Not There Yet
I hate to write when I’m in a mood like this, which is obviously why the posts this week have been few and far between. On Friday, Lil C got a DTaP vaccine shot, which made her arm swell and her personality much too much like mine, so that hasn’t helped things either. Plus, I still itch a lot. Hives suck.
At PT yesterday I was just miserable. My knee has been really bothering me lately. It’s sore at my lowest and largest incision area. Some days, I’ll get waves of pain just shooting through that area. Other days, it’s a dull but annoying ache that tends to stick around and intensify especially when I’m doing stairs or lowering my leg after having it propped up. I’ve been complaining to my PT about it on and off. I thought it was only on rainy days that the pain was bad, but this week it’s been nice and I’ve been having a lot of pain.
We talked about doing incision massage to break down scar tissue and I’ve done that. It hasn’t really changed anything. This week, my PT looked at me, walking miserably on the treadmill, watching others come and go while I stay and stay and work out some more, and he said, "I think you really need a break. I think your body is telling you to rest. I think you need a mental and physical break."
I think he’s right.
I left PT, got in my car and started to sob. I have cried more through this ACL ordeal than at any other time in my life and I’m sick of myself. I’m sick of always having an issue. I’m not the girl who has issues. People who always have problems get on my nerves, but I think I’m becoming one of them and that only serves to make me feel more miserable.
After my appointment with my surgeon next Friday, I am heading out for vacation. My PT told me he doesn’t want me to exercise at all. I’m supposed to completely relax and see if the knee issue resolves itself.
I wanted to be ready to go back to karate; but the truth is, I’m just not. And right now, I don’t know when I will be ready.
Making Peace with the Morning
I don’t do mornings. I mean, if I have to, I will. Three days a week, it’s my responsibility to get Big I on the very early bus. The days when it’s not? I’m praying that Lil C sleeps in until at least 9.
So, when I was told last week that I had to schedule my physical therapy early in the morning since the office will be closing for the afternoon on one of my days, I begrudgingly made my appointment and told myself one day wouldn’t kill me. It’s true. One day wouldn’t kill me, but one day quickly turned into two days when I showed up early today (not the day I was supposed to show up early).
My PT looked at me kind of funny when I walked in. "What?" I asked him, "not used to seeing me in the morning or do I look that bad?"
He laughed and said, "No, it’s just that you’re not supposed to be here until after 3 today."
"But you have a half day today!" I said.
"That’s Friday," he said and laughed some more.
I hate exercising in the morning and now I’m going to have to do it twice in one week. Apparently I’m trying to kill myself.
I spent the entire weekend slacking on my exercises. I figured that my dancing to one Prince song and "In Da Club" was exercise enough. I was sore after that, even though I mainly danced on one leg (Nothing can hold me back when Prince comes on).
What I found out this morning is that morning exercise actually loosens the knee up a whole lot better than my normal daily routine of walking back and forth from the kitchen for more coffee. In fact, I doubt I even needed more coffee when I got home because I’m wide awake. There’s nothing quite like a brisk walk on the treadmill to get you going.
I’m not saying this is going to become a routine thing, and I definitely won’t say I’m happy about having to wake up and go work out on Friday morning too. I’m just saying that maybe mornings and I can agree to be friends.
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Back on the Floor
I drove Big I to karate tonight and I couldn’t help but think that in just a few weeks, I could be training again. I was daydreaming about what it will feel like to tell everyone "I’m back!" I have not set foot on the training floor since my injury in October. It’s been a really long time.
As I entered the dojo tonight, my teacher commented about how well I was walking around. I told him that I’m getting there and hoping to return (slowly) in June. Somehow the conversation turned to Sanchin. I said I didn’t know it and he said he would teach me. I thought it would be from the sidelines.
I was having a conversation with another Mom in the dojo when Hanshi summoned me from the upstairs training floor. He told me take my shoes off and come out on the floor. I took my shoes off, threw my jacket and purse on the bench and walked out. It felt really strange being back on the floor, but even more so in jeans.
Hanshi explained Sanchin and talked about the meaning of the number "three" within our system and how it relates to pretty much everything in our style. And then we started. In a casual stance, I stood there and worked on Sanchin breathing. Then we added hand motions. When it was time to get into the Sanchin stance, I just kept my feet facing forward and didn’t worry about my stance. I spent about 40 minutes out on the floor walking through Sanchin with the rest of the class, careful not to pivot on my knee or do anything that would cause a problem.
I wanted to be completely immersed in learning Sanchin but I couldn’t help but think about my knee almost constantly. I tried to get into a good nai hanchi stance but it was really difficult to do. Like squats, I continue to put more weight on my right leg, not yet trusting my left knee to keep up with the right. I knew I was going to need some work on basics again but I had no idea how much.
I also tried to stand in cat stance with my weight on my left leg and that was nearly impossible and painful. My knee cap area just started to ache and I backed off. At one point while standing there, I started to think about how good it felt to be back out there again; but then I almost welled up with tears thinking about how difficult a journey it’s going to be to get back to where I used to be.
The reality that it is going to take me months just to get my body to do the basic things that it used to do without thinking is hitting me hard tonight. After knocking out all the things I couldn’t do at home, like carrying Lil C up and down the stairs and even something so simple as alternating steps when going up and down, I mistakenly believed I was almost there.
Going back to karate is going to pose an entirely different set of challenges. Tomorrow, when I go to PT, I’m going to talk to my physical therapist about the stances I’ll need to use and ask him to help me get there. I realized tonight that the mental aspect of coming back is going to be the hardest part, but the physical part isn’t going to be a cake walk either.
The Countdown Begins
I saw my surgeon yesterday and it was a good visit. In six weeks I will see him again and he will order me my custom acl brace that I’ll need to officially return to karate. As soon as I have my brace and as soon as I feel ready, I can return. The only limitations I will have are the ones I put on myself. My surgeon recommended a few: no sparring for a while (quite a while), and find another way to bow to the shinza. He said my kneecap will still feel "crunchy" for a while, possibly forever. Right now, there is absolutely no way I can be on my knees at all. I’m also very nervous about pivoting and kicking and will need to discuss these issues with my PT in the weeks to come. I need to build up my confidence and I want to do that in the PT room under a watchful eye, not in the dojo.
I found out yesterday that my surgeon is a black belt in Shotokan karate. He got his black belt when he was in college. I didn’t know I had a black belt for a surgeon, but knowing that made me feel really good about all the decisions that he has helped me to make. He knows what it’s all about and he understands the types of things I want to be able to do.
We talked for a bit about how all the knee replacement people come and go and I’m still there, busting my butt in the PT room. He said that the difference between them and me is that they have plateaued while I continue to improve. That made me feel good too.
I went to PT after my appointment and asked my PT about adding back into the routine the single leg press. I’m now pressing 100 lbs with both legs and 25 on the single leg press. The key to avoiding knee irritation with the leg press is to press with the heels, not the toes. I was able to make it through three sets of the single leg press without any issues. We also upped my weight on the leg extensions and on the pulley apparatus, where I get to walk away with the harness around my waist and then stand on my ACL leg for 5 seconds at a time.
I am more determined than ever to build up this leg muscle and get back to the dojo training floor. I will definitely need to start slow and my instructors will all need to know my limitations (because I am not tearing this ACL again and will not be doing anything I’m not completely comfortable doing); but I am counting down the days now until I can return. I can’t wait to put that gi back on.
Houston, We Have Contact
It was a very temporary lull.
Yesterday, with witnesses, my heel finally made contact with my butt. It was a wonderful moment, one I will cherish for the rest of my life. You may think I’m kidding, but I’m really not. I told my PT that it was the day; I was determined to make it happen. I stretched and worked it out for about five minutes and then I gave my foot an extra tug and there it was. I didn’t just graze my butt either. My heel made good contact. There was applause and cheering (mostly my own) and it completely made my day.
My heel and butt have not been in contact since October. They are so happy to be reunited. "Reunited and it feels so good. . . "
My PT also put me back on the leg extension torture contraption. This time he limited my range of motion. It went much better and I’m not even sore today. I haven’t felt this good in a very long time.
I celebrated with a trip to Pier One and Ann Taylor Loft. I bought new pillows for my bed and I found the perfect pair of black pants. Men may not appreciate finding the perfect pair of black pants, but for a woman it’s pretty much the equivalent of finding a long lost relic. I bought new pants, a top, flat shoes (since heels are still off limits) and some jewelry with my gift cards that have been burning a hole in my pocket since Christmas. A new outfit for a new attitude. I’m officially on the comeback part of this journey.
After being totally bummed about HGTV, yesterday was a really nice change. Last night, I checked my email and there was a note from the producer of "Summer Showdown." In the email she said that out of thousands of entries, we were in the top 10. Because they liked us so much, they are forwarding our video, application and information on to all other Pie Town Productions for consideration. So, maybe I’ll get my TV time anyway someday.
In the meantime, I’m going to enjoy my new carpet (being installed tomorrow), my new outfit and my brand new attitude. The journey to Shodan and beyond feels like it’s officially back on track.
***All is definitely not lost on the fame front. On Sunday at 5 p.m., I’ll be the guest on Karl’s Blog Talk Radio show. I have absolutely no clue what I’m going to talk about (suggestions on this front? Put them below) and am super nervous; but if you’ve been dying to know what my voice sounds like, please tune in. There’s a live chat that takes place while I’m on air and you can even call in and ask questions. Just don’t put me on the spot about anything. Remember, the blog is mightier than the sword and paybacks are a, well, you know. . .
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