November 26, 2007
Bullies
When I was in junior high, I was coming through a crowded area after lunch when I felt a hard punch square in the middle of my back. It was too crowded to move as we all pushed through the door; but I didn’t have to take more than a brief glance to know exactly who had done it. "Gina" followed me down the hall with her posse of fight starters and mumbled comments under her breath at me.
I was terrified.
I was in 8th grade. She was in 7th and I was probably about 12 inches taller than her. But I was still scared. She ran with a rough gang, and she was always in the office getting in trouble, often for fighting. I, on the other hand, was the good kid. The only time I ever had to visit the principal was for student council issues. I was a fairly likeable kid, which made that hard punch on my back even more puzzling and upsetting to me.
"Gina" had her henchmen get messages to me that she was going to beat me up, at lunch, after lunch, at the next school dance, after school, before school, when I was at my locker. For two years, I made sure I was never alone. I spent two years being terrified of her, despite the fact that she never got close enough to lay another finger on me. It wasn’t just at school either. I was also afraid I’d see her at the mall on the weekend and that she’d take care of her unfinished business there.
I casually mentioned something to my parents once about "Gina." My parents left me handle it and never called the school. Thinking back, I wish my dad would have taught me how to punch. He was the underdog kid when he was in school until the day he beat up the bully who picked on everyone else. It was a similar situation, but I didn’t want to fight. Knowing how to though, would have been a nice back-up and a bit more reassuring than just avoiding "Gina" in the halls.
When I moved up to 10th grade, the sense of relief I felt was remarkable. I was a new person. After feeling like I was under duress for all those years, I was finally free from "Gina" and her doom crew. I enjoyed that year like I hadn’t previously enjoyed another. For that reason, the year flew. I never once ran into "Gina" at school functions or off campus and for that I was both thankful and relieved.
On the first day of 11th grade, I was nervous. "Gina" would be coming up to the high school, and I was dreading it. I thought about it all summer long. The high school was huge and combined two junior highs, so it was possible to go quite some time without running into someone. I knew it was going to happen eventually.
It was about four weeks into the school year when it finally did. My friend and I were leaving English class and heading down the hall. There she was, coming at me and scowling. She had an awful look on her face and I knew she meant business. The thing I had going in my favor was that my friend and I had continued to grow; she hadn’t.
I don’t remember that we had some grand meeting or plan for when we saw her, but we must have had a mental agreement between the two of us. Jen and I made a conscious decision that "Gina" wasn’t going to divide us, intimidate us, or cause either of us any more stress. As she walked faster in our direction, we picked up the pace in her direction. As she got within feet of us she slowed down for a confrontation; but my friend and I weren’t having any of that.
Shoulder to shoulder, Jen and I continued to walk as fast as we could right into "Gina." We knocked her over onto the floor, and she went skidding on her butt. She wasn’t hurt, but she definitely knew that the tables had turned. We didn’t say a word to her, just kept on walking, and she never bothered either one of us again. She never even make eye contact again, and I was able to rest easy. It was finally over after almost four years of feeling terrorized.
During those horrible years, it wasn’t so much the physical threat that bothered me. I could have handled being beaten up, I’m sure. What was so awful was the mental aspect. "Gina" terrorized me and made school unpleasant when it had been just fine before. She deflated me and took the fun out of my days and extracurricular activities. I thought about her often and wondered what I ever did to make her hate me so much. I had never even talked to her. She wasn’t in my grade or involved in any of the activities I was involved in, so why did she hate me so much? That was the part that bothered me the most.
People, in general, want people to like them. It’s hurtful when someone doesn’t, especially when you know you haven’t done anything to deserve it. When I think back about that incident now, I so wish I knew then what I know now. If I hadn’t acted so afraid of her, I wouldn’t have made such a nice target for her. If I had confronted her after she hit me, it might have boiled down into a fight; but it also might have stopped right there. If I had shown her that I wasn’t afraid of her, she might have backed off. If my dad had taught me how to throw a good punch, that would have helped as well. I would have felt prepared and that would have taken away a lot of the fear.
When Big I complained about being picked on by a couple little girls last year, I took her complaints very seriously. It wasn’t anything major, just some laughing at her and excluding her; but I know that it doesn’t take much. I assured her that it was o.k. for her to speak up for herself, to tell them to knock it off, and that if push came to shove (literally) I wanted her to know that I supported her defending herself. (She did actually use a wrist escape on the bus one day.) I didn’t want her feeling intimidated the way that I had, and I don’t believe she did. She never complained about going to school and those little bullies seemed to be more of a minor annoyance than anything else. They certainly weren’t the center of her school experience the way "Gina" was to mine.
Big I and I are a lot alike. We’re both very sensitive and want people to like us. She’s so much like me that it makes me nervous sometimes. I don’t want her to be so sensitive and so worried about what everyone else thinks.
But there’s one major difference between us. I started karate when I was 29. Big I started at age three. There are plenty out there who joke about children in the martial arts not being able to defend themselves, that it’s a money making venture only. That’s not at all true of our experience and our dojo.
While the martial arts at a young age may not be able to teach a child how to take out a 6’4" attacker, karate offers an amazing self-confidence to children. If I had been in Big I’s shoes, I would have tried to stay home from school. I would have stressed about those little girls. I know, because I did the exact same thing in junior high school. Big I did none of those things. Through that experience, I saw that she has great self-esteem, and I definitely know she wouldn’t have a problem defending herself against another child.
To be able to spare her the emotional trauma that I went through myself with "Gina" is one of the best gifts I could ever give my child. I often talk about how the martial arts has impacted my life and why I love it so much; but there is nothing that thrills me more about the martial arts than what it has done for Big I.
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This might be in your top 3 all-time blogs. You write very well and what you said made me feel for you. Middle school girls can be such “emotional terrorists” I remember how my sister’s group of friends would routinely pick one girl out of their group and belittle and ostracize this girl until she was in tears. I don’t understand bullying and never will but your advice to your daughter was very good. Bullies are cowards at heart and once you let them know that they are going to get bloody–proverbially–they leave you alone. Gina sounds like she was a unhappy person and probably the product of bad home life.
Great blog again, I enjoyed reading it.
There are plenty out there who joke about children in the martial arts not being able to defend themselves, that it’s a money making venture only. That’s not at all true of our experience and our dojo.
It seems to me that an awful lot of people overrate how well untrained people fight, or how difficult some techniques are to apply, or both. It’s nice to be able to throw a punch that’ll knock someone to the floor, but it’s not always necessary.
Once, I just mentioned to a kid–as I recall, I didn’t even show him the technique–that scraping his shoe down someone’s shin and stomping on his instep really, really hurt. It wasn’t long after that he used that very thing to put an end to a threatening situation.
Another time, I showed–just for grins–a tuite technique to a co-worker, one that ordinarily winds up with the attacker driven to the floor and in an armlock. He didn’t do it right. The person throwing the punch wound up pressed up against the wall and in an armlock. I didn’t train the guy in that technique, I just showed it to him–and it was usable right away!
I would never underestimate the value of martial arts training for even young children. A lot of those techniques don’t require extraordinary power.
That was great. I’ve had a few people say something similar about by 4 year old in karate. But the confidence and esteem he has gained has surmounted any critisisms. Thanks for a great blog. (I just started karate at 30!)
I can relate to a lot of that. Growing up in Texas was a lot less civilized than anything going on now. We moved a lot, and so I was always the new kid. Add red hair and “gifted” programs and I was a magnet for bullies. I got into fights almost daily. For the record, they all ended up on the ground. ;D
There are good kids programs, and I definitely see the value in that.
The problem I have with kids train in MA in the average McDojo is that they’re not really learning anything useful. They may be gaining self-confidence, but it’s not founded on any practical skill. These kids are one bad experience away from losing all of the confidence that they’ve built and may be even worse off than before. It’s the American Idol phenomenon, where we lie to our kids and tell them that they’re going to be the next Christina Aguillara (“Oh, you sing like an angel!”), but with the potential for real bodily harm (the “I’m so proud of my 8 year old black belt” syndrome).
If the choice were to put my kid in a school to learn dubious martial arts and basically pay for their black belt at age 8 or 10 after testing 40 times through a literal rainbow of colors, or get them onto a soccer team to learn real soccer skills, I’d choose the latter. They will both lead to improved self confidence, but one is based on legitimate skills and the other is not. I’d argue that the self esteem gained from soccer would better serve the child in bully situations than tenuous, fragile self esteem built in Kim’s Strip Mall Tae Kwon Do doing one-steps and yelling a lot.
You’ve mentioned that your dojo’s kids program is sound, and my daughter is starting at my school as well. I’m not saying that all kids programs are bad. Only that the bad ones are doing more harm than good.
Lastly, I am firmly in the camp that a technique is not worth knowing if it is only expected to work on an unskilled opponent. But that’s my own opinion.
Great article. Although long, I had to read to see how it ends. I’ve read alot about bulling over the last few years most of it making very modern points:
– most girl bullying is social more than physical. And it really hurts.
– some bullying leads to deadly violence when the target arms himself to never be pushed around again. And then when threatened, pulls the trigger.
Your post goes right back to the basics of physical menace, intimidation, and being able to defend oneself.
I don’t think my school teaches enough that would be useful in a playground fight. But I think that I will ask my sensei.
Chris: I think you hit the nail on the head re: Gina. I hear she’s a cop now. Here’s to hoping she never pulls me over.
Dan Paden: I agree, and what’s more, people don’t attack children who come across as being confident. If they have confidence they are already ahead of the game.
Renee: Woo hoo! I always like to hear another Mom has started up!
Steve: I think that the martial arts gives kids better confidence than group sports. Because it’s a solitary venture, they learn that what they put into it is what they get out of it. They don’t have a team to fall back on and the team doesn’t rely on them. It builds intrinsic motivation which is so important for learning and self confidence.
I’m not sure what you’re saying with your last statement. Anyone who trains in MA practices the techniques they are learning on people who know the skills as well. I think in MA, good schools and martial artists prepare you for the worst possible scenario, and hopefully one never has to see it.
I think that there are a lot of schools out there “selling” black belts to kids and that is wrong. I agree that the there are problems with this, the most detrimental being a false sense of confidence in dangerous situations. A black belt, for anyone, doesn’t mean that you’re invincible.
johnegood: Thanks for sticking with me on it. Definitely ask. At my dojo, when we learn self defense techniques there’s almost always a school yard version and a stranger on the street version.
BBM,
Great post.
I too have seen some of the kids programs that are just there to generate $$$.
Ours, like yours, is not one of them.
I was talking with the mother of one of the young women who I train with (she is 12) and her mom asked if I thought what she was learning would work on adults.
I replied that Kristin can throw me (I am 5′ 9″ 215 and built like a tank) so if it works on me, she has a pretty good shot at most other folks as well, especially kids her own age.
We don’t let kids start until Age 5, but my youngest is chomping at the bit to get on the mat with me and train and I am all for it.
I think it is outstanding that Big I is getting the benefit of your experience without being smothered by it.
Had to add (you responded while I was posting my comment)
We just had 3 folks test for Shodan at our latest Camp and I love the approach taken to Black Belt there.
It was more of a “Ok, now I know the basics and can really start to dig into this” instead of “now I know all there is to know”
A black belt is almost treated like another starting point, rather than a finish line. Once you get there, you are able to truly start to absorb technique and make it your own. I guess it is just a different way of approaching the belt itself (and I do not mean to minimize the accomplishment of Shodan in any way, just point out that it is a milepost, not a destination)
Dougis: I agree with you totally about Shodan being an accomplishment but not a final destination. I never understood the people who quit once they reached shodan. Everyone tells me that Shodan is really the starting point, when you can begin to delve into it all. Hopefully, one day, I’ll get there.
Bullying is such a tender topic. I, too, experienced bullying. At the time it was so frightening and degrading and I never wanted to go to school. I attended a two room schoolhouse for elementary school and it happened even in that situation. It also happened in junior high and high school. Three different girls for each level of education. Not fun. It’s no wonder that girls have such a hard time with themselves. When someone else is trying to control you through fear and degredation it can really mess with your self-esteem. My parents let me handle the situations, too, which I think is a wise thing to do. Unless of course it starts to get way out of hand. But where is that line? Anyway, I believe that martial arts training for children is invaluable. I also believe that it should be a part of the school curriculum. What a positive way to empower children and make them feel good about themselves and what they are capable of doing with their bodies and their minds. The kids shiais in our dojo are always so emotional because they give it their all. At my nephew’s (he’s 8) last shiai (he was testing for san kyu) he burst into tears after nailing seiunchin. He was so happy with his performance that it just overflowed. I was so proud of him.
Karrie
Oh, I got it really bad in jr. high. Lots of kids bullied me. Usually not physically, because the second I was punched that was my excuse to light into ’em with fury. But the mental aspects were horrible. I can remember two instances when kids from all my classes would tell me that a “gang” was going to attack me at x time. Gave me fear until the appointed times. Two different gangs. Not fun, but it was all hype. They DID confront me, but never attacked me.
@BBM: I’ll shoot you an email regarding the question you had on my comment.
Suffice to say that this is a big part of why I left my old school and am so happy with my new one.
What an amzing story. I’m so glad it has a happy ending. I agree about karate and kids; it’s a whole lot better than having them get into a situation with no game plan. You might want to check out “Please Stop Laughing at Me” by Jodi Blanco. She went to our local high school and I’m sure she’d agree about being proactive. There’s also, “Queen Bees and Wantabees” about the cultural of bullying girls.
I had a Gina in my school. I don’t know what I ever did to her, but she took an instant dislike to me. She was always threatening to beat me up. However, I was not easily intimidated, so when she threatened me, I would just roll my eyes and turn my back on her. She soon saw that she couldn’t control me, and got tired of harassing me.
Huzzah!
Very nice post.
My oldest had trouble with a punk at school — for years. And the kid must have had a death wish, as my boy is 80 pounds heavier and six inches taller. He was never afraid, just picked on.
Finally, he asked me to drive him to the school for an after-school fight with the punk. I wouldn’t do it; even though I’d encouraged him to punch the kid, I wanted it to be in a more ad hoc manner … not something his dad drove him to.
As it happens the punk didn’t show up (we ended up at school for another purpose and my boy noticed the kid wasn’t there — I’d forgotten about the meeting) but was unaware my boy hadn’t. The next time I dropped my boy off I kept an eye open for the punk; he saw my child coming but didn’t make eye contact and avoided him.
(In the end, the punk was expelled for other infractions.)