If I Could Just Lift My Arms
I think I went at my arm muscles a bit too aggressively yesterday at the gym. While putting cups in the cabinets, I had to stand on my toes. My arms can't go above shoulder height without my triceps screaming "down girl!" Because I am always more sore the second day after a hard workout, I am even more worried for tomorrow.
Tomorrow night is Mr. BBM's holiday party for work. This will be the first time I'll meet a lot of his colleagues. I'm hoping I can shake their hands without looking like a robot.
I think I've been taking my aggressions out at the gym and if that means throwing in an extra set or two, so be it. I guess it's understandable that I've had a lot of agression to work out this week. But my arms aren't letting me forget it this week. I'm trying to get my house cleaned up for a party I'm having this weekend and something tells me my triceps aren't going to be real happy about me using the vacuum either.
Although I called to set up my surgery time and date yesterday, I still haven't heard back. I have schedules to arrange and babysitters to call on so I need to know. There is no such thing as planning too far in advance.
My plan is to continue to bust my butt at the gym 3-4 times a week so that going into this surgery, I'll be at my strongest. While I know it's not as involved as an ACL reconstruction surgery, I also know that I'm saying "yes" to him cutting me over the sorest part of my body, the area that makes me cringe when someone even brushes up against it. I know I'm going to be hurting and I just want to know when it is so I can put it on the countdown and be done thinking about it.
Plus, I think once I know, I'll calm down at the gym a bit. I hate unknowns even worse than I hate pain.
I thought of one positve thing about all of this today. At least the second time around, I know how to beat the underwear issue. No more worries about a bare butt during surgery.
My Head is Not the Problem
I've watched as people who had ACL reconstruction surgery after me returned successfully to karate. I've read about how ACL reconstruction people are running three months after surgery. I've been told that my problem is mental and that I need to just get back out there, suck it up, work through the pain.
It's not in my head and today I got confirmation.
My surgeon took a couple x-rays of my knee this morning. The x-ray tech seemed baffled as to what these bumps are on my leg. The surgeon needed to only take a brief glance and a quick feel. The bumps on my leg are part of the screw sheath that is sticking out, rubbing against a vein and causing pain and bruising that is preventing me from doing the things I want to do. The screws look good in my knee. The tunnel angles are all perfect. It's just this stupid sheath from the screw that is causing me problems.
It's not normal at this point. Usually, by a year out, whatever may be sticking out of the sheath has worn down and away, but mine has not. My surgeon says my leg is so skinny that he can just see clear as day what needs to be done.
The fix is an easy one, but it involves surgery. It's one incision, outpatient, and takes less than an hour. My surgeon said he would go in at the same incision, and basically shave off the part that's causing me all the trouble. I have two options: I can wait and see if it gets any better (which it probably won't) or I can just schedule the surgery.
I teared up when he said it for two reasons. One, I'm glad I'm not crazy, and that there is something wrong and that it can be fixed. But the other reason is that I don't want to go to sleep again. I don't want any more surgery. I am terrified that I'm going to be in agony again.
He said it's no big deal and that I'll just have a cut on my leg. He's not touching my knee or doing any drilling or screwing. So my choice is to live with the pain and bruising or get it scheduled and fixed.
We also discussed me not being able to run. He felt all around my knee, determined that the location of my pain is not a true Jumper's Knee so to speak, but rather a more general and annoying case of patellar tendonitis. He told me to do ice massage with my knee bent three times a day and he said it will clear up and I will be running in no time.
We left the appointment with him telling me to give him a call to let him know if I want to do the surgery or not within the next couple of weeks. He said he'll fit me in whenever I want to have it done. I want to feel better and get back to doing the things I want to do, but it's going to be really hard for me to say "yes, cut me again." I know it has to be done. I just need a couple days to wrap my head around it.
Think Happy Thoughts
"Your knee hurts because you need to build more strength in your leg."
"If your knee hurts, back off the weight lifting."
"The only way to get your knee feeling better is by building the muscles in your leg."
"Don't do anything that hurts or feels even a bit uncomfortable."
Do you understand why I'm confused? Yesterday, I went to the gym and one of the trainers came over to talk to me and see how my knee was feeling. I told him that's it's o.k., but not great. I told him about how I still can't run and about these painful little hard bumps in my knee that don't move even when you move the skin around them. He asked me to show him and I was at least grateful I had shaved my legs.
He took one look at my knee, asked to see the other one and had me face the mirror. "You have a lot of fluid in your knee! Look at the difference" he said.
I can see obvious differences in my knees, but I guess I thought that was because it's me and I spend half my life analyzing my knees and wondering if my left one will ever feel and look normal again. I didn't think it was obvious to a casual observer. He felt the little bumps below my knee and said he thought I should get it checked out.
No more procrastinating. I called the surgeon this morning and got an appointment for tomorrow morning.
I'm going to get some answers tomorrow and hopefully some solutions. Think happy thoughts for tomorrow, happy thoughts that don't involve painful injections to the knee or any more surgery.
Last Day
Today was my last class of the semester. It took two trips to my car to load all of the papers and portfolios I have to grade, but I didn't even mind.
When I taught high school, I was so happy when the end of the year came. Knowing I had an entire summer to be free of certain students was a wonderful feeling. Today I felt kind of sad. I'm going to miss these kids.
Teaching at a University where you are given complete academic freedom is entirely different than teaching high school. The classroom management issues are minimal. The kids are more grown up and they take better responsibility for completing their work. I was given the freedom to teach the way I wanted to and I ran with it.
Today I took pictures of my classes so that I can pull them out and point to them when they're all famous (and also in case I feel like photo-shopping them onto monkey bodies or something, or so I told them). I also let my speech class choose three questions that I would have to create an impromptu speech about. Although some of their topics were inappropriate and therefore ignored (Take "Which one of your students would you go out on a date with and why?" as an example), they came up with ones that made me discuss what my chosen super power would be and a life changing experience. The last topic they asked me was to discuss the best and worst moments in speech class.
I told them that the best far outnumbered the worst and then went around the room and told each one of my students something special about what they did in class. It was truly a special semester and a great group of kids. I hope I'm half as lucky next semester.
A Blow to the Action Plans
If you've been a reader here for a while, you know I suffer from delusions action plans. Many of my action plans involve running quite rapidly, out of burning buildings, away from bad guys, in order to rescue my children, etc. Here's the problem.
I still can't run.
I read all these blogs of people who've had ACL surgery and they're out there running miles. I don't get this at all. I simply can't run. My knee feels funny when I try and to be perfectly honest, I think I forget how.
Yesterday at the gym, I turned up the speed on the treadmill and tried to run. I probably looked like a complete idiot. At this point, almost a year out from surgery, one would think I'd be able to run. I'm not sure if it's mental or physical at this point, but I do know that it doesn't feel right at all. I truly don't know how to do it anymore.
One thing I do know, almost a year out from surgery, I'm still having way too much pain, discomfort and annoyances. When will this go away?
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