Will I ever be the same?
Last week I was standing in the kitchen talking to my Mom when Lil C came out of nowhere and charged right into my left leg which was straight at the time. I screamed in pain. That knee is just not like the other one. If someone tries to force it beyond a certain point, it is agony-inducing. I fought back the tears and walked it off.
My knee hasn’t felt the same since. I’m back to having that squishy feeling in there and I’m sore, so very sore.
Whenever I take Big I to the dojo, everyone is always asking me when I’m planning on coming back. I was planning on coming back within the next week or two. I was going to try it, very slowly and not even commit to completing an entire class. Now I’m not so sure about when I’ll be returning.
I’m worried about kneeling. I absolutely can not kneel on my left knee and there is no way I can sit back on my heels the way I used to. My knee just doesn’t work like that anymore. I’m worried about not keeping up with everyone else. I’m stressed about kicking, pivoting and turning. If Lil C running into my knee can set me back this far, what if one pivot sets me back further?
As much as I would like to return, I just don’t know that I’m entirely ready yet. I’d like to be, but right now I hurt and I’m scared. The combination of the two does not make for a very triumphant return.
Lately I’ve been feeling so overwhelmed with this knee business. I’m angry that it’s taken away so many things I like to do. I can’t dance with confidence anymore. I can’t really run that well at all. Walking up and down hills is annoying and uncomfortable; and when it’s wet outside, I am terrified of falling as I walk down inclines. Walking on the beach is difficult. I won’t even consider going in the surf for fear I’ll step on uneven sand and screw up my knee even worse. I can’t kneel or squat down to play with the girls or tie their shoes. I have to do this adjusted squat which is just plain weird.
I can’t tell you how much I wish I had my old knee back. If I could go back in time and sit that last round of sparring out, I would do it in a heartbeat. I feel like I am never going to be the same again. I hear about other people returning to their activities and wonder why I can’t. I worked hard at PT. I was extremely dedicated, yet the only thing more exercising gave me was more pain.
Before I hurt my knee, getting that black belt seemed very difficult. Now it seems almost impossible. I know it’s not about the color belt. For me, it’s about the accomplishment. It’s about getting that black belt to prove that even a torn ACL couldn’t hold me back. It’s symbolic of the fighting I’ve done to get back to normal.
Right now, my knee is holding me back. Getting back to karate seems to be near impossible when you consider that walking down a hill is still a challenge.
I wonder if I’ll ever feel normal again. It’s a horrible feeling. Like the knee pain, I wish it would just go away.
7 Months
In just two days, I will be seven months post-op. I thought I would be back in the dojo by now, but I’m not, unless you count sitting on the sidelines watching Big I and trying to keep Lil C from running off with one of Hanshi’s trophies. The next opportunity to test for shodan is August. The next one after that won’t be until February.
For the first time in many months, my knee feels. . . good. One would think I’d be dying to get back in the dojo, but I’m just not quite ready. After having so much pain for so many months, I am enjoying the fact that I am pretty much pain-free for the first time in a long time. When I got to this point a couple weeks ago and went to the fitness center, I went right back to square one. Over the weekend, I woke up one day and realized that I wasn’t hurting. Steps aren’t bothering me much at all and although I still favor it and don’t squat down on it, even bending and doing things that previously caused me pain, isn’t causing me pain.
It’s not like my non-injured knee. I don’t think it ever will be. I still can’t kneel. I can’t crawl around on my hands and knees. I can’t squat down on that knee alone. But I’m feeling better and that has been wonderful.
Because of how I set myself back (going to the fitness center) a few weeks ago after I finally started feeling good, I’m afraid to ruin it. I’m afraid that if I start working out again or go back to karate now, I’ll rebound. I don’t want that to happen. I can’t have that happen with the move coming up.
So, I’m going to wait until August, see how I feel, and then start trying some things out at home before making a return to karate as usual. I am so afraid of pivoting, twisting and turning. I have made the decision that I would much rather wait a little longer to return, feeling confident that my knee is completely healed and solid, than return with shaky resolve and potentially set myself back months if not years.
I’m plugging along. I’m feeling confident that I’ll be able to return. I’m just not chancing it quite yet.
Dear Tiger
On Wednesday, I went to see my physical therapist to pick up my shiny new high-tech ACL sports brace. Considering the cost of it, one would think it would come encrusted with diamonds. It doesn’t. Very disappointing.
My PT asked me how I’m doing and I told him that the cortisone shot didn’t work. I’m still having pain at the top of my tibia. I’m beginning to think I always will. I have a few more weeks of taking it easy and then I’m technically allowed to go back to karate. The thing is, I don’t think I’ll be ready.
Sure, I have my brace. I’ve done the intense physical therapy. This week, I’ll go join the gym and continue my exercises on my own. Mentally, I’m terrified of doing this again. I’m afraid I’ll tear it right apart again and I don’t feel confident that my knee has had enough time to heal. I’m on my own now, and that is exciting but scary all at the same time.
Despite this, in one sense, this week I’ve ended a major part of this ACL journey. I’m finished with doctors appointments, physical therapy and all too frequent co-pays. Tiger, your ACL journey is just about to begin.
I want you to know how impressed I am that you played through the pain. I know the excruciating pain that comes from twisting on an ACL that’s torn, and it is breathtaking. The fact that you not only played, but won, is simply amazing to me. Everyone knows you’re a great golfer, but those who have endured ACL injuries have a whole new appreciation for your talent and perseverance.
Being the celebrity that you are, I’m sure you’ll have the best of care, pre and post op. Despite this, only you will feel the pain and know the frustration that comes with recovering from this type of surgery. My advice to you is simple: take all the time that you need to heal. Golf will still be there when you’re ready to return. And for your sanity during those first few days, don’t forget healthy doses of both prune juice and percoset.
My best to you Tiger, for a safe surgery and a speedy recovery,
BBM
That’s It Folks
I’m done.
I’m finished with physical therapy and I’m finished with follow-up surgical appointments. I have been officially released. The ACL saga of doctors visits and physical therapy has come to a close. It’s been a really long time, eight months to be exact.
I told my surgeon about the pain I’ve been having at that lowest incision today. He pressed on the exact location as I pretty much levitated off the table in agony. He said there’s no way it’s anything to do with the ACL and within seconds he was injecting the sore spot with cortisone and Novocaine. It hurt for a second and then he slapped a band-aid on it and told me to just sit there for five minutes. When he pressed on it again, there was no pain.
He said that it’s a stubborn piece of scar tissue and that it gets the nerves all worked up in there as well, which is why I had that radiating pain and sore spot. He said I’ll be sore from the shot and within two days it should be feeling just fine. He reiterated that although I have small incision scars, I had major surgery. This kind of stuff is normal.
So, no activity for a month and then I am free to do what I want "within limits." He told me I can do straight kicks and punches, but no sparring or tricky pivoting kata business. "You only want to do this once," he said. He also cautioned me on any deep stances and deep knee bends. "Remember," he said, "people go back to sports after this, but they’re not good at it again for a while."
I shook his hand, thanked him, and told him I hope I don’t have to ever see him again. "Not here anyway," he said and smiled.
I went out for my final physical therapy appointment and my PT told me there would be no exercises today since my surgeon injected my knee. He told me to go home and ice it which is what I’m doing now. It’s starting to feel pretty sore. Before I left, he fitted me for my brace. He has one in stock that he’s putting aside for me while he gets approval from my insurance company. Apparently it’s not cheap. No surprise there.
My PT shook my hand and wished me well and I just started to cry. It just hit me all at once that I’m done. I’m really done. I shook his hand and then gave him a huge hug while I cried and thanked him for everything. He’s been my knee confidante since October. It kind of feels like losing a good friend. He assured me that he’s there for me if I have questions or problems; and I’ll see him when I get back from vacation to officially get my brace and another lesson on how to strap that thing on. The only disappointing thing is that it doesn’t come with spikes or something on it, perhaps an alarm when someone gets too close to my knee.
I can’t believe I am finished with this part of the journey. When I get back from vacation, I’ll be finding a gym to continue my exercises. This is one vacation that is coming at just the right celebratory time.
Kneecaps and Knitting
My physical therapist did his pre-surgeon visit evaluation on me today in advance of my Friday appointment. Friday is supposed to me my big release day, when I get told I have no restrictions. It’s not going to happen. Extension is great; flexion is equally fabulous at around 150 degrees. The only problem is this nagging pain I’m still having surrounding my lowest incision area near the tibia.
It’s been bothering me for three-four weeks now and it’s not getting better despite me backing off squats, lunges, and other stressing exercises. I’ve heard nightmare stories about a screw coming loose and although I’ve got several of those in my head that I can tolerate, one in the knee is not at all desirable. My PT does not think that’s my problem, although he said they’ll x-ray it on Friday to rule that out. I asked him if he thought I could have a tibial stress fracture and he doesn’t think that’s it either. So much for google diagnosis.
He pulled on my leg to test my ACL and my ACL is solid. There is no doubt about it. He also tested my leg strength. My hamstrings are stellar, but the quad muscle is still lagging behind. Because of this, my PT thinks that my problem with the knee is my kneecap.
Today, he taped it and had me run through my exercises (avoiding those that have really been hurting) and I think it helped a bit. I’m leaving the tape on until I go to bed tonight to see if it helps with going up and down the stairs. Although the pain is still there, it does seem to be a bit more dull. Perhaps it’s just tape toxins leaking into my system that are making me feel better. Who knows at this point?
My PT also said that maybe I just need to be on an anti-inflammatory for a little while to get the last of the swelling and irritation out. Right now, I’d like a magic wand to make it all go away.
I’m thinking my good friend Adam would like the same thing right about now, since he has also screwed up his knee. I should start a group for injured martial artists to take up a new interest. . knitting perhaps.
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