July 17, 2007
Extra, extra: Get your apologies. . .
Yesterday I went to the grocery store with the girls. When I left I was completely disgusted with myself. A woman cut me off in the produce department and I said "Sorry." I immediately stopped and considered making myself drop and do some push-ups. What the hell did I say that for? She cut me off, not the other way around. I began having an internal dialogue with myself about how ridiculous it is that I say "sorry" all the time.
In the next aisle, I walked in front of someone who was scanning the shelves for crackers. I said, "Excuse me" which is all that was really necessary. But just for good measure, I added a "sorry" on the end of that little courtesy. I was taken aback by myself. Why did I just apologize to that woman? I said "excuse me." What exactly did I need to apologize for? Nothing!!!
I made it through several more aisles without an apology. I was super conscious of it and a little bit shocked as to how much a part of my regular vocabulary that word has become (or maybe has always been).
In the ice cream aisle, I was blocking a woman and her cart. Instead of just moving out of her way, I said "sorry." I felt like smacking myself. I didn’t need to apologize. A simple "excuse us" would have done the trick, but there I was apologizing again!
When I left the store I had said "sorry" at least five times and exactly 0 of those apologizes were warranted. I had a conversation with my Mom on the phone about it and I told her that we really need to both stop saying "sorry" so much. My Mom does it ALL THE TIME too, which is probably where I get it from. My Mom agreed, saying that someone once told her that saying "sorry" when there’s nothing to be sorry for makes you appear weak. (I think some of my very wise readers said the very same thing just last week).
So today, my Mom and I took the girls shopping. We are walking through the mall when two young men, probably in their early 20’s, stepped back from a kiosk in the middle of the mall and one of them literally barreled into my Mom. And do you know what she did?????
She said "sorry." The two guys did not apologize. They didn’t say "excuse me" and they didn’t say "sorry". In fact, the guy didn’t even acknowledge that he had just plowed into my Mom.
I muttered a sarcastic "NICE" underneath my breath, (I’m trying to keep my public confrontations down to about once a month in front of the girls and I’ve already reached my quota for July) when what I really wanted to do was kick the back of his knee and say nothing the way he had done as he hit the floor. I didn’t. I stared angrily at the back of his fat head and walked on. Later, in the car, my Mom and I were talking about how ridiculous it was that SHE apologized to HIM. It was absurd, but that word just seems to pop out of me and my Mom like a reflex.
Now, more than ever, I am thinking that this whole "sorry" business is definitely a female thing; and I am making a conscious effort to not be so damn sorry all the time, both in and out of the dojo. It may be a female thing, but it doesn’t have to have a permanent place in my vocabulary. There’s certainly a time and a place for "sorry" but the unnecessary times and places definitely need to go.
So, what do you think? Is it mostly a female thing? If so, why do we do THAT???
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now i’m going to be hyper aware of my sorries. i think it is a learned behavior and probably more women fall prey to it. we are supposed to be “nice” and “polite.”
i know men who over-apologize too. many of them suffered abuse as a kid though.
I also think it’s a female thing. I tend not to do it so much these days but I’m not alone because my husband does it too.
I recently noticed that my 8 year old daughter has just started saying “sorry” as a reflex response to pretty much anything. Good Lord. It starts early…sigh. I know I said “sorry” at least a couple times in aikido class today. And no, they were not necessary “sorry”s. As my sensei said once, “This is a martial art, not ballet class!” I don’t think I need to apologize for making contact with a strike that connects to a 3rd dan’s chin, lightly. Geez. Anyway, it would have been HILARIOUS if you dropped and gave yourself push-ups right there in the grocery store! 😉
It is definitely a female thing. I apologize relatively little for a woman, and I still pop out an unwarranted “sorry” at least several times a day if I’m out and about. Whereas I don’t think I’ve ever heard my husband make a reflexive apology. A “sorry” from him means “I screwed up and I’m apologizing”, and only that.
Saying sorry is similar to saying excuse me. It’s not like you have regrets, you’re just being polite. Maybe it’s a habit you’d like to drop because you feel it’s a bit feeble to say “sorry” all the time. You definitely shouldn’t apologize to anyone while you’re sparring though.
It probably is a female thing, but it’s certainly better than the behavior of those two jerks in the mall. (Sorry for the lecture. I’ll drop and do 10 push-ups right now!)
Maybe it’s just me, but I can’t abide any throwaway language. Saying “sorry” without meaning it is like fingernails on a chalkboard to me. Same with any other similar example. While “sorry” may be more common among females, most people say things all the time that they don’t mean. “How you doing?” is just one example.
I’ve found that people react in very interesting ways when instead of following the script, you vary it a little.
Oh yes I’m sure it’s mostly women who do this… but I wouldn’t worry about it most of the time. I think it’s clear when you say ‘sorry’ just as another way of seeing ‘excuse me’. Saying sorry when someone backs into you is just wrong though… but we all do it!
Thanks.
Hi Black Belt Mama, I recently found your fantastic site, and I am so happy I did.
I think saying sorry is a female thing, at least for us Americans. I have always done it and now that I am living in Italy I constantly have to fight myself because saying I’m sorry – mi dispiace, simply isn’t done here unless you have made a grave error. Even the women here don’t say sorry. My best guess is it is a female/cultural thing. And contrary to what many think, on the whole Americans are very courteous and polite compared to their European counterparts. Yeah, I think we ladies want to be seen as “nice.”
Maybe it’s not such a female thing as it is something you learn from your parents. *shrugs*
I find myself saying it when I mean to say ‘excuse me’, and I’m working on it, because no, I’m not sorry, I’m just trying to be polite. To the guys in the mall, I would have said, “Excuse me” in that sarchastic way that lets them know they should be the ones saying it. But they’re idiots, so they wouldn’t catch on.
I think you girls/guys may be right. I think it very well might be a cultural thing. Girls are taught to be polite, courtesy and accomodating in our society and sorry is just one small example of how those cultural expectations are playing out. Maybe we should start a campaign against unnecessary “sorry’s”!
I think it’s a female thing too. I’m so annoyed with those guys that bumped into your mom!!!! While I’m prone to saying sorry unnecessarily (which I agree appears weak and I’m trying to work on), I’ve realized that I have zero tolerance for rudeness! For example, it totally bugs me when people don’t hold the door for others. Especially when those others are laden with children and a stroller! That said, after I’ve reopened the door that just shut in my face, I say “Thank you!” loud enough for the person to hear, but in a tone that sounds like they DID hold the door. My own version of “killing them with kindness.” It’s not combative, but it’s effective! Same thing when someone bumps into me or cuts me off. I say “Excuse Me!” or I wave at them if I’m driving. Now that I have kids, I can’t give them the finger anymore. I also hope they think they cut off someone they knew! Hee Hee. 🙂 Totally long comment, batman. Sorry. Strike that!
I have to agree with the female/cultural thing. In Peru, it is not very common, but in America…well, pfft. If I’m speaking English, I say it all the time, and it’s a reflex…but in Spanish, it rarely crosses my mind. “Permisso” might come out of my mouth, but that’s accurate.
I’ll work on it too! I really need to stop apologizing when some crazy lady barrels into me, seriously.
I agree and think its more of a ‘female’ thing, since we are socialized to be more accommodating and not make a fuss. I’m not as apologetic as I used to be, however, and if someone is in the wrong, then I (still albeit politely) let them know.
I have to disagree that it is a female thing. I think it is more of a learned thing rather than a gender thing. I rarely say “sorry” and when I do, it is nearly always warranted–unless I’m being sarcastic, but that’s a whole other topic. When I run into people or walk in front of them, I say “excuse me” but that’s about it. When someone runs into me, I never say I’m sorry. If that person doesn’t say “excuse me”, then I’ll say, “you’re excused.” That usually brings an apology from him.
Reading the comments with interest, I’m reminded that every story has two sides. For every anecdote here I can think of multiple times when I was rear ended by a mom using her stroller as a battering ram, often saying something snarky like “You’re excused.” 🙂
BIB: Long comments rock. It means that something I’ve said has struck a nerve and nerve striking is good for returning readership. 😉 Comment to your heart’s content. And on the whole “no finger allowed once you have kids” stuff. I never got that memo. 😉
Aithyne: Yes you do need to work on that, especially in your current “condition.” 😉
Silverstar: Good for you. I love people who speak up for themselves.
Becky: You seem to be the exception rather than the rule on this one. It’s very interesting.
Steve: Where are you shopping? I am ALWAYS apologizing when I have the stroller. My stroller is HUGE and it’s impossible not to inconvenience people with it. Maybe I just don’t know because I’m a nice Mom, but I think it’s entirely more likely to find people who will just let the door slam on you with a stroller and two kids than Mom’s who plow into you and act like it’s your fault. That door slamming action is a big pet peeve of mine too. People can be incredibly rude. Am I about to have a comment brawl here??? 😉
Here is a guy who is sincerely sorry, be sure to take notes.
http://imnotsorry.ytmnd.com/
BBM, I sware I could have written this entire post because it is all me. I apologize the most in the grocery store and I have the exact same internal conversations with myself immediately following each unwarranted apology. I think it’s definitely something that’s ingrained into us at some point. I don’t think it’s all females because most of the people that have brought this fault to my attention are female friends of mine. I have one guy friend who is actually worse than me. I think it’s just one of those personality type things. I have improved since it was brought to my attention but I still find myself doing it from time to time.
Yeah, I think it’s a female thing. I have noticed that I do it a lot too…blech!
I’ve also noticed that I’ve gotten less tolerant in my “old age.” When people are rude to me in the grocery store or any store for that matter, I say “excuse YOU!” Funny how that gets their attention. Brings them out of their self-absorbed, self-centered world in a flash. HA!
I guess I’m on one today.
I was thinking about this post at work today, and decided to keep track of the times I said “sorry”, and even the times I felt the impulse to say it. My grand total? One, and only one, and it was warranted. I’d walked up beside a co-worker, and though I wasn’t trying to be sneaky, I startled her. I said I was sorry then, because I hadn’t meant to scare her.
That’s it. Unless an action of mine is the direct cause of a result that is unpleasant for someone else–whether deliberate or accidental–I don’t feel I need to apologize. I think it’s sad that our culture has become such that most people out there feel they must apologize for their very existence.
BBM: A comment brawl sounds all kinds of fun! Seriously, though, my experiences are largely from my time working in retail. I supported my family while in college working in sales, and I’ll tell you that aggressive moms and their strollers is so common a “type” that we’d joke about them among the stores. There are experiences that are so common among retail staff that it doesn’t matter whether one works at a major department store, WalMart or a smaller retail outlet, and this is one of those. Could be regional, but the aggressive mom and her stroller remains very common. I see them (or experience them firsthand) all the time.
My point, however, wasn’t to suggest that you or anyone here is like that. I know that many moms (and dads) are not like that at all. It was to suggest that we notice those things to which we are sensitive. I notice those aggressive moms even now, and I haven’t worked in sales in over a decade. They’re still around at the grocery store and at the mall. You don’t “see” them because they don’t bother you. Rude guys who don’t say excuse me do bother you, and so you notice them when they’re rude to you or even, I’d bet, to someone else. Do you ever walk along and say to the person you’re with, “Hey. Did you see that? That woman over there just got rammed into by that guy. He’s so rude!” I might not even notice it, but I’d definitely notice the battering ram dual stroller!
All I’m saying is that there are two sides to every story. 😀
After reading the string of comments, I must say that that I agree with Becky and Steve on a few points. As Becky stated, the sorry gene is definitely not gender specific. Men are just a little more likely to suppress the expression of this trait. That being said, I still find myself saying sorry way too often.
I also agree with Steve that each of us is likely to more attuned to some types of insults than others. My personal fave is people who take a parking that I have clearly staked my claim to with a flashing turn signal. There are never apologies from the offenders..NEVER. On the other hand, someone could belch in front of me and I would probably just laugh.
Then again, I just read a headline in the WSJ that said that people who say sorry may help them advance in their careers…Maybe I should say $orry more often?
I think I just started a comment war with myself. Sorry.
Chris: Ha, ha, you’re always making me laugh.
August: We should go shopping together sometime and beat the sorry’s out of each other!
ML: Good for you! There’s nothing more satisfying than a well-timed “Excuse you.” 😉
Becky: You need to come give me some lessons, although now that I’m aware of it, I’m doing much better with it.
Steve: Seriously, let’s rumble buddy! You’re right about certain things bothering certain people. We are all as unique as our pet peeves.
Bobba: ME TOO on the parking lot thing. I wrote a post about that under BBM etiquitte a while back. That gets me all kinds of riled up! And feel free to say sorry at work as much as you want. When you get a raise, write me a check. 😉
Ok, on the parking thing…remember the movie Fried Green Tomatoes? My favorite scene is the parking spot stealers. After whizzing into the spot Kathy Bates had been patiently waiting on, the young girls say, “Face it Lady. We’re younger and faster!” Kathy Bates’ character responds by ramming their car some 14 times, and stating, “Face it girls, I’m older and have more insurance!”
I love it!
BBM: Oh, it’s on! 😉
Regarding parking spaces, I can honestly say that no one’s ever stolen my spot. I doubt it’s my steely gaze… and I’m usually driving my wife’s Mini Cooper convertable… so I don’t have the tough car thing going. Hmmm…