March 16, 2009

Why a Kid Needs to Learn to Fail Successfully

By: Ann-Marie K. Heilman, Kyoshi
Okinawa Kenpo Karate Kobudo
Heilman Karate Academy, Inc.

In talking to a parent recently about his daughter’s review for belt ranking, I was surprised that he accepted my explanation that she could not test because she did not have all the material necessary to do so. Why was I surprised? Because no matter how many times I say “review," an adult will argue that a child’s “self esteem” will be diminished if they don’t succeed at every task placed in front of them including minor ones.

In the ensuing conversation we both agreed that she had heard me say that it was only a review to check her progress. Being a coach himself, he understood the importance of high standards. However, we both agreed that somewhere things had gone wrong in coaching and that everyone was expected to “play." Not only that, but everyone was expected to “win."

I am looking at a far greater picture here and it involves both my profession as a Board Certified Behavior Analyst (you know, behavior charts, stickers for good behavior, blah, blah, blah), and my belief that a dojo cannot award mediocrity because your life may depend on what I teach you.

I am in favor of positive reinforcement. I am also in favor of failure. Why? Because I don’t think people know how to fail correctly. Failure used to mean that you worked harder to succeed at the task so that you never had that feeling again. Parents supported you through the failure and coached you to “try again” and again and again until you either succeeded or switched gears and did something else. Once again, you accepted “failure” (maybe you switched from basketball to baseball) and moved on but no one worried that your “self esteem” was damaged forever. I won’t get into that “self esteem” stuff right now. I just want to point out that I see a dangerous road here and many dojo owners are following that road without questioning why they are doing it.

For years we have been positively reinforcing good behavior, good deeds, good something and somehow, some way, we have bought into the “lets reward them for breathing because, if we don’t, their 'self esteem' will be fractured and their lives will come crashing down around them and all is lost" (and it’s the teacher’s or the parent’s fault because they didn’t teach well enough). Let me say that I don’t buy into this baloney although I once did. I have experienced enough of life to now say unequivocally that it isn’t success from which I have learned the most – it was failing and sometimes miserable (the misery was all mine until I fixed “it”, whatever needed to be redone or relearned).

What does this have to do with a dojo? As I stated, your life may, literally, depend on what I teach you. And a child who may have to resist a possible abductor may need every GOOD technique taught them, not a sticker for “trying hard."

I am deeply concerned about “our” kids today. Where are the high standards of yore when you worked and worked at a goal until you succeeded? Parents encouraged you but did not fight with the teacher (or sensei) that “but my child tried so hard!” Again, I repeat myself, what is wrong with working towards a goal until you actually succeed?

I am now seeing young adults who are literally crushed by defeat. They can’t get off their duffs and start looking for work after losing a job because they have never experienced “losing.” They don’t know how to pick themselves up, go to Plan B, or C, and go forward because all their lives they have been allowed to NOT fail; someone has pleaded their case and argued that their “self esteem” will be diminished and their lives on hold until they succeed at the task (usually instant promotion or instant “A” as in grading a paper).

Again, what has this to do with a dojo? Because the father I was speaking to regarding his daughter’s review knew that she wasn’t going to get her belt that day – there were some things that she needed to work on – and despite her complaints that she “did the best she could,” it was still not good enough. And that is why I like to call such activities “reviews.” Even the word “test” seems to have lost its meaning. Every time you are put “to the test,” are you really expecting to pass? Only if you have done the work that qualifies you to pass, I hope. You won’t get a “sticker” if your self-defense works for you on the street. You get to keep your life. If I have allowed you or your child to get belt after belt because you showed up for class and paid your dues and not because you learned the material and excelled at it, then shame on me. And if you failed a test, did you find out what you did wrong and pass with flying colors the next time you tested? Or did you quit saying the test, or the teacher/sensei was “unfair? Life is unfair. We need to teach how to go past failure and succeed.

And there ends my rant for today after opening the can of worms known as positive reinforcement for breathing or “how do I keep them in the dojo so that I can pay my bills?" If I have to keep a kid’s (or adult’s) self-esteem at a high level and not allow them to fail and promote them at every turn for techniques that are sloppy, inadequate, and downright poor – then the doors to the dojo will have to close.

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