February 1, 2007

Don’t Go It Alone at the Mall

The girls and I have been settled into this boring routine since Christmas. The money’s all been spent and as the credit card bills roll in, there’s not much to do other than hang out at home. I decided that we needed to get out of the house for a bit so we attempted to go shopping, the three of us. Since I don’t have any local shopping friends and my relatives all have day jobs, I had to go it alone. Can you say "nightmare"?

Here are the reasons why, if you have a 5-year old and a 1-year old, you should NEVER, under any circumstances, go to the mall alone:

1. With no one to supervise the stroller as you’re unstrapping your 1-year old from the car (and since Mr. BBM recently pumped up the stroller’s tires), the stroller will decide that now is the perfect get-away attempt time. You will end up chasing the stroller across four parking spaces and into moving traffic with your 1-year old in your arm and your 5-year old screaming and crying from the car because she thinks you’ve left her there for all eternity.

2. Once snug in the largest dressing room known to man, your 1-year old will inevitably attempt an under the door escape, but she’ll most definitely wait until your pants are around your ankles.

3. Attempting to browse the 70% off sale racks is futile as your children will decide it’s a perfect time to chase each other around the racks, giving you an anxiety attack every seven seconds as you lose site of them and then reestablish contact.

4. Your 1-year old will decide that in order to get away from her sister, crawling around and under the racks is a fabulous idea.

5. In fact, laying face down on the floor in the department store, right next to the 20 year old gum stain, is a PERFECT place to rest a little 1-year old head when the chasing game gets to be too much.

6. Without an additional person to supervise while you divide up soft pretzels and drinks, your 1-year old will decide to take a fateful sip from your diet coke and send diet coke flying all over the bench, the pretzels and herself. This, in turn, will make your 5-year old lose part of her slushie through her nose.

7. At some point, your 5-year old will step in the elevator and your 1-year old will decide this is the PERFECT time to run back towards the clothes racks away from the elevator. Everyone around will think you’re insane as you charge towards the 1-year old and SCREAM for the 5-year old to "GET OUT OF THE ELEVATOR" Jack Bauer style.

8. Bathroom stalls are not made to accomodate a stroller, a Mommy, a 5-year old and a curious 1-year old.

9. Because there’s no way in HELL, your 1-year old will tolerate sitting in a stroller. PSHAW, yeah right Mama! Instead she will run at full speed towards store-front glass windows, make mad dashes towards the Disney Store and their stuffed animal rotunda whenever she sees a chance, and decide that the mulch surrounding the wishing fountain isn’t such tough terrain if one truly wants to take a little swim.

10. Your Christmas gift certificate will end up getting spent on pretzels, slushies and other miscellaneous crap for your kids. The entire afternoon will be such a nightmare that you swear off shopping with the children forever (won’t Mr. BBM be happy?).

Anyone want to be my shopping buddy?

With training like this. . . karate class will be a piece of cake.