August 4, 2008

Official Observer (But Not for Long)

This past weekend was the summer annual IKKF training camp. Last year, I got exactly one session in before landing on my head and being declared unable to go on by an urgent care physician. Whiplash was the diagnosis. This year, I managed to remain injury free, probably because I was relegated to the sidelines, acting instead as an observer/camp photographer at the request of the head of the organization and dojo. Because of the photographer role, I spent the weekend being the recipient of some serious scowling. Surprising, because what person doesn’t want to be photographed after sweating for six hours straight, two days in a row?

If there’s one thing this weekend taught me though, is that things happen for a reason.

I’ve attended three previous training camps. I would be lying if I told you I didn’t feel completely awkward and out of place at each and every one of them. The high ranking individuals all know each other well after training together for decades. Being there as a green or brown belt certainly gets you points for trying; but there is nothing like being in a room full of black belts to give you a major dose of "I seriously suck" reality.

I felt completely intimidated, unworthy and pathetic when I went to other training camps. Despite my role on the sidelines this time, I felt completely different. When you’re there on injured reserve, you get to quietly observe from the sidelines, but you also get to interact with high ranking individuals who have much to teach you even from the sidelines. I had some wonderful conversations with people I was previously too intimidated by to do more than smile, nod and run.

I learned that despite their high ranks, they’re normal people, fun people with much to offer someone trying to learn the art (and psych herself back up to get back at it again). I received much encouragement from people who have gone the ACL route before me. I learned a lot just by watching and being in the environment with so many interesting people.

Perhaps most importantly though, is that I now feel so much more comfortable around these people. Before they were the Renshi-Kai (and the other high ranking individuals from different styles like Kyoshi Hayes who come to our camps), the people who decided if you’d get your black belt or not. They were the ones who sit in the front when you test, with serious expressions and a clipboard, later deciding if all your hard work has paid off or not.

Now, I know that they are interesting and knowledgeable people who have much to offer. . . if only you’ll stick around for longer than a nervous smile before running away.

Before I tore my ACL, I was preparing for Shodan testing. I was feeling more and more confident about my kata and bunkai. I was gaining confidence overall. I wonder now if this injury happened when it did, only months before I was hoping to test, so that I’d have this time to get mentally ready and to interact with the people who previously would have made my knees shake. The biggest obstacle to getting that Shodan right now is me and the confidence (or lack thereof) that I have with regards to my knee.

On Saturday night at our annual banquet, I watched two individuals receive awards for fighting through the toughest of times. One is from our dojo, a new green belt who has barely missed a class despite going through abdominal surgery and subsequent chemotherapy. The other, a newly promoted 4th degree black belt who was amazing at his testing the previous night. You would never know it, but he has fought cancer and beat it four times. Both of these men have the attitude of champions, and it was emotionally overwhelming to watch them receive their awards. It was also inspiring.

I realized this weekend that it is important for me to get back to karate. This weekend ignited the fire I needed to get me back in the dojo. I really want this now. I’m going to work hard this month to build more strength in my leg in preparation for a fall return. This time, it’s not just a desire. I came home from camp yesterday and rode my bike for a while, even taking some gradual hills to help work on my leg strength. Today, my knee feels good despite the workout.

This is the beginning of my return. I am coming back.