December 8, 2006

Everything you need to know about self defense, you can learn from my 14-month old

If you missed the first installment of Baby Self Defense moves, you can check it out here. Oh, how her repertoire has grown. While Big I gradually gets more and more interested in the martial arts, I’ve been getting the feeling that Lil C is not going to need any prodding to put on a gi and kick some butt. In fact, she’s been kicking some serious derriere around our household for quite some time now and her moves only seem to improve with time.

And now, without further delay, I present to you Lil C’s latest self-defense moves:

Bite ‘Til They Cry

One only needs to take a brief glance at my shoulder right now to see the type of damage that little teeth can do. We’re now up to nine teeth, with at least three more in the immediate future, and my arms are proof that Lil C has mastered the pinch bite. This technique is not the type of bite where one aims to take out a chunk of something. This bite clenches down and grabs only a teeny tiny bit of skin between the top and bottom teeth before biting down with everything she’s got. INSTANT AGONY is what results. (I am seriously considering wearing shoulder pads.)

Lead with your Head Butt

There is nothing more disorienting than a surprise direct hit from a toddler noggin. From across the room, she’ll look unsteady and unsure of her direction, but once she knows her target, it’s an all out sprint as she leads with her head and makes contact at key areas on the head and face. The cheek bones are particularly vulnerable, as is the tip of the nose and the mouth. Of course, a direct hit to the forehead can be equally punishing and Lil C knows this and knows it well.

Bladder Stomp Kick

In karate training there is a stomp kick. It’s usually used as a distraction before getting out of choke holds, wrist grabs, etc. The stomp kick is exactly what it sounds like and is used on key spots on an attacker’s foot. But Lil C has discovered something far more disturbing than a traditional stomp kick. She has perfected her technique so much that she can even do this while sleeping. (I know, I know, take a moment to catch your breath.) There are two scenarios where this move works particularly well for her:

Lil C usually makes her way into our bed sometime between 4 and 6 am each night. But sleeping in the traditional way is not her thing. She prefers to put her feet at the head of the bed, which puts her in perfect positioning for the Bladder Stomp Kick. Then something from the depths of her sleep tells her it’s time to attack and she pulls both of her legs straight up into the air, pulling them back towards her head to get even more leverage, before she lets them drop with full force onto the nearest fullest bladder. This move also works on floating ribs, and a stomp kick to the nose or eyeball is a sure way to elicit fear as well.
The second scenario where this stomp kick is particularly useful is when getting her diaper changed. Lil C waits until the old diaper has been removed and then she pulls her legs and feed up as in scenario 1. But instead of just one drop of those little lead legs, multiple kicks are dealt out in a rapid fire fashion. Blows can be felt on the legs, knees, and arms of the person changing the diaper. If proximity allows, Lil C can also deliver the classic Bladder Stomp Kick. If Mr. BBM happens to be changing her diaper at the time, a cup is advisable.

Yes, the Bladder Stomp Kick can be quite painful, but nothing compares to Lil C’s next move.

Nose Destroyer

Have you laughed while drinking soda lately? Do you know what it feels like to laugh so hard that the soda goes up your nose and causes severe burning and discomfort? What if I told you there was a way to do that without a need for soda? Have I got your attention? Because Lil C certainly got mine with this signature move.

This move comes across as an ordinary slap to the face, but the key to the destruction is in the little fingers that are delivering the slap. Lil C has perfected the art of slapping at just the right angle that she can simultaneously slap you while scratching your brain via your nose. I have never had a nose bleed in my life until Lil C pulled this move on me one day. The blood, the pain. . . you get the idea.

So for all of you searching for self defense techniques that work in real life, if a toddler can pull these off, so can you. Good Luck.