September 8, 2008

The Kickoff

Ah, fantasy football season. You start off with high expectations, and a roster that is hurricane force wind proof. You get excited because you realize that McNabb was a stellar draft pick. You get excited until you realize that you only have McNabb in one league and that your opponent in the other league is also experiencing ecstatic McNabb feelings.

Drat.

As it stands right now, I’ve lost miserably in my own league. In my other league, my only hope is that Jay Cutler hears my plea for him to get McNabb-like numbers. Otherwise, I will have suffered dual defeats.

With that in mind, I have some messages for my players:

Steven Jackson: What the. . .? No seriously. I didn’t draft you in the first round to watch you get washed up by the Eagles D. I mean, I realize they’re good and all, but you couldn’t break off just a couple longer runs or maybe one measly TD?

Willie Parker: I have nothing negative for you sweetheart. Everyone doubted you, but not me. Not ever. Thank you.

Michael Turner: Uh-huh, see Parker’s comment. You rock.

Braylon Edwards: Top 5 fantasy WR? I think not. You better bring it next week or you’ll find your hieney warming the bench.

Santonio Holmes: Did I miss the memo where you guys all decided that Ward was going to be the big deal this year? I would have appreciated some advance notice. Not at all COOL. It’s especially not cool because I own you and played you in both leagues. NOT COOL.

Heath Miller: I’ll let you slide. You’re a TE after all. Next week, I expect big things from you. . . at least bigger things anyway.

Giants D: You couldn’t manage to give me more than 5 points? You’re the Super Bowl D! Come on already!

Matt Forte: You should have told me you were going to be a stud. I’m so stupid for sitting you on my bench. Steven Jackson look out. Forte has put your starting status on official notice.

Housh: 4 points. No seriously! 4 points!!! Bring your seat cushion next week so your butt doesn’t get sore on my bench.

Chargers D: 2 points! 2 points! You should be ashamed of yourselves.

In other football related news, speculation is rampant that Tom Brady has torn his ACL. I got physically sick in my stomach when I watched that guy plow into his leg. The movement that his knee made. . . I could almost feel it. Although my leg went a different direction, that pop-inducing motion is the same. I may not be a NE fan, but I feel for you. Nintai.