Getting Nervous
Yesterday the surgery center called me to do my pre-op interview. She asked me all kinds of questions that were easy to answer until she asked, "What's your pain tolerance like?"
"I don't know how to answer that," I said. "I had natural child birth twice and that was fine. ACL reconstruction surgery, however, was a completely different story."
"I'll just put 'I don't know' down," she said.
She then went on to tell me that she doesn't want me to be in pain so I should let them know if I'm in any pain after the surgery next week. She doesn't need to worry about that.
She also said I should bring along my crutches. I do not want to be on crutches again and the whole thought of all of this stuff is bringing back bad memories from last year. I want it over with in the worst way, and logically, I know that I'll be better afterwards. But I am ACL traumatized and the dread that is beginning to envelope me is a feeling I wish wasn't so familiar.
Surgery is Scheduled
The surgery to remove the protruding part of the sheath surrounding the screw in my tibia is officially scheduled for January 7th. At least I can get through the holidays without being in recent surgical pain. My PT told me that my biggest issue will be swelling but that it should disappear fairly quickly. He said it won't be nearly as bad as ACL surgery, but I'm still preparing myself for the worst. I don't want to be blindsided by pain.
I am hoping that this is the final thing I need to get me back in the dojo and on the road to feeling normal and thinking less about my knee all the time. 23 days until the knife. Let's bring it on and get it over with once and for all.
***There's a new review on The BBM Review of a martial arts book called "Me, Chi and Bruce Lee" that you should definitely check out. Don't miss it!
If I Could Just Lift My Arms
I think I went at my arm muscles a bit too aggressively yesterday at the gym. While putting cups in the cabinets, I had to stand on my toes. My arms can't go above shoulder height without my triceps screaming "down girl!" Because I am always more sore the second day after a hard workout, I am even more worried for tomorrow.
Tomorrow night is Mr. BBM's holiday party for work. This will be the first time I'll meet a lot of his colleagues. I'm hoping I can shake their hands without looking like a robot.
I think I've been taking my aggressions out at the gym and if that means throwing in an extra set or two, so be it. I guess it's understandable that I've had a lot of agression to work out this week. But my arms aren't letting me forget it this week. I'm trying to get my house cleaned up for a party I'm having this weekend and something tells me my triceps aren't going to be real happy about me using the vacuum either.
Although I called to set up my surgery time and date yesterday, I still haven't heard back. I have schedules to arrange and babysitters to call on so I need to know. There is no such thing as planning too far in advance.
My plan is to continue to bust my butt at the gym 3-4 times a week so that going into this surgery, I'll be at my strongest. While I know it's not as involved as an ACL reconstruction surgery, I also know that I'm saying "yes" to him cutting me over the sorest part of my body, the area that makes me cringe when someone even brushes up against it. I know I'm going to be hurting and I just want to know when it is so I can put it on the countdown and be done thinking about it.
Plus, I think once I know, I'll calm down at the gym a bit. I hate unknowns even worse than I hate pain.
I thought of one positve thing about all of this today. At least the second time around, I know how to beat the underwear issue. No more worries about a bare butt during surgery.
My Head is Not the Problem
I've watched as people who had ACL reconstruction surgery after me returned successfully to karate. I've read about how ACL reconstruction people are running three months after surgery. I've been told that my problem is mental and that I need to just get back out there, suck it up, work through the pain.
It's not in my head and today I got confirmation.
My surgeon took a couple x-rays of my knee this morning. The x-ray tech seemed baffled as to what these bumps are on my leg. The surgeon needed to only take a brief glance and a quick feel. The bumps on my leg are part of the screw sheath that is sticking out, rubbing against a vein and causing pain and bruising that is preventing me from doing the things I want to do. The screws look good in my knee. The tunnel angles are all perfect. It's just this stupid sheath from the screw that is causing me problems.
It's not normal at this point. Usually, by a year out, whatever may be sticking out of the sheath has worn down and away, but mine has not. My surgeon says my leg is so skinny that he can just see clear as day what needs to be done.
The fix is an easy one, but it involves surgery. It's one incision, outpatient, and takes less than an hour. My surgeon said he would go in at the same incision, and basically shave off the part that's causing me all the trouble. I have two options: I can wait and see if it gets any better (which it probably won't) or I can just schedule the surgery.
I teared up when he said it for two reasons. One, I'm glad I'm not crazy, and that there is something wrong and that it can be fixed. But the other reason is that I don't want to go to sleep again. I don't want any more surgery. I am terrified that I'm going to be in agony again.
He said it's no big deal and that I'll just have a cut on my leg. He's not touching my knee or doing any drilling or screwing. So my choice is to live with the pain and bruising or get it scheduled and fixed.
We also discussed me not being able to run. He felt all around my knee, determined that the location of my pain is not a true Jumper's Knee so to speak, but rather a more general and annoying case of patellar tendonitis. He told me to do ice massage with my knee bent three times a day and he said it will clear up and I will be running in no time.
We left the appointment with him telling me to give him a call to let him know if I want to do the surgery or not within the next couple of weeks. He said he'll fit me in whenever I want to have it done. I want to feel better and get back to doing the things I want to do, but it's going to be really hard for me to say "yes, cut me again." I know it has to be done. I just need a couple days to wrap my head around it.
Think Happy Thoughts
"Your knee hurts because you need to build more strength in your leg."
"If your knee hurts, back off the weight lifting."
"The only way to get your knee feeling better is by building the muscles in your leg."
"Don't do anything that hurts or feels even a bit uncomfortable."
Do you understand why I'm confused? Yesterday, I went to the gym and one of the trainers came over to talk to me and see how my knee was feeling. I told him that's it's o.k., but not great. I told him about how I still can't run and about these painful little hard bumps in my knee that don't move even when you move the skin around them. He asked me to show him and I was at least grateful I had shaved my legs.
He took one look at my knee, asked to see the other one and had me face the mirror. "You have a lot of fluid in your knee! Look at the difference" he said.
I can see obvious differences in my knees, but I guess I thought that was because it's me and I spend half my life analyzing my knees and wondering if my left one will ever feel and look normal again. I didn't think it was obvious to a casual observer. He felt the little bumps below my knee and said he thought I should get it checked out.
No more procrastinating. I called the surgeon this morning and got an appointment for tomorrow morning.
I'm going to get some answers tomorrow and hopefully some solutions. Think happy thoughts for tomorrow, happy thoughts that don't involve painful injections to the knee or any more surgery.
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