October 6, 2010

My Annual Love Letters

It's that time of year, the time of year when fantasy football is in full swing and I start realizing that my draft strategy was similar to throwing darts while blindfolded, facing the wrong way and possibly after being spun around 20 times as if I was about to play "pin the tale on the donkey." Except this time of year, I am the donkey, because I made some sad and sorry choices.

Before I can write my letters to my players, I should show you my line-ups in both of my leagues. In the first league, my team is called "Team BBM" (because I am lacking originality genes); and I have the following players (if you can call some of them that). . .

Drew Brees, LeSean McCoy, Peyton Hillis (a recent and highly intelligent pick-up), Steven Jackson, Greg Jennings, Marques "Disappointment" Colston, Antonio Gates, Packers D/ST, and Jeff Reed. Currently warming my bench either due to bye weeks or absolutely suckiness: Jeremy Maclin, Mike Wallace, Ben "I used to like you a whole lot better before you started treating girls like crap" Roethlisberger, Dez Bryant, Darren Sproles, Cadillac Williams and Dustin Keller.

In this league, I am currently 2-2. Last week I won by two points and I owe that entirely to Gates who is my favorite person in the world right now. And here, are my letters to Team BBM. . .

Dear Drew Brees,

You're doing fine and all, but if you could return to the Drew Brees of last year that scored my opponents 50+ points every time they played me, that would be fantastic. Oh, and I don't know what kind of lovers quarrel you are having with Colston right now, but fix it. Fix it now. For the love of all things football, and for my sanity, FIX IT. Get some couples counseling, have some coffee and work it out, or just go out and have a couple drinks together and make-up while listening to the sweet sounds of Trey Songz. Whatever you do, it's important you do. . . something. . . NOW!

Dear LeSean McCoy,

If you could just pretend that you didn't get a crushed rib, that would be cool. Losing you this week is going to feel like that time when I cut all my hair off and then mourned it for the three years it took to grow it back. Don't be long sweetheart, m'kay?

Dear Peyton Hillis,

Normally when I make a pick-up, it means that one's performance will drop off to complete toilet levels. You, however, proved me wrong. You made me a believer. And you're freaking cute. . . in a creepy overpowering jock kind of way. I like it and I like you. Keep it up and you can keep your starting spot in my line-up. How were you still available on the waivers I will never know (but I am glad).

Dear Steven Jackson,

Can you do me a favor and like stretch out or something before practice and games? I swear you are wrecking your groin every other day, every single year. Stop that man. You're too valuable to be spending my playing time on the sidelines with a sore nether region. 'Nuff said.

Dear Greg Jennings,

You seem like a super nice guy. However, it would be to your advantage (and mine) if Finley and Driver could get a nasty case of food poisoning this weekend and every weekend thereafter. Can you invite them over for some bad scallops or something?

Dear Marques "Huge Let Down" Colston,

You can also read my letter to Jennings and heed that advice. And also, are you seriously going to go out like this? You're getting targeted less than a deer during hunting season buddy! Are you cool with that? Because I'm not! Why don't you do something drastic to get noticed. Put some fluorescent stripes on your helmet or attach a megaphone to your headgear so you can be like "Yo Breesy, over here buddy!" Colston, I'm seriously about to plant your heiney on the bench. Step up buddy. The time is now!

Dear Antonio Gates,

I want to make you a nice dinner, pour you a glass of wine, and rub your feet. And if you knew how very badly I despise feet, you would know how very much I am loving you right now. Love you SO much.

Dear Jeff Reed,

I picked you up because I used to live in Pittsburgh and because I cheer for you bumble-bees when you're not playing my team, the Eagles. Don't make me drop your butt. Don't make me do it!!!! Because I will DO IT!

Dear Darren Sproles,

Remember those couple times when you were giving LT a run for his money? What was he, your muse or something? Why the fumble? Why the lack of point-getting? Why? Why? Why?

Deep breath. . .

On my other team, where my team name is Super Sucktastic (the league I won last year), I have the following players currently starting: Kevin Kolb (although I played Vick last week which just sucked), Michael Turner, DeAngelo Williams, Steve Smith, Marques "You're letting me down twice" Colston, Nate Washington, Tony Gonzalez, Steelers D/ST and Rob Bironas. On my bench, I have (and you should prepare for the awesomeness that is not): Michael Bush, Brett Favre, Dez Bryant, Laurence Maroney, Mercedes Lewis, Michael Vick and Jason Snelling. I am also 2-2 in this league, although my loss was so catastrophic this week that if point totals have anything to do with deciding the season end winners, I am way behind the eight ball right now.

Sigh. . .

Dear Kevin Kolb,

I feel like we have a bad relationship. I picked you up and had faith and then dropped you like a hot potato when it was clear that Vick was the man. Now you're the man and I'm confused. I'm so very confused. Can you make it less confusing for me, please?

Dear Michael Turner:

Like Katy Perry says, "you're hot and you're cold; you're yes and you're no; you're in and you're out; you're up and you're down." Can you decide what you're gonna be? Because a love triangle with you and Jason Snelling is not what I'm looking for right now. I need stability. Show me some.

Dear DeAngelo Williams,

I like your name because you remind me of that R & B guy; and I like your playing because you're improving and getting me some points. Let's make it clear though. I am in no way, shape or form ready or willing to rub your feet. You've got some ground to cover and some serious work to do DeAngelo.

Dear Steve Smith,

Get better soon. I liked you a lot better in weeks 1 & 2.

Dear Marques "Do Nothing Right Now" Colston,

See the above letter to you. You don't deserve two letters from me.

Dear Nate Washington,

So I pick you up and your point totals for the past three weeks add up to your point total in the first week. Is this how you treat people who put their trust in you? Shame on you. Shame on YOU!

Dear Dez Bryant,

I had so much faith in you, despite the fact that you are indeed a Cowboy, that I drafted you in both of my leagues. And in both of my leagues, I am crying buckets over how craptastic you have been lately. I expect more from you. Your Mom expects more from you. We all expect more from you. Now go eat some Chunky soup or something and replenish yourself post-bye week. I need to see some good action baby!

Dear Bench Warmers,

I swear that last week you got me a total of about three points. . . total. Um, what am I supposed to do on bye weeks? I'd almost rather leave spots empty than place you there right now. I know I picked you up late in the draft and I know that your teams sort of stink and all, but if you could show some effort, maybe score a touchdown, or resort to tripping those who are getting more air time and run time than you, I would surely appreciate it.

Are you experiencing fantasy football related anxiety? Tell me about it, and for the love of God, tell me who I can pick up off the waiver wires that's scoring more than 1 point a week!

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