Worse than Nunchaku
Today was one of the most gut-wrenching days of my entire life. I have never felt such raw emotions as I did today. I know I probably won’t get a lot of sympathy; Most parents put their children in preschool or daycare at some point leading up to Kindergarten. I chose not to do so with Big I, and today was hard.
No one warned me what today would be like. They said things like "It will be hard, but it will be exciting." No one defined "hard" for me. Hard is putting it lightly.
We took Big I to school this morning and she was a bit apprehensive. As they called the children class by class to make their exit and head to the classrooms, Big I got more and more worried. Her eyes welled up with tears and I gave her a colossal hug. I told her everything would be o.k., hoping that I was right about that. When it was her turn, I held her hand and walked her over to her teacher. She got in line and stayed there looking as if I was sending her off to her execution. As the line started to move, she turned a scared little face and waved goodbye.
I choked, held my breathe, and waited until she was out of the room. . . and then the flood gates let loose. Oh, how I cried. . . and cried. . . and cried. I figured that when I got home I’d feel better. I’d play with Lil C. But Lil C had other plans and took a marathon nap from 9-11:30 a.m. and I was alone.
I was not prepared for the quiet. I was not prepared for the loneliness. I was not prepared for the urge to turn on the Disney Channel, since that has been our routine every morning since I can remember. I went into her room to clean up a bit and sobbed. (I may have hugged her jammies and cried so hard that I hiccuped.) I was not at all prepared for how much I would miss her, and how much that feeling would hurt and tug at me for the entire morning.
I busied myself with emailing friends and family about how she did in the morning, and just when I thought I was done crying, I would start all over again. I got out the journal that I keep for Big I (I keep one for each of my daughters) and wrote her a letter about how proud I am of her and how much I was missing her.
And when Lil C still wasn’t awake, I pulled out the size 12 month clothing that Lil C will be wearing before I know it and cried some more. It seems like only yesterday, Big I was wearing those outfits and now. . .
As lunch time neared, I got anxious to pick her up. My only thoughts were that I hoped to see her emerge from her first day with a grin from ear to ear. I wanted her to tell me how much she loved it, and how much fun she had.
Instead, I saw my little girl with a troubled look on her face. When she saw us, she hugged us like we’ve never been hugged before. "How did she do?" my husband asked her teacher quietly. "She did fine," she said. "There are some kids who were traumatized in there; she was not one of them." She then told us that Big I was worried about her stuff. She didn’t want to leave things in her desk; she wanted to take them with her.
As Big I was getting in the car, she bumped her head on the door and the waterworks started. The head bump turned into "I’m tired," which turned into "It stinks. I don’t want to go back," which turned into "We didn’t have any fun. We just had to sit and be quiet all day," etc. etc. etc.
This was my worst fear.
We got home and I helped Big I change into what she calls "normal clothes". While helping her, she collapsed onto my lap and hugged me and just cried. She said, "I just missed you so much." I could only hold back so long. I erupted into tears myself and told her that I missed her SO MUCH. I told her that it will get better. I told her that each day she’ll be more familiar with the routine and it will get easier. I told her that she’ll stop missing me so much and start wishing she could be around her friends more. I told her that we will both adjust and get used to our new lives. She told me that the teacher read them a book about Mommy’s and each student made a heart craft to give to their parents. She said that the teacher told them they could hug their heart to feel close to their Mommy’s if they needed to. Big I told me she did a lot of hugging of her heart. She said making that craft made her miss me more.
Everyone always talks about how "exciting" the first day of school is, but I am here to tell you that it is a lot harder than anyone ever tells you it’s going to be. It is a cutting of the cord that you just can’t even fathom until it happens. No matter how you might have longed for a moment or two to yourself, nothing prepares you for the emptiness you feel when they are suddenly not there for all those hours, when your "job" has suddenly been given to someone else for part of the day.
It is so emotional that it becomes physical. It hurts like hell.
Big I doesn’t go back to school until Tuesday next week. I am hoping that when she goes to the library, art class, music class and gym, she starts to see school in a more positive light. I am hoping that she makes some great friends; and that her teacher will show her some of the love that I do at home. I am hoping, above all else, that this cut cord heals for both of us in a timely matter.
Making Peace with Nunchaku
I am not a fan of nunchaku. I bought a wooden pair last year and I keep them by my bedside. Not because I know how to use them properly and could do any damage, more because I figure if someone breaks in my house, I can at least throw them at the attacker and have a chance of knocking them out. My nunchaku are heavy, and when used in proper nunchaku fashion, they hurt. O.k. I guess that wouldn’t really be proper nunchaku fashion/technique if they hurt while using them, but you get the idea.
Nunchaku is a weapon for men. Guys just like these contraptions. Girls. . . (at least the ones I know), not so much. After my test for 3rd kyu, nunchaku will become my life. The test for 2nd kyu has two weapons kata’s: a bo kata that is complicated, and a nunchaku kata that just plain scares me. Without foam nunchaku to practice with at home, I realize that it’s only a matter of time before I’ve got some serious bruising (and a possible knock-out).
In the advanced class tonight, it was just me and a 3rd kyu. She is young. I think she’s maybe 10, and she is a joy to watch. She takes her karate very seriously and you just know that she’s practicing at home and living and breathing her kata’s. Because she needs the nunchaku kata for her test in two weeks, we practiced the kata several times. I found a nice thick foam nunchaku and my instructor and the 3rd kyu picked up the bruise-inducing kind.
Before we started the kata, my instructor demonstrated proper swinging techniques. Who knew that the faster you go with the nunchaku, the less you beat the living daylights out of yourself? Certainly not me. He also revealed a trick of the trade: moving the hips along with the nunchaku. If you just stand there and swing them, they’re going to hit you and even when they’re foam, the hit they deliver is an unpleasant reminder that, "Hey, idiot, you’re not doing this right."
The nunchaku kata itself is confusing. I don’t see the pattern in it yet and until you do, it makes going through the motions that much harder. The beginning was surprisingly lacking the back pounding hits I’m used to delivering to myself. But once you start kneeling and swinging and changing things up, I was sending my hair whipping through the air and just hoping I could keep up. I’m not worried about the test for 3rd kyu, but what comes after is going to be brutal.
Brutal is also how bedtime went tonight with Big I. Tomorrow she starts Kindergarten. For a bedtime story she asked me to read the book, "When I was a baby." This book is one that comes blank. You put in a picture on the last page of your baby and the picture shows through to all the other pages. The book starts out by telling about your baby’s birth, then the firsts, then the favorites, etc. I felt like I was choking the entire time I read the story. Big I sort of giggled at me. It was a very appropriate book for Kindergarten Eve as we’ve been calling it all day, but appropriate doesn’t make it any easier.
Tonight we plugged in Big I’s new Cinderella alarm clock, and kissed her goodnight. Tomorrow is going to be exciting, but brutal on the emotions. It’s the equivalent of mental nunchaku for me. I have a feeling that dropping her off at school is going to feel a lot like a big old slap on the back from my wooden friends. Say a little prayer that I can hold it together until she’s out of sight. I’m going to need all the help I can get.
Rockstar Elimination: Week 9
Lukas got to perform tonight with Supernova. I like him a whole lot better when he has sunglasses on. Then I don’t have to watch those freaky eyes of his. Have you noticed that when Lukas sings, the girls in the audience sort of laugh? When Toby sings, they don’t laugh. They turn on their best bedroom eyes and roll with the music. Lukas is never going to be that hot rock star that drives the girls crazy. Not. Gonna. Happen. I really can’t stand him. When they said his name tonight as the contestant who gets to sing with Supernova, I may have gagged a bit. And seriously Lukas, keep that tongue parked in the garage. Gross.
The encore returned this week and Toby got it. I told you he’s back. He’s baaaccckkk. I really think he’s going to be the guy. I called it the first time I saw the show, and I’m calling it again. Toby is going to win. He worked the audience and involves the audience, never loses his vocals when he’s entertaining, and he’s got the ladies drooling. Unlike the other guys he doesn’t look like he’s going to pop a blood vessel. He’s relaxed and just naturally good. The only thing bugging me is the obvious make-up lessons he’s been taking from Lukas. You don’t need the eyeliner Toby. You really don’t.
All the rockers were in the bottom three at some point during the night and Magni was the only one still sitting. I’m telling you, his sense of humor paid off. That, and his "I Alone" performance was very good.
Ryan landed himself in the bottom three and performed a song by "The Who" and became a little trite with his jungle gym climbing antics. It wasn’t smooth when he climbed onto the speakers; it just looked stupid. He seemed sloppy tonight, and I’m thinking that "Teenage Wasteland" should have more appropriately been called "Ryan Wasted" because he certainly seemed like he was.
Storm performed "Helter Skelter" and seemed truly happy for the opportunity to finally perform a song of her own choosing, a song that she could really rock. I wasn’t a big fan of the performance but she did better than Ryan. What’s up with all the contestants leaping into the audience and carving a path through them all the time? Stay on the stage; real rockstars don’t walk through the crowds.
Dilana sang "Psycho Killer" and dedicated it to herself. Did you see the devil horns she wore tonight before her performance? Yep, see. . . I was right about Toby coming back and kicking butt, and I was right about Satan’s spawn. I thought Dilana was pretty boring. All three of them were pretty darn pathetic if you ask me. Uninspiring, dull, yawn. . .
And then a total shocker: Ryan goes home. WHAT? I really did not expect that at all. It certainly keeps things interesting: three guys, two gals. . . the last two weeks will certainly keep you guessing.
My guess? Toby is a lock. . .
which means you can probably count on him having a plane ticket home next week.
Rockstar Recap: Week 9
This week the contestants performed songs that the fans chose. The performances were overwhelmingly good tonight. Before the performances kicked off we saw Dilana behaving like a typical rockstar, what with the throwing of a glass bottle and everything. A piece nicked Magni in the head and drama ensued. Magni was fine, but Dilana bawled her eyes out and went to a deep dark place. Her crying sounded a lot like her singing if I’m being honest. It was pretty disturbing.
Onto the performances:
Lukas started off the night with "Lithium". I just can’t stand him. Dilana’s performance of "Lithium" weeks ago far surpassed this performance. He also altered the song’s lyrics and added a few too many "yeah’s" for my taste. I’m convinced that if you take off all that make-up and cut his hair and remove the goop. . . you’d have a 12-year old wanna-be. I’m not impressed and am HOPING Lukas will be in the bottom three and go home already.
Magni performed "I Alone" and it was awesome. Even without the performance, I hope that people go and vote for him. His sense of humor alone deserves it. He stated that he’s "better looking than Toby," "Lukas, COME ON!" and that "just because Ryan is American doesn’t mean he has to get all the US votes". He did after all, "learn to speak English" and quite well. He left the hat and the nose-butting at home and I was impressed. I fear that if he’s in the bottom three, he’ll go home due to the sheer number of times he’s been there. I’m hoping I’m wrong.
Ryan entertained with "Clocks". He started by playing the piano, then jumped on top of the piano, then jumped off the piano with a wired microphone that had me a little worried, and finally slid back across the piano to finish playing the song. He was exciting to watch and took the whole singing on a piano thing to a completely new level. I think his performance was the best.
Storm reluctantly sang "Bring me to Life" by Evanescence and she did a nice job with it. Her mistake was asking Toby to back her up. He stole some of her fire. That could be because I for one, much prefer watching him perform over her. Sometimes her facial expressions give you the impression that she just smelled something really off. After her performance, Gilby made some comment about how Jill’s performance of that song was memorable and I was like, "Huh, who’s Jill? Oh YEAH, the be-bopping blonde girl. . ." Yeah, I don’t agree with Gilby at all, and I’m back to the whole "Storm’s party style doesn’t mesh with Supernova’s" and because of that she will not win.
Toby channels Billy Idol really well. He sang "Rebel Yell" and made me a believer once again. He faded a bit in weeks past, but he’s coming back. I am really thinking it’s going to be down to Ryan and Toby. The most disturbing part of his performance was Lukas’s tongue. They showed the other contestants during Toby’s performance, and Lukas was apparently having a tongue seizure or something. It wasn’t pretty. Towards the end of the performance, Toby pulled a bunch of girls up on stage with him which had to give the aging Supernova guys some ideas. Toby may be their only hope for getting girls to their shows who are under the age of 50. He’s a front runner for sure.
Dilana got out her frustrations with "Mother, Mother". I really hope she got it out of her system. She’s not pleasant to watch when she’s "troubled." Her hair made me think that she probably hasn’t bathed in a while; and I was half expecting a bird to fly out with all that hair whipping she was doing. I think she lost a lot of credibility with all the drama from the past week or two and I think her star is starting to fade.
Bottom three: Lukas, Storm, and Dilana
Encore (if they have one): Ryan, yet again.
Until tomorrow. . .
My latest post is up at Save the Soldiers. It’s all about how the Fantasy Football draft went on Saturday. If you know anything about football, go and check out my picks and see what you think.
If you haven’t already checked out the Carnival of Family Life, please do so. There are some great posts there (including mine. . . but you probably already read it right?).
And if you’re up for it and haven’t already signed up, take the Black Belt Mama Challenge. Participants receive a coupon code for Everything Fitness and get to sign on for a support group of other bloggers looking to improve their physical fitness.
There’s also a new birth story up. Two to be exact so check them out.
And now I’m done. . . the countdown to Kindergarten continues and I very well may be sobbing for the foreseeable future.
Kindergarten Meltdown Countdown
Filed under: Mental Strain for Mama
For the past few days, I have been reduced to tears at the most ridiculous of things. I was watching Big I play with Lil C yesterday and just started crying. "What’s wrong Mommy?" Big I asked me. I was a blubbering fool, and it took me several minutes to even get out the words, "You’re just growing up and getting so big. That’s all." She just sort of chuckled at me. Somehow I’m thinking the first day of Kindergarten is going to be no laughing matter for me.
For the past few days, I’ve been feeling like one feels in the days leading up to something unpleasant, like a surgical procedure or something. The dread is thick and has been weighing heavily on me. I remember when Big I was born, thinking that now it was going to get tough. While pregnant with her, all her needs were taken care of as long as I ate smart and stayed healthy. On the outside, all bets were off. It was up to me to protect her and provide for her. Now, it’s going one step further. While many leave their children at day care or preschool long before it’s time for Kindergarten, I was not one of those Mom’s. Big I and I have been at home together all the time. This is going to be a big adjustment for all of us.
This week, an envelope came from Big I’s school. We finally found out who her teacher will be. There was a letter telling about all the basics of Kindergarten: what she needs, when she needs to be there (entirely too early in my opinion), when she needs to be picked up (not early enough if you ask me). There was also a name tag for Big I. Just looking at it got me all teary. But the first thing I pulled out of the envelope while still en route back to my front door was an envelope containing a tissue, a cotton ball, and a tea bag. It was addressed "Dear Parent" and this is what had me sobbing. It says:
"Thank you for entrusting your child to me. I promise to do my best everyday to be your child’s companion in learning. After, you have wiped your tears, make yourself a nice warm cup of tea. Put your feet up and relax. Then hold the cotton ball in your hand. The softness will help you to recall the gentle spirit of your child. I will work alongside you this year to help your child grow. Sincerely, Mrs. M"
With Lil C in one arm and Big I walking beside me, I was a certifiable blubbering mess. Complete with the hiccups that hard crying gives you, I struggled to hold it together enough to see my way into the house and straight to the tissue box. I’m getting the feeling that this week is going to be really hard.
I’m also thinking that Mrs. M should have sent home some tranquilizers and a box of tissues.
Despite my uncontrollable tears the past few days (mostly in private), Big I has been filled with excitement for the past few days. I never knew which teacher she really preferred, but when I told her she got Mrs. M, she was elated.
That was until today. I greeted Big I this morning by saying, "THREE MORE DAYS!" and there were instant tears. "NO!" she yelled. "I need more days than that. I need 17 or 50 days," she said. I hugged her and embarked on my usual happy tirade about how great Kindergarten is and how much she’s going to love going each day.
"What if I get hurt? I’ll be all alone," she said. I assured her that the school nurse would take care of her until I got there.
"But you’re going to LEAVE me there and go home without me." I assured her that we only live about five minutes from the school and that I could be there in a flash. I considered letting her know that it’s a distinct possibility that I’ll be camped out in the car outside the school for the entire time she’s inside.
"What if I get in trouble?" she cried. And then I laughed. "You’re not going to get in trouble. Do you know how many times Mommy was in trouble in all of the years I was in school?" I asked her. "How many?" she said. I held up a big goose egg. "None, zero, zilch," I said.
After some big hugs and stories of my own first day of Kindergarten, Big I calmed down. I decided that we should go out and get the last minute things Big I needed for school. What gal doesn’t love to go shopping? Our shopping excursion worked its magic, and Big I was feeling better about school again tonight at bedtime.
I’m just wondering how I’m going to be able to leave my child in the care of someone else for an entire morning. I am thankful that my husband will be accompanying me on Big I’s first day because I have a feeling it’s going to be a little rough for me to see the road on the way home. If he wasn’t going along, I have a feeling I’d probably sit there in my car and just sob for a while. It’s going to be a rough day for me. I hope that it’s nothing short of fabulous for Big I.
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