When Life Hands You Lemons
There is no denying that tearing my ACL was a horrible experience. . . initially. Crutches and braces for months at a time sucked. Living through the initial pain of the surgery and then finding out another surgery was necessary was just plain hell.
But if I consider the ACL tear pain and challenges a giant lemon in my life, I'd have to also admit that I have tried to make lemonade, given the circumstances.
I've never been one to give up easily, but sometimes, throughout the past 17 months, I even surprised myself. Sure I had my weepy moments where I felt sorry for myself. I can't deny that. I went through a stage where I needed to surround myself with all things martial arts. I read books, crutched my way up the dojo stairs to watch classes, and spent hours visualizing my kata so that I wouldn't slip behind and forget.
And then I had a period where the last thing I wanted to be around was martial arts. I asked Mr. BBM to take Big I to karate classes. I went through a period where it was too difficult for me mentally, to be there, watching the others enjoy the karate classes I knew I'd be missing for a long time. I stopped reading martial arts blogs for quite some time too. I couldn't take it. As happy as I was for my blogger friends and their promotions, etc., I couldn't bring myself to visit with any regularity. Commenting without sounding like I was feeling sorry for myself wasn't possible, so I stopped commenting. They stopped coming here too; and I hope they know that it wasn't anything personal. It was just a bad mental spot where I lingered for a while.
Then I started to feel better. It wasn't great. I dealt with over a year of pain until I went back for the second surgery; but I found encouragement through my physical therapist who has become a friend. I had some extraordinary friends who kept me positive and were always asking me how I was doing, some physically half a world away. I had great help from my family. I found courage through my personal trainer who went through the same surgery and completely knew how I was feeling and what I needed to do. I've never been a gym person, but I pushed myself to get there and work harder. I never would have joined the gym and worked so hard if it hadn't been an absolute necessity. I would have made excuses about the cost, the time issue, and anything else that I could have mustered. Instead, my health and fitness has become a top priority and I'm better off for it. I'm probably in the best shape of my life. Without the ACL tear, that never would have happened.
I can finally say that I feel like I am coming out the other side of a long dark tunnel. My knee is feeling fantastic. It's obvious I'm getting stronger and my left leg is finally catching up with my right.
That's why this award, the "When Life Hands You Lemons" award from Marguerite, means an awful lot to me. Thank you Marguerite!!!
As with any blog award, there are some rules.
- Post the logo on your blog.
- Nominate blogs that show great attitude or gratitude
- Link to the nominees within your blog post.
- Notify the recipients of the award by commenting on their blog.
- Share the love and link back to the person from whom you received your award.
So now it's my turn to nominate some people who know how to make lemonade when life has dealt them some seriously sour lemons. I have two people in mind.
The first award goes to Renovation Girl. After dealing with an upsetting miscarriage only months ago, last week Renovation Girl launched "Find Your Happiness Friday" on her blog. In her situation, I'd have trouble finding happiness anywhere, yet she has and is encouraging her readers to do so too. She's a lemonade master.
The second recipient of this award goes to my ACL buddy Hackshaft. He had ACL reconstruction surgery only a few weeks after I had mine and he totally beat me back to the dojo. Then, only months later, he tore the ACL in his other leg. Yet the man has been nothing but positive. I have already told my husband that if I tear mine again, he will have to restrain me from jumping off a cliff. Hackshaft, on the other hand, reasoned that he got through it once-he would do it again. And I swear that within minutes of him leaving the hospital, he had a counter back on his blog for when he can return to the dojo. Talk about making lemonade out of not one, but two lemons.
Thank you again to Marguerite. You truly made my day! Hackshaft and Renovation Girl, I hope I've made yours too!
For additional reading, you might want to check this out. It's a list of the Top 50 Self Defense Blogs out there with a nice little description about each one. I happen to be on it. Cool.
Tonight I'm the guest on Karl's Talk Radio show at Talk Shoe. The time is 10 P.M. EST. If you're planning on listening in, go and register with Talk Shoe now so you can participate in the chat, ask questions via the chat or even call in! Hope to see you there!
Like Riding a Bicycle. . . but With Elbows
Sometimes I feel like my karate instructors can read my mind. After returning to karate after nearly a year and a half hiatus, I can't deny that there were some unpleasant thoughts going through my head.
What if I lost it all? What if I can't remember any of my self defense? How am I going to adjust and adapt how I do things considering I used to use my knees and legs for much of my self defense? There's nothing quite like a solid knee or punt of a kick to the groin when it comes to defending yourself against a guy. With that option not looking as good now, I wondered if I'd have to go back to scratch, and find new favorite techniques to use.
Last night, I found out that my alternative options work just fine. I officially have some new favorites and I think it's a positive thing to be forced to change things up. It's easy to rely on only the techniques that we favor, but when forced to think and work outside of the box, some new patterns emerge.
We worked on some pushing hands drills initially and although it felt really funny at first, I could see the point by the end of the exercise. After feeling each other out during the drill, we ramped things up and worked on finding ways to gain advantage and get in some good techniques.
Just as before, I found myself uttering "sorry" when things didn't go as I'd planned or hoped they would go. I'm also really good at scoffing at myself. My instructor kept gently reminding me to keep my mouth shut. I really need to work on replacing my apologies with a good kiai instead.
After working on this drill for a while, we worked on some other self defense. With my back turned to the three guys, I had to casually turn around as an attacker came from behind with whatever technique they felt like throwing. It reminded me of blindfolded self defense. It was uncomfortable and scary-butterflies in the stomach inducing too. The turning part alone gave me pause with my knee that doesn't want to believe it's capable of twisting and turning quite yet. I was also unsure how I would react and whether or not my self defense techniques would surface without me having to consciously draw them back out of hiding.
It's always a concern. Will those moves be there when you need them? Will you react the way you've been trained, even if you haven't practiced in a while?
We ran through several rounds and despite the one time that my instructor threw a punch and I threw up a messy block and strike which was more like me punching his punch (dies of embarrassment), I felt I held my own. Even when I clearly felt I had messed up, my instructor countered with, "Well did you get hit?" I had not.
I found out my new tendencies are to go for the throat and that I also really like to throw elbows-a good thing when you have pointy ones like mine.
I'm finding that coming back to karate after all this time off is much like riding a bicycle. I might be a little shaky at first; but the skill is definitely there, even if it's a little dusty from all the time hanging out in the "garage."
Why a Kid Needs to Learn to Fail Successfully
Filed under: Admired Martial Artists Month, Guest Post, Tales from the dojo
By: Ann-Marie K. Heilman, Kyoshi
Okinawa Kenpo Karate Kobudo
Heilman Karate Academy, Inc.
In talking to a parent recently about his daughter’s review for belt ranking, I was surprised that he accepted my explanation that she could not test because she did not have all the material necessary to do so. Why was I surprised? Because no matter how many times I say “review," an adult will argue that a child’s “self esteem” will be diminished if they don’t succeed at every task placed in front of them including minor ones.
In the ensuing conversation we both agreed that she had heard me say that it was only a review to check her progress. Being a coach himself, he understood the importance of high standards. However, we both agreed that somewhere things had gone wrong in coaching and that everyone was expected to “play." Not only that, but everyone was expected to “win."
I am looking at a far greater picture here and it involves both my profession as a Board Certified Behavior Analyst (you know, behavior charts, stickers for good behavior, blah, blah, blah), and my belief that a dojo cannot award mediocrity because your life may depend on what I teach you.
I am in favor of positive reinforcement. I am also in favor of failure. Why? Because I don’t think people know how to fail correctly. Failure used to mean that you worked harder to succeed at the task so that you never had that feeling again. Parents supported you through the failure and coached you to “try again” and again and again until you either succeeded or switched gears and did something else. Once again, you accepted “failure” (maybe you switched from basketball to baseball) and moved on but no one worried that your “self esteem” was damaged forever. I won’t get into that “self esteem” stuff right now. I just want to point out that I see a dangerous road here and many dojo owners are following that road without questioning why they are doing it.
For years we have been positively reinforcing good behavior, good deeds, good something and somehow, some way, we have bought into the “lets reward them for breathing because, if we don’t, their 'self esteem' will be fractured and their lives will come crashing down around them and all is lost" (and it’s the teacher’s or the parent’s fault because they didn’t teach well enough). Let me say that I don’t buy into this baloney although I once did. I have experienced enough of life to now say unequivocally that it isn’t success from which I have learned the most – it was failing and sometimes miserable (the misery was all mine until I fixed “it”, whatever needed to be redone or relearned).
What does this have to do with a dojo? As I stated, your life may, literally, depend on what I teach you. And a child who may have to resist a possible abductor may need every GOOD technique taught them, not a sticker for “trying hard."
I am deeply concerned about “our” kids today. Where are the high standards of yore when you worked and worked at a goal until you succeeded? Parents encouraged you but did not fight with the teacher (or sensei) that “but my child tried so hard!” Again, I repeat myself, what is wrong with working towards a goal until you actually succeed?
I am now seeing young adults who are literally crushed by defeat. They can’t get off their duffs and start looking for work after losing a job because they have never experienced “losing.” They don’t know how to pick themselves up, go to Plan B, or C, and go forward because all their lives they have been allowed to NOT fail; someone has pleaded their case and argued that their “self esteem” will be diminished and their lives on hold until they succeed at the task (usually instant promotion or instant “A” as in grading a paper).
Again, what has this to do with a dojo? Because the father I was speaking to regarding his daughter’s review knew that she wasn’t going to get her belt that day – there were some things that she needed to work on – and despite her complaints that she “did the best she could,” it was still not good enough. And that is why I like to call such activities “reviews.” Even the word “test” seems to have lost its meaning. Every time you are put “to the test,” are you really expecting to pass? Only if you have done the work that qualifies you to pass, I hope. You won’t get a “sticker” if your self-defense works for you on the street. You get to keep your life. If I have allowed you or your child to get belt after belt because you showed up for class and paid your dues and not because you learned the material and excelled at it, then shame on me. And if you failed a test, did you find out what you did wrong and pass with flying colors the next time you tested? Or did you quit saying the test, or the teacher/sensei was “unfair? Life is unfair. We need to teach how to go past failure and succeed.
And there ends my rant for today after opening the can of worms known as positive reinforcement for breathing or “how do I keep them in the dojo so that I can pay my bills?" If I have to keep a kid’s (or adult’s) self-esteem at a high level and not allow them to fail and promote them at every turn for techniques that are sloppy, inadequate, and downright poor – then the doors to the dojo will have to close.
For more about Kyoshi Heilman, please go here.
To be entered to win one of several great prizes, please leave a comment!
Not One of Those Posts
People hate posts where you write about how you have nothing to write about. This is not one of those posts.
However, after a week of hitting the gym a couple times and attending karate two nights a week, I am completely exhausted and lacking in the inspiration department. Plus, I spent the day outside yesterday, trying to remove a few of the bazillion rocks that are in my mud pit of a yard; and now I truly do feel like scratching my own eyes out is my only option. Nine days until my allergy doctor appointment. It can't come soon enough, despite the torture I know I'm in for while there (My Mom is a nurse there-she's warned me).
We wanted to seed our yard yesterday but it's going to be too cold this week, so instead we're considering returning the seed and just installing some stadium seating. Truly, I think it would be easier to set up a real live mud pit, than it will be to have a decent yard this year. I may be wrong, but right now it's not looking good.
Tomorrow, another exciting guest post will be published here on BBM. This one is from Kyoshi Heilman and she's discussing a topic near and dear to my heart. I can't wait to put it up. Martial artist or not, you won't want to miss it.
Friday, Renovation Girl started "Find Your Happiness Friday" and if you're looking to make positive changes in your life, you'll want to check out her post and participate.
On Thursday evening, I'll be a guest on Secondhand Radio. If you're interested in attending the show, I suggest you register at Talk Shoe this week. There's a chat room and there's also a number where you can call in to ask me questions, or just chat with me and Karl. The show starts at 10 p.m. EST, and I'm sure we'll be talking about something fabulous.
Enjoy the rest of your weekend, and don't forget to leave a comment at The BBM Review. There's only one day left to enter for your chance to win one of three Spa Break gift baskets. Also, leave a post on any Admired Martial Artist post this month, and you'll be entered to win one of several great MA prizes.
Rihanna as Role Model
When the whole Chris Brown/Rihanna thing happened a couple weeks ago, there's no denying that it bothered me. I happen to like the music of both artists. There were different viewpoints all over the place. On MTV.com, there were a ton of people blaming Rihanna for what happened. It was mostly young girls and it was deplorable. There were calls for Rihanna to leave Chris Brown. She even got a scolding from the almighty Oprah. Even martial arts bloggers picked up the issue and asked whether or not it was related to some MA training Chris Brown had as a kid. It was everywhere and I felt that everything had been said about it, but I don't feel that way anymore.
Yesterday, I read an interesting post on BlogHer about Nickolodeon refusing to remove Chris Brown from the Kids Choice awards ballot despite the fact that he had been charged with a felony and pretty much admitted everything. The post mentioned a petition that was circulating asking Nickolodeon to remove him and Rihanna from the ballot. In a little over a couple hours, the petition signatures had swelled to over 12,000. Nickolodeon refused to remove Brown from the ballot, but Chris Brown eventually (after asking all his MySpace followers to vote for him) withdrew his name from consideration. I was one of the people who signed the petition.
Do I think Rihanna did anything wrong? Do I think she should be punished for getting her face rearranged by her boyfriend?
Absolutely not, but Rihanna is no role model.
According to the American Institute on Domestic Violence, 5.3 million women are abused each year. 1,232 women are killed by an intimate partner. 85-95% of all domestic abuse victims are women. Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women. According to asafeplaceforhelp.org, Every 9 seconds, a woman is battered by her husband. 42% of murdered women are murdered by their intimate partner.
I learned this in a class in college, but nearly 90% of all women in prison for murder are there because they murdered an abusive intimate partner.
We all pay for domestic violence because health-related costs of rape, physical assault, stalking, and homicide by intimate partners exceed $5.8 billion each year.
I am not naive about the impact that abuse has on the psyche of a woman. I know that this is a pattern and that many women have no way of leaving this pattern of abuse. Many women are trapped out of fear, but a lot more of them are trapped because of finances. They have nowhere to go and no money to get out.
This is not the case with Rihanna. She has the financial means to get away from him. She has body guards to protect and keep her safe. She has a family that supports her. She has a huge fan base that does too.
Yet she has chosen to stay.
I'm not blaming her for what has happened to her. I don't feel it is in any way, shape, or form her fault. Not if she threw Brown's keys out of the car, not if (like many rumor mills are saying) she gave him an STD. But that doesn't mean I have to allow her to be looked upon as a role model by my children. Is she what we aspire for our young daughters to be someday? Successful enough to support herself and then some, but choosing to stay with a man who beats her?
Not a role model.
We've probably all had a relationship at one time or another that was unhealthy. I stayed with a total jerk for a year and even went back to him years later because I thought what we had, despite all the problems we had, was love. I was very wrong.
I think it's important for girls to know the components of a healthy relationship. It's also important for them to know that what the heart may feel isn't necessarily the right thing.
Rihanna had a rare opportunity, being as famous as she is, to stand up and walk away from Brown. She had a story that could have saved girls for generations to come, from being trapped inside a bad relationship. Yet for now, she's choosing to stay in a national media spotlight as the complete opposite, and that earned both Brown and Rihanna another name on the petition.
Rihanna could have been a national spokesperson against domestic violence and she would have reached millions of young girls and boys with her powerful message. Instead, she's made herself the poster child for domestic violence and abuse, and I fear that the poster pictures of her in the future will only get worse.
I can't help but think that her song Rehab may have been reflecting her daily reality. At least her song lyrics send a different message than her choice to stay with Brown.
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