Bye Bye Bonsai
When Mr. BBM got me a small bonsai tree for Mother's Day a couple years ago, I had mixed feelings about it. Although a thoughtful gift for a martial artist and Karate Kid fan, I couldn't help but feel like I had one more thing I had to take care of. Taking care of everyone and everything all the time is exhausting.
I read the two pages of instructions, gave strict orders that no one touch it except for me and the bonsai and I became friends. Before long, it was thriving and I had to do some pruning. I did it with butterflies in my stomach, so afraid to hurt the thing, but it did fine and survived. I figured I had overestimated how sensitive it was, but I found out that I was wrong.
My bonsai has gone from being a thriving little plant to a nightmare. Leaves started falling off, first one by one, and then non-stop. I accused Mr. BBM of watering it, but he swore he didn't touch it. The bonsai only gets watered once a week. Last week, when it felt hopeless, I scoured the web for advice on bringing it back to its former grandeur.
So I went to work, carefully prying the plant from its pot so I could examine the roots. I cut back the ones that were no longer white, sat the soil on paper towels to let it soak up any excess moisture and then returned it to its pot with hopes that it would recover.
Today it dropped another grouping of leaves and it's looking more hopeless than ever.
I've lost plants before. Although I've definitely become more of a green thumb over the years, by self-teaching myself how to not blow all our landscaping investment, I know that I've had problems with indoor plants in the past. I even thought that maybe the bonsai didn't like my new little basil plant so I moved it away from the bonsai to give it some space.
Still, nothing has worked.
I've had no trouble tossing out plants in the past, but this one bothers me. Maybe it's because I'm seeing a parallel between it and me and my knee.
Despite surgery and careful care afterwards, my knee has been awful lately. It's bruised again and sore and I've been avoiding karate because my brace hurts where the bruising is and kneeling is next to impossible for me. Despite "surgery" and careful care of my plant, it's not thriving. It doesn't look nice or exotic anymore. It just looks sad, kind of like my knee.
I want my bonsai to survive and I want my knee to be completely healed, but wanting something and reality are often quite different. I'm frustrated with my bonsai tree, and I'm frustrated with my knee.
Right now, both are on a downward spiral that I'm not quite sure how to fix. And if there's one thing I can't stand, it's not having control over things that I want.
The Cure for Knee Issues: Step in a Ditch
Two Monday's ago, I attended karate class and really enjoyed myself. There were only three of us there and it was one of those nights where you initially feel like you can't get anything right and then things sort of start to click. I wanted so much to go to class on this past Monday night to add on to what we had been doing before; but I decided it was best that I not go.
During the Monday class, I got thrown around a little bit and while it was happening I was concerned about my knee. There were some sudden movements and although braced, I still worry. I keep hearing my surgeon's words echo in my head, "You only want to do this once. Revision ACL surgeries are not successful."
I came home after that class and told Mr. BBM that despite the scare, my knee was feeling solid. I told him I was feeling more confident and how happy I was that it was holding up. Then I woke up Tuesday morning in a world of pain. My extension was like post original surgery and I was visibly limping. Add to that the pain whenever I tried to straighten my leg and I was a very unhappy girl.
Mr. BBM assured me I had just overdone it a bit, maybe tweaked it a bit, but the discomfort continued. I skipped class on Tuesday and hoped I'd be better by the Pittsburgh trip. But I wasn't.
I spent the drive out there icing my knee, popped ibuprofen like candy through the weekend, and spent the nights in bed trying to get my leg to straighten out, sometimes pushing my knee down against the bed to the point that it almost brought tears from the pain. When I hit a week and it still wasn't any better, I contemplated calling my surgeon. Clearly something was very wrong. I decided I'd give it another week; but I played it safe and traded my karate night for swimming laps at the pool instead. The cold water in the pool always seems to help when my knee is feeling cranky and I wanted to do some type of exercise.
Yesterday, the grass needed to be mowed and Mr. BBM wasn't feeling well. So I strapped my ACL brace on and went out to mow. The edge of one side of my yard borders a vacant building lot; and we live in a rocky area lacking uniformity. I looked at the street for a second to watch a car drive by and stepped in a hole that would have made my knee hyper-extend if not for my brace. It hurt, badly enough that I had to stop and breathe for a minute.
I walked it off and continued mowing the lawn as my knee throbbed the rest of the time. I figured I had really screwed it up. I came inside, took my brace off and stood there with a straight leg. In fact, with a straight leg with the maximum extension that my left leg now allows, I had only a tiny bit of pain. I figured it was a fluke, went to bed, and woke up this morning with only a tiny bit of soreness behind my knee.
I really think that I broke a piece of scar tissue loose at karate and that it was inhibiting my movement to full extension when it got stuck somewhere it shouldn't have been. I think when I stepped in the hole, I knocked it loose making me able to bend again.
Today, I walked without a limp for the first time in a week and a half. Tomorrow night, I'm back at the dojo.
***Summer Serenade videos will go up this week!
It’s In There-17 Months Post ACL Surgery
I've been making a concentrated effort to spend more time at the dojo the past few weeks. I usually attend classes twice a week, but I've been adding an extra class here and there. I've been on the cusp of recovering all the kata and knew that the more I worked on it, the more cobwebs I'd be able to shake off.
This week, I've been at the dojo every night so far. Big I had ju-jutsu last night, so while she attended class downstairs, I went upstairs and ran through all of the kobudo kata. I think I have finally reached the point where I'm able to stop beating myself up mentally for putting kata on the back burner during my injury recovery. It's in there. It's really, finally, in there again.
I'm back to that familiar place where I'm falling asleep each night after running through a couple kata in my head. I'm talking about karate to Mr. BBM non-stop. I'm excited about how my bunkai is coming along. Despite the fact that a couple moves are still a little difficult for me (probably always will be), like the jump in the one tunfa kata and the kneel down in one of our open hand kata, I'm finally at the point where I've run through things enough times to know that my knee is holding up. It is no longer a stopping point, at least in kata (as long as my teachers are willing to accept the fact that I'm probably never going to be able to land on my left leg after that one jump). I'm even running on the treadmill now without swelling up.
The first couple weeks back were rough. I felt undeserving of the belt wrapped around my waist. I felt awkward and uncomfortable. It would have been really easy to throw in the towel. I won't deny that I thought about it while driving home after a few rough nights at the dojo. But I was determined to get back to my pre-injury state. I gradually accepted that I wouldn't be the same ever again; but I wanted to get as close as possible.
My knee is far from pre-injury state. It sometimes feels stiff and awful after a workout or a night at the dojo. When I stand up from sitting, sometimes I limp a bit. I can almost always tell you when it's going to rain; my knee is more accurate than the Weather Channel. But I feel like I am settling into the post-injury me and it's going ok. I've accepted the fact that I'm not going to ever be able to sit in seiza without terrible consequences. I think I'll probably always have some tendonitis that makes kneeling down uncomfortable. I'm probably always going to mind long car rides when I go to stand back up again. I will forever be extremely cautious with both of my knees; but I am slowly but surely putting the ACL ordeal behind me and getting back to doing the thing I love.
It's about time.
Hanging with the Boys
Lately, at the dojo, I have frequently been the only girl in class. There are definitely more men than women at my dojo. When you break it out and look exclusively at brown belt and above, there are even more men than women. I grew up a tomboy and my best friend in high school was a guy, so this has never bothered me. I seem to get along better with guys overall. From a martial arts perspective though, I began thinking about whether or not the guys take it a little easier on me.
Last night, we were paired up and spent the entire night trying to wail on each other with bat-sized sticks. Whenever we do these drills, we ease into them gradually. We start by working out distancing. Our partner starts swinging at us when we're just a hair out of reach. Then we add movement, first small movement, then big movements. Finally, we add some evasive maneuvers and techniques to combat someone wielding a club or bat at us. By the end of the night, it's usually a sparring type situation that can get pretty intense.
I was partnered with a brown belt guy, who I believe has a black belt in another style (a heavily into kicking style). I like working with this guy; we seem to work well together. The drills went fine, and then it was time for the free-for-all stick swinging. He was taking aim at me and my first movement brought some serious pain with it for my knee. The quick movements, twisting, pivoting and off-angle stuff still freak me out and cause me some trouble. Yet almost every week, I've been taken out of my comfort zone for drills that start harmless enough, but end with me being a nervous wreck. I simply haven't figured out how to adjust to my knee situation. My previous stances are uncomfortable so I've been forced to find new ways to stand. Something as simple as which foot to put in front is now troubling and feels uncomfortable.
It's really difficult to think about the stick swinging at your head when you're more worried about your knee and messing it up again. After the initial tweak however, I was able to make it through the drill. I got hit a couple times (thank God we had switched over to plastic), and I mostly felt like a total idiot. Being a teacher and having previously done a lot of public speaking, you'd think I could handle a little audience, but the four guys standing on the side were freaking me out too. They're all good, and I feel like I'm not, so it can be intimidating.
Later, I watched the guys switch it up and continue going at it. When my partner was out there with someone else, it was intense. He was throwing in some good kicks and techniques and I was really impressed. I also got the feeling that he had been taking it easy on me.
This, for a girl, is good and bad. It's good because I am smaller than these guys. Even though I'm of similar height to most of them, I am definitely a light weight. I don't fit the typical body type of a female karate-ka, at least not most of the ones I've seen and been around. Despite months of busting my butt at the gym, there's nothing you can really do when your genes say you'll be a 5'9", 135 lb string bean. I've built muscle, but it's still on my spaghetti frame. So, for that reason, I guess being treated a little differently is good.
I also think the guys are cautious around me because of my knee. They know I'm terrified of being injured again, and so they approach drills with me with kid gloves on. I get that, and I do appreciate it. But I guess there's a part of me that wishes it was otherwise. When I watch the guys out there, throwing each other around, and getting intense, I'm a bit jealous.
That's never going to be me. I'm not the girl who will be fondly recalled years from now as "the scrapper." I doubt there will be any legends told about me and my skills twenty years from now. I'm feeling more and more like I'm the blend-into-the-background type of girl in the dojo and I'm not sure how I feel about that.
People comfort themselves by saying that there's a reason for everything and that things happen for a reason. I, for one, would like to know the reason for some of these things. Like the ACL injury, for example. What was the purpose of that? Was it to make me quit karate? Was it to make me appreciate it more? Was it a giant smack-down from someone above telling me I'm out of my league? I know it's made me into a person who enjoys going to the gym and working out, but how does that fit in with karate and how things go at the dojo? Right now, I'm not seeing how the working out has benefited my karate. Will it make me a better martial artist in the long run? Will it harm my progress because I'm afraid (rightfully so), and because others are afraid to hurt me?
I don't want to go to the dojo and get a beat-down each week (I seriously can not sustain another injury), but at the same time, my purpose for being at the dojo is primarily self-defense. If the guys are taking it easy on me, then isn't this doing me harm in the long-run? Am I now seen as the delicate flower of the dojo? If that's the case, I'm not happy about it.
Last night I got home and iced my knee for a while. Then I had Mr. BBM come swinging at me and I tried to take him down using one of the techniques we worked last night. Without him knowing what I was going to do, and without him taking a dive for me, I simply couldn't make it work. Granted, he is bigger than the guys I usually work with, but it's still frustrating when something that had worked only hours ago, now doesn't.
As martial artists, we need compliant partners until we've learned the proper technique and control, but are my partners being too easy on me when it comes to helping me make techniques work? Is it because I'm a girl? Is it because of the ACL injury? Am I doing the same thing to them? Unfortunately, I don't think there are any easy answers to these questions.
There's a new place for ACL bloggers to hang out. Go here and click "join."
The winners will be announced tomorrow for the AMA month prizes!
Listening to the Knee Yoda
Last Thursday, I made the mistake of assuming that my knee would tolerate kneeling, as in butt back on the heels kneeling. I was very wrong.
I think I would have been ok if it had been a brief stay, but it wasn't. We ended up sitting in seiza for quite some time and I sat there awkwardly jutting my leg out to the side. Even if I could kneel completely, my knee brace wouldn't allow me to go that far. My brace is sort of like my mother, reminding me what I can and can not do.
I noticed my knee was a little crankier than usual over the weekend and I tweaked it again during my crazy yard lady four hour raking stint in my yard on Sunday when I sort of leaned back on my left heel at one of the areas in my yard that has decided it would like to be reclaimed by the depths of the Earth.
I should have called it a day, but I had a much needed appointment with my trainer at the gym, so after four hours of raking and seeding, it was time for more torture.
I had every intention of asking my trainer for some new leg exercises. I'm getting a little bored with what I've been doing. My knee has been holding up great through all of the increased reps and weights. I wanted something new; but when I sat down to stretch my legs out, I noticed a very sore and swollen knee.
I couldn't get full extension and my knee was really puffy. My trainer took one look at it and said, "We're doing arms," which is just what my arms needed after raking for four hours. He tortured my biceps, triceps and abs in new and horrible ways and then I went home to ice my knee.
I took my knee cocktail of my joint supplement, bromelain, and turmeric and topped it off with some ibuprofen. The knee was screaming for some. I iced it on and off until I went to bed, where I slept with it elevated.
On Monday, the swelling was down but I was still really sore. I was getting stiff after sitting for only a few minutes and I knew it was the kneeling that did me in because I was also super sensitive when I tried to bend my leg past a certain point.
I headed out to karate class anyway. I was up front with my instructor and told him I wouldn't be kneeling or doing anything to stress my knee. I also asked if we could refrain from doing anything involving abs, biceps or triceps, but the entire class decided that working joint locks on noses would be sort of short-lived and weird.
True to form, my instructor had me more worried about protecting my face and head than my knee and despite a couple reminders from the cranky knee during class, I actually finished class feeling better.
I'm still a little swollen, but it's definitely feeling better. Riding my stationary bike for 30 minutes last night seems to have loosened things up a bit. I am forever reminded of what my PT used to always say to me: "Listen to the knee." He's like my knee Yoda and I wish he would have been at the dojo when I was breathing through the pain of kneeling, telling myself to suck it up.
To prevent further swelling of my knee, you should really consider subscribing to my site.
For those bloggers recovering from ACL surgery, I've started a place just for us. Please join.
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