May 17, 2008
Sabotage
Tomorrow is Open House number four. I swore I wouldn’t do another one, yet here we are, Open House Eve yet again.
This song pretty much sums up what’s been happening with my inconsiderate neighbor:
Yesterday, the local Britney Spears decided it was a fine time to clean out her large kitchen garbage can. Since cleaning is super hard, she thought she’d do it the natural way and just leave it sit out on the pavement our two homes share to collect rain water. Last time, she naturally cleaned her litter box, now her trash can.
Mr. BBM moved it closer to her door so it didn’t appear to be our trash can. Later, he moved it directly in front of her door so that she would have to move it in order to get in or out. He’s pretty good at this trash can business considering he once pulled that trash can full of water in an elevator prank when he was in college.
Despite his careful trash can placement, she moved the can out of her way three times without doing anything about it yesterday. It’s not like she doesn’t have a back yard complete with a patio and deck where she could do her natural trash can cleaning. No, it must be on the pavement in front of the house on an Open House weekend. I guess the trash can cleaning gods only work in front of the house and only when your neighbor is expecting guests.
Today, we left for Big I’s t-ball game and the trash can was still sitting at her door. I said, "If that trash can is still out there when we can back, I’m going to kill her."
Big I must have thought I was serious because when we pulled back in and the trash can was still there, she gasped with horror and said, "Mommy, are you really going to go kill her now? How are you going to do it?"
I was about to tell her how when Mr. BBM said, "I’ll take care of it."
He went outside to pull some weeds, and then he took the trash can and moved it to her back patio without me having to say another word.
Just a few moments ago, I saw her go out onto her deck. She was wearing flannel penguin pajamas and a surgical face mask. She was flapping her comforter in the breeze off the deck along with another blanket. When she was finished, she threw the comforter across a chair and did the same with the blanket.
I’m not sure what happened in her house that requires a face mask, but I’m wondering if she’s going to pretend like there’s a SARS epidemic in our neighborhood tomorrow or something. I’m also guessing that the comforter and blanket will stay there, strewn across the deck that is right smack against mine because they probably have squirrel poop on them or something from that time months ago when a squirrel got in her house after she had left the door open (probably all night long).
For your listening pleasure. The chorus is my new theme song. . .
I gotta find a way to get outta here. . .
***I know I have a lot of homeschooling readers. You might find this of interest.
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I’d put the freaking trash can on her roof, crazy beyotch.
You just need to sneak into her house and tie her to her bed for the weekend. I’ll do it for a nominal fee.
This neighbor sounds like a real peach. Here are a few questions might help you determine if you’re living next door to a redneck:
1. Does she let her 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids?
2. Does the Blue Book value of her truck go up and down depending on how much gas is in it?
3. Does she think a person who is “out of her league,” bowl on a different night?
4. Does she make comments wondering how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean?
5. Does she think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader?
6. Has she ever had her hairdo ruined by a ceiling fan?
7. Did her junior prom offer child care?
8. Does she think the last words of the “Star-Spangled Banner” are “Gentlemen, start your engines”?
9. Does The Halloween Pumpkin on her porch have more teeth than her spouse?
10. When she says she has to get something out of the fridge, does she have to go outside?
I’m not entirely sure what an “open house” is so I’m just going to assume it’s when people can come and have a nose around without making an appointment with the Estate Agents first. Please put me right if I’m wrong, but assuming that this is right, Oh My God. How bloody stressful for you! I can think of nothing worse than having a bunch of strangers wondering around my house, but then again, I’m not trying to sell and I do, of course, live in an absolute hovel.
Lots of luck, I hope you find a buyer soon.
Hope the open house went well, despite the local “color.”
Karl: I was thinking, maybe on her head?
Avitable: I’m hoping she’s having one of those days where she’s “hibernating”. If not, I’ll be in touch.
Chris: LOL. You need a blog mister.
Pawpads: You’re right and to use your words, it is bloody awful.
Topsy-Techie: It was great if you consider that one person is great. 🙁
I have neighbors I refer to as “The Crack Heads”. They have a Pit Bull tied to a chain in the front yard. I’ve reported them for training the dog to fight but Animal Control apparently has their head up their ass. Last week my daughter was out on her roller blades walking our dog. This pit broke it’s chain and came after my dog. My dog did exactly what I would expect of her. She defended herself and backed the dog down making sure my daughter was unharmed, then walked away as soon as the pit submissed. I called the Police and reported the attack, making sure to include that my CHILD was involved. Two hours later we had animal control out and they hadn’t even heard of my call. They came because another neighbor called the cops about the dog being loose and the cops called Animal Control. They took the dog and fined the owners for a loose dog and no rabies tags. They had their dog back 2 days later. They also have 2 cars up on blocks with no tags sitting in the driveway. I called the city code enforcement and now one of the cars has the big orange you have 10 days before we tow sticker on it. Apparently you can have 1 untagged car regardless of what the HOA convenents say.
The city that I’m moving to, it’s actually illegal to have a dog live exclusively outside. YAY!