November 7, 2007

Psych Consult: Day 1 at Physical Therapy

I don’t know how many times I’ve said, "I am not one to cry." It’s been said enough though, and has usually been followed with a "but." I’m soon going to have to change that statement, since if you use it more than a couple times, you are indeed a crier. Here I go again. . .

I am not usually one to cry, but that didn’t stop me from looking like a leaky faucet at physical therapy today. About a half hour before I left, I was feeling all positive and confident when I decided to forego the crutches and turn to get Lil C a drink. I felt the most awful pain, my knee shifted and it felt like I was going to fall. Luckily I caught myself and shifted my weight back over to my good leg, which is quickly becoming my "sick of carrying you around" leg. It hurt so badly and I was so devastated that it had gone out on me that I sat down in the middle of my kitchen and started to cry. Lil C wrapped her arms tightly around my head and said "Oh Mommy." She’s two and she just knew Mommy needed a hug. That made me cry harder.

The pain and instability rattled my confidence and I arrived at PT feeling down in the dumps. The Physical Therapist sat me down and started talking to me about my injury, how I did it, what it feels like now, how I’m getting around, etc. He then started talking about the anatomy of the knee, and how he’s going to fix me in hopes of avoiding surgery.

You know how when you’re upset and someone shows you they care or is nice to you and you just well up and want to sob? Yeah, well the tears welled up and eventually spilled. I felt like a total idiot. He casually handed me a box of tissues as I told him I’m not usually one to cry but that this morning’s events just rattled me and that I want to be able to pick up and carry around my daughter. . .

We finished talking and I gave the tissue box a break. He put heat and stims on my knee and left me hang out for a while. My company included three elderly people. One guy was there for shoulder rehab and he smiled this sympathetic smile at me as he was leaving which made me well up all over again.

We then moved on to quad sets where I pushed the back of my knee down into a towel while flexing my foot back and tightening my quad muscles. Then he made me do leg raises. They were ridiculously challenging. I can’t believe how much strength I’ve lost in my leg in only two weeks time. After that, he had me stretch all the muscles in my legs out by using a strap over my foot and pulling. Then he taught me how to walk better with my crutches and adjusted my hand grips, which were too low. He was super nice and that just kept making me upset.

When I walked over to schedule my three times a week PT appointments, the Cold Play song "Fix You" came on and I about lost it. I seriously think the guy is singing about preparing for a black belt test and blowing an ACL. Listen to the lyrics if you don’t believe me.

When I got home, I got even worse. I’ve been a blubbering fool on and off since I got home; and when Mr. BBM asked me what was wrong I couldn’t even articulate it. The PT was fine, good actually. My leg muscles are already feeling it, and my PT said the goal is to ditch the crutches two weeks from now. He said they’re going to teach me how to walk all over again, to trust my body to do it right, to do it in a way its never had to, and it’s going to work.

I think that emotionally, everything has been bottled up. I’ve tried to laugh about it and have a good sense of humor about it. I’ve been mad that it’s screwing up my life and my plans for the time being. I’ve been reeling from not being able to do the things I’ve been able to do easily before. I think I just need to have a good cry and let it all out. Then, I can go back to not being a crier.

Hopefully I can get it all out of my system before my PT calls for a psych consult, because if that happens I’m really going to cry.