January 18, 2009
That Familiar Feeling
Before I tore my ACL, I would miss a karate class and Mr. BBM would know it. I was a cranky girl when I didn't get my weekly dose of dojo time. The frustration of dealing with barely being able to walk, being tied to crutches, being locked in an uncomfortable brace for weeks, and being in near constant pain made me even more cranky. Cranky just became part of my nature. Ok, I'll admit it's always been a part of my nature; but it became a much bigger part.
Joining the gym in October started to change that. Physical activity is an amazing thing for sanity and peace of mind. Breaking a sweat, working hard, making goals and meeting them really got me thinking about getting back in the dojo again. Sometimes, if you go so long without something, you forget how much it used to mean to you and how much you want it back in your life again. Then something reminds you and the drive to get back to doing what you used to love so much is right there again.
I wonder though, can it ever really be the same again? Class used to take me away from my stress. It was an escape and a release. With a brace locked securely around my leg and the all too vivid memory of what this past year has been like, can it ever be the same?
A friend who went through this with both knees once told me that it takes two years before you don't feel any twinges of pain or discomfort. Two years before thinking about your knee becomes secondary to living your life. I don't think I want to wait two years!
I made it my goal when I scheduled this last surgery that I would be back in the dojo around my birthday which is now just three weeks away. I was hoping I'd be back meeting with my trainer today instead of waiting for an open incision to close. I realize my goal of 2-7 may be a bit too ambitious.
In order to go back though, I think I'm going to have to allow myself to suck for a while. I'm going to have to dig deep inside to get through the frustration of uncomfortable stances and moves that don't want to come naturally anymore.
It's a lot of pressure to walk back into the dojo after over a year of not being there on a regular basis (other than to watch your daughter's class). As a 1st kyu who used to really know her stuff, it's disappointing to come back and not be at your best. You start to wonder if the newcomers think you're a slacker. Of course they don't know the whole story, but it doesn't matter. You're a brown belt, 1st kyu and you should know your stuff.
You should be able to sit in seiza (I still can't).
I am excited about the prospect of starting back up again in just a few short weeks. I just hope it doesn't take long for karate to feel the way it used to feel.
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It will come back faster than you think.
I had a nearly eight year hiatus from karate after I became pregnant with my first child, and then moved, mid-pregnancy to the other side of the country. Between repeated moves, another pregnancy, and financial strain, martial arts just always seemed to stay on the back burner. By the time I came back, I felt so unworthy of my brown belt that I had my new instructor restart me at white.
But it came back, and it came back pretty quickly. Over the four years I’ve been with my new sensei, I have often been frustrated at being constrained by the minimum time-in-belt after I got the belt requirements down in just a few weeks – despite not remembering them consciously to begin with.
My sensei says much what your friend does. It takes time to stop thinking about protecting your knees – but these days, he does better with his knees than I do with mine. He hasn’t had a knee problem of any kind in years, while I sprain my MCL about once annually.
It might not feel like it used to again, but it’s only your state of mind which determines whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing.
I think you’ll revel in working your way back up, once you get over what sounds like the initial ’embarrassment’ of not being able to do what you think you should be able to. Once that’s done, I expect your posts here to be all about karate again. You seem to love challenging yourself and working your way up (weights in gym, degrees of flexion), and I don’t think karate will be any different. It’s not like you’ve got anyone to keep up with, it’ll just be BBM vs ‘The Knee’ – and I know which I’d put my money on!
And don’t worry about the two years thing much at all, I don’t know about the rest of the guys who train and read here, but I almost constantly train with one pain or another. At the very least you’ll always know where yours will be for the day.
Besides, we’re supposed to be working towards first Dan together this year, remember?
p.s. Get me a Superbowl ticket?!?!?! What a result!
BBM, it’s tough when the simple joy of a martial arts class turns into something more complicated because of injury and self criticism–believe me, I know. I think it’s excellent that you signed up for a gym.
With any change or loss there is a a period of adjustment. One way you frame what you are going through as a “Grief cycle”. It has predictable and understandable process, not that that makes it easier.
The stages are commonly understood as…
1.Denile
2.Anger
3.Barganing
4.Depression
and finally
5.Acceptance
I experienced an acl tear with an ostiochondrial fracture a few years back. It takes you out of your normal routine,and removes pleasurable and even comforting practices. Dealing with the pyschological aspects for me was as hard as the physical. Give it time. There is no way to predict the outcomes. for me it was ten weeks before I could sit seiza. Now I back better than ever. 49 years old and I do or teach 6 to 7 classes a week (on top of my regular job and family.
I have faith you will be back hitting it again. When we hope at times it good to have people around us that can be hopeful with and for us.
“When we hope at times it good to have people around us that can be hopeful with and for us”.
Ironicaly, I lost the word “lose” in my previous post.
When we LOSE hope at times it good to have people around us that can be hopeful with and for us
I know it really sucks, and I feel guilty for having come through your first surgery so much faster, but the truth is that you really gotta focus on getting through each day as it comes. Don’t live for the future. Live for now. The future will SURELY take care of itself, and there’s nothing you can make happen with worrying. I think of my training as a martial artist as being at peace with my life as it comes. The pt was part of it. The pain is part of it. Everything is part of it, including the self-control of being patient, and who knows, this may be what the universe needs you to learn now. Your black belt will be much more sweetly earned. It’s not about being able to do the seiza. It’s about your unbreakable spirit. Maybe just talking with your sensei and training partners will help you to feel that you’re not alone. Blessings to you <3
You should not feel guilty! You should feel proud of how you sailed through it all. I’m hoping now that the final thing is finally fixed, I can start following down the path you’ve started!
BBM
So you can’t sit in seiza. Not a big deal. It’s funny, in all my years we were never required to sit in formal seiza. Maybe that’s just a thing with my style. I think you’ll warm up to those stances fairly quickly. The odd ones like koza dachi you’re going to have to be careful with at first.
Haven’t been by in a while, when are you returning to karate? Maybe I missed something. Good to see you got that surgery over with.
My goal is the week of my b-day, 2-7. We’ll see.
BBM