April 25, 2006

Everything you need to know about self defense, you can learn from my 6-month old

It has become abundantly clear in the last few weeks, that Lil C was taking some serious mental notes while in utero. She paid special attention during the many karate classes I attended while pregnant, and seems to have developed her own "action plans" in order to deal with potential threats, i.e. tickling family members. She has taken your basic self defense and turned it into a form of baby karate that I dare anyone to try to escape. She is downright wicked; and since she can’t really speak for herself as of yet, I’ll help her out. The following are her signature moves:

Ear-drum-shattering scream

When in the vicinity of an ear, emit sound from mouth that can only be described as deafening. Potential attacker (or tickler) will immediately forget his/her name and what he/she was doing in order to promptly cover ears and/or take cover, preferably in a sound proof room.

Drown them in Drool

No one can escape the endless rivers of baby drool that occur on any given day. But, get a certain baby excited and simple drool turns into bubbles and cascades of wetness that can serve as an oil-like slick to deter attacker/tickler from even approaching. If attacker/tickler is close enough, a hand full of that drool right in the eye will serve to "blur" the situation and disorient your attacker further.

The Quadruple Threat

If attacker/tickler gets within striking distance, hair pulling is always a great option. There are several ways to invoke pain and suffering with hair pulling. One technique is to grab only a small number of hairs (three or four works quite well). Before grabbing this hair, it is preferable to have enough drool in ones hand so that it will create a sort of gooey glue that adheres to the hair of choice, making a bond more efficient than even crazy glue. Another hair pulling technique is to grab at the roots. The best grabbing is done by reaching far apart with all fingers, then really digging in to those roots, followed by forming a fist around the root hairs. If creativity is lacking, just grabbing a handful in any old fashion will work. Once you have the hair in hand, proceed to pull at unpredictable intervals. If possible, bring the fists of hair to your mouth, thus rendering attacker/tickler unable to dislodge their hair from the grips of drool and fists of fury.

Now, everyone knows that this is called the "quadruple threat" and there are only two hands mentioned so far. The other two threats come from sticky little baby feet. If one can obtain hair and succeed in pulling attacker/tickler close in to the mouth area, it only makes sense to raise up those little feet of yours, spread those toes wide and grab more hair. You now have four points of attack, thus rendering your attacker/tickler incapacitated completely, and in some serious pain. Keep in mind, that if you are able to land just one of these threats, you will succeed; but for each successive appendage involved in the assault, you will multiply your success ten-fold.

The Skin Grab

This works best on arm and leg skin. An especially good location is the skin on the back of the arm, just inches from the armpit. The technique is much like in the quadruple threat. Use those sticky baby hands and grab some skin. Proceed to squeeze, twist, and if not recently trimmed, use those baby nails to really dig in. Incapacitation will occur within seconds.

This skin grab also works with the nose. Grab attacker/tickler’s nose tightly and twist. If you can jam a finger in the entrance of the nostril while doing this technique. . . bonus points.

The Eye Gouge

Nothing says, "I’m sick of listening to you reading this book to me," like a nice stubby baby finger to the eye. Make sure that your movement is swift and unsuspected for ultimate impact.

Remember, that while you are still little and deliciously adorable, these techniques will be viewed as "cute." If you can complete these actions with a smile on your face or emit a giggle-like glee from your mouth while implementing your attack, your victim will never see it coming; and the attack will be that much more successful.

Good luck!