May 27, 2010

Restoration

I don't think I've ever gone this long without writing. It's not like me. I always have a lot to say. Lately though, I don't. I'm in a holding pattern in several ways and it's been frustrating to say the least.

When I went to see my new orthopaedic surgeon back in April, he sent me for a series of tests including an MRI and a nuclear bone scan. The MRI scan revealed a partial PCL sprain and the bone scan revealed that when I slammed my little toe on a barstool in my kitchen a couple months ago, I broke it.

He also sent me to a plastic surgeon. I wanted the surgery done in May so I could get on with my life, but that hasn't happened. Yesterday I found out why. Apparently, my file has been sitting on the plastic surgeon's desk for weeks, untouched. The woman at his office who finally figured out where my file was apologized profusely and now the process begins again.

Apparently, the surgeon thinks that the insurance company will deem my surgery "cosmetic," not "reconstructive." The fact that these words even crossed his lips is ludicrous. Anyone who knows me knows that I am much less concerned about having a pretty knee and much more concerned with having a functional knee that doesn't cause me pain. So now the phone calls to the insurance company begin and I wait. . . again.

Something tells me that I'm not at the top of his priority list. Women wanting injections of botox and boob jobs pay cash or with a credit card. Mine won't exactly be like that. I think it puts me at the bottom of the priority pile and that is annoying and maddening.

In the meantime, while unable to do karate or any impact exercises (including walking on a treadmill), I've been keeping myself busy and occupied to try to lift my mood.

I've realized that moving the two tons of delivered river rocks isn't exactly restoring my soul. The spa day that my Mom purchased for me for Christmas, that I finally used last Friday definitely helped. I've also been keeping myself busy with good friends. Although I've been in a total cooking rut, I'm trying to force myself to do things I used to like doing before all this knee business and before my Grammom passed away.

I've had good days and bad days in the month since she's died. Some days, I don't even feel like getting out of bed. It's especially hard after spending a couple hours going through her things. I haven't been visiting my Pop-Pop nearly as much as I should be, because it is so damn hard to be there, without her there.

I have friends who are worried about me. I'm definitely not myself lately, but I am working at dragging myself back. It's just a very gradual process. Packing up all my sympathy cards and my Grammom's obituary was something I got around to doing last week and it was helpful. But it's weird how certain things can set you off, when you least expect them. . . the song that was on when I was racing to the hospital on the morning she died can make me cry instantly. . . seeing a piece of her jewelry or catching the scent of her body lotion. These are things that send me reeling still. I know it's just going to take more time; and in the meantime, I'm so grateful for my very supportive and extremely patient friends.