October 29, 2007

Monkey Business

Today, my husband and some of his work mates (one of them being my lovely sister) suggested that I get a monkey. Think I’m kidding?

I’m not. Who knew that there was stuff like this out there?

The monkey suggestion was meant to cheer me up, but it got me to thinking about ~~how I’ll slap around Mr. BBM and some of his work mates, sister included when I’m feeling better~~ how useful a monkey would really be.

As the video clearly shows, monkeys can feed you, help you brush you teeth, get you a drink, among other things. I’m sure the girls would get a giant kick out of a monkey retrieving them a cup of milk. It would be much more amusing than watching Mommy hobble around I’m sure. Of course, I’m not so sure I’d want a monkey doing those types of things for me, considering some of the things I’ve seen them do at the zoo. Wiping their butts with their fingers for one.

After retrieving Big I from school today though, I thought a monkey might be useful in other ways. Ever since the car incident, I’ve been collecting dirty looks from the Mom’s who gather to pick up their children at Big I’s school. The woman who hit me with her car told her insurance company that the guys had threatened her and that she was in "fear of her life." Please. They put their reverse lights on, but they were still many feet away from her when she backed up, and poorly, into my car. Because of this, her insurance told me they weren’t going to pay for the damage she did to my car, that I would have to go after the guys who put their reverse lights on (the ones who don’t have insurance) in order to get my car fixed.

Thankfully I had a witness who was able to vouch, along with me, that there was no threatening of any kind. Her insurance paid and my car was fixed last week. It wasn’t an expensive fix and it’s not like the woman who hit me paid out of her own pocket. In fact, I doubt her insurance rates will go up at all. But somehow, now I’m the recipient of the dirty looks in the parking lot. God forbid, I’d actually want my car to look the way it did before she hit me. God forbid, someone would take personal responsibility for not knowing how to back up. Grr.

So anyway, back to the monkey business. It would be pretty cool if you could maybe train the monkey to attack or at least mess with people a bit, perhaps fling a little poo in the school parking lot. A monkey would have been useful on the day I got hit. I could have had the monkey go jump on the woman’s windshield to warn her of the impending doom, and direct her attention forward where at least some of her attention should have been anyway.

It would certainly be a deterrent to anyone wanting to make trouble with a lady on crutches if there was a monkey sitting on my shoulder or perhaps my head. It would also be cool if I could train a monkey to find the remote or my car keys. Then I wouldn’t have to bug Mr. BBM about those irritating issues.

It would also be fabulous if the monkey could help Big I with her homework. That would rock. I doubt she’d give the monkey the attitude I sometimes get. Even cooler would be if the monkey could make dinner, or retrieve snacks for the kids who seem to want a snack every 10 minutes or so. . .

And break up sword fights. . . which is what my kids are doing right now. They so know they can get away with just about anything while Mommy is one knee down, and it’s just not cool. Take my end table, for example, which now has lovely pencil drawings all over it.

Maybe I need a gorilla to maintain order around here. I bet you a gorilla could carry me around too, eliminating the need for crutches.

Maybe I’ll have to look into that. . .

***The latest review is up at The BBM Review. If you’re in the market for a heavy bag, you won’t want to miss it; and yes, I’m feeling extremely sorry for myself that I wasn’t able to write the review myself. Something tells me Ikigai108 might be sort of happy about that. . .