July 1, 2006

The post that will make my Mom strongly recommend that I delete my blog

I am understandably in a little bit of a funk here. My sister-in-law told me that there are five stages of grieving: DABDA. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and finally Acceptance. I’m stuck in Denial and Anger. I’m becoming more angry about my friend’s death every minute. I just don’t understand why . . .

So, in an attempt to break out of this funk and try to let all my loyal readers (all seven of you) have a chuckle or two, I present to you the post that I’ve been saving for such an occasion: THE SEARCHES THAT HAVE LANDED ON THIS SITE, courtesy of technorati, Google, yahoo, etc. For those of you non-bloggers who read here, there are site meters that show you which sites bring readers to your web page and what they typed into the search engine in order to land on your site. Below are some of the best ones that I’ve been accumulating for months now, along with a little message to those who have landed here and continue to under these criteria. Enjoy; I know I have.

go-cart clothes for boys that are black– O.k. are we looking for black go-kart clothing and if so what the heck is that because there is certainly none of that here. Sorry to disappoint.
how do i know when my boyfriend will propose to me-If this is my sister who landed here on this search. . . knowing your boyfriend, who the hell knows? Certainly not me. If this is anyone else, I would strongly advise asking your boyfriend what his plans are for your future, because you most certainly aren’t going to find clues to that on the Internet, unless of course your boyfriend has a blog. That, however, is doubtful.
food poisoning blog vomit OR toilet OR explosion OR diarrhea OR puke OR barf– All I can say is that someone happened to find my site on the day of the food poisoning post and just HAD. TO. FIND. THAT. ENTRY. AGAIN. AND. NOW. I seriously doubt there is another search that so eloquently sums up my experience with that very badly behaved scallop. Glad you found what you were looking for.
Phone Sex Karate– I don’t know what this could possibly be; but I most certainly do not participate in any such activity, nor will you find any discussion of that here. Please try different search criteria. Frankly, this one just freaks me out.
Muscular rude gym girls– Hmmm, where to begin on this one. Muscular? Not so much. Rude? To rude people? Certainly. Gym? Not likely from this gal. Hope you found what you were looking for, but once again, probably not here.
Strippers ass shaking– Yeah, not here.
Women with junk in the trunk– I have never been accused of having junk in my trunk. Actually that’s not true. In my trunk you may find: a stroller, tennis racket, tennis balls, karate weapons, diaper bag, baby wrap, backpack carrier, grocery bags. . . I could go on, but you get the idea. Once again, probably not what you had in mind.
Black Mama sex (or Fat Black Mama Sex)-This search lands someone on my site at least six times a day. No, seriously. AT LEAST six times a day. I’m thinking this is what happened: some dude out there decided that he was looking for some of that. My site popped up because "Black" and "Mama" appear in my name. "Sex" appears only when I speak about sex offenders. So, this person searching for "black mama sex" shows up on my site and is HIGHLY disappointed to find that the "Black Belt Mama" is indeed white, and she most certainly is not talking about or doing anything even slightly sexy. Still, the site is compelling enough to spend some time on, but not exciting enough for this guy to write down or bookmark the site. So, everyday, when he wants to take a break from online pornography and cash in on some "Black Belt Mama" reading, he types in the search criteria above and knows he will find this site. It’s really the only logical thing, right?
Mature women squatting-I’m not touching this one with a 10-foot pole. I will say, however, that I am extremely disgruntled that the word "mature" brought up my site.
Making mama fit: the ultimate game plan- Are you hoping to get your post-partum wife into shape? Or are you concerned about your mama’s physical fitness? Either way, no info for you here. Oh, but if you find the "Ultimate Game Plan" please let me know what it is, especially if it doesn’t involve much work.
Female black belt pole dancer– Is there such a thing? Somehow I find it hard to believe that a black belt female would want to pole dance. You know, that whole respect for yourself thing. Then again, I guess she wouldn’t really need bouncers. . . who knows? None here. Trust me.
Extremely sore belly button-Please see your doctor. I’m no expert, but it’s probably a fungus. How the hell did this search land on my site? (Scratching head. . . or belly button.)
How to make a flip flop cake-I can tell you how to avoid doing a flip flop chain letter. It’s simple. Don’t mail out the letter. Just say no. I also have advice on saying no to home parties. I have no advice for you on the cake though, other than: consult a professional.
what to do if tick head is still in-There was great debate about this in my comments section on my bug post. I will tell you what the doctors told me. Vaseline, matches, nail polish on the tick? They can all make the tick regurgitate back into your body, thus increasing the chances that you will get sick. Use a tweezers and gently pull. Even though we didn’t have the best results with this, I’ll take that over tick puke any day.

Well, my visitor stats should soar through the roof now. I’m going to sit back and watch the fireworks, literally. Have a Happy 4th of July weekend everyone. Thank you to all who commented and emailed to send me condolences and positive thoughts regarding the loss of my friend. I truly appreciate your friendship.