September 18, 2009
Miles Behind: The Pressure We Put on Kids
I don't talk about it often, because it's a huge embarrassment to me. When I was a Junior in high school, I hoped for a permanent spot on the Varsity field hockey team, but I didn't get it. Instead I got tons of time playing on JV where I worked hard and did a great job, but literally only seconds during many Varsity games. Sometimes those seconds came during the last 30 seconds of the game, as my coach looked back, realized she hadn't played me at all, and would throw me in for an embarrassing stint that made no sense. I think I would have preferred not to play at all.
I worked hard at field hockey, playing on weekends in my back yard and inviting my friend over to hit around with me. I wasn't the best player on the team, but I wasn't horrible either. I showed up to every practice and busted my butt, even when I really wanted to just go home and deal with an upset stomach or a super runny nose. Even when sick, I would be there.
Sometimes I think that if my parents had been at more of my games, I would have seen more playing time. But my Dad had a busy schedule at work and we rarely saw him before 6 p.m. at home each week night. My Mom was busy working too, and running my sister around to her activities. They came sometimes, but they weren't the vocal parents on the sidelines that you see today. They blended into the background, kind of the way I obviously did on the sidelines.
During a playoff game my Junior year, my coach forgot to play me at all and tried to put me in with only 30 seconds left in the game. This was the last straw for me. I already felt like she picked on me unnecessarily and I wasn't going to suffer through another embarrassing amount of playtime. I pretended I didn't hear her until it was too late to sub me in, and I made up my mind.
I was done.
Every girl knew that you had to be dressed and on the field running when she came out of the building to start practice. My friends couldn't believe what I was about to do. As she was about ready to grab her stuff and come out, she found me standing at her office door, completely dressed in my school clothes.
She started having a fit on me and asking me why I wasn't dressed. I told her it really didn't matter if I was on the field or not since she refused to allow me to contribute to the team whatsoever. She started to come back at me and yell at me, but I was done. My body shook as I firmly told her that I worked just as hard as everyone else, and that my playing time was a joke. I told her I was done, handed her my uniform, turned my back to her, and walked away as she continued to yell at me and tell me she'd try to give me more playing time in the next game. I was always respectful to my teachers and coaches, and this time was no different. But there was no way she was going to intimidate me into getting back out on the field. I was so done.
Fast forward to present day.
Big I started playing youth field hockey this fall. She's in 3rd grade and the program just started this year for 2nd graders through 6th graders. The program should be a big boost to the already very good junior high and high school field hockey programs as these kids grow up and get on those teams. Around here, if you don't start a sport by the time you reach your 1st birthday, you're pretty much screwed when it comes to future success and playing time. Soccer programs start at the age of 2. Swimming starts at the age of 6 months. If I hadn't found out about the field hockey program, can you imagine how far behind Big I would have been when she hit 7th grade?
Last week they started scrimmaging. Big I was a wreck. She was so worried about playing the right way and doing a good job. With very little actual instruction on how to play the game, the kids went out on the fields and played six on six. I thought she did a great job for having no clue what was going on. She played somewhat aggressively and I was proud of her.
However, there were two girls on the team, both her age, who were amazingly good. One of the Mom's was serving as the coach for her team as she subbed kids in and I commented about how well her daughter was playing. "Oh," she said, "Yeah well she played on a club league all last year with the other girl."
My heart sank. Wanting to spare Big I the same disappointment that I did, I signed her up for the program thinking she would be ahead or at least at the same level. Once again, we seem to have missed the boat. Clearly, if I don't want her to be warming the bench in the later years, I'm going to need to find out about club hockey, and push her to practice all the time.
The thing is, as a 3rd grader, how is it possible to know what you want to do? How is it possible to not get burnt out from a sport if you start it so very young? What if she decides she wants to play tennis four years from now? Will she get cut because she didn't start swinging a racket when she was three?
I know that sports are great for confidence building, especially with girls. But I can't help but wonder if all this youth sport business isn't setting a huge amount of kids up for major disappointment later in life.
In a couple weeks, I'll be signing Big I up for age group swim team and I'm so afraid that she's already going to be starting miles behind everyone else.
If you had as dismal a fantasy football week as I did, go check out my latest column at Bulls N Balls.
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Wow, BBM, that really hits home. I feel there is far too much pressure on children to grow up too fast, to be “on their game” 24-7 instead of being children. What happened to just playing for fun to learn the game? When did it switch from innocence to full-on competition? Too many parents push their kids to do grown-up things and I feel it’s just far too much. I want my child to have fun and not get an ulcer at the age of 5 because he can’t kick a soccer ball like his friends, or throw a curve ball, or beat the record in the crawl. It’s ridiculous! Parents need to recognize when they’re living vicariously through their children to obtain the glory. It’s just too much.
C has decided that she will only do dance and maybe ice skating and I know that this is the reason. At six, she already sees in phys. ed. the kids who have been in soccer/basketball since two and she (with her lack of hand-eye coordination) made it clear she doesn’t want to compete and is much more comfortable with books. That is her decision and I support it. Besides, I can’t push her into every activity because being home as a family is just as important. Maybe she’ll be angry with me later for not making her try them all. I’ll handle that when it comes. For now, she can be six, jumping in leaves, playing with Barbies, and not worrying about where she needs to be and when.
This is the major reason I don’t even bother to check into getting Lil’ M involved in sports. I know he’d love to just play soccer or basketball on a team, but with the Cerebral Palsy he won’t be as fast or as proficient as the other kids (although I don’t doubt that he could go as far as he wanted to given time) and would never get to play. That defeats the entire purpose.
So I’m looking into fencing for him. It’s an individual sport that only requires one hand, so he’s on an even keel with other kids at his level.
Oh, BBM, I hear ya! I have felt this same pressure and luckily have not given in. Kids are far too overscheduled and far to stressed-it’s ridiculous and parents really should be ashamed of themselves for doing this. Yea,yea, yea-some parent will come out of the woodwork and say, “My daughter LOVES doing all these activities…blah blah blah.” Truth is, if the kids don’t know any differently, of course they will love it. Kids should play for fun, not competition, at this age. It amazes me that the biggest reason our educational systems are failing-this being the teaching practice of making the kids feel good about themselves instead of teaching kids how to handle failure, no cut policies, etc.-is not found in many early sports programs. This is why we do the Little Gym instead of an organized team. Builder Boy learns the fundamentals of ALL sports in a fun, non-competitive environment. He gets to figure out what he likes at his pace and without pressure. Let’s face it, a very low percentage will play professional ball or get athletic scholarships, so let them just have fun and get exercise. (getting off of my soapbox…)
With my oldest daughter playing CYO soccer in grade school, we thought that, a few camps, and maybe some additional play in a rec league would be fine for when she got to high school. Boy were we in for a surprise! She made JV, but didn’t get beyond that.
It wasn’t so bad, since soccer was a social thing for her anyway, and she met one of her best friends even today on that JV team.
With my younger daughter who is a volleyball player, we had her playing club ball once she showed she really liked vb and had a talent for it. She played on national teams for five years in addition to her school teams and did a lot of extra training.
She’s playing for a small college now, starting as a freshman, having a real impact on the team, and having the time of her life.
I don’t know what the answer is, if there even is one. I try to encourage my kids to be curious and brave. If there’s something they want to try, they should try it and I’ll support them. Don’t be afraid of failure.
If I can help my kids understand one thing, it’s that life is a marathon and they shouldn’t let something as ridiculous as a learning curve keep them from doing something that they want to do. Had I found Jiu Jitsu at 10, I’d probably be really good at it now… but as I approach 39, what difference would it make if I had started at 10 or at 12? 15? Hell, would I be THAT much better if I had started at 25? Probably not. I’m just glad that I had the guts to take it up at 36 and hope that my kids learn the lesson that it’s never too late to start, and that it doesn’t matter whether someone else has 1, 10 or 25 years more experience than you. If you enjoy it and it keeps you moving, more power to you.
Well, that and they should eat a green vegetable with every single meal. 🙂
I’m in the same boat! I didn’t play a single sport until my sophomore year in high school, and I SUCKED at it because I hadn’t been playing forever. I felt left out and ridiculous. But in retrospect, I’m angry that the coaches didn’t take the time to teach me even the basic rules. No-one did. It’s insane that I should have already known them!
I’m always torn about stuff with my kids; it was the worst with One. I felt this huge pressure to put her into something, ANYTHING, just to get her started before it was “too late”. But she hated everything I put her in. So I’ve backed off. We’ll try new things, and if she gets interested in something and wants to stick with it- I’ll do what my parents never did and teach her myself. Books, videos, extra camps- if they want. I’m sure those other kids who have been playing since they were 2 will have an edge, but honestly- I don’t think it’s worth it. What are the chances that the child *enjoyed* doing it? I’d rather my kids just be kids, and when they need my support, I’ll gladly pour it on.
I so fully agree when you say “The thing is, as a 3rd grader, how is it possible to know what you want to do?”…and there are people pushing their kids to do stuff from the age of 2 on. There’s just too much pressure.
As someone who has coached at the highest level of youth hockey in MN for the past 14 years, I’ve seen things like this that make me sick. However, in spite of how it may appear, the kids who have been playing hockey since they’ve been fetuses only have an advantage when they are young. If your child loves the sport, as painful as it may be to endure the intial years, where you invariably will encounter politics and nepotism, the cream always rises to the top. There is no substitute for athletic ability and hard work. Competitive sports, while often unfair and disheartening are a microcosm of the world we live in. If encouraged by the right coach kids will develop self esteem and learn to push themselves. My son dropped out of hockey at the age of 10 because he received similar treatment to what BBM experienced. He found swimming and it excelling in the sport. Great topic BBM!