agree with you, 100%. What I do want to add, is that leaving is a lot harder than it appears to someone who’s outside the relationship. That, and this is something which could happen to *anyone*.
I know why Rihanna went back. It breaks my heart, but I understand. Because for thirteen years, I was in an abusive relationship myself. Before my marriage, I’d been an extremely strong, independent woman. I’d worked with self-defense classes in college. I was a blue belt in taekwondo. I could’ve defended myself; I could’ve walked away. But I did neither. I loved him, you see, I loved him so much that each time he apologized, each time he said it’d never happen again, I believed him. I *wanted* to believe him. It took him starting to hit our son before I had the strength to walk away. Even then, I didn’t want to go, but I knew I had to.
It breaks my heart to see a young woman caught in that emotional trap. I agree that we don’t want her to be a role-model for our daughters. But she doesn’t deserve the blame she’s gotten.
We need to teach our children, our daughters *and* sons that domestic violence is never okay. We teach our kids about contraception and STD’s; now we need to teach them what a good relationship is supposed to be like and how to determine whether your current relationship is a good one or not.
Cheri Arbuckle
http://www.martialartess.com/blog
You’re right about her being only human after all. I understand the mental aspects of it. I’m just disappointed that she didn’t walk.
BBM
Thanks for your comment. You are uniquely qualified to discuss this issue, and I’m glad that you left. I don’t at all agree with the blame she is getting for what happened, but the path she’s chosen right now leaves me no choice but to say, “Don’t be like her.” I just wish it had been the other way. Imagine what a great example she would have been for women in that situation, for her to say, “I don’t care if he’s Chris Brown. He hit me. I’m gone.” It’s just a huge missed opportunity and as sorry as I feel for her, I feel even worse for those who look to her as an example.
Sigh. It all just sucks.
BBM
I can not understand why there is any support for Chris Brown in all of this.
I can’t either.
BBM
THANK YOU!
Rhianna had an amazing opportunity to come out of this mess by making herself a spokeswoman for domestic violence. She had/has the power to make herself a role model for girls who sorely need someone positive to look up to. Instead, she opted to stay with this loser. It makes me really sad to think about the message young girls (and even adult women in abusive relationships) are getting from all of this.
I was never really a fan of Chris Brown’s music, but I genuinely liked Rihanna. Now I cringe and change the station when either of their songs come on the radio. I hear what Donald Trump is saying when he told reporters he wishes Rihanna would fail going forward.
I think you’d like to see this article: http://perezhilton.com/2009-03-13-boston-kids-are-misguided-blame-rihanna
(Yes, I read Perez Hilton, and no, I’m not ashamed.)
I agree with you that Oprah shouldn’t have derided Rihanna. I agree with you that Chris Brown should have been removed from the ballot right away. I agree with you that those who blamed her are wrong to do so.
I was with you for the first half of your post, but can’t understand how you got to the conclusion. You start off defending her and being sympathetic. “Did Rihanna do anything wrong?” I agree with you: absolutely not. The more information that comes out, the more clear it is that she’s the victim. She didn’t invite this abuse. She’s a teenager who clearly doesn’t have the support system or the life experience to handle a very bad, scary situation.
And then you blame her and scold her and from the safety of your keyboard, saying she’s a bad example??? Seriously? She’s somehow doing this wrong? Handling it wrong? Not a good enough role model? What a double standard.
Personally, I think that the best thing Rihanna could do is surround herself with people who care about her and ignore anyone who is presuming to judge her or her actions. The last thing on her mind right now should be whether she’s a good role model or not. You wouldn’t ask a drunk man for advice on overcoming alcoholism. In the same way, give the girl some time to get her own life in order and then, in 10 or 15 years when she actually has some experience overcoming the issues she’s having now, she might provide the positive influence you guys are looking for.
First, she’s not a teenager. Brown is.
Second, I’m not blaming her at all. That is not my point. My point is that just because I don’t blame her, doesn’t mean I have to look to her as a role model or that other girls should as well. Do you want your daughter to be like her?
What I’m saying is that she doesn’t have a lot of the reasons why women tend to stay in those relationships. Messed up mentally from an abusive guy? Check. But all the other stuff that she has is something that most women in this situation don’t have: money, support, body guards for goodness sake. How many battered women can say they have those? Given all the resources she does have, I think many of the women in these types of situations would go. That’s what I’m saying.
I feel sorry for her, and while I understand that battered women are messed up more mentally than physically, I’m still allowed to be disappointed in what am amazing opportunity she had to walk and chose not to. I think I state quite clearly who I do blame and it’s the a-hole who hit her in the first place.
BBM
Okay… she just turned 21 in February. Sorry. From my perspective, she’s little more than a child. Just a kid. She’s newly famous. She’s newly rich. She’s in a bad spot emotionally (clearly), physically, and likely mentally. Cut the kid some slack. We see plenty of young people overwhelmed by the fame and the fortune… too many commit suicide or self destruct. Add to the fame and fortune an abusive boyfriend and I’m just amazed you’re being so hard on her.
The other point is that, of course, she’s not a positive role model. Jesus. She’s in an abusive relationship. Give the girl some time to sort it out, for Pete’s sake. Instead of writing her off as a bad role model now, give her a chance to figure it out. Maybe in 5 years or 10 years she’ll be the role model you’re looking for, an advocate for other kids who are in abusive relationships, and the voice of hope you seem to believe she should be now. It’s like asking a soldier in the trenches of warfare to be an advocate for PTSD even while struggling with it. Let him get home and handle it for himself before asking him to help others suffering from the same.
Hey Black Belt Mamma,
Just stumbled on your site. Really interesting read – though there’s a lot for me to catch up on here 😉
On the current topic, I think the general problem of violence against women is all just another reason why martial arts can be such a beneficial and empowering thing for females.
I mean, beyond the obvious benefits of self-defense, I think martial arts have a lot to offer in helping women overcome insecurity and other issues that often drive them to stay in abusive relationships.
Keep up the great posts. It’s always nice meeting other martial arts chicks in cyberspace.
Hey BBM,
It’s a really interesting point you’ve touched on – Rihanna’s wasted ability to be a strong role model. I don’t know a huge amount about the incident so I won’t go into the ‘victim’ aspect of the matter (all couples have different standards of whats acceptable…a little twisted sometimes but true).
I think she made a great first step by going to the police and actually reporting the incident (which is something that is surprisingly rarely done). I remember speaking to various policemen some years back and one point they made clear is that the police aren’t hugely useful in a lot of crimes (fights, street rapes, muggings) but, one issue that they can really help in is that of domestic abuse – the reason being, domestic abuse isn’t often a random one-time incident but rather a continuing series of incidents.
In this time where celebrities are role models, it’s important that they give off the right message. I completely understand that Rihanna is human too but as you mentioned, she has every support network imaginable. And on top of that, she took a step in the right direction (by making the incident known) but sadly, decided to take a few steps back and put herself in a terrible position.
It’s terrible to hear that some have suggested that Brown’s MA training is partly responsibile – that’s just ridiculous. Clearly, from the report – MA wasn’t used, it was an almost primal form of aggression…In fact, I’m not even sure how much a little self defence training would have helped her given the circumstances…compared to Rihanna, Chris Brown is a pretty huge guy – hurting him may have just worsened the severity of the attack…
But back to the point – neither should be considered a role model (I wasn’t big fans of them as role models in the first place!) but I guess we do have to realise they’re both just human.
“The other point is that, of course, she’s not a positive role model.”
That’s my point.
What my internet acquaintances may not know about me is that I worked for Sexual Assault Services while a student at Pitt. I trained new volunteers, gave presentations on dating violence to freshman, football teams, fraternities, and other colleges. I used to tell people, “A woman can walk down the street wearing nothing but saran wrap. Is she asking for attention? Definitely. Is she asking to be violated in some way. Never.
I would never blame a victim of dating violence. Clearly, I am not blaming her or being hard on her. I’m just stating what you did in your comment. At least for right now, she’s not a role model.
BBM
Thanks Krista! You’re so right about MA. Nice to meet you too!
BBM
Agreed that they’re both human and neither are role models.
The unfortunate part of the incident is that had she not been messed up enough to have to go to the hospital, it probably wouldn’t have been reported. She has denied a protection from abuse order and doesn’t want to press charges. Thankfully, the law allows the state to move forward with charges based on the physical evidence alone. Here’s hoping Brown doesn’t just get a slap on the wrist.
BBM
Nicely said. You summed up my thinking.
Instead of viewing her as a role model ~ she’s turned into a “cautionary tale” for our daughters. There’s still a good story for our children, just from the aspect of “this is what you don’t want to do”. I think people come through our lives for many reasons & they aren’t always meant to be upstanding role models. Unfortunately Rihanna has chosen a path that SOOOOO many people don’t want for her, but it’s her path & her choice. All we can do is use her tale as a teaching tool with our own children and loved ones.
Every time I hear their story & how other celebrities say “But he loves her” … it reminds me of the old line that one day he’ll love her to death. Maybe I’m a pessimist, but a guy is this young and already beats on women – this isn’t a behavior that will change as he gets older & his life gets harder.
Yeah, you are so not kidding about the love her to death part. Unfortunately, some people aren’t ready to go until they see it for themselves. You have a good point too about using it as a cautionary tale. I’ve already done so with my daughter.
BBM
Thank you. thank you for posting this. i thought i was alone in this. yes, there are mental aspects to abuse, but the reasons given for not leaving usually involve not having money, not having support, not having any life outside the abuser. this is not rihanna’s case. she has all of these things.
the only reason left, then, is that she just doesn’t want to leave. this makes it hard for women who do want to leave, but when the police come, and say ‘ma’am, are you sure you want to file a report?’ with that ‘i know she won’t’ look in his eyes, it makes things harder for those women.
I agree with you completely. We’re definitely not alone in our thinking on this one.
Like it or not, celebrities put themselves out there and are examples of one kind or another to the public who follow them. I just wish she had been the type of example that so many girls and women need.
BBM
I don’t really know the whole story…but I’m not going to judge someone for choosing to stay in a relationship with someone they love IF that was the one and only time he’s ever done that. I will never condone violence against anyone, but particularly women and children…yet I hardly think that because she is in the public eye, she should be ostracized because she chose to forgive her boyfriend for slipping up.
But…like I said, I don’t know the whole story. All I know is that he hit her during an argument…I don’t know how hard, how badly, how often, etc. All of that changes my opinion on the matter.