December 8, 2006

Everything you need to know about self defense, you can learn from my 14-month old

If you missed the first installment of Baby Self Defense moves, you can check it out here. Oh, how her repertoire has grown. While Big I gradually gets more and more interested in the martial arts, I’ve been getting the feeling that Lil C is not going to need any prodding to put on a gi and kick some butt. In fact, she’s been kicking some serious derriere around our household for quite some time now and her moves only seem to improve with time.

And now, without further delay, I present to you Lil C’s latest self-defense moves:

Bite ‘Til They Cry

One only needs to take a brief glance at my shoulder right now to see the type of damage that little teeth can do. We’re now up to nine teeth, with at least three more in the immediate future, and my arms are proof that Lil C has mastered the pinch bite. This technique is not the type of bite where one aims to take out a chunk of something. This bite clenches down and grabs only a teeny tiny bit of skin between the top and bottom teeth before biting down with everything she’s got. INSTANT AGONY is what results. (I am seriously considering wearing shoulder pads.)

Lead with your Head Butt

There is nothing more disorienting than a surprise direct hit from a toddler noggin. From across the room, she’ll look unsteady and unsure of her direction, but once she knows her target, it’s an all out sprint as she leads with her head and makes contact at key areas on the head and face. The cheek bones are particularly vulnerable, as is the tip of the nose and the mouth. Of course, a direct hit to the forehead can be equally punishing and Lil C knows this and knows it well.

Bladder Stomp Kick

In karate training there is a stomp kick. It’s usually used as a distraction before getting out of choke holds, wrist grabs, etc. The stomp kick is exactly what it sounds like and is used on key spots on an attacker’s foot. But Lil C has discovered something far more disturbing than a traditional stomp kick. She has perfected her technique so much that she can even do this while sleeping. (I know, I know, take a moment to catch your breath.) There are two scenarios where this move works particularly well for her:

Lil C usually makes her way into our bed sometime between 4 and 6 am each night. But sleeping in the traditional way is not her thing. She prefers to put her feet at the head of the bed, which puts her in perfect positioning for the Bladder Stomp Kick. Then something from the depths of her sleep tells her it’s time to attack and she pulls both of her legs straight up into the air, pulling them back towards her head to get even more leverage, before she lets them drop with full force onto the nearest fullest bladder. This move also works on floating ribs, and a stomp kick to the nose or eyeball is a sure way to elicit fear as well.
The second scenario where this stomp kick is particularly useful is when getting her diaper changed. Lil C waits until the old diaper has been removed and then she pulls her legs and feed up as in scenario 1. But instead of just one drop of those little lead legs, multiple kicks are dealt out in a rapid fire fashion. Blows can be felt on the legs, knees, and arms of the person changing the diaper. If proximity allows, Lil C can also deliver the classic Bladder Stomp Kick. If Mr. BBM happens to be changing her diaper at the time, a cup is advisable.

Yes, the Bladder Stomp Kick can be quite painful, but nothing compares to Lil C’s next move.

Nose Destroyer

Have you laughed while drinking soda lately? Do you know what it feels like to laugh so hard that the soda goes up your nose and causes severe burning and discomfort? What if I told you there was a way to do that without a need for soda? Have I got your attention? Because Lil C certainly got mine with this signature move.

This move comes across as an ordinary slap to the face, but the key to the destruction is in the little fingers that are delivering the slap. Lil C has perfected the art of slapping at just the right angle that she can simultaneously slap you while scratching your brain via your nose. I have never had a nose bleed in my life until Lil C pulled this move on me one day. The blood, the pain. . . you get the idea.

So for all of you searching for self defense techniques that work in real life, if a toddler can pull these off, so can you. Good Luck.

Posted by Black Belt Mama on December 8, 2006 in Action Plans | 7 Comments

December 8, 2006

Note for the Neurosurgeon

Dear Dr. Neurosurgeon:

Here’s something you don’t just casually mention after your patient (my Dad) has had a craniotomy when it’s over the phone, not in person and via another person:

"We might have to drill some more holes in your head."

Seriously, what the hell?

Sincerely,

The Patient’s Very Annoyed and Upset Daughter

Posted by Black Belt Mama on December 8, 2006 in Mental Strain for Mama | 2 Comments

December 7, 2006

Pre-Testing

I used to teach high school English. I had well over 130 students each year and stood up in front of them daily. With the exception of the first day, I was never nervous. In college, I used to speak in front of large groups, like the entire Pitt football team for one, about sexual assault of all things. Nervous? Never.

One would think that after having worked as a teacher and as a PEER Educator, standing up in front of people wouldn’t be a problem. But there is something about Pre-Testing at the dojo that is just nerve-wracking for me. I get so nervous and then I spend the entire time mentally beating myself up for every mistake, and verbally assaulting myself with each wrong move.

At one point tonight, after I had enlisted the help of a black belt with my Choun bo kata, my instructor told me to stop beating myself up from across the dojo as he helped another brown belt with her kata.

I want to be perfect. I don’t want to show up at testing and screw up. I hate that. I remember when I was a white belt, I would sometimes watch the brown belts and wonder why they didn’t remember Kata 2 or Waza 3. I thought I would surely remember everything when I was a brown belt.

But the mind is a funny thing. It holds on to things you need and then tucks them away into the depths once it’s not an immediate need anymore. . .

Or my brain is just completely fried from the whole Lil C non-napping thing. My brain needs that nap almost as much as she does. O.k. more.

Posted by Black Belt Mama on December 7, 2006 in Tales from the dojo | 4 Comments

December 7, 2006

Burn Out

It was the weekend before Thanksgiving and I was ahead of the game. I had one Christmas tree up and had plans to get out the second tree that weekend. I had visions of a relaxing holiday season, complete with cozy nights curled up by the fire with hot chocolate and gazing at the perfectly decorated Christmas tree.

Then, my Dad had to have surgery and everything got turned upside.

My Christmas decorations remained in their boxes until way after I usually get them out. Our schedule got filled up with school activities and church bake sales, Christmas plays and shows, and Home Owner’s get-togethers. Our tree was attacked by a very little destructor child.

Then Lil C decided she was not going to take naps on a regular basis, which resulted in huge headaches for me (literally), and increased whining from Big I. Lil C awake time = time that Big I and Lil C have to get on each other’s nerves = Mommy gets a major headache.

And the shopping. . . the search for the perfect holiday party dress led us on a three mall crusade that lasted for three entire shopping days. And I can almost guarantee that when I put it on, I’ll wish I had stuck with my original choice. This is what happens when you offer a stay-at-home-mom a night out. Everything has to be "perfect," kind of like my visions of a relaxing holiday season.

It is no secret that I can be incredibly grumpy when things aren’t going my way, and that’s putting it mildly. Mr. BBM has been wondering why I’m in such a bad mood lately and here are just a few of the reasons why. . .

First of all, I get up at 7 am or before to try to get a shower first thing in the morning, but it doesn’t ever work because a certain 14-month old decides that she will also get up to keep me company and did I mention that she would like to be held. I try to pull clothing on with one arm or stick Lil C in an exer-saucer where she complains and loudly while I try to get clothes on and brush my teeth. I then wake up Big I and say at least 20 times, "Hurry up, brush your teeth" and "Hurry up, get dressed," before she finally, s-l-o-w-l-y makes her way down the stairs. Then, no matter what she tells me she’d like for breakfast, she complains that I got her the wrong thing even after she just asked for what I got her. Then I say at least 40 times, "Hurry up and eat. We’re going to be late." At 7:55, this constant prodding turns into hysteria as we all struggle to get shoes and socks, coat, gloves, and hats on and make our way to the freezing cold car. On the way to school, everything is fine. Both munchkins are content. But after we drop Big I off, Lil C spends most of the ride SCREAMING her head off because on the way home, the sun is in her eyes.

Once home, I spend the rest of the morning trying to clean up from the morning "festivities" and trying to figure out when I can get a shower already because I really need and want one. Then, other things happen like:

I vacuum the living room, only to be followed by Lil C shredding an entire box of wipes and distributing them throughout the room from the safety and comfort of her port-a-crib.
I spend what feels like hours folding laundry, only to have Lil C, in one disastrous moment, traipse through the waiting-to-be-put-away piles and "fold" all the clothes herself.
Lil C has a snack and it goes something like this: One cracker for Lil C; one for the floor; one cracker for Lil C; two for the floor, and then I step on one (crackers and puffs are like land mines). . . and I end up having to mop the kitchen floor. . . again.

On a good day, only one of those will happen. On truly bad days, multiply that by ten.

Before lunch time, Lil C and I make our way out to the bus stop, which once again involves putting on coats, gloves, scarves, hats, etc. 1-year olds are not particularly happy little beings when being decked out in winter finery. It’s sort of like trying to dress a Disney Store Polly Pocket doll. Thumbs are in the wrong places and you’re feeling lucky if the clothing even stays on.

At the bus stop, Lil C is thrilled to see her sister, but when she is not allowed to get on the bus, the excitement quickly turns to a threatening tantrum and our walk back home is full of screaming, squirming and other "fun."

And that’s just my morning.

Add to that the busy holiday season and all the pressure and stress that comes along with it, and you’ve got one very disgruntled, burnt out, in need of a spa MONTH mama.

Pass the Advil please.

Posted by Black Belt Mama on December 7, 2006 in Mental Strain for Mama | 6 Comments

December 4, 2006

Overheard at the BBM Household

Mr. BBM: (Going from room to room after getting home from work.) Why are all the lights on in every room? Geez, you even have a radio on down here (family room). . . followed by inaudible ranting. . .

Big I: (from upstairs) Daddy? Because we’re noisy, messy, and we forget about stuff.

I couldn’t have said it better myself.