Trust Your Gut: Keeping Safe in an Unsafe World
Years ago I read Gavin de Becker's book "The Gift of Fear." If you haven't ever read it, you really should. I had seen him on the Almighty Oprah and listened intently to her interview with him. He talked about the presence of a sixth sense, and said how when something is wrong, people can sometimes pick up on it if they allow themselves to trust their gut. He said that women have an uncanny ability to do this, and that it is largely responsible for saving the lives of many women who have been in bad situations and figured a way to avoid or get out of it, simply by paying attention to that inner voice.
This week, my inner voice was talking loud and clear to me while at the grocery store.
I was at the grocery store during the middle of the day with Lil C. One might think that the middle of the day is a safe time to go grocery shopping. However, when I was pregnant with Lil C, a woman was abducted at 3:30 in the afternoon from my previous grocery store. Two men approached her in the parking lot, held a gun to her back and told her to get in the back seat of her own car. They then drove her around for nine hours, showing her off to their friends, as if she were some type of trophy or something. After nine hours, they parked the car and walked away, never to be caught. She was shaken, but physically unharmed. It terrified me because this was also around the time that the news media was buzzing with stories about crazy people cutting babies out of women's stomachs. Needless to say, I made Mr. BBM go to the grocery store for a while after that and I was even more aware than usual of my surroundings whenever I found myself in a parking lot.
This week, I was hyper aware of a young man who seemed to be following me around the grocery store. The thing that brought him to my attention, besides the fact that I could literally feel him looking at me, was the fact that my cart was loaded with groceries as I grabbed a couple things from each aisle. He lacked a cart or even a basket and instead just carried a bar of soap and deodorant around the entire store.
It seemed odd to me that I was running into him in each and every aisle when these were the only two things he was going to buy. Something was definitely not right. I kept my purse tightly on my shoulder, and my cart right with me at all times. I made sure to make eye contact with him a couple times. I wanted him to know that I was aware of his odd behavior. He would always look away quickly, but yet there he was, in the next aisle.
As I finished up and picked a checkout aisle, there were several aisles open around me. Yet, despite a full cart, he got in line behind me. There were at least three other aisles where he could have checked out faster. I was starting to get nervous.
Then it got worse. I noticed another young man, dressed much like the guy behind me, standing out in the grocery store lobby. He was holding the pay phone in one hand and staring into the store in my direction. My checkout girl was taking her sweet time, plus they had to run a check on one of my products, yet the guy still stayed behind me. I kept an eye on the guy in the lobby and noticed that despite the fact that he was holding the phone receiver to his mouth, he wasn't talking at all.
I turned around and looked at the guy behind me again. I wanted him to know that not only did I realize he was acting strange, but that I suspected something was up. I gave him a steady look. I also wanted him to know that I would be able to identify him if he tried anything.
Meanwhile I was trying to figure out what exactly I should do. Usually when I'm at the store, there's a very nice guy who takes care of the carts who will offer to walk out with me and help load my car. He's a total sweetheart and I looked around for him but didn't see him anywhere. It figured that it would be his day off.
Then Lil C made the announcement that she had to go to the bathroom. I finished checking out and asked my checkout girl if she would keep an eye on my cart. I parked it at customer service and took Lil C to the bathroom. I figured it would give me time to think and the guys would maybe disappear.
While walking Lil C to the bathroom, I questioned whether or not I was overreacting. But all of the things together seemed very odd. I decided I was being rightfully cautious.
We finished in the bathroom and I walked back to the front of the store to get my cart. The two guys were nowhere to be found. I had a brief moment where I allowed myself to believe they were completely gone; but I decided I still needed a plan.
I got my car keys out, jammed a long pointy key between each of my knuckles in my right hand and made a fist. I put my thumb nail on the panic button for my car alarm. I was prepared to land that fist in someone's throat if I was threatened and in danger. I told Lil C I was going to put her in the car and that I needed her to get herself buckled quickly. I waited until I saw a big non-suspicious looking guy walk out of the store and went right behind him.
I comforted myself with the fact that I had parked right in front of the store, only four spaces away, and that there were plenty of people buzzing around. I also know though, how quickly things can happen and that often, people don't want to get involved.
I took a good look around the lobby, saw neither of the guys, scanned the parking lot and didn't see them there either. I thought it was a good time to go.
I walked quickly, making sure that I was constantly scanning the area, even behind me. I unlocked my car with the automatic key opener, quickly deposited Lil C in her seat, threw my purse in between the seats, and closed and locked the doors. I took another look around, and that's when I saw him.
The guy who had been on the phone was now standing outside the store. He was looking right at me. I met his eyes, and didn't take them off of him as I made my way to the back of the car. My heart began to pound, yet I knew what I was going to do if my suspicions were correct. I unlocked the trunk with my key instead of unlocking the entire car, jammed the keys back in between my fingers, and began loading my groceries. I called to Lil C to get buckled and she said she was ready to go. I didn't take my eyes off of him while loading, except to quickly scan the other directions to look for the other guy.
I unloaded the groceries, shut the trunk and locked it. I always park beside the cart return so I don't have to walk far from the car, so I pushed my cart in and quickly got in my van and locked the door.
Without wasting a second, I started the car and took one last look at the guy before backing out. I kept my eye on him with my rear-view mirror to make sure nothing suspicious was going on. I didn't want to be followed. I drove home a different way, keeping my eye on the cars behind me. When I was convinced that I wasn't being followed, I went home and pulled in my garage.
It had been a completely nerve-wracking visit to the grocery store. Usually the most stressful thing I have to deal with is keeping Lil C from jumping out of the cart and gorging herself in the cookie aisle.
Was it possible I was overreacting a bit to these two guys and their intentions? Maybe. But I would much rather be prepared for anything and have nothing happen, than be the Mom in the parking lot who is caught off guard.
So what are some things that you can do to protect yourself in these types of situations? There are lots of things you can do, things that I do every time.
Always make sure you walk with confidence:There was an article on AOL the other day about how muggers pick and choose their victims based on how they walk. Walk with your head up, don't be distracted by your cell phone, IPOD, or by digging in your purse. People who walk with confidence and meet other people with eye contact are less likely to be attacked.
Be aware of where you park: People who forget where they park and spend time wandering to find their car, people who park in areas that are not well lit, and people who park in areas where there are places where people can easily hide are more likely to be targeted. I always try to park as close as possible to the store, in an area that is well lit and easily seen by many people. I also have a thing about parking next to creepy looking vans, work trucks, etc. I just don't do it. You have seen Silence of the Lambs right?
Be aware in general: If something sets off your sixth sense, it's wise to pay attention. It's also wise to scan the parking lot as you walk, letting everyone in the area know you are alert and aware.
The Key Fist: If you don't know how to throw a good punch, learn how. A good well placed punch if something does happen is a wonderful thing. A fist that contains a key between each knuckle and then aimed at the neck or eye area is golden when it comes to a true threat. Having your thumb on the panic button for your car is also a good idea. Talk about a rude awakening for someone stupid enough to try something against a woman armed like that!
Trust Your Gut: If you think something is suspicious, don't dismiss it. That feeling may just save your life. In hindsight, I probably should have asked someone from the store to walk out to my car with me. I did make sure I was walking out with a big non-threatening looking guy though when I did finally make my move to the parking lot. But don't feel silly if you feel threatened. Most grocery stores are happy to provide customers with a little help getting to their cars.
Always Have a Plan: Sure, you can drive yourself nuts, being paranoid and overreacting about each and every person who is slightly suspicious. But if you create a general plan of action for these types of circumstances, you won't feel so freaked out if and when you do need to set a plan into action.
Don't Linger: Once you're in the car, lock the doors immediately and GO! Women who linger in parking lots make themselves targets. Parking lots are not good places to mess with the stuff in your wallet, make a quick phone call, or fix your make-up. Almost every self defense expert I've ever heard talk about this has said that women spend a ridiculous amount of time in their cars before they actually turn the key and leave. Don't dilly dally.
Lock the Doors: This is just plain common sense. Don't ever leave your car unlocked, not even to drop something off in the post office. Never leave your doors unlocked. It's an invitation for trouble.
Never Go to a Second Location: Gavin de Becker will tell you this and so does everyone else who knows anything about self defense. Don't ever allow yourself to be taken to another location. If things get bad and you're being attacked and abducted, your survival rate drops drastically if you let them take you to another place. Fight as hard as you can, remembering that the groin, eyes and throat are fantastic targets. Scream for help and instead of just screaming "help," scream what's happening. "He's trying to take me and I don't know him." "I'm being attacked. Someone call the police and help me!" Make yourself impossible to ignore and never give up.
For more information about Gavin de Becker, his tips and books, go here.
What other things do you do to protect yourself in the parking lot?
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Post About Tubbies? Guest Post Must Follow
Last week I wrote about the Teletubbies. Yes, the Teletubbies. I hit an all time low (I still like them though, just shh, don’t tell anyone). Anyway, I started thinking about asking someone to guest post. I mean, surely if I’m writing about the teletubbies, I could use some R & R.
So, today I bring you a guest post by a Sandan (3rd degree black belt) in Okinawan Kenpo Karate and Kobudo. He’s also a student of Muso Jikiden Eishin Ryu Kenjutsu (that’s Japanese weaponry for the non-Japanese-knowing folk). He also happens to be a former instructor and training partner, and a very good writer (if I do say so myself). So read, relax, and enjoy. Also, make sure you give him some love in the comments section when you’re done (we just might be able to get him to start his own blog!!!). I look forward to him joining us at our new school; but in the meantime, maybe he’ll be hanging out here, at the BBM lair occasionally. Now without further delay. . .
Jo: Weapon of Self-Defense for in the Home or at College
Matthew Apsokardu
Simplicity. That’s what effective self-defense is all about. In order to prepare ourselves for self-defense situations, we engage in a myriad of activities like creating action plans, increasing physical fitness, and practicing various techniques. But in the end, it is instinct that we rely on most. When instinct kicks in we utilize those actions which are most engrained in our psyche. Because of that visceral, adrenaline pumping reaction, I believe the Jo is the best weapon for self-defense in the home or dorm room.
Let’s start off with a basic definition. Generally speaking, the Jo is a four foot long wooden staff with no taper, as seen below –
Why is the Jo a good weapon for in the home?
The Jo is perfect for indoor use because it is an optimal length. Weapons like the Rokushakubo (six foot Bo) are far too long and would get caught on ceilings, surrounding furniture, etc. Furthermore, if an assailant breaking into your house manages to catch hold of the weapon, it would be difficult to generate a release, and by the time you figure something out, it’s too late. Let’s take a quick look at length comparisons –
As I mentioned, the Jo is significantly shorter than the Bo, but it is also longer than all the other weapons. An assailant wielding a short knife, machete, or baseball bat would be at an immediate length disadvantage. Until you can get your bearings and regain control of your emotions, staying out of the range of your attacker is of utmost importance.
Why use the Jo and not conventional weapons, like a gun or a knife?
The Jo is a better choice for various reasons. Let’s examine a knife first. The knife benefits from immediate cutting power and the fear it can instill in an attacker. However, in order to do damage with the knife, you must be very close. This can cause problems, especially if the attacker is stronger, faster, or has a longer weapon than you. If you are the least bit hesitant in striking your target, he will bash you with punishing physical blows and will gain control of your weapon, turning it on you. That being said, I do like the knife as a self-defense weapon. When used viciously, it can shred an opponent to ribbons. However, you have to gauge your own capacities – are you ready to cut and stab another human being?
Another problem with the knife arises in dorm rooms. If you are a student and keep a knife next to your bed or under your pillow, it had better not get discovered. Not only will your hall mates become afraid and anxious, they might also get authorities involved. You could be facing counseling, police attention, or more serious repercussions. The Jo, however, is a completely nondescript piece of wood – it could hypothetically be part of a desk you never finished assembling, or a closet rod that you didn’t need. No one will look twice as it rests unassumingly next to your headboard, and if a question does arise, there are plenty of good answers.
Now let’s look at Jo compared to a gun. The main reason I favor the Jo is simplicity. Most responsible homeowners keep there guns hidden away, unloaded, and with the safety on (especially if they have kids). Even if you have a gun nearby, you have to consider your emotional readiness to use it, just like a knife. For some people that’s no problem, but for most, the actual use of a gun results in hesitation and self-doubt.
Let’s just run a quick scenario. You’re sleeping quietly in your room with your significant other lying next to you. The door is about 6 feet away. You hear the doorknob rattling and it brings you out of sleep into a groggy state. Suddenly a black clothed man charges into the room…
…and now he is on you, striking you repeatedly.
Did you have time to retrieve your gun, switch the safety off, cock it (if necessary), aim it, and then fire? The same situation arises if the attacker is coming through the window. Now what if you had a Jo resting by your head? As the robber throws the door open you reach back and grab the Jo, and as he charges, you swing it, striking him in the head from four feet away. He stumbles back and now you’re very awake. You strike him in the hand so that he releases his weapon and then in the head again, knocking him out.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t own a gun or knife or anything like that, but the speed and distance of the Jo is ideal for situations that require quick reactions. If you hear a noise a few rooms away and have a minute or two to prepare a firearm (and you’ve assessed your willingness to use it), then a gun is certainly useful; but it’s very risky to rely solely on that.
If we go back to dorm rooms, guns are completely unacceptable. If you are found with a gun, the repercussions will be much worse than if you have a knife. Consider another scenario – if you’re a woman in college, self-defense situations are very real. One of your roommates might invite a couple of “friends” over for a party. One of those male friends might decide he wants to take advantage of you. Being weaponless in this scenario is very undesirable. Many women carry around small containers of mace, and that’s a good thing. However, the problem of reaction time and adrenaline arises again. If you are lucky enough to have the mace handy and not buried at the bottom of a book bag or purse, you have to point it in the right direction, make sure the safety mechanism is disengaged, and then fire into your attacker’s eyes (hoping it doesn’t get into your eyes as well). That’s a lot of contingencies.
An attack like this will likely occur on or near your bed. If you have a Jo sitting by your headboard, your attacker will unexpectedly receive a quick strike to the face, followed by one to the groin, before he gets a chance to put his hands on you and overpower you. Or if he is already on top of you, all you need is that one free hand to reach up, grab the Jo, and bash the butt-end of it into his face, leaving you with room to strike him further as he reels back.
Other Reasons to Like the Jo
Versatility. Tack that onto simplicity. The Jo can be used in a wide swinging motion, or a thrusting motion, or a throwing motion, and both ends can be utilized. No matter how you grab the Jo, it’s ready for action. Furthermore, it is more inherently useful than other martial art weapons. The Sai, Tunfa, Kama, etc. all have a higher learning curve. With just a little bit of training, the Jo can be nightmare for any attacker. Finally, the Jo is not a risk to children in your household. Far too often we hear about accidents where young ones cut or shoot themselves.
Get a Jo Today
You don’t have to go to Japan to get a Jo, just Home Depot. They sell dowel rods for four dollars that are cut almost exactly to four feet. Select a dowel that is at least one inch in diameter, and check the wood for any cracks or knots. Buy some sandpaper too. When you get it home, sand down the ends so that they are rounded, then sand the entire staff. If you can find a competent instructor who is familiar with Jo, try to include it in your training. At night, leave the Jo resting by your headboard, and if you are going to college or have kids that are, be sure to send them off with one.
Matthew Apsokardu can be contacted at mapsokardu@gmail.com.
Speaking Up
Two weeks ago, my husband and I took our guest for the weekend to the Musik Fest that happens every summer. The Musik Fest is awesome, featuring many national and international recording artists. Many of the performances are free. There are things for everyone to do, including music for the kids. We had a great time; but the music isn’t really what I want to tell you about.
As my friend and I were walking through the crowds, we noticed a lot of military men. They were all walking around in their uniforms in 90 degree weather, yet they looked flawless in their appearance. I have always been a sucker for a man in a uniform, so as we walked by a couple of these guys, I leaned over to my friend and told her that every time I see a military man or woman, I just want to go up to them, and thank them for all they do for this country. She agreed and told me I should.
At the next tent, we stopped to listen to a performer. There were three army guys sitting in front of me. When the performer was finished, I leaned forward, said "Excuse me" and then went on to thank them for all that they do for this country. I told them I didn’t think that they heard it enough, so I wanted to let them know how much my family and I appreciate them.
The first guy looked me in the eyes and nodded slowly as I talked to him. He looked touched that I had chosen to say that to him and his friends. His friend, standing behind him, looked completely shocked. When I was finished with my little speech, they both nodded and quietly said "thank you" and it was obvious they really meant it. I can’t tell you how good it made me feel to be able to tell them how much I appreciate them and their service. If you haven’t thanked a military man or woman, I highly recommend you take the time to do so if you happen to come across one.
If you’d like to do something more proactive, you can email military men and women through this site. Here, you’ll be paired up pen pal style with a service man or woman. You can also go here to email a soldier a thank you. If you’d like to send supplies to Iraq for school children (facilitated by our military men and women), you can find more info on how to do that here.
Our leaders make political decisions, but our soldiers are just doing their jobs and being paid next to nothing for what they do. They deserve our support and thanks. If the mood moves you, please click on one of the links above and help to make their day.
Everything you need to know about self defense, you can learn from my 14-month old
If you missed the first installment of Baby Self Defense moves, you can check it out here. Oh, how her repertoire has grown. While Big I gradually gets more and more interested in the martial arts, I’ve been getting the feeling that Lil C is not going to need any prodding to put on a gi and kick some butt. In fact, she’s been kicking some serious derriere around our household for quite some time now and her moves only seem to improve with time.
And now, without further delay, I present to you Lil C’s latest self-defense moves:
Bite ‘Til They Cry
One only needs to take a brief glance at my shoulder right now to see the type of damage that little teeth can do. We’re now up to nine teeth, with at least three more in the immediate future, and my arms are proof that Lil C has mastered the pinch bite. This technique is not the type of bite where one aims to take out a chunk of something. This bite clenches down and grabs only a teeny tiny bit of skin between the top and bottom teeth before biting down with everything she’s got. INSTANT AGONY is what results. (I am seriously considering wearing shoulder pads.)
Lead with your Head Butt
There is nothing more disorienting than a surprise direct hit from a toddler noggin. From across the room, she’ll look unsteady and unsure of her direction, but once she knows her target, it’s an all out sprint as she leads with her head and makes contact at key areas on the head and face. The cheek bones are particularly vulnerable, as is the tip of the nose and the mouth. Of course, a direct hit to the forehead can be equally punishing and Lil C knows this and knows it well.
Bladder Stomp Kick
In karate training there is a stomp kick. It’s usually used as a distraction before getting out of choke holds, wrist grabs, etc. The stomp kick is exactly what it sounds like and is used on key spots on an attacker’s foot. But Lil C has discovered something far more disturbing than a traditional stomp kick. She has perfected her technique so much that she can even do this while sleeping. (I know, I know, take a moment to catch your breath.) There are two scenarios where this move works particularly well for her:
- Lil C usually makes her way into our bed sometime between 4 and 6 am each night. But sleeping in the traditional way is not her thing. She prefers to put her feet at the head of the bed, which puts her in perfect positioning for the Bladder Stomp Kick. Then something from the depths of her sleep tells her it’s time to attack and she pulls both of her legs straight up into the air, pulling them back towards her head to get even more leverage, before she lets them drop with full force onto the nearest fullest bladder. This move also works on floating ribs, and a stomp kick to the nose or eyeball is a sure way to elicit fear as well.
- The second scenario where this stomp kick is particularly useful is when getting her diaper changed. Lil C waits until the old diaper has been removed and then she pulls her legs and feed up as in scenario 1. But instead of just one drop of those little lead legs, multiple kicks are dealt out in a rapid fire fashion. Blows can be felt on the legs, knees, and arms of the person changing the diaper. If proximity allows, Lil C can also deliver the classic Bladder Stomp Kick. If Mr. BBM happens to be changing her diaper at the time, a cup is advisable.
Yes, the Bladder Stomp Kick can be quite painful, but nothing compares to Lil C’s next move.
Nose Destroyer
Have you laughed while drinking soda lately? Do you know what it feels like to laugh so hard that the soda goes up your nose and causes severe burning and discomfort? What if I told you there was a way to do that without a need for soda? Have I got your attention? Because Lil C certainly got mine with this signature move.
This move comes across as an ordinary slap to the face, but the key to the destruction is in the little fingers that are delivering the slap. Lil C has perfected the art of slapping at just the right angle that she can simultaneously slap you while scratching your brain via your nose. I have never had a nose bleed in my life until Lil C pulled this move on me one day. The blood, the pain. . . you get the idea.
So for all of you searching for self defense techniques that work in real life, if a toddler can pull these off, so can you. Good Luck.
Everything you need to know about self defense, you can learn from my 6-month old
It has become abundantly clear in the last few weeks, that Lil C was taking some serious mental notes while in utero. She paid special attention during the many karate classes I attended while pregnant, and seems to have developed her own "action plans" in order to deal with potential threats, i.e. tickling family members. She has taken your basic self defense and turned it into a form of baby karate that I dare anyone to try to escape. She is downright wicked; and since she can’t really speak for herself as of yet, I’ll help her out. The following are her signature moves:
Ear-drum-shattering scream
When in the vicinity of an ear, emit sound from mouth that can only be described as deafening. Potential attacker (or tickler) will immediately forget his/her name and what he/she was doing in order to promptly cover ears and/or take cover, preferably in a sound proof room.
Drown them in Drool
No one can escape the endless rivers of baby drool that occur on any given day. But, get a certain baby excited and simple drool turns into bubbles and cascades of wetness that can serve as an oil-like slick to deter attacker/tickler from even approaching. If attacker/tickler is close enough, a hand full of that drool right in the eye will serve to "blur" the situation and disorient your attacker further.
The Quadruple Threat
If attacker/tickler gets within striking distance, hair pulling is always a great option. There are several ways to invoke pain and suffering with hair pulling. One technique is to grab only a small number of hairs (three or four works quite well). Before grabbing this hair, it is preferable to have enough drool in ones hand so that it will create a sort of gooey glue that adheres to the hair of choice, making a bond more efficient than even crazy glue. Another hair pulling technique is to grab at the roots. The best grabbing is done by reaching far apart with all fingers, then really digging in to those roots, followed by forming a fist around the root hairs. If creativity is lacking, just grabbing a handful in any old fashion will work. Once you have the hair in hand, proceed to pull at unpredictable intervals. If possible, bring the fists of hair to your mouth, thus rendering attacker/tickler unable to dislodge their hair from the grips of drool and fists of fury.
Now, everyone knows that this is called the "quadruple threat" and there are only two hands mentioned so far. The other two threats come from sticky little baby feet. If one can obtain hair and succeed in pulling attacker/tickler close in to the mouth area, it only makes sense to raise up those little feet of yours, spread those toes wide and grab more hair. You now have four points of attack, thus rendering your attacker/tickler incapacitated completely, and in some serious pain. Keep in mind, that if you are able to land just one of these threats, you will succeed; but for each successive appendage involved in the assault, you will multiply your success ten-fold.
The Skin Grab
This works best on arm and leg skin. An especially good location is the skin on the back of the arm, just inches from the armpit. The technique is much like in the quadruple threat. Use those sticky baby hands and grab some skin. Proceed to squeeze, twist, and if not recently trimmed, use those baby nails to really dig in. Incapacitation will occur within seconds.
This skin grab also works with the nose. Grab attacker/tickler’s nose tightly and twist. If you can jam a finger in the entrance of the nostril while doing this technique. . . bonus points.
The Eye Gouge
Nothing says, "I’m sick of listening to you reading this book to me," like a nice stubby baby finger to the eye. Make sure that your movement is swift and unsuspected for ultimate impact.
Remember, that while you are still little and deliciously adorable, these techniques will be viewed as "cute." If you can complete these actions with a smile on your face or emit a giggle-like glee from your mouth while implementing your attack, your victim will never see it coming; and the attack will be that much more successful.
Good luck!
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