June 24, 2009

I’ve Been Keeping a Big Secret

For the past month or so, you may have noticed that my writing became less and less about karate. It's not that I haven't been writing about it. I've just been keeping a big secret. When I started writing this blog many years ago, I decided to call it "Black Belt Mama." Calling it "Green Belt Mama" seemed silly. I wasn't planning on staying that color or rank forever. The whole purpose of the blog was to write about my journey to Shodan and beyond.

In October 2007, I was feeling ready to test and then I tore my ACL and my martial arts world was shattered. It's been a long and challenging road back. I decided after my injury, that if I stayed a brown belt forever, I'd be ok with that. I have never been the girl who intended upon getting her black belt and leaving. I've always known that Shodan is just the beginning. If I had to stay at 1st kyu forever, well then "1st Kyu Forever" sounded like a decent blog name too. . .

On Friday night however, I'll get the opportunity to make my blog name legit. That's right people. I've been holding out on you. I am testing for Shodan Friday night.

I've known for a while and I've been working really hard at it. I've frequently been in the dojo four or five times a week for the past few months, sweating more than I ever have, even more than when I work out with my killer of a trainer.

When I officially found out, I told my good blogging friend John Vesia of Martial Views. He strongly recommended I keep it to myself, saying that he thought I'd go into it with more personal spirit if I kept it quiet on the blog. I agreed and so I kept quiet about it. I decided to tell all of you today, because my personal spirit is plentiful. I decided to tell you today, because I know so many of you have followed my journey and have been pulling for me. I think I'll feel even better knowing that I have all of you cheering me on from afar, keeping your fingers, eyes, and appendages crossed, and maybe even saying a little prayer that all goes well.

Plus, if I don't pass the test, you'll all wonder why I moved to Siberia and decided to abandon the blog. If you don't hear from me at all next week, this way, you'll know what happened.

What you'll find below is my writing over the past couple weeks as I entered the final preparation for testing. See, I wasn't really holding out on you after all. 😉

June 1, 2009

A couple weeks after I returned to karate, people started preparing for annual training and testing. Many people from our dojo are testing this summer for varying ranks and although I had at once hoped that I returned in enough time to get sharp before testing, I wasn't getting my hopes up.

Each week, as I stood in class people continued to ask me if I was going to test this summer.

"No," I'd say, "I doubt it."

"Yes, you are," my one particular 1st kyu training friend would say.

Usually testing is in August. This year it got moved up to June. I felt like losing those two months put me at a huge disadvantage. I felt like I needed those two months. I concentrated on getting the kata back in there and kept the thought of testing on the back burner.

A couple week ago, I arrived at the dojo a little early for the second class and was stretching out my legs when I overheard Hanshi say "I'm going to kill her." Kyoshi and another Renshi-Kai instructor were talking with him just then and although I wasn't at all paying attention to their conversation before, this killing business caught my attention. I sat up straight and looked at Hanshi as he walked by me and he kind of gestured at me and laughed that Hanshi laugh where you don't know if he's going to tickle you or potentially end your life.

I looked at Kyoshi and Mr. M with a puzzled look and said it wasn't very comforting to hear a 9th degree black belt say they are going to kill you. Mr. M said, "He's talking about testing." Kyoshi, Hanshi's wife added, "He's just kidding." Although I maybe should have assumed that they intended for me to test this summer then, I left it go right over my head. I mean, he didn't have to kill me this summer. He could wait until next summer to kill me right? I was in complete denial, despite the fact that I have more than enough time in between 1st kyu and Shodan, despite the fact that I've been a 1st kyu since 2007.

Still denying that it was happening, I continued to train as if I was going to test, but assumed I was not. That seemed to work well for me and I continued to get my kata back, work on bunkai and feel better each time I trained. I was spending a lot of time in the dojo-at least four nights a week.

Two weeks ago, Hanshi approached me during a water break at a black belt/wanna-be-black belt training session over the weekend. He said he wanted to let me know he'd be looking at my kata, open hand and kobudo and bunkai, but that I should take the kumite worry off the table. I had told him during our dojo dinner that my surgeon told me it was taking an unnecessary risk to spar again.

As he told me this, I nodded and then he walked away. In my head, I was thinking "Are we going to spar today?" and then it hit me, "He's talking about testing!"

I eeked out a quiet and shocked "thank you."

After the training session, I found my long-time training friend and instructor and told him about my encounter.

"So, do you think that means I'm testing?" I asked him, still wanting a billboard, I guess, to make it perfectly clear to me.

"Yeah, I think it's pretty clear that you are," he said and then may have mumbled something about me needing a sledge hammer to hit me over the head with it.

Still, I continued to train hard but didn't quite believe it. I did, however, tell my 1st kyu friend that "yes, I'm testing" to which he probably responded with "told ya so." I didn't write about it because I honestly still didn't believe it.

Last week, I got an email from Hanshi, asking me for my belt size. He was ordering the black belts. I think it was probably one of the best emails I've ever received. It was certainly the sledge hammer my head needed.

I have been training for this for so long and I can't believe that testing is now less than four weeks away. I've been training about 12 hours per week and falling asleep rehearsing my bunkai in my head as I drift off. I've been living and breathing karate now for months and although I didn't think it was possible a few months ago, I now know that I am close to being ready for that test.

Honestly though, just being recognized by my instructors, that they think I'm ready to test has been such an honor already. When I think about the fact that 19 months ago, I couldn't even walk on my own, I know I've come a really long way. This is one journey that is about to get a lot more interesting.

June 4, 2009

Tonight, Big I spent some time drawing while I was busy working out on the dojo floor. When I was finished, she handed me her finished product. On it was a list. It said:

"These are the top 5 reasons why I like you:"
1. smart
2. funny
3. tough
4. sweet
5. Black Belt Mama

Here's hoping she's right about that last one. We'll find out in 22 days.

June 9, 2009

This week, I will pre-test before the actual black belt test on June 26th. I think I've already been pre-tested on some levels. This past Saturday, Hanshi was obviously watching me and another 1st kyu very closely. He offered some suggestions and corrections, but overall, I think we both did fairly well.

I definitely know my stuff. Now I'm working on making sure I have things exact, making sure I have all the movements of the kata, and trying to incorporate proper breathing.

I've been fluctuating between being a little nervous to just wanting it over with. After spending Monday through Thursday nights at the dojo and sometimes Saturday mornings too for weeks now, I am definitely tired. I also think I'm ready.

I know I'm going to have nerves on the night of the test, but I am hoping that I know my stuff well enough that I can put the nerves away or use them as fuel and just go on auto-pilot.

Last night, I spent three hours at the dojo. Five of us went through our kobudo and open hand bunkai and then we moved into kata. We did every open hand kata and then made our way through all of the kobudo katas. I made a couple mistakes, but the worst one was when I brought my bo around and came a little too close to my bulky knee brace. The bo got caught on the side of the brace and flew out of my hands and onto the floor. I yelled as it happened because it surprised me so. The guys kept going and I just picked my bo up and got back into the flow.

When we were finished with the kata, one of the guys told me that if that happens in testing, I'm going to get laughed at, but I should just smile, take the hits and get ready for the next thing. Mistakes happen, everyone makes them. I'm just hoping that I don't have such a huge one like that one while testing.

Summer testing is well attended. In addition to all of the Renshi-Kai sitting up front, the floor is usually surrounded by observers and the waiting area is frequently standing room only. It's a lot of pressure and it's also extremely hot. Our dojo only has window air conditions and when there are that many people? They don't really do the trick.

Last night, I think I could have wrung out my gi after practicing for three hours. I doubt the night of testing will be any different. I've put a lot of sweat equity into preparing for testing and I am hoping it pays off with steady nerves and a good performance on the night of testing.

June 10, 2009

Last week, I was mentally exhausted. In addition to many hours at the dojo, I was having killer problems with allergies. My allergy meds make me a grumpy girl. It was a bad week. Last week, I couldn't imagine training like I've been training for even one more week.

This week, things are different.

On Saturday I'm leaving for a week at the beach. This week it's been my mission to make sure I have everything planned out and solidly in my head before I leave. When I come back from vacation, there are only three nights of training before I'll officially test. In order for me to enjoy my vacation, I need to be ready before vacation.

I am hoping that Hanshi will allow me to pre-test tomorrow night. I'm ready to roll and if I am allowed to do it tomorrow, then I'll be able to leave with the rest of my family on vacation. If not, I'll have to kiss them goodbye and drive to North Carolina by myself once I finish up on Saturday. I'm not excited about a solitary drive over the Chesapeake Bay Bridge/Tunnel, envisioning the movie "Daylight" no doubt as I frantically speed through the tunnels solo. I am really hoping I get to pre-test tomorrow for that reason. Hanshi's response was "maybe Thursday" when I asked.

I'll be saying a little prayer tonight.

I definitely feel ready. I know there are things I can still fix, but I've worked out as many kinks as possible.

Tonight at the dojo, I asked one of my black belt friends how exactly you're supposed to put the black belt on. Our black belts come with writing on both ends of the belt. One end says our style and the other says our name in Japanese kanji. Another 1st kyu and I got a lesson in how to tie it tonight and I'm hoping I can get it right if I pass the test.

16 days until official testing. At this point, I just want to get it over with. It seriously can't come soon enough. After all the hard work and late nights of training, I now understand why new Shodan's sometime disappear for a little while. I'm not planning on disappearing after the test, but this five days a week at the dojo business is going to stop. I think I'll probably sleep for a week.

June 11, 2009

Tonight, another first kyu and I pre-tested for our black belts. I had imagined pre-testing as a sweaty and exhausting affair. It was not at all what I expected.

Hanshi took me and the other 1st kyu downstairs while everyone else continued training upstairs. I thought he'd have us run through our open hand and kobudo kata, and possibly our bunkai, but we didn't.

Instead, Hanshi asked us to get into a good seisan stance. He then asked me how I would explain and demonstrate this stance for a new student. We went back and forth like this for a while, getting into different stances and having Hanshi ask us questions about them. We'd do several kicks and then he'd ask us to explain different things about the kicks. After we were finished explaining, he'd add to it. I learned so much about my style, Okinawan Kenpo, tonight.

At one point, Hanshi was having a conversation with another teacher and the other 1st kyu looked at me and said quietly, "Are you nervous?"

I said, "No, I'm not." The truth is, I didn't even know how to be nervous because what he had us do was so completely unexpected. I didn't have time to be nervous about it. I just answered the questions the best that I could and got ready for the next one.

The other 1st kyu and I did just fine. Sure, we stumbled over some explanations from time to time, but when all was said and done, Hanshi nodded and told us that he knows we can do our kata. He wanted to see how we would teach something to someone else.

If tonight is any indication of how I'll be during the actual test, just 15 days from now, then I think I'll be fine. I didn't have any nerves. I just did my thing (the thing I did just wasn't what I was expecting was going to be expected of me).

In two days I leave for vacation and I can now go with a clear head. I haven't allowed myself to even think about the beach because pre-testing has been my only focus. Tomorrow I'm going to pack, making sure to take my karate weapons along for the ride. This week I'll relax, spend time with my family, and practice kata on the beach. When I come back, I'll have less than a week until testing.

And I?

I'll be ready.

June 24, 2009

So I was completely naive to think that pre-testing was over with. Last night was four hours of pre-testing. We started off with self defense. The six of us who are testing lined up in a row and took turns going through three rounds each of attacking the person at the front of the line. We started with wrist, arm, and lapel grabs. Each of us fought off 15 attacks while being carefully watched.

We took a little break, went around and said what we could improve on and then we were back at it. This time it was headlocks and all kinds of chokes. By the end of these rounds, we all had red necks and some fingerprint indentations.

Next, we did some kata. While I was on vacation, the rest of the testing group did their kata and had to do their testing kata solo. I had to do every kata solo last night. Not only that, but for the last four, I had to do it in front of three of the Renshi-kai (the people who decide whether or not you get your black belt-the very high up's who have been doing karate forever).

For the first kata, my least favorite of them all, Nai Hanshi Sandan, I kept messing up. I ended up having to do it probably four times. I was doing some things incorrectly and after doing them the wrong way for so long, it's difficult to fix it right away. I did my best, but the nerves were getting the best of me. I rationalized that I better get used to people looking at me before Friday so I made myself get over it and got back on track.

Surprisingly enough, the two kata that I thought I would get killed on, I didn't. One is a breathing kata, Seisan, and the other, Pinan Godan, starts off with some of that same breathing business. I frequently forget to breathe during other kata, but during these two, I have practiced plenty and feel at least adequate. The Renshi-Kai made a couple minor corrections, but I ended on a fairly good note.

One of the other guys who is testing came up to me and told me my pre-test had been "trial by fire." Apparently, while I was away, no one else had to do all their kata in front of so many Renshi-Kai, and add to that by themselves. To be honest, I'm thankful. It gave me really good practice for Friday night and I'm always grateful for corrections. I'm even more grateful when they nod an "ok" to you, that you've done things well. Man, do those feel good; they actually feel more like relief.

While everyone else took a water break and the Renshi-Kai discussed things quietly, I took to the floor and worked on Nai Hanshi Sandan some more. It is so difficult to fix these things that you've been doing wrong for so long, but I don't want to mess it up on Friday night. Kyoshi came out and did the kata with me a few times and I got more details on how to do things properly.

Then it was on to self defense against a club, knife and gun. It was very challenging, but I did my best. I tried to draw on things I've practiced in the past and just go with it. Thinking about things too much has definitely been my enemy lately. I think I did ok. I wasn't perfect by any means, but I don't think anyone really was. It was one of those things you just get through to the best of your ability, and resolve to work on in the future.

I left the dojo around 11 p.m. and arrived home completely exhausted but unable to sleep. Something tells me the inability to sleep is going to only get worse before Friday.

This morning, I have a very sore neck (chokes and head-locks I'm thinking), a sore spot on my jaw, and a super sore spot on the back of my hand that I have no idea how I got. I'm thinking though, that if I got through last night, then I can definitely make it through Friday night's testing. Maybe that was the whole point.